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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry with this school gate dad?

182 replies

bionicmummy · 11/09/2012 13:14

Bit of background:

DD has recently started primary school. There are a several other kids whom she knows from nursery/playgroup/swimming.

DD doesn't have a 'special' friend, she plays with pretty much everyone, which is what we encourage.

Last week, when we dropped her off at school, a girl she knows from swimming (let's call her A) was standing at the gates with her dad. DD took the girl's hand and went to walk in with her.

The dad pulls back his DD and tells DD 'no, she's waiting for B (another girl)'. DD looked bewildered and hurt. At home time, she mentioned it again and said 'A didn't want to come in with me'

I was really angry on DD's behalf. This was really unkind and other mums heard and saw and commented on it.

Fast forward to today. B is off sick. A is crying at the gates refusing to go in without B. A's dad asks my DD if she will go in with A which she did.

WIBU to have said to the dad "oh now DD is good enough for your daughter? Last week she wasn't!"

I do not want my daughter to be 'used' whenever B isn't around.

Another mum who saw the original incident said I was dead right to make a point.

Oh and we bought the mum a gift for her new baby, so feel extra angry and hurt. Will likely see her at swimming and will be interested to know what she says.

DD is a very kind and sensitive little girl and like I said I encourage her to play with everyone. I could have held her back and said 'no' but I did not. I did speak to the dad though.

What are all your thoughts? Should I have shut up? Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 11/09/2012 13:46

You are really, really overthinking this. You don't know any arrangement had been made. Maybe child A had maybe tried to walk in with three other kids before you turned up and that the dad was actually irritated at his own child not waiting quietly for kid B.

And neither wonder the dad went red if you pulled him up about some imaginary slight in front of the whole playground. Sheesh.

ClippedPhoenix · 11/09/2012 13:47

His little girl may have made arrangements with the other one to wait for her to go in? Blimey OP, you really need to chill here. Stop involving yourself as you'll only make a rod for your own back.

MrsMiniversCharlady · 11/09/2012 13:48

Jeez, get a grip woman!! You sound like a child yourself.

pictish · 11/09/2012 13:48

WIBU to have said to the dad "oh now DD is good enough for your daughter? Last week she wasn't!"

Yes you were very unreasonable. I would have laughed you, because you are so silly.

redwineformethanks · 11/09/2012 13:49

This sounds childish to me. I doubt any of the children are giving it as much thought as you are. I don't think the Dad was in the wrong. His DD was waiting for her friend, so couldn't go into school yet. I don't see the problem. If your DD was so anxious to walk in with A, why didn't you suggest your DD wait with her?

diddl · 11/09/2012 13:49

Are the children not encouraged to go in by themselves at all?

I can´t imagine my daughter taking hold of someone´s hand & walking off with her if that friend was waiting with her dad.

ZiaMaria · 11/09/2012 13:50

"What I don't want is for DD to be used when there is no other option"

This I can well understand. Mainly because I was that child being used at primary school. There were various girls in my village who all played together and I was no welcome. Then, in the summer holidays, when various parts of the group went on holiday, I was suddenly popular when the parents of those remainig wanted them out from underfoot. Made me feel like shit.

As a plus though, I did learn not to let them use me as their 'last resort', and I explained to my Dad what was going on and he was happy to lie to them evermore about my whereabouts: "Zia's not in I'm afraid".

atacareercrossroads · 11/09/2012 13:50

Yes maybe he went red with the effort of holding in a massive guffaw

Hullygully · 11/09/2012 13:53

um, people might think you're a bit insanio

EverlongYouAreGoldAndOrange · 11/09/2012 13:53

If A had told her dad that she wanted to or had arranged to meet B then I can understand why he said what he did.

However he should really have asked you and dd to wait also, so they could have gone in together.

And that what I would have said in your shoes. ' oh ok we will wait too '

headinhands · 11/09/2012 13:54

Op if I were you I would apologise to the dad. I would say 'sorry about this morning, am a bit stressed about her starting school,' or similar. I wouldn't leave him
thinking what he's thinking about you iyswim.

Original poster
bionicmummy · 11/09/2012 13:55

Devora, I know kids change who they play with/are friends with all the time.

Its more the parents seeing DD as a 'filler' rather than doing what you said, encouraging A to be open to multiple friendships which is what I am trying to do with my DD.

I certainly don't want to be enemies with these parents but I had to say something today so that it didn't happen again - will DD be ignored and forgotten about when B returns to school? Or will they all play together and be encouraged to do so by A's parents? That is what I would like to see.

I should really have added that he pushed my DD away from A. Sorry for not mentioning this sooner. I thought I had mentioned it but on reading it back I did not.

I did not say anything at the time, I was shocked and embarrassed. It was only when several mums approached me to express their shock and when DD herself came out of school all upset and still remembering what had happened that morning. That's what made me react today.

OP posts:
MarysBeard · 11/09/2012 13:55

Think of it this way...how would B feel if A had not been waiting for her, as arranged, in the first instance?

As an adult, if you arranged to meet someone somewhere but another friend came along, would you say hello & explain you were waiting for someone else, or go off with the other friend, standing up the person you had arranged to meet?

I don't think A or her dad were being nasty at all, in fact I'd think it more odd if they'd gone back on a prior arrangement.

Shellywelly1973 · 11/09/2012 13:56

Think you have a great 7 years ahead of you...

atacareercrossroads · 11/09/2012 13:57

He pushed a 4 year old?

sue52 · 11/09/2012 13:57

He pushed your DD away. That piece of essential knowledge was missing from your first post. In that case, he is a complete dick and best avoid contact with him for the next few years.

pictish · 11/09/2012 13:58

I should really have added that he pushed my DD away from A. Sorry for not mentioning this sooner. I thought I had mentioned it but on reading it back I did not.

Mmmm....I think this did not happen.

headinhands · 11/09/2012 13:58

He physically pushed your dd? [shocked]

MarysBeard · 11/09/2012 13:58

Yes, if he pushed her that was clearly unacceptable.

BupcakesandCunting · 11/09/2012 13:59

I don't think you were being U, actually.

He could have said "Oh sorry A, B has promised to wait for C. Why don't you wait together?" or similar. As a parent, he should know that kids of that age are prone to taking things to heart and been a bit more sensitive. It's completely natural to defend your child when they've been hurt. Well, for most of us anyway Hmm

headinhands · 11/09/2012 14:00

You're more upset that he didn't let his dd go in with yours than the fact that he physically pushed your dd???

valiumredhead · 11/09/2012 14:00

I think I agree with pictish Grin

Original poster
bionicmummy · 11/09/2012 14:00

yes he did push my 4 year old. I'm sorry I did not mention it, I didn't deliberately leave it out, I was typing fast in my anger and accidentlly omitted it. It was only reading back just now that I realised I hadn't mentioned it.

He did push my DD away from A

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 11/09/2012 14:00

Pushed? as in how?

pictish · 11/09/2012 14:00

Of come on - the OP has totally changed tack in the face of being found unreasonable.

If the pushing did occur, the post most certainly would have centred around that.
As it is, the OP concentrated on the fact that her dd was not first choice and took it personally - she even mentioned his tone was abrupt.

Now all of a sudden, he pushed her away from his daughter?

Nope.