Is my husband a massive idiot or do I owe him an apology?

[obvioussockpuppet]

DS (5) has a real intolerance to anything mint flavoured. He says it burns his mouth/gives him a poorly throat so I tend to buy him strawberry flavoured toothpaste or similar. I did an online shop a few weeks back and they sent me mint toothpaste as a substitute for strawberry. Rather than chuck the mint stuff out, I put it in our bathroom cabinet with the intention of giving it to my mate for her DCs. It is still in there.

A few night back, DH accidentally brushed DS's teeth with the mint stuff and DS really sobbed. He just hates mint, really really hates it. So last night, DH tells DS he is having his teeth cleaned with the mint toothpaste Ds obviously protests but DH then proceeds to make him have his teeth cleaned with it. DS cries loudly so I go upstairs to see why he is making him use the fucking toothpaste.

I snatched the toothbrush off DH and washed the mint stuff off, then gave him the strawberry stuff to clean his teeth. DH then starts saying that DS is crying to "play us off against each other" he is "crying for attention" "he cries for nothing" I said that actually I think it is borderlining on abuse to force a child to consume something that provokes such a violent reaction in them. DH is a vegetarian, would he like it if I stuffed a wodge of wafer thin ham in his trap?

We didn't speak for the rest of the night and he has just text me saying that what I said was serious (about borderline abuse) but I think I am right. I also said he is power-pissed where DS is concerned. I hate hearing my little boy sobbing over something as lame as toothpaste and I WILL stand up for him! Fancy making him use that toothpaste is he hates it that much.

It sounds petty written down.

I am a regular under a NC by the way because I am planning on showing DH this thread.

I have used a herbal toothpaste in the past. I would use that if I hated mint.

Yes, abusive was definitely the wrong word, bullying is more like it. I will apologise to him for that.

Choose something that your DH doesn't like and tell him that he has to do it. Why is it OK to make a child do something they don't like (safety reasons apart) but not an adult.

I ask DS to try new things (he's 6) or things he previously hasn't liked occasionally because I explain to him that our tastes change as we grow up and he won't know what he likes if he doesn't keep trying.

He hated mint toothpaste for the longest time but will now quite happily use adult blue minty gel toothpaste.

I am adding my ds to the list of kids who hate mint. We actively go out of our way to make sure we find toothpaste my ds likes, as the last thing I want to do is create a negative reaction to teeth cleaning - it seems like such a ridiculous behavior by your dh.

I think your DH was bullying your ds and has no respect for him.

Either he should treat him like a child - in which case, I would suggest that his behavior does border on abuse. Or he expects him to behave in a more grown up manner (ridiculous for a 5 year old) and he should treat him with respect and allow him to make choices about his likes or dislikes.

Your dh needs to think about what he wants his long term relationship with his son to be like! I do not advocate "being friends" - a parent should parent the child, of course. But they need to show them respect as well.

obvious, in my book the only thing to say to your DH is:
1- your ds deserves as much respect as anyone else, regardless on his age. And when he acts like this (ie the toothpaste issue) he is NOT respectful.
2- how would he feel if someone was speaking to him like he is to his son (the macaroon incident).? What would he think of them? I am guessing he wouldn't be impressed actually as it is far removed from 'perfect' parenting techniques if ever there was one

And actually I don't see an issue with the word abuse. Bullying IS abuse.

Nice one Blueraincoat I will look at getting some.

It does appear that there's a conflict with dentist advice, I was positively bollocked for using children's toothpaste on my children!!

Thinking about the whole Obvioussocketpuppet arguement, whilst I still think you're both U for having it out in front of your child AT teethbrushing time, I suppose the bottom line is whether its better to have a child who happily brushes their teeth with strawberry paste (even if its not recommended - but the jury's out it seems) or to have a child for whom every toothbrush is a battle and who will be put off for life?

I accept in ^that case, its probably better in the long term to stick with strawberry.

Though I don't feel evil for making my kids use mint...

Abuse IS an emotive word and probably a cheap shot by me to try and get my point across.

I ask DS to try new things (he's 6) or things he previously hasn't liked occasionally because I explain to him that our tastes change as we grow up and he won't know what he likes if he doesn't keep trying

YY to that Kewcumber - which is how I know DD likes the taste of mushrooms, but not the mushrooms themselves. That's the decent thing to do, forcing someone is not.

I haven't read all the replies but I too have this aversion to mint.

I love the taste of mint now as I was the same as your DS OP when I was younger but it has got less sensitive as I have got older. I can now even eat a polo without being in pain - something my family used to find funny

I had bubblegum toothpaste til the age of 15 when my mum found a 'not so minty' adult toothpaste.

It is a genuine pain that your DS feels - trust me I know. It hurts. Does your DH know this?

Hope your DS is OK.

I never have issues getting DS to clean his teeth, FWIW. He doesn't moan about it, he just does it as part of his routine.

On the point about adult toothpaste v children's toothpaste, the Hello Kitty toothpaste I buy for DS has the fluoride content of most adult toothpastes. That's a good thing, no? Or am I missing out other factors?

Thanks bubalou :)

I think that DH dismisses it as theatrics TBH. But I know my son. I know when he is piss-taking and I know genuine tears. I think he might have an aversion to strong flavours generally as he has cried if his food has had a bit of spice in sometimes.

OP - I feel sorry for your DS having his tiny and unimportant (in the grand scheme of things) wishes trampled so he is in tears every night. Sounds like you are authoritative (parent but involving) while your DH is authoritarian (lays down the law dictatorially). I would say your approach is healthier and more conducive to a happy and well balanced but not spoilt child. His style is bullying and more likely to lead to divisiveness.

OK you shouldn't have said 'abusive' for it is a very emotive word, but inflicting an unnecessary unpleasant something on a smaller person for the sole reason you know he won't like it and you think he should learn to, no other practical necessity at all.... that is abusive though obviously not in a 'call social services' sort of way.

So do apologise for that, but really it pales against how he is basically being mean just to impose his power, so it should in no way distract from the main point of your discussion when you talk about this.

FWIW I took my ds to the dentist 2 days ago and she suggested we steer clear of novel flavours of toothpaste, and why did she suggest this - only because most adult toothpastes come in mint so it makes any future transition easier if they are already used to it. No medical reason or anything. So since it is a passionate dislike, and actually you can get very mild or non-mint adult toothpastes it really really really does not matter if your ds does not like mint.

Additionally the 1450ppm fluoride content is the same as an adult toothpaste anyway so he could stick with that for the rest of his natural if he wanted.

YANBU

Well I can understand him because I have the same aversion for spicy food AND I do struggle with strongly minted toothpaste too. I choose mine carefully.

Even if it is theatrics sockpuppet, what does it matter? He doesn't like the taste - why should he be forced to use it? You had the alternative sitting there waiting to be used, it's not like you had to drive 50 miles to get him strawberry toothpaste that night.

My DD was/is the same and I used the strawberry paste. It wasn't a high enough fluoride content for her and so she's graduated to a mild mint now she's older but still has issues with how it feels in her mouth. We use a fruity kid's mouthwash, which seems to help.

Anyway, husband = eejit. HTH

The pain I used to feel and still do if I use the wrong toothpaste is horrible.

It's hard to describe. I suppose it's a sensitivity / pain.

I did enjoy the flavour of mint so mine wasn't a dislike as I had eaten peppermint creams and after 8's and enjoyed them.

But brushing my teeth with mint toothpaste used to make me cry and my mouth would water uncontrollably and feel sore.

I can only imagine it to feel like getting you to brush your teeth with chillies as well as something that you hate the taste of!

Maybe when you explain to DH he will understand.

Sue

Thank you for your thoughtful post, Jenner :)

For any that need a non minty adult toothpaste, there is a cinnamon adult toothpaste made by crest, I haven't seen it in the high street in this country but it is available online. I've used it abroad and it is really nice and not minty at all. It might be whitening though, I can't remember. Tom's of maine also do lots of different flavours and you can get it on amazon but it is very expensive in the UK. Shame UK manufacturers don't seem to do this because it was pretty common in Canada and the US for there to be different flavours!

Honestly I think you shouldn't of made a massive scene in front of your son, but your H was being an arse to use the mint one when you still had the strawberry one left.

Isn't Toms etc Fluoride Free? I had to use very high fluoride cos of enamel strength problems.

I'd like lemon, as a flavour.

I find mint 'burns'. I suffer mouth ulceration. As an adult, I can choose an alternative toothpaste. Am I being difficult?

Your DH's behaviour is not that of a loving, concerned, parent, keen to encourage good dental hygiene and set a good example. His behaviour is that of a bully, keen to dominate, dictate, and be top dog. And that isn't what being a decent dad is about.

It might be, I'm not sure TBH. I've never used it, I've just got a friend that does. If you search amazon for flavoured toothpaste then lemon ones do come up, I have no idea if it is high fluoride or not though. I tend to just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket .

I think he is mean making him use the tooth paste but maybe your words were a little harsh. so yanbu to say he should not use that tooth paste but you are to accuse him of child abuse

Is it possible that your son is a supertaster, OP? One of my university friends was and it made her life hell, especially as she was from a South Asian background and her family didn't believe her for years. She could only eat very plain food and avoided spices like they would poison her. Even the incredibly mild 'curries' they produced in halls were too strong for her. Oh, and she hated mint too, she used fruit flavoured toothpaste.

Even if he isn't, I think your H was being intentionally unkind to him. That is bullying, and when done to someone who you are supposed to protect and take care of, I would describe it as abusive. Not that your H is, just that his behaviour in this instance was, IYKWIM?

SuePurbly - The one I linked has lemon.