to think that "sexual harassment" is a bit strong to describe this event?

[BartiiMus]

At a training session with work. 3 days, 2 nights on-site.

Around midnight (not long after the people concerned have left the bar), man A rings woman B and asks for a code to connect to the internet (we use password tokens and he'd forgotten his).

Woman says fine, come to my room. Man goes to room, then confesses he didn't come for that at all and tries to kiss her. She refuses. Man is confused saying he thought they had a "connection" earlier in the evening but she denies it. He leaves the room.

A few days later woman B tells my colleague about it. She was half-laughing about it and said she wasn't going to report it.

Last night at a party my colleague told us that there'd been "sexual harassment" during the training this summer but refused to say who had been involved. After a bit of coaxing and lots of clues from him we worked out who the man had been, and our colleague confirmed it.

I know him, I've worked with him before and he's a nice bloke. I'm not saying he didn't do this but he tried it on, was refused and left. Is that really "sexual harassment"?

To be honest, I'm a bit pissed off with the gossip colleague who told us all because it's a bit of a non-event (man tries to pull woman, woman refuses, man leaves) but he's usually highly emotive language like "sexual harassment" to describe it. She's not even reporting it. The man isn't her boss or anything and they don't work together.

I know I probably don't have all the story but I do know the gossip well and he does love to exagerate and I don't think it's very fair to man A to have people slinging mud at him like this.

So, deep breath AIBU?

Sally,NT is is what you said:-
"All we know for sure is that a woman had a laugh with her workmates about how one of their colleagues made a fool of himself by trying it on with her in the hotel."

This is what the OP actually said happened-
"A few days later woman B tells my colleague about it. She was half-laughing about it and said she wasn't going to report it."

See how the tone has changed from the OP to your post?

Dallying I hope you aren't frightened of sexual harassment but what if the man visiting you at home alone did try and kiss you?

"As it happens I am working alone at home, and in five minutes time will be visited by a man who I hardly know to discuss a paper I have written. Should I be frightened of sexual harassment? I think not."

No you shouldn't. But if you were to go by the prevailing mood of this thread, it would be OK if he did try it on- all you have to do is say no, and move on!

Thta's the thing.

My DH can go aboit his business without much concern that a colleague will make him uncomfortable by making a pass at him.

I don't think t's too much to ask, that I can do the same is it?

'wordfactory* your DH is lucky. My DH has had passes made at him on more than one occasion at work. Both times after drinks. Men are not immune to people making silly mistakes. They are less likely to feel physically threatened but it does still happen to them.

Sally From the information in the OP, woman B dealt with it in a confident manner and did not herself consider it harassment.

Thats just your subjective interpretation. Some people are better at extrapolating enhanced meaning from given parameters than others. Apropos another subjective intepretation of the given facts would be that the woman appeared to deal with it well and not to be upset by it, but later when she had time to think about it, was so upset that she felt she had to mention it to colleagues, who, when commenting on it, described it as "sexual harassment".

but later when she had time to think about it, was so upset that she felt she had to mention it to colleagues
That's total nonsense!

The OP said
"She was half-laughing about it and said she wasn't going to report it."

there's nothing there about being "so upset"

Once again you are reading much more into this than was said, in order to support your own prejudice.

And you're not, Sally?

I touched on it on Saturday.

Why don't women concentrate on looking after themselves?

The guy was wrong and foolish, but the women in question should have told him to ask someone else for the code, or him to wait till morning.

Common sense.

wordfactory, I made a pass at my now dh whist at a work function, thankfully he reciprocated and 10 yrs on we are happily married with 3 children, so just because your husband is a man doesn't mean he won't be propositioned. And according to this thread I should be done for sexual harassment.

Must add I DO NOT agree with the view this was in ANY way the woman in the op's fault, I am quite sure she thought the man simply wanted the code.

"I touched on it on Saturday.

Why don't women concentrate on looking after themselves?

The guy was wrong and foolish, but the women in question should have told him to ask someone else for the code, or him to wait till morning.

Common sense."

Why the fuck should she? If she was a man would you be saying he should be taking into consideration that men had uncontrollable sexual urges before he acts?

aWimbaWay, did you lie in order to get into his hotel bedroom under false pretences then try to kiss him?

No seeker I'm not

It is up to women to always have our wits about us. Odd and old fashioned as that might sound.

I don't think its great he went to her room, I think he was clumsy and cheeky.

I don't think she should have let him in.

He might have been a chancer, he might have been much worse!

And...as I said and I will repeat again, had he been much worse it would not have been her fault.

There are still, so many grey areas.

seeker, I asked him back to my flat to "watch a film" for all I know he thought we would be doing just that, during the film I went to kiss him, granted body language was pretty clear that he also liked me, but I could have been wrong!

Ok wimba so you asked him back to do something social.

Feminine, FFS.

Did he even get into the room? Surely a token is something that can be just given at the door?

Good posts from inigo & seeker...

Look, all you really need tp know to condemn his behaviour is that he lied his way into the room, by his own admission.

If he'd said 'Can I come to your room for a chat/coffee/shag?' then the attempted kiss would've been reasonable 'This is now off-duty social interaction'-type behaviour.

By lying that he needed a code, he took advantage of her not wanting to disoblige a colleague, in order to make a pass that he presumably had a good idea would be unwelcome.

How is that not dodgy as fuck?

doctrine why the "FFS"

Feminine- where is the grey area?

AwimbaWay- that was a normal social transaction. Completely different from the one we're discussing. Sounds fun, though!

Yes, and I did already know him quite well prior to this occasion so I guess it was easier to read than the situation in the op.

It is up to women always to have our wits about us.

That's why.

Awimba those reasons are why it wouldn't be sexual harassment.

seeker the grey area to my mind comes from the guy thinking they had a "connection" during the evening.

In his clumsy way , he wanted to try his luck. Not great, but human all the same.

She didn't have to let him in. I wouldn't have.