To complain about cold and unfriendly teaching assistant?

[BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts]

DD2 has just begun in reception at the school where my DD1 is. It is a lovely school...just gorgeous and everyone is happy with it.

However...there is a teaching assistant there who is so unfriendly as to appear hostile. She's in the reception class and she is one of those people who has a cold expression all the time.

Today I said "Hi...good morning!" to her as I left DD to go into the line up and she looked at me like I was a piece of shit. No exaggeration...she looked directly into my eyes and kept her face still with a cold expression.

It was quite upsetting to then watch my DD go in there...under her care...even partially! She's done this on another occasion but I put it down to maybe she was having a bad morning.

My question is this...should I give her one more chance to pick up her demeanor... keep being friendly....and if she carries on, then complain to the HT? or the teacher?

I just don't feel happy about it.

OP you are not student. Your DD is.

I don't actually care that much anymore....it's her loss...if she wants to be rude, it will come and bite her on the arse eventually. Perhaps when our excellent HT notices how she is....or perhaps when she misses out on ther opportunities because she's not well mannered.

As I said...she doesn't seem mean to the DC when I saw her at a school function....they seemed to talk to her with no trouble...that's my main concern.

However....I won't be cowed by her either....or anyone for that matter. I keep coming back her because I am genuinely befuddled by some of the reactions. I am glad some people agree with me though.

Galena I can't believe another teacher has just written what you wrote. Seriously. The OP did not ask for a 'chat' - she asked for a common garden courtesy. How hard is it to say 'Hello' or 'Good Morning'?

For a teacher to have such low expectations of a professional colleague makes me wonder... And yes, I am a teacher.

Miss yes....but as a parent I have certain requirements re.. my child...I may need to communicate with this woman...I did in fact want to ask how DD was doing but couldn't as I was frozen out.

Angelico thank you...I didn't know Galena was a teacher. How worrying. I am HONESTLY not demanding or precious....DD is DD2....she's settled in well....I don't fuss or follow her in or badger the busy staff about her...I am not someone who thinks the world revolves around me and I know the difference between a busy/distracted TA and a rude one.

TIRED I JUST SAID about four minutes ago that she seemed ok with DC when I saw her at a function talking to some of the DC

And it is NOT all that matters. Her communication skills will be observed by the DC...some of whom need help socially as it is.

OP I think it is the 'complaint' thing that threw some people at the start which you probably posted in your first fit of rage. I think even as a one off it sounds odd because of the 'eye-balling' thing - that does not sound like someone 'staring into the middle distance', it sounds like someone being a prick. Unfortunately the thread got so long that people can't be arsed reading and are still under the impression you plan to complain about a one-time event.

If she kept it up for a period of time I would indeed have a quiet word with the teacher - or I also like Eugenes approach - direct but pleasant.

Angelico I was still ragey about it when I said should I complain....of course I won't...I should have said "AIBU to expect a TA to greet me in return" or something.

I will be watching her because she pissed me right off. Its also because the school is mega friendly and pleasant to be in....very nice staff and parents and my DD1 has had so much lovely support there as she is very shy...I think it took me aback.

No, common courtesy matters, imo. It matters in every environment, in every situation, in every interaction. It matters. It matters even more when children are watching and learning from everything you say and do. How do children learn about appropriate social behaviour? From watching. So how can anyone say that it doesn't matter if someone models the exact opposite of what is considered an appropriate response to a greeting?

I have neither disagreed with the OP 'for the sake of it', nor do I consider what I have said to be 'utter crap'.

As for 'Support students with emotional or behavioural problems and help develop their social skills.' you've shot yourself in the foot there... Support STUDENTS with... She will probably be playing social games with them - and honestly, if she was po-faced with the students, they would have a word. I've had to in the past.

I love when someone posts in AIBU and then refuses to hear that they might be BU.

I'm not denying that it's good manners to return a greeting and smile. However, on one occasion, on one day, she didn't. You can't be certain she heard you. You can't be certain she was looking AT you - in my example, the child was certain I was looking AT her, but I wasn't seeing her - my mind was elsewhere.

You asked if you would be unreasonable to complain to the head about her. Yes. You would be at this stage.

If, in a few more weeks, she still has never smiled at you and said hello, and your DD is complaining about her, then you wouldn't be unreasonable.

I will say "Are you alright?" if she does it again....and then ask her directly how DD is doing. The other TA i very hands on and seems to do all the button undoing etc.

But doesn't the way she interacts with adults matter at all Galena....honestly?

OP I totally get this.

It would bother me too. Sorry haven't read all the thread.

Have other parents picked up on this?

Didn't know I was a teacher? Oh, yes, I hid it well... I started my post with 'You know, as a teacher...'

And as a teacher I know that people have off days. As a professional I wouldn't expect a fellow professional to have a complaint made against them because on one occasion they didn't return a greeting when they could have been thinking about any number of different things and may not even be aware they failed to acknowledge someone.

Yes, it does. Hence why I said 'If, in a few more weeks, she still has never smiled at you and said hello, and your DD is complaining about her, then you wouldn't be unreasonable.'

I'm saying cut her some slack - it was one time. Monitor and move on.

I don't accept that she wasn't aware of me. I was one of the first in...the infants yar is tiny...she watched me approach the door with DD....she was standing a few feet from me BY THE DOOR I was about to put DD through.

She looked right at me and BLANKED ME and ignored my greeting. She was not unaware that I spoke to her.

And "having a bad day" is no excuse. So was I...I still found my manners.

As a professional, I try not to judge parents from one negative encounter, when they are demanding, rude or disruptive when I'm teaching.
I like to think of a reason why they are being horrible rather than thinking of them as crap parents and human beings and pitying their children.

I have said I will cut her some slack and monitor. I am however reiterating that she was aware of me and it is very likely she's simply rude and bad mannered.

YANBU She sounds like a bitch. I would never employ a teacher or teacher's assistant who could not manage a greeting.

woffling you sound as pleasant as ever!

OP HAVE OTHER PARENTS PICKED UP ON THIS?

( not shouting just want you to see it )

I'm not sure people are piling in to have a go at the OP just because they've had a bad day, as someone has suggested. I think they feel she is BU and are explaining why. I think had the OP worded it differently responses may have been more supportive. If the OP had said "AIBU to be upset that .... " she would have received much more support, but threatening to make a formal complaint to the headteacher, which may involve disciplinary procedures or loss of a job, based on the fact she wouldn't smile at you seems rather extreme, as do many people here.

Maybe she is cold and distant, maybe she is rude, maybe she dislikes you, but maybe she is struggling to cope with something in her life (I know we expect a professional to leave her problems at the door, but that is not always possible and I empathise with her, if this is the case). Maybe it is a one off or maybe it is always the same. But all those maybes can't be answered on one or two snatched interactions with her on a busy morning. Give it time, then decide what course of actions to take.

And sorry to seem like I'm wading in to have a go, but the OPs constant returns to the thread (especially talking about human rights) sounds like foot stamping / shouting "she's a cow and I'm right". And that sounds like you've really got it in for the TA.

Yes...my DH did and he said something to another Dad...I mentioned it up thread...the other Dad said something like "Oh HER>..I wouldn't bother!" and rolled his eyes as though he knew she was rude.

I wont ask anyone about her as that would seem like I was digging.