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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to babysit this elderly lady?

391 replies

hoopyloopy2 · 20/09/2012 22:30

I have just booked a once in a lifetime trip to see an old friend in Australia. Having heard about it, someone I know (not a close friend) has asked me if I would mind her booking her elderly mother (80s) on same flight so i can keep an eye on her on the trip (the mum has been thinking of visiting family there but apparently reluctant to travel alone). I really don't want to - this trip is a big treat for me, costing me a lot of money, and with two DCs at home, the flight was going to be some long-awaited me-time. AIBU if I say I can't help? And if not, what on earth do I say without looking like an uncharitable old cow?!

OP posts:
lisianthus · 22/09/2012 07:32

If she is worried about the airports, procedures, the passports and baggage and so on, the absolutely best option for this lady would be the Assisted Travel scheme. If the OP helped, they'd both have to struggle through, with the OP helping the lady with her baggage, walking long distances at the airport with her, helping her through customs and immigration and so on. If the OP DOESN'T help and the family uses the ATS, here's what happens:

The old lady will be met at check-in, whisked into a wheelchair if mobility is an issue,her hand luggage sorted, fast-tracked through immigration, taken to a lounge with other people who are being helped, then whisked to the gate by golf cart at the right time to get her plane. The attendants will give her special attention on the flight. At the stopover, her connecting plane will be alerted and she will again be whisked there by golf cart. They will make sure she doesn't miss her flight. At the other end, back into the golf cart or wheel chair, then fasttracked through customs and immigration, her luggage collected, then lady and luggage will be delivered straight into the arms of her family. She won't have to carry anything, she won't have to walk, she'll be with an experienced helper all the way. And it's free. My father did this from Australia to the UK and back a few months ago.

The OP couldn't possibly provide this level of help even if she wanted to, so there is no need for the OP to have her flight made harder or to be guilt-tripped.

I love suocera's work on this thread.

exoticfruits · 22/09/2012 07:45

Sensibly said lisianthus - and no harm if she gets the same flight- just a friendly face and they do not need to sit together. People are making far too much of it. Book your seat now - find one without a space next to it. (We went by Singapore airlines and you got a plan with the booked seats marked.) Say the by all means she can get the same flight but that they should book assisted travel. You could perhaps share transport to the airport - wave her off as she is helped and have the odd word on the journey, if you see her.
Quite probably she is a capable woman who happens to be getting on in years and may well be irritated by an over protective family.

PseudoBadger · 22/09/2012 07:49

I'm just remembering my flight to Australia alone aged 18. The lady next to me (my teenaged memory puts her at about 60) spent the whole flight in cycles of downing alcohol, passing out, waking up and drinking more. She asked for my assistance with walking at both refuelling and journey's end. Grrr.

steben · 22/09/2012 08:30

I sincerely hope I am never sat next to Toombes on a long haul flight!!!

exoticfruits · 22/09/2012 08:35

Of course you have to allow for the fact that this elderly lady might be a much better option than the random person OP happens to get!

Proudnscary · 22/09/2012 09:09

Sorry if someone else has said this, but don't airlines offer a service for looking after seniors in a similar way to looking after unaccompanied minors?

Proudnscary · 22/09/2012 09:10

There are also specialist companies, I think one is called Flying Companions, whereby the woman in question could have a travel companion.

Original poster
hoopyloopy2 · 22/09/2012 09:21

Goodness, huge amount of response to my dilemma - most of which is well-considered & genuinely has helped me decide how to handle this Smile, thanks. Quite shocked by some of the rudeness from a few though, especially as they are supposedly the ones who would drop everything to help someone else...

Anyway, I have decided to be strong & true to myself - and say no. Looking back at email from acquaintance (not friend), her request said "travelling together" with the mother - which does imply more responsibility than just saying a reassuring hello at the airport. Tellingly the acquaintance didn't call with request as we don't even have each other's phone numbers - so this shows you what level of relationship we have (ie she is far from a close friend).

Will pop back in & let you know if I get a response.

OP posts:
Inertia · 22/09/2012 09:29

If you are emailing back, it'd be worth your while including a link to the relevant airline's assisted traveller scheme, with a line saying " This is just what you're looking for - your mum will be treated like a VIP ! " or similar.

That way you are offering a better solution, and the friend will have no basis whatsoever for thinking that you're being unhelpful.

Proudnscary · 22/09/2012 09:39

Yes Inertia great idea - and OP, once again and given the level of 'friendship' you have - this acquaintance has got a bloody cheek for asking!!

Keep the email very simple and short - don't over explain or apologise.

Original poster
hoopyloopy2 · 22/09/2012 10:21

Thank you Proudnscary and inertia, good advice. It will probably take me as long to draft the email as it has to read this thread.

OP posts:
charlottehere · 22/09/2012 10:24

YANBU. I would explain as you have here why you don't want to do it.

exoticfruits · 22/09/2012 11:03

I would draft it by saying that they will get peace of mind and a much better service if the contact the airline and ask about assisted travel.

butterfingerz · 22/09/2012 11:48

It's a lot of responsibility to take on, especially if she (god forbid) fell ill or anything. Leave it to the professionals, they are experienced in this type of thing.

LillianGish · 22/09/2012 13:47

Certainly didn't intend to be rude, I just feel if you don't want to do something you should say so. I probably would do it, I'd rather look after someone's old mum than someone else's child. Wasn't intended as a criticism of anyone who wouldn't do it just an observation that we should all recognise our limitations and not be afraid to say no. I wouldn't have a problem saying no to someone - especially someone I don't really know, but then I'm probably too forthright as my earlier post seems to have demonstrated.

pictish · 22/09/2012 14:54

Lillian you came across as very rude. And pious. And sanctimonious. And superior. And self satisfied. And most of all unrealistic. All in a few short sentences.
How dare you say what you did! You know nothing about the OP. She has every right to say no to this ridiculous request!!

I spent years working with the elderly...a job I enjoyed.

Would I want to spend 24 hours in a confined space in the company of a stranger I am somewhow responsible for...elderly or not?

Would

I

Fuck!

pictish · 22/09/2012 14:56

Not unless I was getting paid loads that is!

airforceone · 22/09/2012 15:06

She'll be down as needing special assistance. So you won't need to walk to and from any gates, you'll be rushed through security, you will get onto the plane first and everyone will be lovely to you. You'll probably be glad you did it one day.

TheDogDidIt · 22/09/2012 15:12

Having read a few of the guilt-trip posts, I'm now inclined to take back everything I said about considering it, within limitations. I'd just point them at the Assisted Travel service - which, in my family's experience, is excellent, and enjoy those G&Ts. The amount that the OP has been encouraged to own other people's problems has left me completely gobsmacked. And I have an old mother of my own, so - like many others here- can't be patronised or guilt-tripped about snowy-haired angels and Last Ever Chances. Assisted Travel is the way to go.

pictish · 22/09/2012 15:19

Don't forget now ladies, "nice girls" don't say "no" or "what about me?".

Yes indeed. We women earn our worth by our selflessness. Ironic really, that we should be measured by proving how little we think of ourselves. Confused

GreenEggsAndNichts · 22/09/2012 16:12

but I'm the sort of person who helps old ladies anyway. I think if you're not the type then she's probably better off without you

Sorry, too many pages to hunt the source of this gem down, but wow. Holy judgy pants. Of course, if I don't want to start and end my holiday being the caretaker of a woman I don't know for at least 20 hours (because let's face it, this will include the trip to the airport and any stops in-between), whose needs I have no idea about, then I must be the sort who hates little old ladies and would never dream of helping them.

I'd do something similar on a shorter trip, or even if I were taking my family to Australia. Because I'd already be in alert mode, having to watch my son, so having someone else along who might need me would actually not be a problem. However, alone time is hard to come by, and I would leap at the chance to have some.

OP should not have to justify wanting to have some time to herself, on her holiday.

SuoceraBlues · 22/09/2012 16:26

but I'm the sort of person who helps old ladies anyway. I think if you're not the type then she's probably better off without you

That's a stonker.

Since I'm in the "fuck that for a game of soldiers" camp, and the writer is "the right sort" compared to my "wrong type", perhaps she'd like to come and move MIL out of my house and into hers?

Free EasyJet oneway flight included.

Assisted travel mode of course.

I'd like to know how many of the Karma Pixie wagglers, Twee poem writers and Halo Polishers actually take care of the elderly, consistently, for any significant amount of time, to the extent that it impacts their choices and personal pleasures.......anywhere other than in their immaginations.

expatinscotland · 22/09/2012 17:42

Why on Earth do you need to provide this person with a link for the airline's assisted travel scheme? She can just come back with another argument for why you should do this.

This is not your problem, so don't make it.

'Unfortunately, I'm not available to travel with anyone on this journey. Best of luck.'

theoriginalandbestrookie · 22/09/2012 17:43

OP if you haven't composed the email yet, how about a white lie.

You could say you are a nervous traveller and it's very important to you to have the time on your own before the flight to prepare yourself, and whilst on the flight it's better for you to not have any distractions otherwise this makes you more anxious so you wouldn't be able to sit together.

Then point them in the direction of assisted travelling.

expatinscotland · 22/09/2012 17:46

How about the truth and not making this your problem anymore? Job done. This person had a helluva cheek to ask you to take this on. You need to make it very clear that you're not going to do this and she needs to sort out her own travel arrangements for her family.

No need to lie, apologise, point her towards assisted travel, or do anything but tell her no.