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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to babysit this elderly lady?

391 replies

hoopyloopy2 · 20/09/2012 22:30

I have just booked a once in a lifetime trip to see an old friend in Australia. Having heard about it, someone I know (not a close friend) has asked me if I would mind her booking her elderly mother (80s) on same flight so i can keep an eye on her on the trip (the mum has been thinking of visiting family there but apparently reluctant to travel alone). I really don't want to - this trip is a big treat for me, costing me a lot of money, and with two DCs at home, the flight was going to be some long-awaited me-time. AIBU if I say I can't help? And if not, what on earth do I say without looking like an uncharitable old cow?!

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 21/09/2012 08:05

I would absolutely say no. I would give no reason. Just, "No. Sorry. Can't."

And stop talking.

exoticfruits · 21/09/2012 08:09

You aren't been asked to accompany her- only for her to be on the same flight. Why not meet her first? She may be writing on gransnet that her family don't trust her alone and she is having to travel with a stranger when she wanted 'me' time! Come to an arrangement- I don't see that you have to sit together.

SuePurblybilt · 21/09/2012 08:11

I dunno. You've got to sit next to someone after all - but the 'what if it went wrong' concern is a valid one.
Could you meet the lady? Get a better idea of her needs and say outright, 'I need peace when travelling or I get nervous/stressed (whatever) - I hope you won't be offended when I wear my ipod and watch a movie'. Perhaps her daughter could fix her up with an mp3 or magazines.
So much depends on the people involved and only you know them. And on you - would you feel guilty forever if you said no?

MrsMiniversCharlady · 21/09/2012 08:13

Weeeell, I wouldn't want to either. Not at all. But I do think it would be the right thing to do. Treating other people as you would want to be treated etc etc.

googietheegg · 21/09/2012 08:14

I've not read the thread but I think Yanbu. This is your time. Ok so it's a bit selfish but so fucking what!! The friend can do it if it's so important. This isnot your issue to sort out.

CakeMeIAmYours · 21/09/2012 08:14

The thing is, whether or not this is an unreasonable request depends entirely on where you sit on the 'introvert/extrovert' scale.

I'm guessing this woman is an extrovert type and would welcome the opportunity to have someone to chat to on a flight; she probably thinks she is doing you a favour by providing you with some company on the flight.

For someone (like you) who values the opportunity to be alone for a while, it would be a massive imposition.

Nothing wrong with either of these positions, but sadly they are just not compatible.

I don't think YABU at all to decline the request for the reasons you have given, but given that the woman is probably coming at it from an entirely different perspective, she INBU either.

fluffyraggies · 21/09/2012 08:19

I think it's a horrible position for your friend to have put you in OP. The varied responses here prove that. There's no right or wrong - it's one of those situations where they'll be a 50/50 split roughly between those who wouldn't mind and those who would.

For me i think this

it's a huge responsibility to have to take care of an ageing stranger on a flight to the other side of the world.

sums up my feelings.

No one here knows how much support this lady will need. Suppose she is very unsteady/nervous/vague/grumpy/uncooperative/talks endlessly? It's no good saying 'oh she's probably lovely'. OP has no idea. If the OP gets into asking about the in's and out's of it with her friend she's going to feel even worse saying no at the end! I would.

If you don't want to do it you're not BU. I wouldn't say anything about your own habits to get out of it ie: sleeping tablets etc, instead i would concentrate on helping your friend get the most out of the airline to care for her mother.

Good luck.

AmberLeaf · 21/09/2012 08:22

YANBU

If I got the chance to go on a once in a lifetime trip like this and someone made the same request i'd feel really deflated tbh.

Id feel guilty for not wanting to do it but wouldnt want to do it either as it would end up feeling like a busmans holiday.

Just say no.

exoticfruits · 21/09/2012 08:23

The step is to find out more about her and her level of need. You may find that she is capable and sprightly and irritated by her family!

WandaDoff · 21/09/2012 08:25

I'd do it.

I'd be too worried that karma would come & bite me on the arse if I didn't.

FizzyLaces · 21/09/2012 08:27

Surely helping an older person see family they will likely never see again otherwise should fill you with good, positive thoughts. You are being very selfish.

A request like this would make my holiday even better cos I am a weirdo Grin

corlan · 21/09/2012 08:29

If I can help somebody, as I pass along,
If I can cheer somebody, with a word or song,
If I can show somebody, how they're travelling wrong,
Then my living shall not be in vain.

Chorus:
My living shall not be in vain,
Then my living shall not be in vain
If I can help somebody, as I pass along,
Then my living shall not be in vain.

If I can do my duty, as a good man ought,
If I can bring back beauty, to a world up wrought,
If I can spread love's message, as the Master taught,
Then my living shall not be in vain.

ENormaSnob · 21/09/2012 08:32

I really think your friend is out of order for asking tbh.

exoticfruits · 21/09/2012 08:33

It all sounds very altruistic- it isn't something that I would want to do. I am flying somewhere myself next year and looking forward to it just being me with no one to consider. I would help someone, if asked, but I can quite see why OP is upset- it would spoil it. Find out more before you commit yourself.

piprabbit · 21/09/2012 08:33

Arrange to meet at the airport, get there a little early and go through check-in on your own (or just book your seat before you get there). There is a risk that you'll end up next to the parents with toddlers Wink.
Then go through security and board the plane together, before going to your separate seats.

exoticfruits · 21/09/2012 08:36

We pre booked our seats long haul.

Bramblesinafield · 21/09/2012 08:37

Maybe your friend is asking because she knows its not unreasonable or onerous. You need to find out more re levels of care. Most of us will be old one day and I hope will be able to travel to see the ones we love.

Floggingmolly · 21/09/2012 08:38

So many of you are hung up on the taking care of aspect.

If she was so infirm that she really did need "taking care of" I doubt she'd be travelling to Australia in the first place, and her daughter would hardly place that burden on a relative stranger.

I would have just assumed she just wanted a friendly face rather than feel completely alone?

exoticfruits · 21/09/2012 08:41

That is what I thought Floggingmolly- she must be OK to do the flight. I think it is just her family wanting peace of mind that a friendly face is there. I can see that you need to be travellng companions as such.

exoticfruits · 21/09/2012 08:42

Sorry - can't see.

inmylife · 21/09/2012 08:42

As others have said, I think you need to find out how much help this lady will need before making a decision. Also, how physically strong are you, because at a minimum, you will be lifting her hand luggage in and out of the overhead compartment and lifting her checked stuff off the baggage carousel. On the other hand, if this lady has trouble walking, you might catch a ride to the gate on one of those electric buggies!

AnyoneforTurps · 21/09/2012 08:43

I'm guessing not many of the YABU camp have ever flown to Australia. The OP is being asked to spend an entire day of her holiday - a day that she was looking forward to spending alone- caring for a complete stranger. I accept that this might not be a big deal for an extrovert, but the OP is clearly an introvert.

I'm not going to take anyone saying YABU or trying to make the OP feel guilty with twee poems seriously unless they have themselves given up an entire day of a longed-for holiday, doing something they dislike as a favour for a complete stranger.

GreyElephant · 21/09/2012 08:43

I travelled on a train with my two young DCs recently. The spare 4th seat in our little seating set-up was taken by a young woman who had twins and was going on a weekend trip by herself to get a break away from them. I told her to get the heck away from us and find another seat or beg someone to swap with her. She did, with a smile on her face.

I totally see your plight. You deserve me time, for once be selfish and tell your friend you intend to indulge heavily in the minibar for the full duration of the flight. You can only be relied on to help her board and disembark the aircraft, the airhostesses can look after the old lady for the flight. Anybody over a certain age is automatically escorted through the airports anyway.

Littlemissimpatient · 21/09/2012 08:43

I think there a lot of people that could be a lot worse to sit next to on a plane.

ll31 · 21/09/2012 08:43

Flight on own is luxury imo-I would hate this tbh. .... what if something happens her etc. .. would say no. .. would not be impressed with some one asking you this either. .