Is this unfair of me?

[rhondajean]

I told dd1 she could arrange to have a friend over or do something this afternoon(shes 12) but when she phoned yesterday everyone was busy.

W need food shopping today. DH is working and she helps me pack/load/unload the car when he is. As she wasn't busy, I've had a slow start to the day and am about to get lunch then get ready to go out for it with her and dd2 who was 8 last week.

Her friends just called on her way home and wants her to go out in half an hour. I said no, sorry, unfortunately what we have now arranged to do doesn't fit in with her friends changed plans.

She is furious. I've had the whole lot - she is caged in and never has anything to do, etc, etc, dd2 can help carry the shopping (she does but she's 8!) blah blah blah.

I'm wondering if I'm wrong saying she can't go - she knew we had to go shopping and wasn't in a rush until the phone call. I pointed out to her she eats more than as much as the rest of us so it's not unfair to ask her to help get the food. She's said she just won't eat this week then! Am tempted to take her up - think of the saving

I would have gone this morning if she had told me she had plans...am I now being unfair?

[Tabliope]

I think Melindaaa knocked it on the head saying if you think this is reasonable you've got a few awful teenage years ahead. If she's a teenager she needs a bit of autonomy. It just doesn't even stack up that she can't go as you need her for the shopping! You dig your heels in about stuff like this you will not be listened to on the serious stuff. You can't control kids over stuff like this - they know when stuff is fair and when it's not and that's why she's kicked back. I'd apologise say I'd got it wrong and let her go and save it for the battles that need fighting.

[rhondajean]

I asked if I was being unreasonable not letting her go - not about her helpi g with shopping.

I am not a mummy martyr and the cupboards do not magically replenish themselves. It's a team effort here.

[Nanny0gg]

You either pay her after she does the required task or you don't pay her at all. And personally I always preferred shopping on my own.

And it was your suggestion that she see a friend...

[StuntGirl]

Your 12 year old stayed in her pjs on a bank holiday weekend and now wants to go out with her friends? You're quite right to clamp down on this unnacceptable behaviour OP [eye roll]

[Tuttutitlookslikerain]

Rhonda, teenagers are the easiest people in the world to live with. You are setting your self up for 5 years of hell if you don't pick your battles. IMHO this is not a battle that you needed to have.

And maybe if you don't like other people's opinions, don't ask for them in the first place!

[RubyFakeNails]

I think YABU to not let her go.

If you had never suggested her seeing friends today, I would just think you were being a misery, but considering it was said she could see friends originally I think YABU.

However there are probably only 3 reasons I wouldn't let my DCs go out or see friends, all of which are extreme or emergency situations, so we obviously have different attitudes.

[Numberlock]

Yes you are being unreasonable to not let her go.

And to think that shopping needs 3 people.

The daughter sounds like the more mature of the two of you.

[rhondajean]

I'm listening tut ....

[BitOutOfPractice]

She wouldn't have shouted at you if you had let her go

Sorry I think YABVU and rather mean.

And you still haven't explained why it's a "two person job" to do a week's shopping. I'm struggling to think of a reason apart from you being determined to get your own way and act just as badly as her

You created the stand off - now you sort it. She 12. You're supposed to be an adult

[halcyondays]

Whatever are you buying that you need help with? unless you have a disability or some other medial issue, I don't understand why you need her to help you load things into the car. It's useful to have someone to help, but hardly essential. Unless there really is a reason why you physically cannot do it without help, then you are being mean to stop her seeing her friend. Seeing friends is very important when you're twelve. We would never expect our dds to miss out out on something like that because we needed to do shopping, we fit our shopping in around their activities.

[ilovesooty]

You told her she could go out and then withdrew that. I think I'd be upset if I were her.

[rhondajean]

Sorry but I really don't think she wouldn't have shouted at you if you let her do as you want is an acceptable reason for anything.

We have no stand off - she had a shout, she got told it wasn't an acceptable way to speak to me, we are fine.

Can I ask how the rest of you DO teach your teenagers about responsibility and that at times you have do the thing you agreed to do/ that needs done before the thing you want to do?

[StuntGirl]

For one responsibility is not paid for. If pulling her weight/helping the family is the point then don't pay her for it. That turns it into a service to be bartered and negotiated.

[halcyondays]

If you can't have fun with your friends as a teenager, then when can you? You still haven't explained why you need her to help.

[BitOutOfPractice]

I'm saying that I think she had a bloody good reason to be miffed. Caused by you. Not excusing her shouting. But saying that you started this fight by moving the goal posts.

[BitOutOfPractice]

And I am laughing at you saying we should teach our kids that they have to do what they agreed when you were the one that changed the agreement!!

You should have said "Look, you can go but please will you help me with the shopping for this mysterious reason that I'm not prepared to divulge and I'll drop you off later." Everyone's a winner

[rhondajean]

My responsibility at work is certainly paid for. I appreciate what she does and I think it's fair tht she gets cash for it. She is too young to have another way of earning money.

Why she has to help with the shopping isn't really the point. That's the agreement in our house.

I'll certainly think about it a bit more but she's happy to go round to her friends later (and has just informed me the whole gang are heading into town for the day tomorrow, which is fine although bet you she asks for tht tenner...)

[StuntGirl]

Also Rhonda you weren't asking her to see her friends after shopping. You were ordering her to do shopping instead of seeing her friends. It's not her fault you "had a slow start to the day" before going shopping, if you'd gone shopping when originally planned you could have done both.

[chocoluvva]

Stick to your guns girl!
No pain no gain in my experience. I wish I'd been firmer over certain things with my 13 and 15YO.
However, last year DD was supposed to do 2hrs of X if she wanted to go to a sleepover. She did some but not 2 hours so I let her go for the evening but not to sleepover.
She was awful - I suspect she spoilt the party for the birthday girl - they were both crying apparently, and she phoned half way through the evening to ask for a lift home there and then, as it was all "ruined" now and friend Y no longer wanted to spend the night as my DD was the only person apart from the birthday girl that she knew blah blah.
BUT she has learnt that I will carry out a sanction if I say so and that she has to properly meet her end of the bargain. Only yesterday she asked, "So, to clarify, if I do X you'll run me to Y and I can......
Good luck with the shopping - buy some goodies for yourself :)

[Numberlock]

You could have done the shop in the time you've wasted on here.

[halcyondays]

Aren't they at school tomorrow?

[rhondajean]

I've been making and eating lunch while posting - for all of us. It's bank holiday weekend here, a week early

[chocoluvva]

It's a local holiday tomorrow and Numberlock - that's not helpful.

[DreamsTurnToGoldDust]

I could cry when DD wants to come shopping with me, my bill rockets, I cant concentrate as shes biting my ear off wanting to chitty chat. Shes great at putting away tho tbf.