SIL - 30th birthday issues

[shinyblackgrape]

SIL will be 30 later this year. She had planned to go to Las Vegas with a group of friends for her actual birthday so DH and I took her away for 4 days in July as her birthday present - which was what she wanted

I'm currently 31 weeks pregnant with our first DC. I've booked for DH and I to go to an NCT class at the end if October for two days. I knowvthatbpeoole have different views of the NCT but it's important to me that we go. The class is on SIL's birthday weekend but that was fine as she was going to Las Vegas and we had already taken her away for 4 days.

Labout a week ago, DH started telling me a tragic story about SIL being terribly let down by her friends as surprise surprise once it actually came to stumping up the £1,500 for the holiday and taking a week of leave, people are now deciding they don't want to go. The trip isn't cancelled though - SIL is still going with her boyfriend and another couple. However, the date has been moved and SIL will also be having a party on the day of her birthday to make up for the disappointment. Party is about two hours drive away. DH said he would have to go as SIL had been so terribly let down by her friends and was devastated. I did bite my tongue as I do feel that SIL has quite naive to expect people to spend this amount of money/make that commitment of annual leave in the first place.

I pointed out to DH that the course was that weekend, that we had agreed we woukd go, that it was important that we went (it is to me even though I know that people have mixed views re nct) and that I was very sorry for SIL but she was still having a lovely trip to Las Vegas with her boyfriend FFS which was quite a lot more than lots of people do for their 30th birthdays. As a compromise, I gave various dates that SIL could come and visit us for another birthday treat. These dates are up to two weeks before I give birth. Fairly or unfairly, I'd rather be relaxing and not having people to stay then but I was trying to compromise.

Last night, DH told me that SIL is devastated that he won't be coming to the party. None of the dates I have given suit as SIL has various parties she wants to go to but she can come the week before the baby is due as SIL doesn't want to miss any parties etc. As SIL was so disappointed, DH has promised her he will finish the course at 5, drive to this fucking party for 2 hours, go for a bit and then drive home (no drinking). We'll then go it the second day of the course when DH will be exhausted

Rightly or wrongly, I've told DH that SIL and her boyfriend are not coming to stay a week before the baby is born. I'm thoroughly pissed off that DH is going to this party and I've made that clear to him. However, I think I'm angriest with SIL who knows the situation but is still guilt tripping DH in to doing this when I feel (given what we've already done for her birthday) that it would be nice if she could put DH/DC first in this situation and realise that DH has made a commitment to come to the course and actually he'll be fucking exhausted driving four hours there and back. What pisses me of more is that SIL won't change any of her commitments to going to parties etc to visit us on a date that suits us but we're expected to rearrange our lives to allow her to be the 30th birthday princess there, I've said it now!

I have spoken to DH and I realise that he is caught in the middle to a certain extent and we have reached an uneasy truce. However, I've slept on it and still woken up raging so I need to vent on here

I'm actually wondering about saying something to SIL which is very unlike me but I'm wondering about just giving her a call and being honest and saying I'm upset that DH is in this position. Don't think it will help but I'd feel better!

Hmmm re parents and sensible. They are nice but and to be fair aren't there in all there are issues in the family that mean the they are terribly inward focused on their own family of them and DH and SIL. They don't have many friends and "family" are everything to them so I think they'll be more focused on being pleased that DH is there. FIL has form for acting like a 4 year old child which normally pisses DH off but I suspect (although I don't know) that FIL has been giving DH a big guilt trip.

The irony is that DC and I are actually DH's "family" too but I feel there's a bit of a lack of recognition of that by SIL and FIL.

DH is trying to keep everyone happy and is caught in the middle. I'm a mix if cross and upset with DH because I do wish in this instance he would just tell SIL that's it's not possible rather than half doing the course and her party. However, I don't want to cause a massive rift in the family.

Neither of you is BU, but unfortunately your DH has to decide where his priorities lie.

As for having visitors a week before you are due - crazy fool! Even if you are booked for a CS or induction you may well have gone into labour spontaneously by then.

honey - we can't change the course. I did look in to it as I was willing to do that with no fuss or bother just try and accommodate. We were really lucky to get on the course as I only booked it post the 20'week scan and everything was all booked up for a 50 mile radius. We luckily got a cancellation. I did phone the NCT class lady and she said we could cancel and hope to get a place on a course but it would be very short notice and not guaranteed so we might miss out. I really felt that was a step too far v

I think it is just up to the OP whether she has people to stay at 39 weeks pregnant, particularly if her DP is going to be at work.

She is going to be tired and tetchy and I think she is entirely within her rights to say she doesn't want people staying with them.

Fair enough kung fu but op did suggest it in the place ...

When did 30th birthdays become such a big thing that people would take a week off work and spend £15000 on a friends party? Honest question

Perhaps your DH's family should remind themselves of the vows he took?

You and your DH are not free that weekend.

It is fucking pathetic that he is giving in to tantrum throwing by someone he gas already taken away on holiday for their birthday celebration.

You are going to have a miserable life with this guy unless he learns to prioritise properly.

And when you and he have important prior plans, his sister's 4th birthday celebration of the year should get a firm "sorry, I have plans."

People who try to keep everyone happy end up shitting all overvthe people they find it easiest to let down.

Looks like that's you, shiny.

Here are my thoughts:

I think it's ridiculous that someone would expect people to come to a birthday party celebration in Las Vegas. BUT, that's not actually what the AIBU is about, so I will try not to let that colour my views on the rest of it.

Your DH wants to drive to a party 2 hours away, not drink, and then come home. I think that this is absolutely fine, if he is happy to do it I don't think it warrants this reaction: "I'm thoroughly pissed off that DH is going to this party and I've made that clear to him." I think you're being unfair on your DH with that.

Re: the dates - if she cant make the dates she suggested, because of prior commitments, she cant make them. I think you sound a bit dismissive of her party dates - she's commited to going, and she's going. I think it would be unreasonable of you to expect her to let down her friends and back out, just because that's what suits you.

If she can't come the week before your due date (and I understand why she can't) then you just say that. "sorry, no, it's not convenient". Just as she has told you that your dates arent convenient.

I don't see that there's a need to be angry or pissed off about any of it.

I never bothered with NCT courses, but if DH and I had chosen to do a weekend course to prepare for the arrival of our first, the plan would have been for the weekend, not for two individual days with both of us going our separate ways in the evening.

It would seem to me that the evening between days of the course would be part of the experience - time to go home and relax and debrief from the day.

I would also want to be free in the immediate aftermath of the course finishing in case other people on the course were heading out for coffee/drinks, being that one of the people do NCT courses is to meet other stb parents.

To have that all cocked up for an utterly pointless 4 hour drive to show face at a party that was planned after the course was booked would seriously piss me off.

If SIL wants her brother at her umpteenth celebration of her 30th, she can plan it for a weekend he doesn't have plans with his wife.

I can't even imagine how much my brother's wife would have to say to me if I tried to pull bullshit like that. My SIL is awesome :o

Hmm. I know you're pregnant and so entitled to be more upset, so on that basis YANBU. But really, I can't see that anyone is behaving particularly badly here.

Driving four hours won't make more than the tiniest bit of difference to DH's ability to get the best out of the course, honest. It may even help him as a lot of blokes get a bit freaked out and this will stop him dwelling on the details overnight .

You don't know for sure that SIL or FIL have been guilt tripping him. Maybe he just really wants to go? And this way, he can. It would be entirely different if he was planning this two weeks after the birth.

The extra birthday trips from you do sound a teeny bit excessive, but they've been at your suggestion haven't they? And it's entirely up to you when you invite them - and not rude if SIL has prior engagements, surely?

Please don't call your SIL. It sounds like she and DH have a very close relationship, and this may well translate to lots of help and love for your DC. Don't sour it over this. As someone said up thread, she just doesn't have a clue what pregnancy and kids mean right now, but she could have the makings of a wonderful auntie.

I agree with onebigwish, on its own this isn't really a big deal, its a raise your eyebrows at your DH and go, 'Here she goes again' situation. I think your SIL should be a lot more understanding about your DH driving there, he is making a big effort on her behalf, that you are about to have a child, that is a major change in your life. If she doesn't have kids she won't appreciate just how much a change, I didn't. If the dates aren't convienient for her to come over, and I wouldn't want visitors that close to my due date, suggest you meet at another time.

However, I think that this is one of a number of issues with your SIL / PIL and it becomes really annoying when 'their' family seems to override what you and your DH, and soon to be DC want or need, time and time again. I sympathise with that, I have been and still have it with my ILs. You and your DH will sort this out as it goes along, I leave my DH to do any 'tricky' bits that are probably going to cause offence as he is more diplomatic them I am, plus he is their son. We do agree on where to draw the lines though before hand where possible.

I wouldn't phone her, unless you get on really well and can have a straight discussion, which I don't think you do by the sounds of it. It will probably wind you up more. Good luck with the birth and try not to let smal gripes spoil it, it is too important for that.

On the NCT course, I enjoyed mine and met new friends all going through the same thing, we did exchange numbers on the last day but there is nothing to stop you going out with them anyway?

I agree with AThing.

Yanbu

Sil is a spoilt, whiny brat.

Dh is a sap.

YABU to be quite so annoyed at DH going as other posters have said. I could see you being annoyed if you were expected to go too or to cancel your plans. I know it probably takes the shine off your weekend of planning for your baby and it comes bang smack in the middle of some lovely family time for you,DH and your imminent DC but it is her birthday and even if he's going out of guilt it is nice that he's joining in with the spoiling of the birthday princess his sister.

YADBU to not want to host a week long visit for anybody in the last week of pregnancy. You may feel fine and not have baby until 42 weeks but you make feel fed up, desperate to see baby, cranky and very selfish and tired as lots of expectant mums do at that stage (myself included)
IME it's best to try and let these things slide because siblings and parents in law who don't think your own family unit is as important as theirs rarely change that opinion and getting stressed about it will only cause you stress and heartache.

FWIW I think your DH sounds lovely. He's doing the right thing by going to see her for a couple of hours without having badgered you into going. He's still committed to you and the classes. Also she's turning 30 so with any luck she'll grow up a bit soon

Yes, how lovely for shiny - heading out solo with a load of couples so her husband can drive for 4 hours to see his real wife sister.

It's total bullshit. He won't even be attending the party in any real sense.

This is appeasement of the spoilt at the expense of the heavily pregnant.

YAB massively U about the party. Your DH is a grown man and is entitled to decide whether he wishes to undertake to drive to the party and home again without you getting all pissy with him. And the thought of you phoning SIL about this is laughable. Can't he speak up for himself. Are you married to a man or a mouse?

As for the dates for staying with you, you offered dates, they're not suitable for SIL, she offered alternatives, they're not suitable for you, so it can't happen. What's the big deal? Any reasonable person should understand this if it's explained to them.

You clearly dislike your SIL and that's fair enough, she sounds a bit spoiled and princessy but is this all really worth raising your blood pressure over?

I don't see the problem here at all.

He is going to your course thing. He is going to her party. He's a grown man that can manage a couple of hours driving without collapsing with exhaustion (especially since your course will be several untaxing hours of sitting down)

He seems to be a nice man who wants to make both his wife and sister happy. And can do it without upsetting anyones plans. Is this really something to be complaining about?

I must admit I don't see the problem either - you both do the course, your DH goes to the party. The Sunday part of the course isn't going to be that tough is it- your DH won't be expected to do anything physical will he !!

But absolutely no to coming stay at week 39 - it's 50:50 that your baby will have arrived by then, anyway...

"Are you married to a man or a mouse?"

Mouse

A man would have told his pissy sister that he had prior plans with his pregnant wife and wasn't going to upset her.

AThing - but maybe he, shock horror, wanted to go?

You don't see the problem with driving for four hours to show your face at a party you will be at for two sober hours?!

It's fucking stupid, that's the problem.

And it totally bollockses up what should be a nice relaxing weekend for a couple about to have their first baby.

They only have about 9 of those left in the next 2 decades.

Athing I agree a mouse but probably because he too scared to tell his wife that he actually wants to go to his sisters party.

Thats for you to decide for a complete stranger? Wow, arrogant much?

Even if he did want to go, he had prior plans with his pregnant wife.

That wins.

He didn't. Course is daytime, party is night time.

So ner.