SIL - 30th birthday issues

[shinyblackgrape]

SIL will be 30 later this year. She had planned to go to Las Vegas with a group of friends for her actual birthday so DH and I took her away for 4 days in July as her birthday present - which was what she wanted

I'm currently 31 weeks pregnant with our first DC. I've booked for DH and I to go to an NCT class at the end if October for two days. I knowvthatbpeoole have different views of the NCT but it's important to me that we go. The class is on SIL's birthday weekend but that was fine as she was going to Las Vegas and we had already taken her away for 4 days.

Labout a week ago, DH started telling me a tragic story about SIL being terribly let down by her friends as surprise surprise once it actually came to stumping up the £1,500 for the holiday and taking a week of leave, people are now deciding they don't want to go. The trip isn't cancelled though - SIL is still going with her boyfriend and another couple. However, the date has been moved and SIL will also be having a party on the day of her birthday to make up for the disappointment. Party is about two hours drive away. DH said he would have to go as SIL had been so terribly let down by her friends and was devastated. I did bite my tongue as I do feel that SIL has quite naive to expect people to spend this amount of money/make that commitment of annual leave in the first place.

I pointed out to DH that the course was that weekend, that we had agreed we woukd go, that it was important that we went (it is to me even though I know that people have mixed views re nct) and that I was very sorry for SIL but she was still having a lovely trip to Las Vegas with her boyfriend FFS which was quite a lot more than lots of people do for their 30th birthdays. As a compromise, I gave various dates that SIL could come and visit us for another birthday treat. These dates are up to two weeks before I give birth. Fairly or unfairly, I'd rather be relaxing and not having people to stay then but I was trying to compromise.

Last night, DH told me that SIL is devastated that he won't be coming to the party. None of the dates I have given suit as SIL has various parties she wants to go to but she can come the week before the baby is due as SIL doesn't want to miss any parties etc. As SIL was so disappointed, DH has promised her he will finish the course at 5, drive to this fucking party for 2 hours, go for a bit and then drive home (no drinking). We'll then go it the second day of the course when DH will be exhausted

Rightly or wrongly, I've told DH that SIL and her boyfriend are not coming to stay a week before the baby is born. I'm thoroughly pissed off that DH is going to this party and I've made that clear to him. However, I think I'm angriest with SIL who knows the situation but is still guilt tripping DH in to doing this when I feel (given what we've already done for her birthday) that it would be nice if she could put DH/DC first in this situation and realise that DH has made a commitment to come to the course and actually he'll be fucking exhausted driving four hours there and back. What pisses me of more is that SIL won't change any of her commitments to going to parties etc to visit us on a date that suits us but we're expected to rearrange our lives to allow her to be the 30th birthday princess there, I've said it now!

I have spoken to DH and I realise that he is caught in the middle to a certain extent and we have reached an uneasy truce. However, I've slept on it and still woken up raging so I need to vent on here

I'm actually wondering about saying something to SIL which is very unlike me but I'm wondering about just giving her a call and being honest and saying I'm upset that DH is in this position. Don't think it will help but I'd feel better!

THANKYOU Inertia - that is exactly what I was trying to say earlier!!

You know Shiny, at your next midwife appointment your Midwife might well advise you that you are overdoing things a bit . She might well suggest that you avoid necessary travel and stress caused by visitors .

Sounds like your SIL is trying to make sure the baby doesn't divert any attention away from her. Good for you for standing up to the emotional blackmail.

have you tried pointing out to your DH, one of the woman in his life is going to be angry with him. It can be you, who he lives with and who's stress levels will directly effect his unborn child, or it can be his sister, who lives 2 hours away and he doesn't see that much.

Someone is going ot be upset over all this, he can pick. If he picks you, he then has to accept you will be in a foul mood for the rest of your pregnancy and will be telling all your family what a unsupportive cock he is.

Well FWIW I think you're right to take that particular matter into your own hands. The party I still can't understand, I admit.

BUT I don't understand your DH not telling SIL she can't come that weekend. It's hardly her fault if she hasn't been told she can't come. It's your DH's. That's where you should aim your anger!

Well - to be fair to SIL she has actual taken it in good part and is now considering the other 4 dates I sent. So hopefully we'll get one that suits everyone

It's really sad how many people think that doing the bare minimum to meet his existing commitment to his pregnant wife is sufficient.

He needn't care about her feelings or make her any kind of priority. As long as he shows his face for most of the course, he's in the clear to be sn inconsiderate twat.

And this is apparently "adult" because "adults" are people who please themselves at all times.

Pretty easy to see why divorce rates are so high if niggardly, grudging attention is all that can be expected from a man when his wife is at full term and has planned something for the two of them that she has been clear is very important to her.

How anyone can think a sister's fourth birthday celebration of the season trumps that is beyond me.

shiny - I really feel for you having to put up with such colossal twattishness from his family and such unattractive weakness in him at such an important time for you both.

It doesn't matter too much whether his family accept that you and soon your baby are his immediate family and his first priority, as long as he does.

Does he? It doesn't sound like it.

AThing you have no idea what this man is like, as a husband or as a father (soon-to-be). I cannot believe the vitriol coming from you on this thread.

So far, you have slated a man whose side you haven't even heard, you've called people morons, you've IMO anyway, slagged off "coping single mums" and for what? Because people don't agree with you?

How do you know that it is not ONLY this weekend that he's being "inconsiderate"? How do you know he's not a paragon of husbandly brilliance every other day of the year? Even OP hasn't said that he's been slacking off!

Blimey, what a storm in a teacup!

But AThing, you're missing the point. It's not about the spoilt sister's party 'trumping' NCT, as he could very easily do both. Just like people work.all day and still make plans for the evening-right? Or do I live in some parallel world where it's ok to go to pubs/clubs/parties/the theatre/ the cinema on a schoolnight?!

As for this drive leaving the OPs DH 'frazzled', I.simply don't get it. Two hours each way is not very far. It's not rush hour. Unless he's got health issues we don't know about, or is in his eighties, he will be perfectly capable of driving to a party two hours away and still going to an antenatal class the following day.

If he was going to be running a marathon at 7am in the morning, then the OP may have a point. But he's hardly going to be too tired to sit through a NCT session at what, 9am ish? It doesn't make sense to me.
And, as I said before, I'm currently 35 weeks pg and i'd not only be telling my DH to go to his bloody entitled sister's party, but going along myself.
It'd certainly save me the hassle of putting her up a week before the due date and, hey, could even be fun..... But then the concept of having fun seems to have been lost somewhere along the way here. Surely a NCT course doesn't need an entire weekend to be solely devoted to it.

Agree with WalterMitty, surprised at the level of comments on this. I respect my husband and together we balance our needs, work needs, children and families needs. We don't manage it all the time and at times it is a bit stressed but we talk it through and behave like adults. I haven't always agreed with his decision or he with mine but we are still together.

We don't know DH side of the story and we don't know the background that the OP has with her ILs, it may be more of the same, if so she needs to work it out with her husband and then they need to present a joint front. Good luck for the birth and pick your battles.

Some people can't cope with much if they think the definition of exhausting is the husband driving for two hours, then having food and refreshments, then driving home....

Hurray for ElisaDay the voice of reason.

number - I think that's pretty rude. I'm a lawyer and I'm still working 12 hour days (plus commute) and DH is a dentist who does a lot of late nights to do his private work. I'm not sleeping well - around 4hoyrs a night and its keeping DH up too. We're both knackered at the moment and I'm really not keen on him doing a 4 hour round trip after the class.

You know nothing of our personal circumstances and are not in a position to be saying what we would find exhausting or not.

But shiny it doesn't seem to be about the exhaustion as much as it is about him accommodating his family.

He can't easily do both.

He can just about do both at the expense of giving the NCT course that is very important to his wife his full attention.

He can get to the party for a few hours only by cutting his weekend with his wife in two.

She deserves to come first sometimes. And this weekend that she has lovingly planned and made clear its importance to her, when she is 37 weeks pregnant, is a time when she should.

The sister's party was arranged after the course was booked, so basic manners dictate that the prior commitment take precedence.

Proper precedence, not being relegated to obvious second place so her DH can hare off 100 miles away to yet another celebration of his sister's never-ending birthday.

If this was an unfortunate, unavoidable clash of dates I could see why he might try to do both.

But he and his wife have already taken this woman on a four day holiday to celebrate her cocking birthday, and they planned their course for when she was meant to be away.

He is bollocksing up a nice weekend his wife planned for the two of them for no good reason.

The whole thing is just bullshit. She's not turning three fucking hundred.

"Blimey, what a storm in a teacup!"

Precisely.

Imagine a grown woman making such a fuss because her married brother had plans with his pregnant wife. It's shameful.

And embarrassing that he is prepared to go along with it.

Utter sap.

Although not sappy about his small nephew's one and only birthday that his wife would like to attend, I notice.

Selective weakness. The worst kind.

Shiny I'm a lawyer too working 12 hour days if you include the commute too. I find it exhausting enough and I am not pregnant.

I don't blame you at all. She sounds like a spoiled brat. I got virtually nothing and was taken nowhere for my 16th, 18th and 21st birthdays and I just accepted it.

How many times does this birthday need to be celebrated. She's going on holiday wither boyfriend what else does she need.

Your correct - it's not materially about the exhaustion. However, I do want to address the passive aggressive comments that infer that DH and I are two delicate flowers who don't work and spend our days floppin g over bean bags exhausted.

No doubt number will be back though to advise that (s)he works a 23 hour day labouring in a field and sleeps for half an hour a night standing up.

I was a bit OMG about the weekend away, she sounds high maintenance and totally spoiled. Its my SIL's 30th next month and I might spend a little more than normal eg £30 instead of £15!

Find out if you can change the NCT course to another suitable date and if not tell her sorry you can't come you have prior commitments that can't be changed.

She is being totally U. Its only a 30th birthday FFS and you have other commitments which you wouldn't have made if you'd known about the party.

re: the staying over - your choice - but there is a chance you'll be in labour at home when she is in the house - so I would allow as long as there was contingency plan - I guess this depends on how comfortable you are with them hearing labour noises etc, and whether she could leave easily if you wanted her to.

A - thank you for vouching. My constant loo trips are adding an extra hour a day on at least too!

We don't go out midweek elisa - we're cocking working. DH gets home around 7 and I get home anytime between 8 if it's a good night and 10 if its a bad night. It's 120 miles each way. A 240 mile round trip is a long way after a long week working, minimal sleep anyway and sitting in a course all day.

But anyway, the drive is the least of it. I've set out up the thread what the real issue is - DH essentially being emotionally blackmailed by his family and the fact that he is already alluding to being late the next day and having to get away on time etc so the class is now just a big inconvenience which is NOT its purpose and was not the case for DH when it was originally booked.

That exactly is the point shiny. when you have a wife and child on the way, your sisters neverending demands should take a back seat. She has had plenty, she has a holiday with her boyfriend to look forward to, I don't get it.

I can relate as my dp's sister and family are demanding on him. They seem to make demands on him as if he doesn't have his own life and he does it. On one occasion when his sis had demanded he get to her sons birthday early to help get everything ready and blow up balloons when though she has a husband and both sets of grandparents there. I subtly asked if he had a family of his own would they still make demands on him in this way. it worries me too.

There's no doubt that your SIL is being a spoilt cow, that's for sure. For my 30th this year, I had a meal and a night out in a nearby city- there was certainly no weekend away AND a trip to Vegas, AND a birthday party.
And yep, she's being entirely unreasonable in guilt-tripping your DH into going to her party. He should be able to say no, he has plans for that weekend, without all this fucking ridiculous hassle.

BUT I think you're BU too, in being so against his going along. Now you're saying the drive 'is the least of it',but that's not what you were saying before when it was something that would leave him 'fucking exhausted' one minute and 'frazzled' the next.

There's also no need to infer- quite snottily- that those of us who go out midweek can't possibly work long hours. I work similar hours to you, in a demanding job, but still find time for the social things I want to do.
Granted, it's much harder now I'm the size of a manatee and barely sleeping due to being heavily pg... but I still can't see why it's not possible to do one thing all day long, and something else in the evening. Your DH, who is neither ancient nor pregnant, would cope.

So why not tell him to go, but make it clear that he will have to be at NCT on time the following day, with a clear head, as that was the prior arrangement and is also the priority?

Tell the SIL that as DH is going to her party, he will celebrate her 30th with her then (again) and unfortunately you won't be able to accomodate her when you're full-term pg and in no mood to be making up beds, cleaning, etc.

That way you get out of seeing her altogether, it doesn't affect your NCT class AND your DH escapes his family's wrath.

Shiny I don't think anyone has been particularly nasty to you so I don't really understand the sudden snottiness!

Can I just say, OP, in the nicest way possible, that the contents of an NCT antenatal class shouldn't be difficult for someone who has managed to qualify as a dentist to follow.

Even if he is a bit tired. They really aren't that taxing.

Really sorry if this has been suggested already but why can't DH stay the night after the party and drive home in the morning. It would be much more relaxing and less tiring for him. A two hour drive is not a problem on a Sunday morning.

I know this isn't addressing the main princess DSIL problem but it would be very easy to do.