Is my husband a massive idiot or do I owe him an apology?

[obvioussockpuppet]

DS (5) has a real intolerance to anything mint flavoured. He says it burns his mouth/gives him a poorly throat so I tend to buy him strawberry flavoured toothpaste or similar. I did an online shop a few weeks back and they sent me mint toothpaste as a substitute for strawberry. Rather than chuck the mint stuff out, I put it in our bathroom cabinet with the intention of giving it to my mate for her DCs. It is still in there.

A few night back, DH accidentally brushed DS's teeth with the mint stuff and DS really sobbed. He just hates mint, really really hates it. So last night, DH tells DS he is having his teeth cleaned with the mint toothpaste Ds obviously protests but DH then proceeds to make him have his teeth cleaned with it. DS cries loudly so I go upstairs to see why he is making him use the fucking toothpaste.

I snatched the toothbrush off DH and washed the mint stuff off, then gave him the strawberry stuff to clean his teeth. DH then starts saying that DS is crying to "play us off against each other" he is "crying for attention" "he cries for nothing" I said that actually I think it is borderlining on abuse to force a child to consume something that provokes such a violent reaction in them. DH is a vegetarian, would he like it if I stuffed a wodge of wafer thin ham in his trap?

We didn't speak for the rest of the night and he has just text me saying that what I said was serious (about borderline abuse) but I think I am right. I also said he is power-pissed where DS is concerned. I hate hearing my little boy sobbing over something as lame as toothpaste and I WILL stand up for him! Fancy making him use that toothpaste is he hates it that much.

It sounds petty written down.

I am a regular under a NC by the way because I am planning on showing DH this thread.

I think your reaction was over the top, I don't think your DH was being abusive, come on!

I think you were being precious and allowed your DC to make a big deal out of something small.

I have never heard of that, Scrambled, but it's certainly interesting. I have some blue food dye so I might do the tongue test! :)

I understand totally what you mean, too.

BTW the South Asian background relevance is only because the food in her culture was traditionally very spicy.

Ooo. Lemon. Like drizzle cake

I think LtEve's anchovy comparison is a very good one. Anchovy, mint, chilli... these are very distinctive flavours to which people have very strong reactions (positive or negative).

It is odd that there are so few non-mint flavours available.

fwiw ds's dentist has always been happy enough; she knows he uses children's toothpaste. At almost 12, his teeth are perfect (touch wood). A lot of this is genetic I think (father's side), and a lot down to him never having had juice as a matter of course - standard drink has always been water. My teeth on the other hand...

I think your DH's behaviour was bullying. It's quite easy for adults to bully children, but not very nice. I am sure that if he thinks about it, he will be quite upset at himself, when he realises. When you're a bit stressed, trying to get your kids to do something straightforward you can sometimes make mistakes like this, but he shouldn't do this one again.

My DS was very intolerant to mint toothpaste for a long time so we used strawberry flavoured. He's now 12 and seems to have grown out of it but still can't bear anything too strong.
Your DH needs to see he is setting himself up for a major fail with your son in a misguided attempt to make himself The Man Of The House and He Who Must Be Obeyed. Picking your battles isn't about being soft, it's about concentrating on the important things first and working on the smaller things later on, how has he got to the stage of being a father to a 5 year old and not realised this?
Oral hygeine can be a bitch to work on and forcing a 5 year old boy to use a toothpaste that hurts him is not going to make it easy at toothbrushing time, it's going to make your bathroom a battleground and every night harder than it needs to be!
You're not being soft, he is being a bully over this. The comments above about him eating meat or something else that disgusts him might have been made as a bit of a joke but I honestly think you should make him do it. Serve him a ham sandwich tonight and tell him to eat it. Make a real issue out of it, see how he likes being bullied into doing something he doesn't like. It might make him a bit more empathic...

How are you going to get through the next 13 years with such different parenting styles?

Seriously have you discussed how you will deal with the teen issues?

If you are not a united front then DS will run rings around you.

I actually feel a bit sorry for your DH - he was wrong to insist on using the mint toothpaste, but assume that this is a misguided attempt to 'toughen him up'. He may have gone about it all wrong, but it sounds as if he thinks that you are too soft on DS, and that DS is a bit too demanding as a result. I think he is perfectly entitled to that opinion, and you really ought to find a middle ground that is acceptable to you both.

I know it's already been said, but your reaction to the situation was also unreasonable and has undermined your DH's credibility with his DS. Next time DH tries to get DS to do something he doesn't want to do, he may look to you to over-rule him. There were certainly better ways to deal with the situation imo.

With regards the macaroon incident - he probably felt that a lolly was enough, and handled it badly. Again, if you are the primary carer you are experienced in the importance of consistency, punishments fitting the crime etc but DH may still be feeling his way. The last thing you want is him feeling like an outsider to your party of two.

you DH was being a massive idiot.

Why FORCE a child to use it, when there is clearly a suitable alternative just there?

talk about making problems.... your DH sounds like the child here

Using the word abuse in that context is what is lame.

I haven't read the whole thread... but I'd be making your DH a nice "quorn" bolognese - with beef.

I think both the OP and her OH should grow up

bigsnuggle that's an awful thing to suggest. I am veggie and someone made me a lamb bolognaise once which made me physically sick, yes I vomited! I am one of those veggies who cannot stand the taste of meat (red in particular) & this family thought it was because I like fluffy bunnys etc. Its really childish and cruel to mock someone because they choose a life style. Her dh should not have forced ds to brush his teeth with mint tooth paste but at the same time calling him an abuser is way over the top.
Parents need to be united in their child care/parenting methods otherwise you will be in for a whole heap of trouble.

lol at the idea that the mum must be more experienced that the father as to how to educate their child....

Actually a very hollow laugh...

A father should be as switched on as the mother regarding the parenting of their child, esp regarding the importance of consistency, punishments fitting the crime etc
Seriously, he should have learnt at the same time than the mother.

beesknees79 it was a joke... a bit like the first page comment about shoving a piece of wafer thin ham in his mouth. Obviously it's just my comment being picked up on though rather than that one. Jeez.

Your poor DS.
'D'H sounds a bit of a bully.

Why is it awful, bees ? Not that I'd condone it, but it isn't any worse than an adult bullying a small child like that.

OP has already agreed her use of the word 'abuse' was overstated and will apologise to her husband for using it - why can't people RTFT?

Anyway

I think LtEve's anchovy comparison is a very good one. Anchovy, mint, chilli... these are very distinctive flavours to which people have very strong reactions (positive or negative)

Thank you Jenai - and you've just made me think of something else. I used the Anchovy comparison because DH loves them - I hate them. He'd never make me eat them, and thinking about it, he adores Chillies (the hotter the better), Extra Strong Mints, Vindaloo Curries - anything with a super strong, super hot taste in fact. I don't, so in cooking (for example) I make stuff to mine and DDs taste, and he adds what he wants to make it tasty for him. That's what normal people do isn't it?

Sockpuppet - you say your DH is a veggie - are you and DS? Would you make a carnivore meal and demand he eats it, or would you make him something veggie and add meat to yours? Would using the veggie analogy help him see how you feel?

holds hands up

Because lazy bitches like me didn't bother to read the thread

[SMILE]

Whatever you choose to do, don't be showing DH this thread. That's a bit, "see, see, my friends think I'm right".

Yeah, I think he was being a bit arsey using the toothpaste a 2nd time.
I think you're dripfeeding, and a bit PFB.

I suspect DH feels undermined by you, too, and as another poster upthread said it's something to sort out between you - and you snatching the toothbrush?

Asking for "Mum, daddy says..."

Eve, no. If DS and I are eating meat (which isn't often as DS isn't a massive carnivore) I cook separately.

I did say about shoving a wodge of ham in his mouth last night as a comparison and he just did a gormless face at me like I was talking japanese at him.

Where have I dripfed?