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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that "sexual harassment" is a bit strong to describe this event?

614 replies

BartiiMus · 14/09/2012 10:22

At a training session with work. 3 days, 2 nights on-site.

Around midnight (not long after the people concerned have left the bar), man A rings woman B and asks for a code to connect to the internet (we use password tokens and he'd forgotten his).

Woman says fine, come to my room. Man goes to room, then confesses he didn't come for that at all and tries to kiss her. She refuses. Man is confused saying he thought they had a "connection" earlier in the evening but she denies it. He leaves the room.

A few days later woman B tells my colleague about it. She was half-laughing about it and said she wasn't going to report it.

Last night at a party my colleague told us that there'd been "sexual harassment" during the training this summer but refused to say who had been involved. After a bit of coaxing and lots of clues from him we worked out who the man had been, and our colleague confirmed it.

I know him, I've worked with him before and he's a nice bloke. I'm not saying he didn't do this but he tried it on, was refused and left. Is that really "sexual harassment"?

To be honest, I'm a bit pissed off with the gossip colleague who told us all because it's a bit of a non-event (man tries to pull woman, woman refuses, man leaves) but he's usually highly emotive language like "sexual harassment" to describe it. She's not even reporting it. The man isn't her boss or anything and they don't work together.

I know I probably don't have all the story but I do know the gossip well and he does love to exagerate and I don't think it's very fair to man A to have people slinging mud at him like this.

So, deep breath AIBU?

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 14/09/2012 10:24

To be honest, you're the one slinging mud. You pushed and persuaded and coaxed until you found out who it was. Yes, your colleague shouldn't have mentioned it to you - very unprofessional - but you should have left well alone.

The person gossiping is you and your pals, can't you see that?

seeker · 14/09/2012 10:26

Absolutely that's sexual harassment. Completely inappropriate behaviour at work- he tried to kiss her? On what planet would that be OK?

ErikNorseman · 14/09/2012 10:26

YABU
That is sexual harassment
They were in a work capacity, he was in her room under false pretences. So what if he's usually a nice guy? It was inappropriate and unprofessional and in that context becomes sexual harassment.

Birdsgottafly · 14/09/2012 10:28

I've worked with him before and he's a nice bloke

Even 'nice blokes can be sex offenders etc.

You are right, legally this isn't sexual harrassment, it is an atempted sexual assault.

You need to think about why you are willing to minimise this and get it into your head that unless invited, no sexual contact takes place.

'Man didn't try to pull woman', he used deception to enter her bedroom and tried to have sexual contact with her, all univited.

Trying to pull her would have been asking her to go to his room, earlier.

YAsoBU, that i cannot believe this is real.

Narked · 14/09/2012 10:28

'AT A TRAINING SESSION WITH WORK'

Yes it's sexual harassment.

Birdsgottafly · 14/09/2012 10:29

Are you the man?

Kayano · 14/09/2012 10:29

If it happened like 'he leaned down for a kiss, she said no, he left' then I would say not sexual harassment

If he lurched at her and put his hands on her tried to kiss her And touch her, then she said no and he left - I would say sexual harassment

But you have her word
And his word

And I would believe the woman. Someone being 'nice' means nothing unfortunately and I she has reported it I would support her til it was over

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 14/09/2012 10:29

YAB(montumentally)U

you coax and persuade someone for information and then you are pissedf off about them telling yopu what you managed to squeese out of them.

I would say yes it is sexual harrasment.

You are the one gossping

You are the one flinging the mud

but you probably all need to grow up a bit

crazygracieuk · 14/09/2012 10:30

"I thought we had a connection earlier." ad his excuse is sexual harassment.

Mrsjay · 14/09/2012 10:32

Of course it is sexual harassment he tried to kiss her
if a woman was at a party with mutual friends and a guy tried to kiss her cos they had a connection Hmm isn't that sexual harassment , and you and your workmates are gossips doesn't matter how you dress it up,

lisaro · 14/09/2012 10:34

Why couldn't she give him the code over the phone? Not apportioning blame at all here, but something sounds odd. Also agree with the above poster who says it depends on if it was a full on lunge or not.

sashh · 14/09/2012 10:36

Bloody hell.

He made an excuse to go to her room after she had gone to bed and then attempted to sexually assault her.

What planet are you on OP?

sooperdooper · 14/09/2012 10:37

I thinkif he simply tried to kiss her, she said no and if he then just left it as that it's not sexual harrassment, it's just misread signals

Why didn't she just tell him the code over the phone? Seems off to have invited him to her room, and tbh if I was him and thought there was a 'connection' I'd read that as a come on

sooperdooper · 14/09/2012 10:38

He didn't make an excuse to go to her room, she could've given him the code on the phone, he didn't need to be there at all, not saying it's her fault as such, but that was a weird thing to do if she didn't want him there

seeker · 14/09/2012 10:38

"Why couldn't she give him the code over the phone? Not apportioning blame at all here, but something sounds odd. Also agree with the above poster who says it depends on if it was a full on lunge or not."

Because she expected her colleague to behave in a civilised and professional manner.

Original poster
BartiiMus · 14/09/2012 10:39

Ok
Wow looks like IABU!

I am surprised I admit. I agree that the going to the room under false pretences is a lot worse than trying to pull her in a bar.

For the record I didn't push to find out who it was but I was in the group of people who were asking and asking and I didn't walk away.

It is real to whoever asked Hmm dunno why I'd bother making it up.

Just out of curiosity, it seems that because it was in a work context it is sexual harassment, especially in her room etc.

But if they were in a bar (out of work) and he tried to kiss her and she refused is that also sexual harassment?

OP posts:
TheEnthusiasticTroll · 14/09/2012 10:40

why could he not be in her room without the urge to make an inappropriate move on her in the way he had [confuse]

EldritchCleavage · 14/09/2012 10:40

I know I probably don't have all the story but I do know the gossip well and he does love to exaggerate and I don't think it's very fair to man A to have people slinging mud at him like this.

Well, if you don't like mudslinging why did you badger and cajole your gossipy colleague into telling you who it was? And why are you now judging him and woman B? She's done nothing wrong except confide in one person about an incident of yes, sexual harassment or even attempted sexual assault.

I think man A's behaviour is deeply off: he uses a deception to get into her room (if he were so confident she would welcome his attentions, surely he would have been upfront with her?) tries to kiss her without establishing whether she was up for that, and then when she isn't, comes up with some frankly pathetic and unsavoury excuse about sensing a 'connection' (is that the new code for 'You led me on?') instead of apologising profusely.

Original poster
BartiiMus · 14/09/2012 10:40

And yes she could have read the code out over the phone.

OP posts:
sooperdooper · 14/09/2012 10:41

But he didn't go to her room under false presences - he phoned her under false pretences yes but she asked him to the room Confused

Narked · 14/09/2012 10:42

Would you like to explain what a password token is and how it works, for sooperdooper's benefit?

Original poster
BartiiMus · 14/09/2012 10:42

I don't think the woman has done anything wrong.

She told my colleage that A tried to kiss her. My colleague said to us it was sexual harassment. I was questionning the terminology.

I admit I was wrong.

OP posts:
TheEnthusiasticTroll · 14/09/2012 10:43

yes but I think the emphasis would be more sexual assualt

Original poster
BartiiMus · 14/09/2012 10:43

Password token : you have a username and the token randomly gives you a password (different each time). Allows you to connect to your email. (but only with another 2 passwords so you can only acces your own email IYSWIM)

OP posts:
sooperdooper · 14/09/2012 10:44

Oh sorry, I thought it was a password which could be given over the phone - is it something that physically needs to be connected to the laptop? Misunderstood, my mistake

But I don't think you're wrong, I think trying to kiss someone and being brushed off is misplaced judgement, but hardly sexual harrassment - if it is I must have been sexually harrassed in the past and not even noticed Blush