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Original poster

SIL - 30th birthday issues

213 replies

shinyblackgrape · 23/09/2012 07:56

SIL will be 30 later this year. She had planned to go to Las Vegas with a group of friends for her actual birthday so DH and I took her away for 4 days in July as her birthday present - which was what she wanted

I'm currently 31 weeks pregnant with our first DC. I've booked for DH and I to go to an NCT class at the end if October for two days. I knowvthatbpeoole have different views of the NCT but it's important to me that we go. The class is on SIL's birthday weekend but that was fine as she was going to Las Vegas and we had already taken her away for 4 days.

Labout a week ago, DH started telling me a tragic story about SIL being terribly let down by her friends as surprise surprise once it actually came to stumping up the £1,500 for the holiday and taking a week of leave, people are now deciding they don't want to go. The trip isn't cancelled though - SIL is still going with her boyfriend and another couple. However, the date has been moved and SIL will also be having a party on the day of her birthday to make up for the disappointment. Party is about two hours drive away. DH said he would have to go as SIL had been so terribly let down by her friends and was devastated. I did bite my tongue as I do feel that SIL has quite naive to expect people to spend this amount of money/make that commitment of annual leave in the first place.

I pointed out to DH that the course was that weekend, that we had agreed we woukd go, that it was important that we went (it is to me even though I know that people have mixed views re nct) and that I was very sorry for SIL but she was still having a lovely trip to Las Vegas with her boyfriend FFS which was quite a lot more than lots of people do for their 30th birthdays. As a compromise, I gave various dates that SIL could come and visit us for another birthday treat. These dates are up to two weeks before I give birth. Fairly or unfairly, I'd rather be relaxing and not having people to stay then but I was trying to compromise.

Last night, DH told me that SIL is devastated that he won't be coming to the party. None of the dates I have given suit as SIL has various parties she wants to go to but she can come the week before the baby is due as SIL doesn't want to miss any parties etc. As SIL was so disappointed, DH has promised her he will finish the course at 5, drive to this fucking party for 2 hours, go for a bit and then drive home (no drinking). We'll then go it the second day of the course when DH will be exhausted

Rightly or wrongly, I've told DH that SIL and her boyfriend are not coming to stay a week before the baby is born. I'm thoroughly pissed off that DH is going to this party and I've made that clear to him. However, I think I'm angriest with SIL who knows the situation but is still guilt tripping DH in to doing this when I feel (given what we've already done for her birthday) that it would be nice if she could put DH/DC first in this situation and realise that DH has made a commitment to come to the course and actually he'll be fucking exhausted driving four hours there and back. What pisses me of more is that SIL won't change any of her commitments to going to parties etc to visit us on a date that suits us but we're expected to rearrange our lives to allow her to be the 30th birthday princess there, I've said it now!

I have spoken to DH and I realise that he is caught in the middle to a certain extent and we have reached an uneasy truce. However, I've slept on it and still woken up raging so I need to vent on here

I'm actually wondering about saying something to SIL which is very unlike me but I'm wondering about just giving her a call and being honest and saying I'm upset that DH is in this position. Don't think it will help but I'd feel better!

OP posts:
MrSunshine · 23/09/2012 14:23

Numberlock, nobody cares about that!

Numberlock · 23/09/2012 14:29

True, MrS, why let the facts get in the way of emasculating him further though?

BlueSkySinking · 23/09/2012 14:42

Your DH has to put the baby and you before SIL right now. You will be full term and should not have guests staying in your house and DH should not be miles away just in case you go into labor.

I suggest you send an email to SIL and copy in DH ''Hi SIL, how are you? It's such a shame you can't make any of the dates mentioned. As you know we are fast approaching my due date and will actually be considered full term on the xxx. It's amazing that I could actually give birth while your party is in full swing!! Anyway, I will need to rest on the week you suggested visiting and so I won't be up to having guests sadly. We must arrange some future dates once I know what life is like with a new born and little sleep''

SIL sounds selfish and unable to think of your needs. Babies/giving birth/being pregnant etc top trump a 30th bash

BlueSkySinking · 23/09/2012 14:46

I met 3 of my best friends on an NCT course 11 years ago

PiggeryJokery · 23/09/2012 14:48

OP YANBU. Given that you originally booked the NCT course in the knowledge that this wouldn't cross with DSIL's plans, as she would have been in Vegas, it's not your fault that she's had to change things and is now available that day after all. She has a bf and friends, who are coming to the party presumably, unless she's too devastated to talk to them, so you and your DH not coming really won't matter.

Without wishing your baby to arrive too early, just imagine if he / she puts in an appearance on the day of the 30th and steals the show completely ... Grin

Numberlock · 23/09/2012 14:48

So all the husbands who work more than two hours from home or travel overnight should be on leave from 34 weeks onward. Perfectly feasible!

Some people can't cope with a lot, can they?

BlueSkySinking · 23/09/2012 14:50

Your DH needs to ring SIL and explain that you can't possibly let blackgrape down. There is the possibility you could be in labor or with a new born on her birthday date and of course black grape has to take president.

HellATwork · 23/09/2012 14:52

I had a similar-ish situation with my X-DP re the NCT class although not involving a SIL. It was just quite apparent that he wasn't keen and was going to have to dash off to this, arrive a bit late, will we have to go all day Sunday?, any other engagement which came up that weekend after we had booked it and clashed was considered as something we should move NTC/duck out of the weekend for etc. Finally I just said, look, please don't come. I will get my friend to come with me. You go and do whatever you want to do that is so important to you during that weekend. I'll do what is important to me. Big sigh of relief from him.

Until he heard me reminding friend on phone to pack a little hospital bag for if I called and was in labour and he asked me why? I then had to explain that asnthis was my first time giving birth, that while it doesn't go wrong a lot of the time, it goes wrong enough times for me to want someone I'm close to there, fighting my corner and understanding what the medical advice/views were if I wasn't in a position to. And my friend would be that person because they'd come on the course with me and we'd talk about it different options, what-ifs etc about giving birth , and my "birth-plan" (bwah ha ha) during the NCT weekend and they would know when to call my parents for example if the hospital needed next of kin for medical decisions. He then asked wouldn't it be a squeeze to have her there as well, and I explained she wouldn't be there as well to help, she would be there instead of him to help since she would know more what to do than he would. It then dawned on him the weekend wasn't one long awkward social engagement he'd been struggling to get out of and he changed his mine (And at our NCT weekend they focused mainly on emergency and non-emergency c-sections on the sunday, which I was lucky not to have in the end but very grateful for feeling a bit more prepared if it did).

Christ on a bike. Dread to think of amount of devotion DH will have to show if and when SIL has a child. He will probably be ordered to attend that NCT weekend with her and her partner.

BlueSkySinking · 23/09/2012 14:52

Number lock, it's a party and not work. Of course all the DH's who work 2 hours away would have to continue working BUT given the choice it's better to choose not to be far away.

HellATwork · 23/09/2012 14:54

oh and I like Bluesky's breezy, yet pointed email suggestion

waltermittymissus · 23/09/2012 15:06

This is so ridiculous! IF you go into labour during the 6 hours that he'll be gone he can get back to you in plenty of time.

Regardless of anything else that's happened his sister is having a party that he wants to show his face at. HE'S NOT MISSING THE COURSE.

What the hell is the problem?!

RuleBritannia · 23/09/2012 15:08

If I were the OP, I wouldn't have any visitors come to stay a week before the birth. Visitors mean work. There'd be extra cleaning (of a bedroom not used much so not cleaned as often as the rest of the rooms), extra cooking (peeling of vegetables, standing up stirring at the cooker, leaning forward to reach into the oven), extra shopping to cater for them (extra bags to carry).

It could be that the SIL is trying to be there at the time birth takes place (not necessarily with the OP though). As other posters have said some babies are born early - my first born was a week early.

The husband has kindly said that he'd do the NCT and the party, travel to the SIL's party and return that night. If he has any drink (SIL probably presses drinks onto people), he might well spend the night at her place and miss the NCT the second day.

I've read only the first page of this thread so far.

RuleBritannia · 23/09/2012 15:17

Sorry but I've just read StanleyLambChop's post about the OP's husband staying the night. I was a bit late there.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 23/09/2012 15:30

As I said earlier - are you SURE he will not be pressurized to have a drink and miss the Sunday altogether?

MrSunshine · 23/09/2012 15:31

because a man can't go to a party without getting legless and missing the whole next day? Hmm

Original poster
shinyblackgrape · 23/09/2012 15:31

In a nutshell - the issue is that I would like for my DH not to give in to emotional blackmail from his family and for his family to realise that me and the baby are also DH's family and what is important to me/us I deserves to be respected.

Yes - he will attend the course but, as I have set out above, clock watching g to get away and cutting it as fine as he can the next day to get back. So instead if it being something we were both looming forward to (which it is), it actually becomes a stressful nuisance to DH

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 23/09/2012 15:32

OP don't go calling other relatives, it's your DH's decision, concerning who and what is most important to him. The irony is that, as hellATwork explains, it's probably going to be at the NCT class that he realises why he might want to choose to stay close to home at that stage.

Chances are you'll be fine, first labours are usually long and you'll probably have a plan B, just in case he drinks, can't drive home and you go into labour that night, or any other unlikely eventuality. My DP was often up to 5 hours drive away for work and my plan B was to get a taxi (ante-natal class prompted me to check which firms would accept this, some won't) and give birth with hospital staff only, as the friends who'd have been useful birth partners live far away. He'd probably still have got there before the birth - and was very keen I call him at the earliest signs of labour! (All ok, happened at night).

But, if you were the person from my class whose labour was so fast that she gave birth at home, before the ambulance could get there, assisted by her DP guided by phone from the hospital, you'd probably be really pleased he was with you. That's really unusual and I don't mean to play scaremonger but, I think many of us imagine things will be straightforward and go to plan and we're a bit surprised to hear, often at ante-natal classes, that, for a significant minority, they don't.

Original poster
shinyblackgrape · 23/09/2012 15:34

I know he will be pressurised to have a drink but I am trusting him not go. I'm not stopping him going - I can't do that and it wouldn't be right to. I would lime him ti chose not go - as he did in the first place before FIL spoke to him and SIL called

OP posts:
Numberlock · 23/09/2012 15:41

myboys you almost sound as if you'd love that to happen...

Original poster
shinyblackgrape · 23/09/2012 15:44

Trusting him not "to" drink.

I have to - he's not a monkey and I'm not his keeper. But I would strongly prefer if he didn't give in to the emotional blackmail and prioritised our existing commitment

The irony is - no one well end up try happy. DH will be frazzled. SIL will be pissed if that he wasn't there for the full night to pay homage to her and I'll be cross and feel second best

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 23/09/2012 15:49

Maybe you should tell him all of this and see what comes of it. Sounds like you are simmering away in silence and your dh should know what you think and why you think it.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 23/09/2012 15:51

No - I really hope he doesn't drink and let you down. But I just don't want you disappointed when he doesn't return home that night and so not attend the next day.

MrSunshine - Some men cant go to parties and remain sober, just like some women cant. Not making a judgement - just putting a thought "out there".

Inertia · 23/09/2012 15:54

He won't be able to drive straight back if he has been drinking though - OP is expecting that the family will put pressure on him to drink and stay, and he's already demonstrated how easily he caves in to pressure and emotional blackmail from family.

Inertia · 23/09/2012 16:05

In fact I can see it in my crystal ball already - DH will arrive to a sulk that he wasn't there in time for SIL's grand entrance; she will be mortally offended if he doesn't drink any of her personalised champagne; he can't possibly leave before the end of the party, that's just rude; he really should be staying overnight as he is family; SIL will be devastated if he is not there for the post-party brunch; as he's driving in the morning anyway he can drop off the stayover guests on his way.

I hope I'm wrong.

Let's hope you don't go into labour just as SIL is due back from LA - just in case they expect DH to turn up to SIL's welcome back party instead of going to hospital.

Original poster
shinyblackgrape · 23/09/2012 16:30

Aaaarggh - DH just advised that SIL has now "rearranged" her social life to come on a weekend that doesn't suit. I've texted her to say. I'm just going to start actually stopping this myself directly. DH not happy. I'm completely sick of this and sick of DH's family causing issues. I'm so sad and angry that what should be a really special time is being ruined by SIL and we're arguing constantly which makes me worried about the baby and my bloody blood pressure

OP posts: