Is my husband a massive idiot or do I owe him an apology?

[obvioussockpuppet]

DS (5) has a real intolerance to anything mint flavoured. He says it burns his mouth/gives him a poorly throat so I tend to buy him strawberry flavoured toothpaste or similar. I did an online shop a few weeks back and they sent me mint toothpaste as a substitute for strawberry. Rather than chuck the mint stuff out, I put it in our bathroom cabinet with the intention of giving it to my mate for her DCs. It is still in there.

A few night back, DH accidentally brushed DS's teeth with the mint stuff and DS really sobbed. He just hates mint, really really hates it. So last night, DH tells DS he is having his teeth cleaned with the mint toothpaste Ds obviously protests but DH then proceeds to make him have his teeth cleaned with it. DS cries loudly so I go upstairs to see why he is making him use the fucking toothpaste.

I snatched the toothbrush off DH and washed the mint stuff off, then gave him the strawberry stuff to clean his teeth. DH then starts saying that DS is crying to "play us off against each other" he is "crying for attention" "he cries for nothing" I said that actually I think it is borderlining on abuse to force a child to consume something that provokes such a violent reaction in them. DH is a vegetarian, would he like it if I stuffed a wodge of wafer thin ham in his trap?

We didn't speak for the rest of the night and he has just text me saying that what I said was serious (about borderline abuse) but I think I am right. I also said he is power-pissed where DS is concerned. I hate hearing my little boy sobbing over something as lame as toothpaste and I WILL stand up for him! Fancy making him use that toothpaste is he hates it that much.

It sounds petty written down.

I am a regular under a NC by the way because I am planning on showing DH this thread.

I wouldn't give my DC toast before bed if they didn't eat their dinner. I am not sure if that is what your DH is getting at? That does sound a bit soft and PFB, if I am honest.

If your DH assumes that your DS wants crisps or whatever before bed, why does he think that? If the snack is usually toast, why does the DH not know this? Is he very removed from day to day parenting? At work all the time? I wondered if he is heavy handed at bedtime as this is the only influence he has to parent your DS in the way he wants? If he thinks you are very soft on him, then he might over-react to redress the balance?

Yanbu. Your dh was being a total cock. As long as your ds is brushing his teeth then it doesn't matter what toothpaste he uses. He doesn't like mint, so no mint. Your dh is running the risk of putting your ds off brushing his teeth in general.

And had it been me, I would have stood up for ds too.

Re. your second question: YANBU. Assuming that your DS has eaten all his dinner, he may well be hungry again and offering him something like cheese and crackers is fine. Your DH isn't giving your DS a chance, just making assumptions, which is very poor behaviour on your DH's part. You need to have a word with your DH about this and tell him that if your DS asks, offer the healthy snack first - if DS says no, and asks for sweets/crisps/junk, then it's a different matter; but if he takes the healthy snack then he's obviously hungry!

Was your DH brought up in a very strict and restrictive manner himself? If so, ask him if he can remember how he felt about it as a child and get him to try and put himself in your DS's shoes. Might help.

I think your DH was BU, and I'm usually the strict one!

DS does not like mint either and uses strawberry. It's not a battle I'm willing to fight. If it were that he wouldn't brush his teeth at all, that would be another thing.

I also give DS a small snack if he's hungry before bed...I don't make it elaborate and I don't really offer a choice, I just say something like "you can have four crackers and some milk" and if he's truly hungry he will eat it.

Is your DH worried about your DS walking all over him? I've seen that sometimes...there are so many spoiled kids these days, and I know parents who go completely overboard trying to be the "real parent who is in charge". I'm not saying that excuses his behavior, mind. :)

What an absolute wanker and a bully . My DS also can't stand anything minty, it hurts his mouth. I think some children's taste buds are more sensitive than others. Your DH needs to understand this. And as for the macaroon affair - your poor DS.

Sorry, but I don't like the sound of your DH at all.

so he doesnt agree with giving children some supper either?

does he eat after his evening meal ever?

he sounds such a control freak! no, YANBU.

Op to me it's clear he does not agree with these ways that you do things. Rather than say something he trying to prove he's right by doing it differently and he really expects your ds to just go with it.

You do not owe your husband an apology.

He is not a massive idiot, he is a bully.

It really screams out to me that he doesn't like your son.

airforceone - you sound scarily like a stepford wife :(

Adult toothpaste is mint flavoured, therefore I always have used kids mint flavoured ones as they are milder. You spit the paste out after brushing. Sorry, |I'm with your husband on this one - it won't hurt him & cleaning teeth is a necessity. And FWIW, my ds after moaning he hated the taste of one toothpaste first couple of times he had it now wants that one!!

it won't hurt him & cleaning teeth is a necessity

No-one said it would - and there was a perfectly good strawberry toothpaste available. Teeth were going to be brushed. Why did the DH insist on using the Mint, when it hurts his son? Does he enjoy hurting his son?

my ds after moaning he hated the taste of one toothpaste first couple of times he had it now wants that one

I think that is wrong, and pretty horrible. He didn't like it the first time, why did you make him use it a second time? How controlling of you "Well I use it, I think its fine therefore you MUST use it because I said so". No thanks, I like my child to have a voice, to be able to express a preference and to feel she is heard, not dictated to.

Nine pages, and not a soul has yet said "Leave the bastard"?

(Just in case anyone gets excited, just to point out, I'm not saying it either, just saying nobody said it.)

Even if your DS just didn't particularly like the taste, and was exaggerating the burning sensation, why wouldn't a child be allowed to dislike something? I don't like mushrooms, and would kick DP square in the crotch if he ever attempted to force feed me them.

I think your DH WBVU to force a child to brush his teeth with mint toothpaste when ghe strawberry one was right there It does come across as bullying tbh, and in your situation I'd have said the same thing. You'd have thought someone that chooses not to eat an entire food group would get that.

"95% of the time DH is a lovely dad but sometimes he just digs his heels in and makes a mountain out of a mole hill. I think it's a bit bullying; he thinks he's not letting DCs 'get away with things'.

But I have learned not to react at the moment it's happening. DH responds better when I call him on it later. I ask him to see it from DCs point of view. I think he thinks our household is going to go to pieces if he doesn't put his foot down sometimes. Truth is the kids are fine, do what they're asked most of the time, and don't need such an inflexible approach.

I know that deep down we share the same values about parenting and want the same things for our DCs but sometimes go at it slightly different ways. I bite my tongue on small things (like I feel he should) and save the sharp side of my tongue for him when I think he's gone too far. It means he listens when I do"

I could have written this post, Storm.

To the poster who asks if DH ever eats after dinner : YES! He is constantly stuffing his cakehole with all manner of crap. I point out this gaping hole in his standards and he just says "Yes, it's not a GOOD THING to eat snacks all the time" Errrr, well don't do it, if even YOU think you're setting a shit example!

Sometimes DS may not have 'eaten all of his dinner' i.e left about three forkfuls, but tbh I rarely have a problem getting himto eat the most of it. It's normal not to always clear the plate, isn't it?

wow! What an absolute prick! He would have to be an amazing Father the rest of the time to prevent me leaving his domineering bullying ass.

You know, I know someone whose father was like this to her. And her mother let it happen. She is in her 40s now and hasn't spoken to either of them since she left home at 18.

What on earth is the point of forcing a child who really hates (not just 'doesn't like') mint toothpaste to put it in his mouth WHEN THERE IS A PERFECTLY GOOD ALTERNATIVE RIGHT BESIDE IT???

Seriously?

yes, there are times when a child simply has to do something they hate because there's no choice. Walk down a dark tunnel because it's the only way to a train, have a needle stuck in their arm because they need immunising.

If your DP can't tell the difference between that and forcing a child to do something he hates for no good reason at all, he's just a nasty bastard with a vicious streak.

By the way - getting a child scared and very anxious about brushing their teeth FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN THE EXCERCISE OF POWER is a monumentally stupid thing to do. Jeesus.

"he is just as entitled to make these decisions as you are"

of course both parents are equally entitled to make decisions but that doesn't mean all decisions are going to be equally good for the children

as dc's parent, I am entitled to decide that ds will have swiss roll for main course every day- but it won't be very good for him

dh's current plan of feeding him a mixed diet of meat, greens and starches is demonstrably a better plan, so it deserves more consideration

a parenting style which turns every session of looking after his teeth into a scary battle is unlikely to be good for his health in the long run, because it is unlikely to turn him into the kind of teenager who is happy to look after his own teeth- and sooner or later that has to happen

and a parenting style that is based on assertion of ego rather than on calm authority may well turn him into the kind of teen who secretly despises his father as a bully and doesn't believe he has anything to learn from him

the problem is that you are not going to get this across to your dh because a calm authoritative parenting style demands willingness to listen and a certain amount of confidence in your own ability- and he doesn't seem terribly good on either score

and you won't make him confident enough to change just by stopping challenging his decisions: he'll just think he was right all along

difficult one

but you do need to talk

My impression from the OP was that we were being asked if it was being unreasonable to use the term 'abuse', I think that was being unreasonable.

As to the rest of it, DH sounds like a bullying arse

Sometimes DS may not have 'eaten all of his dinner' i.e left about three forkfuls, but tbh I rarely have a problem getting him to eat the most of it. It's normal not to always clear the plate, isn't it

Yep, I'd say that was normal. DD doesn't always finish her dinner, and sometimes is hungry later. I think it's because a large meal sits heavy on the stomach, making a person feel fuller quicker - she is also a slow eater (as am I). The slower you eat the fuller you feel at the time.

I think it also depends on the food eaten - rice dishes for eg fill you quickly, but can leave you feeling hungry later, meat and two veg meals are less likely to do so.

When DD is hungry later I offer her fruit rather than crackers - but thats just because she'd eat her own bodyweight in crackers if I'd let her . Whereas a banana actually fills that hole, comfortably.

maybe your ds is overly sensitive to the taste of mint. some children can have sensory issues, and one is related to taste. Has nothing to do with intolerance or allergy. Entirely possible that he has a problem with strong tastes and that they do then "burn" his mouth and throat. Liking peppermint is not a central issue and is not something that he "needs to learn" in life. Poor little ds.

Can't imagine why he would upset your ds like that or waste his own time when there is a perfectly good alternative. Not sure if its abuse but certainly cruel (as it just wasn't necessary) and bullying.

Your husband was being an arse. As has been said, pick your battles and the cleaning power of the toothpaste doesn't stem from its flavour!

I do make my DCs try food they say they don't like (all vegetables etc) because we have got into real ruts where they refuse anything but cheese sandwiches and trying to have a meal together is a nightmare. I watched a programme about fussy eaters that said new tastes need to be tried 15 times on average before the eater becomes "acclimatised". The DCs would prefer to have all vegetables removed from the Earth but we're taking this one bite at a time!

However, given that making most toothpaste minty appears to be a convention followed by most manufacturers and Moran essential component, a battle over this is just wrong. I agree with the posters who have highlighted the problem of creating a barrier to establishing a good dental hygiene routine. I'd do everything I could to ease this process, not make it worse.

Moran, wtf??