Is my husband a massive idiot or do I owe him an apology?

[obvioussockpuppet]

DS (5) has a real intolerance to anything mint flavoured. He says it burns his mouth/gives him a poorly throat so I tend to buy him strawberry flavoured toothpaste or similar. I did an online shop a few weeks back and they sent me mint toothpaste as a substitute for strawberry. Rather than chuck the mint stuff out, I put it in our bathroom cabinet with the intention of giving it to my mate for her DCs. It is still in there.

A few night back, DH accidentally brushed DS's teeth with the mint stuff and DS really sobbed. He just hates mint, really really hates it. So last night, DH tells DS he is having his teeth cleaned with the mint toothpaste Ds obviously protests but DH then proceeds to make him have his teeth cleaned with it. DS cries loudly so I go upstairs to see why he is making him use the fucking toothpaste.

I snatched the toothbrush off DH and washed the mint stuff off, then gave him the strawberry stuff to clean his teeth. DH then starts saying that DS is crying to "play us off against each other" he is "crying for attention" "he cries for nothing" I said that actually I think it is borderlining on abuse to force a child to consume something that provokes such a violent reaction in them. DH is a vegetarian, would he like it if I stuffed a wodge of wafer thin ham in his trap?

We didn't speak for the rest of the night and he has just text me saying that what I said was serious (about borderline abuse) but I think I am right. I also said he is power-pissed where DS is concerned. I hate hearing my little boy sobbing over something as lame as toothpaste and I WILL stand up for him! Fancy making him use that toothpaste is he hates it that much.

It sounds petty written down.

I am a regular under a NC by the way because I am planning on showing DH this thread.

Toothpast....segue macaroons.... segue and so on.
You parent differently; you think he's an arse; he thinks you're soft, I'd guess.

Oh, I still think PFB

Would be interested to hear your DP's response to this thread...

And yes, I think he was wrong. Even 5 year-olds are allowed preferences, and the one he wanted was right there.

I've had mint mouthwash after brushing my teeth and it was like someone had set my mouth on fire and then scraped it with a metal file.

If your DS gets that with mint toothbrush, then it's not imaginary and I totally agree with you!

Does he know the reason why you normally buy other flavours?
If so, then he is BU, because he knows he's doing something that hurts your DS.

(and yes, I agree with the ham analogy, I'm veggie too)

I told the macaroon story as an example of why he thinks I'm soft. That's not dripfeeding, that's telling a different story. Dripfeeding is when you add to your OP usually to make the responses to the thread go your way.

apologies bigsnuggle I had it actually done to me :( & it resulted in me vomiting lots
never ment to single out your comment as I have not read the whole thread (naughty I know)
so apologies

Lady - I didn't say 'mum knows best' I said that the primary carer is often more experienced. My DH still looks to me for advice because I have put in 10x the parenting hours that he has. OTOH my DSil looks to my DB for advice because he is the SAHP in that relationship. Perhaps irrelevant if both parents have an equal division of duties, but that's rare ime.

It's not abuse but it is being mean.
I concur on the waferthin ham! DO IT!

thebeesnees79 No worries, I can imagine it was horrible.

don't worry... it's a proper veggie one!

You don't need wafer-thin ham, you need this

My son also hated minty toothpaste that was anything stronger than the baby teeth one and used to cry. He's now 8 and can finally do the Big Teeth quite happily but it's taken a time. I think it was genuinely unpleasant to him but his taste buds are now a little more adult. There are alternative types of paste and this is really not worth a fight.

I personally believe that you can only use the whole "United Parenting" to a point.

Why shouldn't she stand up for her DS when his father is picking on him for no good reason?

Fair enough she shouldn't have used such emotive language in front of him but if I were acting like an arse towards my son I would hope DH would step in and protect his child.

There is a huge difference between a child playing his/her parents off against each other and the OPs husband trying to assert his authority using toothpaste .

He clearly has a problem with how his son is parented but should take it up with his wife not take it out on his son.

I actually think it is abusive. It is an abuse of power. It is potentially damaging to your son and could make him insecure or a bully in his turn, how is that not abusive? I think your DH needs some help from a professional to get over his childhood issues from the sound of it.

I wouldn't like someone trying to force me physically to brush my teeth.

I think it's ridiculous to force a 5yo to put something in his mouth that he hates, that he says hurts him. He may be right - I find I can't use some mouthwashes because they burn my tongue. I'm not attention-seeking - they burn my tongue. Strong mints do similar. I can manage with minty toothpaste but not too strong. Even if it's just a taste preference though, why deliberately force him?

So YANBU - there is no need to unnecessarily upset your DS when there was a perfectly valid alternative to use on his teeth. It's like forcing a child to eat something they loathe (had that when I was a child - forced to eat fried egg white until it bounced straight back onto the plate one day - still loathe it now) - it's bullying, a power struggle. Bit pathetic on your DH's part, really.

OP I can really relate to what you said here > "I think that DH dismisses it as theatrics TBH. But I know my son."

AGree. If your DH has this attitude then no wonder evenings are not great for your poor DS

I had a recent instance when DP had to force DS to get dressed and took him to school kicking and screaming, while DS was crying that he just wants to stay in the naughty corner
In the car, on the way to school, DS (aged 4) finally managed to articulate WHY he didn't want to go to school. DP had a revelation, apologised to DS, gave him lots of TLC and reassurance and then (he told me later) found himself in tears of remorse after DS had gone in.
DS's concern was very serious and big for him, bless him, but DP just didn't get it initially.
When he finally did, he was in bits!
Lesson learnt the heard way - know your kids, and really listen to them, they will only kick up a big fuss if it really matters to them!

He is definitely wrong to force the mint toothpaste issue. Why on earth does the flavour of the toothpaste matter? We use mint toothpaste in our house but I've had to switch to orange mouthwash because the mint was just too strong for me, and that's coming from someone who loves mint in almost every form! If someone tried to make me use mint mouthwash I'd tell them to sod off. I'm also veggie, and I suspect the mint/meat analogy might be a good way to describe it to him.

If you can agree on the strawberry toothpaste (and no reason why not imo) then you can move onto the actual issue here; your parenting styles. You will both have to stay very calm and be prepared to hear things you really don't like from the other side, but I think a frank discussion on attitudes and expectations is very much needed. I hope you can work this out OP.

Doh - the hard way not the heard way!

Needless to say this whole story borke my heart, but at least I'm lucky that my DP is more understanding and tries his best to accommodate DS's lack of logic....

Of course your DH is being unreasonable here - the strawberry toothpaste was there, DS hats the mint, why on earth would you force the child to use the mint? That's just having a power trip and being a bully.

yes, I agree it's bullying and a power thing.

you shouldn't force a child physically to do something. :(

it could make the child genuinely scared of that person (especially if not only does the toothpaste hurt, but the whole restraining force hurt too)

Yanbu. And I do think it is abusive to make a child cry over something that could be avoided by using an alternative.

omfg pork flavour tooth paste barffff.
It was my ex's mum who made that cruel dinner for me & she told me it was quorn! How evil is that. one forkfull told me it was so not quorn.

I hate mint, too, toothpaste, chewing gum, the lot... I think if you respect your child as a little human being, you have to acknowledge that they have a right to make choices about food and clothes just as we as adults like to do.

One complication is of course you don't want to encourage unnecessary fussiness in your child, and maybe DH was worried DS is too fussy. But I think you guys need to agree on what issues you let DS have his way and where you want to be tough.

I'd say if a child wants chocolate instead of dinner, not okay. If a child refuses to wear a sweater or jacket and wants to run around in a t-shirt in the snow, not okay. Not wanting teeth brushed at all, not okay. But you should let them choose whichever toothpaste they like, or if they like one sweater better than another, or one type of fruit more than another, these are harmless things where it's just good to show respect for their preferences. I agree it's mean to force mint toothpaste on him and you should trust your mother's instinct.

It's an unpalatable fact that some men have power struggles with sons ( not daughters) and it can start early. The father has the problem, not the child and, reading this, I wonder if that's what's going on here. The reasons for it would require a psychologist to unpick but I'm not sure that the flavour of the toothpaste is the main problem.

To bully a small child to that extent would worry me.

Well, there was another toothpaste there.
So, why did he do it??
To enforce his power? To enjoy seeing ds upset? It sounds like bulling to me.

And i think the 'never undermine the other parent' is overating. If he bullies my dcs yes i will interfere.

I hate this "ooh you're dripfeeding" bullshit that people come out with. The OP was answering various questions. What is she expected to do, write her whole life story in the original post ?