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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL - 30th birthday issues

213 replies

shinyblackgrape · 23/09/2012 07:56

SIL will be 30 later this year. She had planned to go to Las Vegas with a group of friends for her actual birthday so DH and I took her away for 4 days in July as her birthday present - which was what she wanted

I'm currently 31 weeks pregnant with our first DC. I've booked for DH and I to go to an NCT class at the end if October for two days. I knowvthatbpeoole have different views of the NCT but it's important to me that we go. The class is on SIL's birthday weekend but that was fine as she was going to Las Vegas and we had already taken her away for 4 days.

Labout a week ago, DH started telling me a tragic story about SIL being terribly let down by her friends as surprise surprise once it actually came to stumping up the £1,500 for the holiday and taking a week of leave, people are now deciding they don't want to go. The trip isn't cancelled though - SIL is still going with her boyfriend and another couple. However, the date has been moved and SIL will also be having a party on the day of her birthday to make up for the disappointment. Party is about two hours drive away. DH said he would have to go as SIL had been so terribly let down by her friends and was devastated. I did bite my tongue as I do feel that SIL has quite naive to expect people to spend this amount of money/make that commitment of annual leave in the first place.

I pointed out to DH that the course was that weekend, that we had agreed we woukd go, that it was important that we went (it is to me even though I know that people have mixed views re nct) and that I was very sorry for SIL but she was still having a lovely trip to Las Vegas with her boyfriend FFS which was quite a lot more than lots of people do for their 30th birthdays. As a compromise, I gave various dates that SIL could come and visit us for another birthday treat. These dates are up to two weeks before I give birth. Fairly or unfairly, I'd rather be relaxing and not having people to stay then but I was trying to compromise.

Last night, DH told me that SIL is devastated that he won't be coming to the party. None of the dates I have given suit as SIL has various parties she wants to go to but she can come the week before the baby is due as SIL doesn't want to miss any parties etc. As SIL was so disappointed, DH has promised her he will finish the course at 5, drive to this fucking party for 2 hours, go for a bit and then drive home (no drinking). We'll then go it the second day of the course when DH will be exhausted

Rightly or wrongly, I've told DH that SIL and her boyfriend are not coming to stay a week before the baby is born. I'm thoroughly pissed off that DH is going to this party and I've made that clear to him. However, I think I'm angriest with SIL who knows the situation but is still guilt tripping DH in to doing this when I feel (given what we've already done for her birthday) that it would be nice if she could put DH/DC first in this situation and realise that DH has made a commitment to come to the course and actually he'll be fucking exhausted driving four hours there and back. What pisses me of more is that SIL won't change any of her commitments to going to parties etc to visit us on a date that suits us but we're expected to rearrange our lives to allow her to be the 30th birthday princess there, I've said it now!

I have spoken to DH and I realise that he is caught in the middle to a certain extent and we have reached an uneasy truce. However, I've slept on it and still woken up raging so I need to vent on here

I'm actually wondering about saying something to SIL which is very unlike me but I'm wondering about just giving her a call and being honest and saying I'm upset that DH is in this position. Don't think it will help but I'd feel better!

OP posts:
Original poster
shinyblackgrape · 23/09/2012 12:40

I think that's a good idea inertia - I though SIL may find it preferable for me to discuss with MIL first but I think it's correct I just speak to her directly

OP posts:
Inertia · 23/09/2012 12:48

It's not always self last in line- but you'd have to be bloody selfish to always put your wants ahead of your family's needs.I'd quite like every day to consist of a spa and lunch with friends- but I have a family, so I go to work; I ensure that my children have appropriate housing, clothing, food, adult care; I help them with their homework and reading, etc.

It'd be nice to swan off to parties every saturday night- but once I got married, there was another person to consider, and we consult one another about our plans first. Once I had children, my responsibilities increased greatly.

fedupofnamechanging · 23/09/2012 12:49

I think this is between you and your husband. The issue is with him agreeing to something when you already had plans.

In his position I wouldn't be happy with my dh phoning my brother. I would expect my spouse to deal with me directly.

Inertia · 23/09/2012 12:50

If my DH started making plans which affected me without consulting me first, I'd be livid, and feel fully entitled to make phone calls in order to make plans which suited everybody.

StanleyLambchop · 23/09/2012 12:52

From what you have said, I can't see him making the second day of the course at all. Once he is at the party will the family put pressure on him- 'Go on, have a drink, one won't hurt' until one has turned into six and then he will have to stay the night, and then will be 'sorry I am running late as I am hungover, etc etc. So UANBU, but I really hope I am wrong (as I don't know him at all!)

fedupofnamechanging · 23/09/2012 12:53

Would you not expect your dh to call his own sister and say "actually I already have plans which I'd forgotten about, so won't be able to attend after all."

I'd be livid too, but I'd expect dh to dig himself out of this hole.

pumpkinsweetie · 23/09/2012 13:03

Yanbu-This reeks of 16yo Drama Queen, obviously sil thinks of SELF, SELF.
It's not surprising her friends cba with grown spoilt bratGrin
If she is like this now, imagine the hoo ha over her 40th!!!! Seriously the woman needs to grow up and realise the universe doesn't revolve around lavish birthday do's unless of course, she is a cele(braty)Grin

Yanbu to uninvite her to your home when your baby is two weeks from being born.
The drama will be imensce and baby could be born early as you will be 38 weeks by then.

Don't get involved in her drama, she sounds much like my estranged ILs exept worse in the aspect of spending thousands on a birthday. Each to their own but she shouldn't expect you or anyone else to go along with it!

onebigwish · 23/09/2012 13:16

I do understand your feelings, OP. But I think I'd have more respect for it if you just said "look, I'm going to be heavily pregnant, I don't like the idea of him being away so I want him to stay".

Instead it's all been complicated with non issues like your DH being exhausted.

I'm also sceptical about the drip feeding on things like the planned dinner and DH saying he'll turn up late the next day which weren't included when you outlined your original problem with the situation.

Original poster
shinyblackgrape · 23/09/2012 13:20

To be honest onebigwish, the dinner isn't the major issue for me and it has only been since the discussion later this morning that DH has alluded to turning up late. In this instance, there's a difference between "drip feeding" and updating the position

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 23/09/2012 13:20

I think you need to point out to your DH that the NCT course is as much (ifnot more so) for his benefit - he will have taken in a lot of information on day one that you will have probably already had through midwive appointments and online research. He will need to talk it through. Every couple on our course went home quiet on the Saturday and returned on the Sunday morning full of questions and obviously spent the night talking.

He will miss out on that for the sake of what, 1 hour? 2?

I would also say if the course runs later than 5pm, tough, you are staying until the end and he's then driving you home. You will be arriving on time the following morning. If he can't commit to that and the party, then the first commitment (that of the course) is the one he has to do.

MamaMumrOrangeTheGolden · 23/09/2012 13:24

Sisters birthday trumps nct - wait, no one is cancelling the nct.

shiney why don't you go too? a thing Biscuit

Original poster
shinyblackgrape · 23/09/2012 13:27

mama - because I don't want to be tired and late the next day. And I'd be quite happy not to see SIL ever again at the moment

OP posts:
Original poster
shinyblackgrape · 23/09/2012 13:30

karma - did call and DS was "devastated". Then FIL stuck his oar in and told DH that SIL was devastated and it was DH 's duty as her brother to attend and mitigate this disapointment as she was so "devastated" re las Vegas

OP posts:
Iheartpasties · 23/09/2012 13:37

Bluergh, I cannot imagine being devistated that my brother couldnt come to my 30th birthday party and getting my daddy to tell him what to do. Glad they are not my IL's.

BTW I love my brothers very much, and my dad.

Numberlock · 23/09/2012 13:43

Dump him and let him find someone who thinks he's capable of making his own decisions.

Either that or don't let your issues with his sister affect your relationship. He's going on your course, you can have dinner any other night. This is such a non-issue.

As for being tired, I'm sure he can cope with a late night and a 10am start the next day without being hospitalised with exhaustion.

Arithmeticulous · 23/09/2012 13:45

Forget that fact it's a party - who would take the chance of missing hours of early labour the birth of their child? Leaving a heavily pregnant woman, who has spent all day thinking about babies and throwing an oxytocin party with other pregnant women, to drive two hours away - not on.

MerylStrop · 23/09/2012 13:49

Your poor DH is stuck between a rock and hard place

You could move on the NCT thing, if you wanted. It really isn't all that.
Why it should trump a family birthday party?

hhhhhhh · 23/09/2012 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpicyPear · 23/09/2012 14:07

I'm a bit agog at all the people saying the four hours driving is nothing. It depends on the person! Because of where I live I drive short distances about once a fortnight, sometimes not even that. When I occasionally do two hours to see family I find it absolutely exhausting, as does DH. I would really struggle to do two hours back the same day, let alone two hours later. Surely the OP knows best from experience what effect it will have on her husband!

Numberlock · 23/09/2012 14:12

Shock horror, perhaps the husband can even decide for himself that he can cope with this!!

MrSunshine · 23/09/2012 14:12

Some of us drive that to work and back. It's all relative.

MistressIggi · 23/09/2012 14:18

My brothers got me cards for my 30th. Not four nights away AND going to a party AND arrviving a week before a baby is due.
Of course if he can fit the party in he should go, but you should not have to cancel your plans.
She sounds very entitled indeed.

SpicyPear · 23/09/2012 14:19

Exactly my point Mr Sunshine and of course you're right Numberlock. What I should have said was "better than any of us" rather than best. Having said that, I don't see anything wrong with pointing out to your partner (or vice versa) that their decision to do something tiring will also have an impact on you. As in, they might be prepared to knacker themselves out, but if that's going to make them a grumpy arse during a day together it might not be fair on you.

DontmindifIdo · 23/09/2012 14:20

MerylStrop - in fairness, the OP did call to see if there were places on the other NCT courses and was told not (we were equally told there was one option for us, take it or leave it with NCT classes, and that was several months earlier.). So she either goes on this date or has no antenatal course. While some people are happy with no antenatal classes, but most parents feel happier having had at least a little preparation...

Numberlock · 23/09/2012 14:22

She doesn't have to miss the NCT course !!!!!!

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