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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is my husband a massive idiot or do I owe him an apology?

238 replies

obvioussockpuppet · 20/09/2012 12:50

DS (5) has a real intolerance to anything mint flavoured. He says it burns his mouth/gives him a poorly throat so I tend to buy him strawberry flavoured toothpaste or similar. I did an online shop a few weeks back and they sent me mint toothpaste as a substitute for strawberry. Rather than chuck the mint stuff out, I put it in our bathroom cabinet with the intention of giving it to my mate for her DCs. It is still in there.

A few night back, DH accidentally brushed DS's teeth with the mint stuff and DS really sobbed. He just hates mint, really really hates it. So last night, DH tells DS he is having his teeth cleaned with the mint toothpaste Hmm Ds obviously protests but DH then proceeds to make him have his teeth cleaned with it. DS cries loudly so I go upstairs to see why he is making him use the fucking toothpaste.

I snatched the toothbrush off DH and washed the mint stuff off, then gave him the strawberry stuff to clean his teeth. DH then starts saying that DS is crying to "play us off against each other" he is "crying for attention" "he cries for nothing" I said that actually I think it is borderlining on abuse to force a child to consume something that provokes such a violent reaction in them. DH is a vegetarian, would he like it if I stuffed a wodge of wafer thin ham in his trap?

We didn't speak for the rest of the night and he has just text me saying that what I said was serious (about borderline abuse) but I think I am right. I also said he is power-pissed where DS is concerned. I hate hearing my little boy sobbing over something as lame as toothpaste and I WILL stand up for him! Fancy making him use that toothpaste is he hates it that much.

It sounds petty written down.

I am a regular under a NC by the way because I am planning on showing DH this thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
obvioussockpuppet · 20/09/2012 13:38

Actually the fluoride content is high (1450ppm) Here it is and the last time I took DS to the dentist she said that his teeth looked well looked after.

OP posts:
PunkInDublic · 20/09/2012 13:38

I can see both sides to this. Your husband should have listened to your concerns, you shouldn't have shouted and snatched.

There are a million different parenting styles out there, MN has taught me that if nothing else. Nothing wrong with strict parenting, cajoling, bribery, Gina Ford, Tiger parenting, benign neglect, whatever gets you all through the day feeling happy and loved. But if you're parenting one way, then Dad comes home and parents another way no wonder your DS is upset come bath time. You need to agree on the rules between you and how they are enforced, not fight it out in front of your DS.

Original poster
obvioussockpuppet · 20/09/2012 13:39

Well, of course we're parenting differently, Sherlock.

OP posts:
amverytired · 20/09/2012 13:40

OP - your dh sounds like he has an authoritarian parenting style rather than being authoritative. Basically he needs to rethink how he is doing things otherwise he will have a dreadful relationship with your ds. You won't be able to change how he behaves but you could try discussing with him how you feel (and how your ds feels) when he behaves in this aggressive manner.
My dh was like this (and worse) but therapy has helped. What are his parents like? Was he bullied by them as a child?

OHforDUCKScake · 20/09/2012 13:41

Well if youre going to be a sarcastic twat just because Im not seeing it from your side then I cant be arsed.

FWIW no where in the OP does it say that the husband said that he deliberately chose the mint. Just that he thought the child was attention seeking.

iknowwho · 20/09/2012 13:42

I don't get why people are saying kids have to get used to mint?
Confused

Why? I never got used to cucumber, gooseberries or rubarb.

There are perfectly good alternatives to mint toothpaste and why force someone to have it if they don't like it.

Bonkers all round.

cheekybarsteward · 20/09/2012 13:42

I would go out of my way to find beef flavoured toothpaste for your husband. DS might prefer that too and then you can chuck all other toothpaste away.
Just as a side note your DS should be on adult toothpaste now so maybe that fennel one that was mentioned earlier might be better?

Bluegrass · 20/09/2012 13:42

So how are you planning to resolve the conflict between your parenting styles (other than just asserting that you are right and he is wrong and planning to use the opinion of a bunch of strangers on the Internet who've only heard your side to prove your point!)

LadyInDisguise · 20/09/2012 13:43

Yes it's more of an issue with very different parenting style but I have to say I am Hmm about the story of the macaroon, especially as he had bought him a lollipop just before.

It's just wrong all the way. From the fact there is no relation between the incident and the 'punishment' (was it even a punishment in his mind?), the lack of communication with you and with his ds if it was. If it wasn't ...well HmmHmm

Original poster
obvioussockpuppet · 20/09/2012 13:43

amverytired, his mum is an angel. She can tow the line between doling out discipline and being loving very, very well. I have to say that she is an exception mother/grandmother.

I never knew DH's dad as he sadly passed away when we were a relatively new couple and I hadn't got to meet him yet. I think his dad had various issues and I don't think that DH and his DB had the greatest of times with him. From what I can gather, he was loving and whatnot but I feel he may have been a bit bullish.

OP posts:
Original poster
obvioussockpuppet · 20/09/2012 13:44

Ohforduckssake "So last night, DH tells DS he is having his teeth cleaned with the mint toothpaste"

From my OP.

Just because you're a twat that can't read. :)

OP posts:
LadyInDisguise · 20/09/2012 13:45

obvioussockpuppet I get you are really Angry but no need to have a got at us Wink

ginnybag · 20/09/2012 13:45

In that case, I'd be all for letting your son carry on.

If there's no real issue, then it's not a battle that needs to be had.

I said before I thought your DH was being an arse, and I still think that. Even more so now!

This isn't about toothpaste, really, though. What are you going to do?

LadyInDisguise · 20/09/2012 13:45

Sorry lots of xpost here!

amverytired · 20/09/2012 13:45

OP - I would say your FIL's behaviour towards his son when he was a child is at the heart of the matter. Have you ever discussed it with him? Did he like being treated that way? Probably not.

Quenelle · 20/09/2012 13:46

YANBU

My dad is 77 and still hates mint toothpaste. Anyone who tried forcing a brushful of it into his mouth would be called more than just a bully.

Lueji · 20/09/2012 13:47

Your OH deserves that you cook something he hates and being forced to eat it.

If there's nothing reasonable, then get some edible insects, or something like that. www.lazyboneuk.com/categories/Edible-Insects-/

And try not to puke

Original poster
obvioussockpuppet · 20/09/2012 13:47

"So how are you planning to resolve the conflict between your parenting styles (other than just asserting that you are right and he is wrong and planning to use the opinion of a bunch of strangers on the Internet who've only heard your side to prove your point!)"

Grin

No, we are going to talk about it. We have said this by text today. But if he starts acting up he always thinks he is right then I just want to show him other people's perspectives on this. He thinks that I am bullying him, I imagine.

OP posts:
blueraincoat · 20/09/2012 13:48

For all the mint haters I use this:

www.deliciousteeth.com/

Adult toothpaste not in mint flavours, was so happy when I found it, DP didn't quite understand the significance! I use the Brazilian lime flavour tastes like starburst

LtEveDallas · 20/09/2012 13:48

They don't do strawberry flavored toothpaste for adults, and they'll need something stronger eventually

Yes they do - and fennel flavour and spearmint flavour and germolene flavour and unflavoured...

Lueji · 20/09/2012 13:49

I usually give DS the benefit of the doubt.
If he is really against some flavour/food, then be it.

There are a few things I really don't like and I hate if I have to eat them.

Original poster
obvioussockpuppet · 20/09/2012 13:49

Oh Ds would love bacon toothpaste!

Yeah the macaroon thing. I said to him through gritted teeth "but you just bought him a lollipop! And didn't tell me that he was being punished!" You could hear the cogs whirring into action in his brain.

OP posts:
Pliudev · 20/09/2012 13:49

You are absolutely right on this. Why risk putting your child off cleaning his teeth just to make a point? I don't think his father's behaviour was abusive (let's save that term for more serious acts) but I do think it's bullying. I also think the attempt to get you to 'side' with him by suggesting your 5 yr old is being manipulative is pretty sad. Sounds like you're the only grown up in the household.

Callisto · 20/09/2012 13:50

You'll find plenty of meat-flavoured toothpaste for sale at your local pet store. And special doggy toothbrushes. No floss, but you could get a dentastick or two...