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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To complain about cold and unfriendly teaching assistant?

273 replies

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts · 20/09/2012 22:48

DD2 has just begun in reception at the school where my DD1 is. It is a lovely school...just gorgeous and everyone is happy with it.

However...there is a teaching assistant there who is so unfriendly as to appear hostile. She's in the reception class and she is one of those people who has a cold expression all the time.

Today I said "Hi...good morning!" to her as I left DD to go into the line up and she looked at me like I was a piece of shit. No exaggeration...she looked directly into my eyes and kept her face still with a cold expression.

It was quite upsetting to then watch my DD go in there...under her care...even partially! She's done this on another occasion but I put it down to maybe she was having a bad morning.

My question is this...should I give her one more chance to pick up her demeanor... keep being friendly....and if she carries on, then complain to the HT? or the teacher?

I just don't feel happy about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts · 21/09/2012 21:28

Almadine thank you...Blush sorry nokids I've just had such a bashing on this thread that you could say "You're bloody lovely OP" and I'd take it as an insult! Grin

OP posts:
nokidshere · 21/09/2012 21:33

Thank you Almandine - thats exactly what I meant!

Just read it back and yes it sounded awful! I can only blame a couple of glasses of wine and a very stressful day for my appalling lack of grammar!

When I did my training many years ago a TA was there simply to "clean up" around the teacher. That is not the case anymore and they are, quite rightly, seen as an important part of the classroom dynamics.

(its taken me ages to write that para and i am not even sure it makes any more sense than my last post so I will go off and have some more wiine :))

BoomerGold · 21/09/2012 21:34

I read the first couple of pages. I feel the same as you do, OP. She works in a school, she needs to slap her happy face on like so many others have to and be courteous.

All this 'so what if she wasn't pleasant to you?' stuff is rubbish. Half the posters here would be just as peeved about someone acting like that to them.

lovebunny · 21/09/2012 22:10

re o p, t a might be asperger. give her the benefit of the doubt.

Almandine · 21/09/2012 22:14

Even aspergers adults know to turn the corners of their mouths up when saying hello to people.

Fairenuff · 21/09/2012 22:58

Not necessarily.

There is a parent at our school who is incredibly rude. He just barges in and fires questions at staff, even if they are mid-conversation with others. He walks into 'staff only' areas without even knocking and never says excuse me, please or thankyou.

He has aspergers. He is employed.

Flumpfeet · 21/09/2012 23:07

Exactly the same at our school...the TA in question was/is ridiculously hostile, even the kids aren't keen on her... DD is now in yr1 so was quite pleased not to have daily contact with sourfaced puss TA, then found out she helps out in Y1 too Hmm

pigletpower · 21/09/2012 23:29

I can't quite believe some of the shit responses I am reading here! I don't ask for jazz hands and rictus grins,but I do ask for a pleasant manner and manners when dropping my child off at school.

Almandine · 21/09/2012 23:43

Haha, I might give the parents Jazz hands on Monday morning and see what the parents think. Actually, the class teacher does do jazz hands, but in a manic, crazy kind of way when she lets them out at the end of the day. Grin

bigbuttons · 21/09/2012 23:55

OP, I've had some right old bashings here in my time. You realise that some people just want a fight, they just want to be nasty. It make no difference what you say.
There are some right sad gits posting on this forum. These are mostly women and mothers. What does it say about them, their home lives?
I'd say if they NEED to be vile then they are deeply unhappy and angry people. Because if you feel good about yourself and your life you don't post shit like I've read here. Try and remember that, these people are sad individuals taking their frustrations out on anyone they can.
Don't give it a second's more thought.

Angelico · 21/09/2012 23:58

OP am a bit baffled at some of the responses you got at the start of the thread. You are perfectly entitled to expect someone to say good morning to you when you have said it to them. Frankly if they can't manage that then they shouldn't be working with the general public Confused If someone blanked me once I would assume they had something on their mind / were distracted. If they did it again I would assume they were a mentalist :o

We moved house recently and most of the neighbours are lovely - very friendly area. There's a rather odd couple across the road though and the woman has blanked me a couple of times. I take huge delight in waving and beaming at her whenever I see her (about 4 times so far), then cackling evilly to myself when she doesn't respond :o Blush But tbh I have a low tolerance for unnecessarily grumpy fuckers...

Of course maybe she thinks I'm a weird, over-friendly loon :o

Almandine · 22/09/2012 00:08

Well, this is AIBU....really brings out the worst in people around here.

I think some people actually think "Oh, my day has been shit, I'm going to go on to mumsnet and rip apart some OPs on AIBU."

MrDobalina · 22/09/2012 00:10

angelico or maybe her mother is dying/ she is being abused by her husband/ she has an illnesss....or a million other reasons why she cant be arsed to get to know the over enthusiastic new neighbour, right now

Angelico · 22/09/2012 00:25

Possibly MrDob. Or possibly she's an arse... And if we never have a conversation I'll never know! I acknowledge her right to be weird and unfriendly - and also my right to be weird and friendly. Who knows it might be the start of a beautiful friendship... And let's face it, no matter what is going on in your life it doesn't take much effort to smile and say hello.

The OP's case is different because the TA is someone she is meeting in a professional capacity and if someone was rude to me under those circumstances I would not think it was okay to blank someone.

QuangleWangleQuee · 22/09/2012 00:29

Not read the other replies, but isn't it likely that she just didn't hear you? Presumably it wasn't dead silent in a reception classroom with all the children coming in. Some poeple don't have a naturally smiley expression and can look serious, even when they are feeling friendly. (I'm like that.) I wouldn't complain, I would just try again to engage her when you can be totally sure she can hear you

Original poster
BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts · 22/09/2012 00:37

No QUangle it's not. If you had read the thread you'd know that. I was a few feet from her...nobody else nearby...except me and DD..she blanked me....she looked in my eyes as I spoke and then ignored me.

OP posts:
stuffandthings · 22/09/2012 02:39

Yanbu. Ask the other parents what they've experienced, you will probably find they've had the same.

You seem to be getting quite a pasting from the mumsnutters here.

deleted203 · 22/09/2012 03:29

I'd be pissed off. I would make a point of saying good morning to her every day for a week and seeing how she responds. It is not acceptable in your professional capacity to be that rude to a parent, frankly.

EugenesAxe · 22/09/2012 04:12

Next time she does it just come straight out with a calmly spoken 'Is anything the matter? Only I would expect a teaching professional to acknowledge a "Good Morning" from a parent.'

Addressing the issue bluntly but with a non-inflammatory tone will hopefully make her open up. Then if she's still treating you in an objectionable way you could mention something. I wouldn't blank a oddball in the street that spoke to me in a friendly manner, so I don't think YABU to expect it here.

BoomerGold · 22/09/2012 06:55

I do wonder how she even had the nerve to look at you in such a way. I don't think I could deliberately stare someone out no matter how I felt about them.

Has anyone else done this to someone? What was the cause of it?

HecateHarshPants · 22/09/2012 08:06

So we don't have to say hello to someone who says hello to us?

Well, that's a decade of social skills training wasted then. Grin

I am absolutely staggered to read that not only is it perfectly ok to have someone say hello to you, look at them and utter not one word of reply, but if you find such a person rude - there's something wrong with you!

I tell you, I've gone down the bloody rabbit hole this morning! Grin

OP - I will stand with you in our freakly little needy, unreasonable, pain in the arse corner and say that I would think someone was rude if I said a cheery good morning to them, they looked at me, looked me up and down and didn't return my greeting.

Galena · 22/09/2012 08:40

You know, as a teacher, I once had a parent tell me that her DD thought I hated her because I was always giving her funny looks and wouldn't smile back when she smiled at me. Turned out that her seat in the classroom was the exact spot I would gaze at vacantly when I was thinking. She thought I was looking at her, I wasn't - I was thinking through a lesson plan or working out how to phrase a particular comment. I didn't even notice her smiling at me.

Maybe the TA honestly didn't hear you. Maybe she was watching a child behind you or thinking about something. Maybe the 'cold expression all the time' is because she's doing her job - watching children, making sure no-one is hurt/unkind/upset/lonely/misbehaving.

She's not employed to smile at you and chat to you - that is the school secretary's job. The TA is there to interact with the children - and I'm sure she does that in a perfectly acceptable way or they would have done something about it. You can't see how she does her job - the teacher can. If there was a problem, it would be sorted.

YABU (although you obviously don't believe all the people who have told you so!)

mumsknots · 22/09/2012 09:00

That's what I love about aibu.That's all pile in and disagree with op just for the sake of it!

Yanbu, it's just manners to acknowledge somebody if they've said good morning to you and why on earth should a TA be exempt.

Original poster
BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts · 22/09/2012 09:12

Galena that is utter crap. She is employed to assist the teacher in educating the children and to assist in the day to day running of the school/classroom and part of that is supporting the school in demonstrating a good level of communication.

She wasn't gazing vacantly either. She looked RIGHT in my eyes...I know she did. For all the people who keep insisting that a TA doesn't have to smile or be polite as part of their job I just had a google for some info on TA jobs descriptions..here are some examples

Support students with emotional or behavioural problems and help develop their social skills.

Support the aims and ethos of the school (expect detail)

OP posts:
MissAnnersley · 22/09/2012 09:13

I have not disagreed with the OP 'for the sake of it' - I have simply asked for a little perspective.

On one morning of one day a TA apparently ignored the OP. She was asking if she would be unreasonable to make a complaint the the headteacher.

It would be unreasonable.

The important thing is that her DD is happy and enjoys going into school, surely?
Isn't that what the school is for? Or have I missed something?

Other posters have offered sensible suggestions as to why she may have been less than attentive to the OP's 'needs'.

Continued and continual 'ignoring' may have to be dealt with but a quiet word with the teacher would be the way forward I would think.