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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry with this school gate dad?

182 replies

bionicmummy · 11/09/2012 13:14

Bit of background:

DD has recently started primary school. There are a several other kids whom she knows from nursery/playgroup/swimming.

DD doesn't have a 'special' friend, she plays with pretty much everyone, which is what we encourage.

Last week, when we dropped her off at school, a girl she knows from swimming (let's call her A) was standing at the gates with her dad. DD took the girl's hand and went to walk in with her.

The dad pulls back his DD and tells DD 'no, she's waiting for B (another girl)'. DD looked bewildered and hurt. At home time, she mentioned it again and said 'A didn't want to come in with me'

I was really angry on DD's behalf. This was really unkind and other mums heard and saw and commented on it.

Fast forward to today. B is off sick. A is crying at the gates refusing to go in without B. A's dad asks my DD if she will go in with A which she did.

WIBU to have said to the dad "oh now DD is good enough for your daughter? Last week she wasn't!"

I do not want my daughter to be 'used' whenever B isn't around.

Another mum who saw the original incident said I was dead right to make a point.

Oh and we bought the mum a gift for her new baby, so feel extra angry and hurt. Will likely see her at swimming and will be interested to know what she says.

DD is a very kind and sensitive little girl and like I said I encourage her to play with everyone. I could have held her back and said 'no' but I did not. I did speak to the dad though.

What are all your thoughts? Should I have shut up? Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
JeremyKylesPetProject · 11/09/2012 13:29

I was badly bullied at school. Infants, juniors, high school even in 6th form. I was the loner who had no one to sit with at lunchtime and spent breaks sat in the loo hoping I'd be left alone. I struggle to not project my anxiety onto my kids and I have to trust that the school does all it can to protect my kids. My children are just as good as anyone elses. Having a friends hand to hold on the way in is nice (sometimes she does) but usually she just gives me a peck and runs ahead now. I'd rather that than her feeling obliged or excluded by another child.

ColouringIn · 11/09/2012 13:29

It's hard seeing your child upset. I think hr coud have been more diplomatic. It might have been that it was an arrangement made beforehand. On the other hand it would have been better for him to say "actually she needs to wait for her friend but why don't we all wait and the three of you can go in together" . Don't let it get to you though.

atacareercrossroads · 11/09/2012 13:30

Massive overreaction by you op. So A was waiting for another kid....have you missed a big chunk out ie. The dad told you to go fuck yourself or something? Cos if not I'm a bit Confused by the drama tbh

wigglesrock · 11/09/2012 13:31

God, its all a bit dramaish isn't it? This happens all the time at my daughters primary school. He may have been a bit brusque but thats the worst that could be said.

You have built it up into a bit of a soap opera - used etc, are you really going to mention it to As Mum at swimming - thats a bit over involved. By the way its completely irrelevant that you bought a new baby a present Hmm

ilovetermtime · 11/09/2012 13:31

Have my first ever Biscuit

sherbetpips · 11/09/2012 13:32

to be fair what dad should have said is - she is waiting for B but you are welcome to wait with us if you like?

Either way not worth getting worried about and certainly not worth getting into a discussion about (except on mumsnet of course!!)

Chandon · 11/09/2012 13:32

Don' t get so het up about a non incident

No need to make a big deal out of it.

Yabu

headinhands · 11/09/2012 13:33

acted like your daughter was a leper.

Confused
Original poster
bionicmummy · 11/09/2012 13:34

I know child B's mum, and have done since we were children ourselves. She is not like best pals with Child A's parents nor is there any arrangement in place.

Child B actually gets on much better with child C who's mother is best friend's with child B's mum. So B is more likely to go into school with C. B and C play together all the time out of school (I can see FB pictures as I am friends with B and C - there are no pictures of B with A. I think A's parents are trying to create a friendship in vain tbh)

Perhaps child A's parents convinced her that B would want to go in with her to help her settle in, but as a previous poster said its not doing her any favours.

We didn't buy the mother a present for the new baby as a way to buy friendships.

We do tend to buy baby gifts for anyone we know who has a baby, its just us being nice, but I do feel hurt that that we were nice to someone who is nasty to us.

I don't want this to turn into 7 etc years of falling out as someone said above. I do hope that it doesn't happen again and that A does have lots of friends.

What I don't want is for DD to be used when there is no other option.

I hope this clarifies things.

(and I do not normally speak up, but I did today and I got a lot of support because other mums saw how embarrassed and upset DD was, plus the dad did it in a loud and rather snappy way. DD is only four)

OP posts:
NCForNow · 11/09/2012 13:34

He'll learn OP....he'll learn!

arthurfowlersallotment · 11/09/2012 13:37

I think when my DD starts school in five years I will drop her off at the door and run like an eight legged racehorse.

Original poster
bionicmummy · 11/09/2012 13:37

as someone else said, I feel they could all have gone in together, or at least he could have been nicer.

There is/was no arrangement with child B to wait for child A and vice versa.

He just went red when I called him on it. He knows he was wrong, that much was clear and he knew what I was referring to.

OP posts:
atacareercrossroads · 11/09/2012 13:38

oh sorry, it all sounds a bit childish now with talk of bessie mates and FB and child C.

maybe have a game of 'flee fly flo bang' to solve it.

pictish · 11/09/2012 13:39

I can't grasp the gravity of this at all.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 11/09/2012 13:40

YWBGrosslyUnreasonable. All you had to say to your DD was "A is waiting for B, so why don't you go inside and you can see A&B later."

Even if there was no arrangement for A to wait for B, surely it is no Such a goddam big deal!!

I think you should not take it so personally and be a bit more adult about situations like that.

atacareercrossroads · 11/09/2012 13:40

also its entirely possible that, you know, an arrangement was made without you being notified of it.

Im with Pictish on this one.

headinhands · 11/09/2012 13:41

Guess what, there'll be times when your dd will hang out with a child just because there is no one else around. It's normal and it's actually how friendship sometime develop. You'd be much better off showing your dd how to brush off rejection and be easy going where friends are concerned. Teaching her to react so strongly to minor knock backs is not the way to go.

pictish · 11/09/2012 13:42

One thing I DO know is that you are over invloved in the social minutae of these four year olds.

pictish · 11/09/2012 13:42

Teaching her to react so strongly to minor knock backs is not the way to go.

I agree.

Devora · 11/09/2012 13:43

Now, this is where you lose me, OP: "What I don't want is for DD to be used when there is no other option". Does that mean the other dc always have to choose your dd's company as first choice, or not at all? Have you never asked a friend to do something with you after being turned down by another friend?

I am intensely sympathetic to how much you want your dd to have good friendships at school. I have a 6 yo dd who is currently going through all the horrors of being in a friendship triangle with a queen bee who chooses every day who is in the 'best' group and who will get left weeping at the edge of the playground. It is breaking my dd's heart, and mine. I would happily go round with a flamethrower to sort that kid out. But of course I won't, because we do have to leave them to sort out this stuff for themselves (unless real bullying is involved).

So, again, I think the dad was over-abrupt and should have been kinder to your dd (going by your version of events) but I can't see that he was wrong to arrange for another child to walk in with his dd one day, and then ask your dd another day.

And you REALLY want to be careful about setting up schoolgate feuds. Your child and his may end up being best friends, which leaves you with a lot of awkward encounters to navigate.

wigglesrock · 11/09/2012 13:44

I'm not being arsey, but you have to take a step back, you have birthday parties, Nativity plays, school sports days to deal with. This is a over reaction to a perceived slight.

headinhands · 11/09/2012 13:45

He went red because he was embarrassed not guilty. Your explanation of the politics of child A's, B's and and C's friendship rota is the funniest thing I've read on here for a while. These kids are 4 fgs.

Devora · 11/09/2012 13:45

The best lesson you can teach your child at this stage is to be open to multiple friendships, and flexible in who they will play with. The child who believes they have a fixed best friend to whom they are entitled to uncontested access is the child who will find playtime at infants a very hard road...

Proudnscary · 11/09/2012 13:45

Wow, no way would I have done this - not sure why some posters are applauding you for acting like a fruitcake.

You can't fight your dd's every battle or you will be known as Nightmare Mum To Be Avoided.

pictish · 11/09/2012 13:46

Does that mean the other dc always have to choose your dd's company as first choice, or not at all?

Does it OP?

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