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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to babysit this elderly lady?

391 replies

hoopyloopy2 · 20/09/2012 22:30

I have just booked a once in a lifetime trip to see an old friend in Australia. Having heard about it, someone I know (not a close friend) has asked me if I would mind her booking her elderly mother (80s) on same flight so i can keep an eye on her on the trip (the mum has been thinking of visiting family there but apparently reluctant to travel alone). I really don't want to - this trip is a big treat for me, costing me a lot of money, and with two DCs at home, the flight was going to be some long-awaited me-time. AIBU if I say I can't help? And if not, what on earth do I say without looking like an uncharitable old cow?!

OP posts:
AmazingBouncingFerret · 21/09/2012 09:20

I'd do it, cos I is dead nice and a mug like that.

But you're not being unreasonable for not wanting to do it.

As the always wise Grange Hiller's once said Just say noooooo.

expatinscotland · 21/09/2012 09:22

YANBU!

Just say, 'No, that doesn't work for me,' and stop talking, as Tee suggested.

Completely agree with GetOrf about all this karma bullshit.

Have endured many long-haul flights myself and they're draining on your own.

If travelling on my own I also take sleeping pills.

This person has a cheek to ask this of you, tbh.

Viviennemary · 21/09/2012 09:24

What if she dies before she sees her family!!!!! Then it's the OP's fault. Good grief. Can't believe somebody wrote that.

expatinscotland · 21/09/2012 09:26

Somebody also posted a twee poem about spreading the master's love.

Can't say I was feeling the love when the wall of humidity in Singapore hit me after a fecking 14-hours in flight and no sleep for nearly 24 hours.

Trills · 21/09/2012 09:29

everyone gets on their high horse and says how unfriendly we are to children

I wouldn't want to do this for another human being of any age - is that fair enough for you?

In fact if it was someone in their 30s or 40s I'd want to do it even less, because they'd be more likely to be a "nervous flyer" who wanted to talk to me and hold my hand, rather than just someone who hadn't done it before or who might have trouble reading the boards.

NervousAt20 · 21/09/2012 09:30

I wouldn't do it either, it's such a long way and I would like/want to have to be responsible for someone else

Pyjamadonkey · 21/09/2012 09:32

Can't see how she will prevent you from watching loads of movies and eating plastic aeroplane food unless she was sitting on you lap knitting with your earphone cords.

Maybe her daughter can arrange for her to use the assisted traveller service and you can be a few seats away should she need a bit more hand holding?

TeeBee · 21/09/2012 09:33

Personally I would do it but you clearly don't want to so totally right for you. Can you just say you are on a stand-by flight as you have a friend who works for the airline and could easily be bumped and wouldn't like to risk it.

expatinscotland · 21/09/2012 09:35

Why lie?

'No, that doesn't work for me.'

And no, 'Sorry', you don't have anything to apologise for. This not-so-close friend has a helluva cheek, too.

AlmostAGoldHipster · 21/09/2012 09:36

I wouldn't be happy at all at having been put in this awkward position. What on earth was your acquaintance thinking?? So rude!

I would feel so guilty if I didn't but would fume/fret for the next 20 years if I did.

I wonder what the friend's mum thinks of all this? My late grandma flew long haul flights on her own up until she was 88 - the airline staff took care of her, like they would any passenger with additional needs.

Noqontrol · 21/09/2012 09:36

I've done the long haul flight to Australia and NZ several times, and I still wouldn't have a problem keeping an eye out for someone. Although if the option of assisted travel is there, then that would be a better combination, as you could check she's ok every so often, but the staff take the majority of the responsibility.

expatinscotland · 21/09/2012 09:39

If you don't want to do it, please don't feel guilty for saying no!

Lambethlil · 21/09/2012 09:44

OP are you able to say, I'm going to sleep now/ watch a movie/ pretend not to hear if she's demanding?
I'd do this without hesitation, having done the flight many times, but only because I know I'd be able to control the level of chat/ intimacy to what I wanted.

OpheliasWeepingWillow · 21/09/2012 09:45

I'd let Karma take his chances while I sipped a gin and tonic in peace TBH. Airlines have people TRAINED to help the elderly through airports all the way through to the other end. Wheelchairs, golf carts etc etc.

The OP (no offense) could be a complete mentalist with tendencies to poke people with hairpins. I think the daughter of the 80 yr old is nuts with a capital N.

expatinscotland · 21/09/2012 09:51

I can't believe people actually think woo like 'karma' will honestly affect their lives.

TheDogDidIt · 21/09/2012 09:53

Yes - my Mum was particularly pleased with the lovely young man who escorted her in a wheelchair for the parts where she'd have had to walk for ages. Grin

pictish · 21/09/2012 09:53

I wouldn't do it. I'd say no.

OneHandFlapping · 21/09/2012 09:57

I think it's a massive imposition on the part of your "friend". It's not the "babysitting", it's the enforced travelling companion.

Being in a tin can with 200 other people on an aircraft is stressful enough, without having to spend 24 hours in the close company of someone you don't know - and who you may not like.

If your "friend" is worried about her mother, she should go with her! What a bloody cheek!

SuoceraBlues · 21/09/2012 10:11

But the majority of you are clearly more noble than me!

I'm not. It is a huge thing to ask. To take on the responsibility for a total stranger who may or may not have need for additional levels of extra help depending on how frail she is, or what kinds of geriatric hiccups she has to manage.

I take care of my MIL, she lives with us, there is no way in hell I would have foistered her on somebody else during a stressful event (like a flight) even when she was far far far more independent, even if she had been at a pretty healthy "balanced" point on the mood spectrum.

I know what to do if an older person loses her pills, needs the loo at short notice, says her legs can't take much more standing/walking, has an accident, feels unwell, is getting all stressed put and a bit frantic. Which is vital because above all else what somebody feeling a little lost/overwhelmed/out of their depth needs is to feel secure that another person knows what they are doing. I don't think it is reasonable to ask you provide that essential component, because it takes familiarity and practice to get to the point where you can genuinely provide it.

Additionally I see nothing wrong in you wanting to squeeze every single bit of "me time" put of this trip as possible. Women in particular suffer great social pressure to take on a caring/self sacrificing role in many respects of their lives, to an extent that generally men don't. It is fucking unfair that the one time you get something for you people are putting pressure on you to give up a short window of pure indulgence for the sake of putting somebody else ahead of your pleasure, when the chances are much of your life is already run on that basis.

Nobody would bat an eye if a bloke was not keen on a request of this nature, don't let your lack of be-willyed status help push you into something you don't feel equipped or comfortable about doing. Having a vagina does not mean you are a horrible person if you want a rare bit of "me, it's all about me for a change!" (that lasts from start to finish as planned and looked forward to), rather than taking on a caring role for the sake of several others peace of mind. I'd hazard a guess that you do enough setting aside of you wants for the sake of other people's needs on a daily basis as it is.

Apart from anything else, it is NOT necessary to impose on somebody else by asking for a pretty massive favour. Let her relatives know that some airlines let elderly passengers travel under the unaccompanied minor scheme, or if they are feeling flush, there is this.

www.flyingcompanions.com/default.aspx

AnyoneforTurps · 21/09/2012 10:17

What Suocera says, with knobs vaginas on.

blisterpack · 21/09/2012 10:18

YANBU. It's a huge ask.

MrDobalina · 21/09/2012 10:20

maybe not karma then expat, but sods-law definitely Grin

blisterpack · 21/09/2012 10:21

Suocera I don't think a man travelling alone would be even asked to do this kind of favour. Agree with everything you say.

fedupofnamechanging · 21/09/2012 10:22

Given that you really don't want to do this, I think that lying is your best option. There is no need to hurt someone's feeling by saying an outright, blunt no. Life is nicer if we observe social niceties and be a bit diplomatic.

I really like the excuse given up thread about having a friend who works for the airline and so you might not be on the same flight and don't want to risk it.

If the woman who asked is a colleague, it doesn't hurt to try and remain on harmonious terms. I don't think she was being cheeky to ask - she probably just hasn't thought it through. I would definitely point her in the direction of the assisted travel services though.

AnyoneforTurps · 21/09/2012 10:25

The OP might end up sitting next to people who are much more annoying than this lady (who may be delightful). But she can blank a stranger/pretend to be asleep/gibber so that they think she's mad and ignore her. She can't do that with her friend's mother, however irritating she is.

Personally I'd far rather take my chances with random seat allocation than be saddled with a travelling companion whom I do not know, yet cannot ditch.

Travelling with my DH is bad enough, without taking on random grannies Grin