SIL - 30th birthday issues

[shinyblackgrape]

SIL will be 30 later this year. She had planned to go to Las Vegas with a group of friends for her actual birthday so DH and I took her away for 4 days in July as her birthday present - which was what she wanted

I'm currently 31 weeks pregnant with our first DC. I've booked for DH and I to go to an NCT class at the end if October for two days. I knowvthatbpeoole have different views of the NCT but it's important to me that we go. The class is on SIL's birthday weekend but that was fine as she was going to Las Vegas and we had already taken her away for 4 days.

Labout a week ago, DH started telling me a tragic story about SIL being terribly let down by her friends as surprise surprise once it actually came to stumping up the £1,500 for the holiday and taking a week of leave, people are now deciding they don't want to go. The trip isn't cancelled though - SIL is still going with her boyfriend and another couple. However, the date has been moved and SIL will also be having a party on the day of her birthday to make up for the disappointment. Party is about two hours drive away. DH said he would have to go as SIL had been so terribly let down by her friends and was devastated. I did bite my tongue as I do feel that SIL has quite naive to expect people to spend this amount of money/make that commitment of annual leave in the first place.

I pointed out to DH that the course was that weekend, that we had agreed we woukd go, that it was important that we went (it is to me even though I know that people have mixed views re nct) and that I was very sorry for SIL but she was still having a lovely trip to Las Vegas with her boyfriend FFS which was quite a lot more than lots of people do for their 30th birthdays. As a compromise, I gave various dates that SIL could come and visit us for another birthday treat. These dates are up to two weeks before I give birth. Fairly or unfairly, I'd rather be relaxing and not having people to stay then but I was trying to compromise.

Last night, DH told me that SIL is devastated that he won't be coming to the party. None of the dates I have given suit as SIL has various parties she wants to go to but she can come the week before the baby is due as SIL doesn't want to miss any parties etc. As SIL was so disappointed, DH has promised her he will finish the course at 5, drive to this fucking party for 2 hours, go for a bit and then drive home (no drinking). We'll then go it the second day of the course when DH will be exhausted

Rightly or wrongly, I've told DH that SIL and her boyfriend are not coming to stay a week before the baby is born. I'm thoroughly pissed off that DH is going to this party and I've made that clear to him. However, I think I'm angriest with SIL who knows the situation but is still guilt tripping DH in to doing this when I feel (given what we've already done for her birthday) that it would be nice if she could put DH/DC first in this situation and realise that DH has made a commitment to come to the course and actually he'll be fucking exhausted driving four hours there and back. What pisses me of more is that SIL won't change any of her commitments to going to parties etc to visit us on a date that suits us but we're expected to rearrange our lives to allow her to be the 30th birthday princess there, I've said it now!

I have spoken to DH and I realise that he is caught in the middle to a certain extent and we have reached an uneasy truce. However, I've slept on it and still woken up raging so I need to vent on here

I'm actually wondering about saying something to SIL which is very unlike me but I'm wondering about just giving her a call and being honest and saying I'm upset that DH is in this position. Don't think it will help but I'd feel better!

The course is for both of them to learn some things that might be useful for the birth and caring for the baby afterwards isnt it? For both of them.

I'm such he recognises that. Since you know nothing about him or their situation, I wonder what makes you imagine you (the collective you) can make pronouncements on his intellect, manhood and love for his wife? It really is quite something to watch.

Given that the 39 week visit is for yet another 30th birthday celebration to make up for the fact that they are busy the weekend if the party, one would hope ruining the NCT weekend would be enough for her and that is no longer an issue.

I'm commenting based on this man's actions, as described by his wife.

Of course, it could all be made up , but that goes for everything on the internet.

I don't get the problem with him going to the party at all, it's only two hours away. And, coming back, it could be even quicker as the motorways will be clear at that time of night.

Okay, so the poor bloke says he'll go for dinner with his wife, but he's got another six days in the week to do that. As selfish and entitled as the sister sounds (who expects their friends to go Vegas for their 30th?!?!), it IS her 30th birthday party, and it's not very far away.

Despite the fact that I'm currently 35 weeks pregnant, if it was my DH I'd be going with him to the party, setting straight off after the NCT course. I'd enjoy myself, watch him have a fair few drinks, maybe have a glass of wine myself, and try to have a good time with the spoilt SIL.
We'd then drive back in the morning, in time for the NCT class starting, if there was room for us to stop over. If there wasn't room for the air mattress, then I'd ask DH not to drink and to drive us both back that night. While I'm not too tired to enjoy a good party, I AM currently too tired to drive for two hours at night, and would be trying to get a nice snooze in before NCT the following day.

I also don't get why DH will be "exhausted" at the second day of the course. He's a grown man, and it's only two hours away!!
Myself and my DH have been to several dos together, throughout my third trimester, and driven home afterwards. Just trying to make the most of going out and having fun before our baby arrives, even if that does mean a few hours' driving here and there.

But, but he'll be AT the course! He'll be there for the first day, gone for the evening to a family engagement, then back for the next day!

How this makes him a shit dh and shit soon-to-be-father is beyond me! It's a compromise!

It would be different if he was just not going to bother to go on the course!

Commenting...and attributing a lot of extras.

I often wonder if OP's are happy with these responses on threads, or if they feel bad afterwards? They want vindication that they are right and the husband is wrong, fair enough. But what they often end up with is "your husband is a big thick pussy boy who doesn't love you and is/will be a terrible father". Doesn't seem either fair or helpful to me, but perhaps I'm wrong, maybe they love it.

A two hour drive is nothing. I do that almost every day.

SIL sounds a nightmare, you have my sympathy there.

I am completely with ATIYL, on this one.

MrSunshine, giving birth, especially for the first time is really frightening for a lot of people. The OP wants to do this course so she is as well prepared as possible. Whether the NCT course is considered boring or not, to experienced parents, is irrelevant. It's important to the OP and her husband promised to attend. They had plans which he is now dumping in order to pander to his sister.

He needs to adjust his priorities and if I was the OP, I would be telling my dh that we had plans already and I expect him to honour them.

The sort of people who would guilt trip him into dropping his plans and doing all that travelling, when he can't even relax and have a drink when he gets there, are the sort of people that one shouldn't go out of the way to accommodate!

Can't see any posts where the words you quote have been used Mr Sunshine, I'm afraid.

It's looks very clear to this outsider that the DH is repeatedly putting his sister's demands ahead of what the OP has asked for. The OP happily celebrates SIL's birthday according to SIL's wishes, then when DH is ordered by his family to pick up the shortfall caused by SIL's friends, OP asks her husband to honour his original commitment to her . He refuses to do this, and changes his plans to suit his sister's demands. OP offers suitable dates for SIl to visit- SIL rejects them and wants to visit when OP will be 39 weeks pregnant.

Sorry, but none of this looks to me like a man who is prioritising his wife.

Except he isn't dumping the plans, and he is going to the course. So what, exactly, are you complaining about, karma?

I'm on the verge of mild nervous hysterics that SIL will insist that DH goes to Las Vegas for a week too - not to let her down!

Still contemplating what to do. I can't and I won't force DH not to go. But I want to make sure that I make my point re this. I'm considering calling MIL in a state of "confusion" to say that DH has told me that there is some issue re LasVegas and now there is a party but I'm confused as DH had previously said that unfortunately he couldn't make it and perhaps SIL of the course etc so would it help if I called her

I'm not going to leave DH over this. He's a lovely man and part of the problem is that he tries to make everyone happy. SIL is also nice but thoughtless and a bit selfish so that combination seems to end up with me as the loser. So, I just need to work out how I deal with this now because a lot of it relies on me just taking it without speaking to MIL, FIL or SIL. I then vent at DH but really it is ultimately SIL I'm pissed off with and FIL a bit. I do not want to fall out with everyone or estrange DH from his family but I do need to work out how I can start a dialogue re this rather than just passively expecting it.

and others. The repeated accusations of him letting down his wife are not actually based in reality, since he is doing both, not choosing one over the other.

"accepting" it

They had plans to go out to dinner. The dh is already making noises about how he needn't be back for 10 am and does it really matter if he is a little bit late. That's what I'm 'complaining' about - the shift in attitude/priorities from doing something which is very important to his wife and which he had already agreed to.

Maybe I'm especially picky, but I think that people ought to do the things they commit to and not dump pre existing plans because their grown up sister is a diva.

Sorry, but I think YABU. Your husband is a grown man who is quite able to make the call as to whether he will be too tired to drive to a party and back.

He will still be attending the course with you.

He will be attending his sister's party.

He is ok to drive, make the decision himself, he is not having to choose one or the other.

I don't see the problem.

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

I just giving another side since I feel its a little unfairly slanted. I think he's stuck in the middle between wife and family, none of whom have mentioned where his choice comes into any of it. Perhaps he doesn't get one?

The thing is, once you take the decision to have children, what you want is no longer the priority. When you have a spouse and a family of your own, you have to start considering their needs as well as you own.

OP, your dh probably is a nice man, but you are going to be driven batshit crazy by your ILs if you don't stand your ground a bit more. Trust me, these things never improve when you have a baby.

I think that you and dh should make an agreement not to commit to any plans without prior consultation to the other and it should be a 'rule' in your household that existing plans are unbreakable unless the other party agrees to it first. That should stop your dh from agreeing to things on the spur of the moment and will give you a bit of distance to plan how to handle these situations. He should get in the habit of saying, "I'll talk to Shiny and see what we have in the diary."

Tbh, it sounds as if your own family takes second place rather a lot - your dh wasn't coming across particularly well when it came to attending your nephew's party, but it's okay to drop everything for sil?

Being accommodating is fine - but you can be too accommodating and that's not good for you/ your family life in the long run.

OP I would just let the party issue lie. I think your DH might well change his mind when he's at the course and realises he'll be driving for four hours, leaving you on your own (and everyone there will know it...) - just to make a brief entry and exit at his sister's party! He might just realise when it comes to it that it's all a bit over-the-top. She's hardly going to spend two hours with him when there are lots of other people there, including her boyfriend.

I think it's far more important that you make sure the weekend so close to the birth is cancelled so you don't have the additional stress. You've already taken her away for a treat, and you'll be heavily pregnant by then. It's really not a good time to be organising a do, and you might even have a newborn.

Mine arrived two weeks and six days early!

Please don't call your MIL in a state of 'confusion' over SIL's birthday plans, that's ridiculous.

She is entitled to plan whatever she likes for her birthday without running it past you and your DH first. You and your DH can then choose to participate in the plans, or not. Your DH has decided he'd like to attend his sisters birthday party and is still attending your NCT course - that is perfectly reasonable.

Your problem is that you're not happy about the choice your DH has made (who I'm starting to feel increasingly sorry for brw).

If my DH presumed to make a phone call to my family similar to the one you're proposing, I'd be fucking livid with him.

The thing is, once you take the decision to have children, what you want is no longer the priority

Sometimes it is, actually. Its not always self last in line. That way lies madness.

I wouldn't call MIL, Shiny, I'd call SIL and explain that there's obviously some confusion as DH has made a commitment to go to the NCT course both days that weekend , and that you had dinner plans. I'd tell her that DH must have got mixed up, because you cannot imagine that SIL would expect DH to leave his heavily pregnant wife behind and miss part of this very important course given all that he's already done for her birthday. And of course, with this being your first baby, you're very nervous about labour starting while DH is drunk at a party a hundred miles away.

If you present it in a way that suggests that it must be a mix up because nobody would make demands that are that unreasonable, she might actually see reason. Don't go through middlemen.

Maybe I'll just phone mil and SIL and say I'm pissed off then. I wouldn't be fucking livid if DH phoned anyone in my family to discuss any issue he had with them. He can communicate what he wats to who he wants when he wants I expect the same freedom