Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL - 30th birthday issues

213 replies

shinyblackgrape · 23/09/2012 07:56

SIL will be 30 later this year. She had planned to go to Las Vegas with a group of friends for her actual birthday so DH and I took her away for 4 days in July as her birthday present - which was what she wanted

I'm currently 31 weeks pregnant with our first DC. I've booked for DH and I to go to an NCT class at the end if October for two days. I knowvthatbpeoole have different views of the NCT but it's important to me that we go. The class is on SIL's birthday weekend but that was fine as she was going to Las Vegas and we had already taken her away for 4 days.

Labout a week ago, DH started telling me a tragic story about SIL being terribly let down by her friends as surprise surprise once it actually came to stumping up the £1,500 for the holiday and taking a week of leave, people are now deciding they don't want to go. The trip isn't cancelled though - SIL is still going with her boyfriend and another couple. However, the date has been moved and SIL will also be having a party on the day of her birthday to make up for the disappointment. Party is about two hours drive away. DH said he would have to go as SIL had been so terribly let down by her friends and was devastated. I did bite my tongue as I do feel that SIL has quite naive to expect people to spend this amount of money/make that commitment of annual leave in the first place.

I pointed out to DH that the course was that weekend, that we had agreed we woukd go, that it was important that we went (it is to me even though I know that people have mixed views re nct) and that I was very sorry for SIL but she was still having a lovely trip to Las Vegas with her boyfriend FFS which was quite a lot more than lots of people do for their 30th birthdays. As a compromise, I gave various dates that SIL could come and visit us for another birthday treat. These dates are up to two weeks before I give birth. Fairly or unfairly, I'd rather be relaxing and not having people to stay then but I was trying to compromise.

Last night, DH told me that SIL is devastated that he won't be coming to the party. None of the dates I have given suit as SIL has various parties she wants to go to but she can come the week before the baby is due as SIL doesn't want to miss any parties etc. As SIL was so disappointed, DH has promised her he will finish the course at 5, drive to this fucking party for 2 hours, go for a bit and then drive home (no drinking). We'll then go it the second day of the course when DH will be exhausted

Rightly or wrongly, I've told DH that SIL and her boyfriend are not coming to stay a week before the baby is born. I'm thoroughly pissed off that DH is going to this party and I've made that clear to him. However, I think I'm angriest with SIL who knows the situation but is still guilt tripping DH in to doing this when I feel (given what we've already done for her birthday) that it would be nice if she could put DH/DC first in this situation and realise that DH has made a commitment to come to the course and actually he'll be fucking exhausted driving four hours there and back. What pisses me of more is that SIL won't change any of her commitments to going to parties etc to visit us on a date that suits us but we're expected to rearrange our lives to allow her to be the 30th birthday princess there, I've said it now!

I have spoken to DH and I realise that he is caught in the middle to a certain extent and we have reached an uneasy truce. However, I've slept on it and still woken up raging so I need to vent on here

I'm actually wondering about saying something to SIL which is very unlike me but I'm wondering about just giving her a call and being honest and saying I'm upset that DH is in this position. Don't think it will help but I'd feel better!

OP posts:
JustSpiro · 23/09/2012 11:05

AThing - I don't think there's any mention of OP's DH cancelling them going out for dinner to attend this party is there (apologies if I've missed it).

As for finishing the course early - the OP said at 5pm - surely the course doesn't go on later than that Confused?

I still don't really see this issue - assuming that he is willing to back up OP over SIL not coming the week before baby is due - in him spending a couple of hours with his family on his sister's 30th birthday, when is also fulfilling his obligations to the OP by attending the course.

waltermittymissus · 23/09/2012 11:08

Well yes OP that's terribly unfair! Of course you should go to your DN's party if you wish!

hhhhhhh · 23/09/2012 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AThingInYourLife · 23/09/2012 11:23

The issue is he had plans with his wife for the weekend.

He is ditching her to do a mad dash to a party a hundred odd miles away.

The woman he loves, heavily pregnant with their first child (at full term it now appears) has spent time and money for them to spend this weekend together, enjoying the course.

That is obviously completely ruined if he's going to be clock-watching, showing up late and she's going to spend the evening between courses alone.

It's not a work training course where showing up and signing in is enough.

This is meant to be a relaxed, enjoyable, shared experience.

And he is committed to it. And it matters to his wife.

Sometimes part of being an adult is doing what you promised to do, nit what you feel like doing, not what your sister wants you to do.

His plan to go is incredibly inconsiderate of his wife's feelings.

It's only because there are so many "suck it up, how do you think single mothers cope, wives are shit and deserve no consideration, it's controlling to care about what your husband does" morons on AIBU that shiny is getting told she has to be OK with this.

MrSunshine · 23/09/2012 11:34

Wow, you must be inside his mind because you don't appear to be fully in your own anyway

Also, I haven't seen one single "coping single mother" type posts on this thread. Could you point them out?

I think someone has hit a nerve.

SpicyPear · 23/09/2012 11:34

I am the same age as your SIL and childless and it is no excuse at all to behave like this. In these circumstances I would be asking my DB not to come and encourage him to prioritise his heavily pregnant wife and birth preparations. So, IMO YANBU, your SIL is and DH should not be pandering to it.

It's unfair on you to suggest it's no problem for DH to disappear off to do this drive, his choice blah blah. It will ruin your evening and a course that is important to you. Given you are soon to birth his child, the least he can do it's commit to it properly.You have already gone out of your way to celebrate her birthday. The party itself is even a second choice fall back option for her!

BlueberryHill · 23/09/2012 11:36

Single mother moron? OOohh

lottiegarbanzo · 23/09/2012 11:38

OP you can look up stats for timing of births in relation to due date. Check for yourself but by 37 weeks you're on a a rapidly rising upward curve.

DP looked these up as he wanted to go away for a weekend when I was 34 weeks, somewhere 3.5 hours away with intermittent mobile reception. We discovered the probability of birth in that weekend was about 0.5% I think, so I agreed. A couple of weeks later I wouldn't have and he stayed as close to home as possible.

I do agree with the poster who said those last weekends together as just two people are quite precious and you don't get them back. I found we were busy getting things ready and finished. So the one weekend we kept as our last 'special' weekend together, going for walks, out for dinner and not doing jobs round the house, was important and is a lovely memory.

MrSunshine · 23/09/2012 11:39

Is anyone else feeling a bit sorry for the man who is only allowed to do what various women want him too? Either his wife or his sister...I'd be tempted to ignore the both of them and go down the pub. Although in reality I'd do exactly what the poor bugger is doing, to keep everyone (except probably himself) happy.

Inertia · 23/09/2012 11:48

Of course YANBU.

You had plans with your DH for that weekend, based on doing the NCT course and dinner plans. You've already taken your SIL away for her birthday!

I agree with those who say that SIL is acting like a spoilt princess with her petulant demands that your DH leave his heavily pregnant wife to attend her party. Your DH should be putting you and his unborn child first, especially when you are just about to give birth, because this shows up exactly how these situations are likely to pan out in the future.

Have you even considered that you'll be approaching full-term by the end of October, and could go into labour at any time? How much do you trust your husband to not have a few drinks and stay over?

Original poster
shinyblackgrape · 23/09/2012 11:48

Well we have had a further chat and DH tells me that he did originally tell SIL that he wouldn't make it but SIL was devastated and she and FIL pointed out that she had been let down very badly re Las Vegas by her friends so it was extra important that her family didn't let her down......blah blah blah.....so he said he would go in the basis I've set out.

OP posts:
myBOYSareBONKERS · 23/09/2012 11:49

Can you guarantee that he wont have a drink at the party??? If he gives into peer pressure on the phone what's it going to be like in person? I can see him not going to the second day of the course.

Inertia · 23/09/2012 11:51

TBH Mr Sunshine, if he's too stupid or irresponsible to prioritise the fact that his wife is about to give birth, wants his support on the NCT course, and wants to be sure that he's around when she goes into labour, then he's probably better off leaving his wife to make decisions :)

Lambzig · 23/09/2012 11:52

OP I think YANBU at all, he agreed to the course weekend and dinner out with you and now he is dumping dinner and poss the first hour of the course. I get that the NCT course may not be his thing (DH hated it, absolutely hated it, but he still went to every session and I have such good friends from it now who I still see every week nearly 3 years later), but he did agree to it and I think dissecting it afterwards is an important part of it (even if its just to cringe at bits).

Its just the sort of annoying thing my DH might do, and does do, to avoid confrontation.

You might just have to live with him going to the party if he is determined, but do tell him how important the course is to you and that you need him to make time and concentration for that too.

You dont say if your DH is trying to push you into the weekend before baby is due, or if you saying no is fine, but I think you should stick to not having her that weekend. Unless you are super organised, I had masses to do and wanted the house to be really clean and sorted and would have hated visitors.

Cant believe how many people think you should just suck it all up.

Inertia · 23/09/2012 11:52

So your husband has to step in when SIL's friends let her down, but it's fine for him to let down his heavily pregnant wife ?

He has some seriously mixed up priorities.

MrSunshine · 23/09/2012 11:53

You say stupid and irresponsible, I say accomodating and attentive.

It is the second thread this morning though that seems to treat a man like a dog or a toddler.

Inertia · 23/09/2012 11:53

< Puts bitchy hat on > I'm beginning to see why the SIL's friends didn't want to go ...

Inertia · 23/09/2012 11:54

Well he isn't being attentive or accommodating to his wife is he?

Lambzig · 23/09/2012 11:54

But Mr Sunshine only accommodating and attentive to his spoilt sister, not to his pregnant wife.

MrSunshine · 23/09/2012 11:55

He's going to a 2day boring as hell NCT course for his wife, thats pretty accomodating in my book.

AThingInYourLife · 23/09/2012 11:55

And this genius didn't have the brains to point out that having plans already is not letting her down?

You need to have this out with him. Ditching you to prop up his spoilt sister is only going to get less OK as your family grows.

JustSpiro · 23/09/2012 11:56

Well to be fair, your SIL being let down by her friends is hardly you or your DH's problem so they are being unreasonable to your DH to put the thumbscrews on, but if he actually wants to go and is willing to put himself out so he can do the course with you too, is it really that bad?

Has he told her the week before you give birth is not on for a visit? That would be more of a issue for me tbh.

SpicyPear · 23/09/2012 11:56

Shiny, your DH should not have to make up for the shortcomings of her friends. How selfish and nasty of them to use that to guilt trip him into going!

Inertia · 23/09/2012 11:57

Duh! There's me thinking that he is going to be a parent too.

Inertia · 23/09/2012 12:00

We're not treating him like a dog or toddler- we're treating him like a man that ought to recognise that he has a responsibility to his wife and unborn child, and that his prearranged plans are important ones.