Who is being unreasonable here? Wedding drama.

[manicinsomniac]

Ok, trying to keep the background simple and not too specific:

A while ago friend A quit her job, very suddenly, because she said she was being bullied by some of our colleagues.

Friend B is getting married. Friend A is the maid of honour.

Friend B has invited the 'bullying' colleagues to the wedding (partly out of politics but also because they are friendly with each other)

Right, so, last night friend B phoned me crying because friend A is now refusing to come to the wedding if the bullies come. She says it will make her physically sick to see them.

My response was 'for God's sake she's 40 not 10!' and I have more or less told friend A that to her face, in slightly less harsh terms.

Friend B asked me to try and talk friend A round and let her know how upset she was. My take on it was that if A is really B's best friend then she will appreciate that it is B's day, she can invite who she likes and that A will have to deal with it and socialise in an appropriate, polite, adult fashion.

A is now 'not speaking' to me I may have accidentally used the words selfish and childish . And doesn't appear any closer to giving in.

Who do you think is being unreasonable? Is Friend A pathetic? Is Friend B a bridezilla? Am I taking B's side unfairly and not appreciating A's POV?

It's the Brides day, she and her intended invite who they like

I think you are the bride, but assuming you are not:

YABU: your friend was bullied and doesn't want to spend a day with the bully. Who can blame her. A true friend wouldn't put her in that position by inviting the bully.

Hard to know without all of the details, but if A was bullied so badly that she felt she had to leave work, then B isn't much of a friend to invite them to the wedding. Particularly since it must be A and B who are supposed to be close friends, if A is the maid of honour.

What kind of bullying are we talking about? It must have been bad if she was driven out of work. Friend A is perfectly entitled not to want to have to endure the presence of bullies who ruined her life. Friend B is entitled to invite who she wants but can't expect a victim who was driven out of their workplace (perhaps even to a nervous breakdown) to socialise with those who did that to her. She has to make a choice. Her very good friend or those who bullied the hell out of her.

Does she walk out if jobs regularly or was thus a one off.

The bullying must have been quite bad for her to walk, I thi k it's ur of the bride to expect her to socialise with the bully, and had made the choice not to go which for her is the right choice

The bride gets to invite who she wants. She INBU.

However, if you are the friend's friend you should be a little more empathetic about the bullying. She left her job because of it. It must be terribly important to her. You called her childish and selfish. YABU.

Fwiw, I would never tolerate anyone who did that to one of my friends, let alone expect my friend to be further taunted by them at my wedding. No good friend would do that.

I think b is being unfair, since A must be a closer friend than said work colleagues.

I have been bullied a work, almost to the point of quitting, it is bloody awful. If I was told this person was going to be at a function I was attending I certainly wouldn't go.

Bride is entitled to invite who she wants, but if she is that close to A to make her Maid of Honour, she would surely know that the bullies were bad enough to make her quit her job, and therefore would know that inviting them to her wedding might make A upset.

Unless you have omitted something about A being a drama queen and the bullying not actually taking place, I think the bride (and you) are being unreasonable at being surprised and irritated by A's reaction. But if it were my close friend I would rather they share my day happy and relaxed rather than fearful of people who drove me to resign.

It is the bride's day and she can invite who she likes, indeed, but Friend A can also turn down the invitation if she likes. Neither of these actions is unreasonable, but the bride crying because A isn't coming is a bit pathetic and unreasonable. I would politely decline an invitation to a wedding if someone who I really despised was going to be there (as opposed to someone I just don't like).

I can understand Friend A being upset. Did you and the Bride not know that A was being bullied?

Was anything said at work?

At the same time, the Bride invites who she and her husband to be wish to have at the wedding. Friend A will have to put up with it.

It sounds like you and B are now bullying A.

Why don't you take A out of a coffee and listen to her. Do you have any idea what went on at her work? Maybe she has very good reasons not to want to see these people again.

Yes, it's B's wedding and she can invite who she likes. But if A is such a good friend that she is the maid of honour, then doesn't she deserve some consideration?

I assume from your use of inverted commas round the word bullying that you don't believe her (or at least think she's exaggerating).

Whyever that is I can see why she doesn't want to come. You are being pretty insensitive, if you'd been understanding and kind perhaps you could have sorted this out.

I was bullied at work. I wouldn't go anywhere that the person was going to be and I wouldn't think much of you as a friend for putting me in that position and then kicking off about my refusal to attend. If it's out prerogative to invite who you like then it's mine to say no thank you.

no, I'm not the bride! Noooo way. Just caught in between two friends.

And that's the thing, nobody else ever witnessed any of this bullying. That's why I put it in inverted commas. I want to believe her, I really do, but these other colleagues are delightful and have also been our friends for a long time. I just can't imagine them behaving as my friend said they did. She said they didn't respect her, treated her like dirt and made her feel worthless. Problem is, I think she was feeling like that anyway and imagined that they thought that about her too (her job is a lower 'rank' than everybody else's and she was always hung up on that). I tried to, gently, suggest that at the time but got nowhere and ended up just agreeing with what she said but saying that I never saw it myself.

Also, I'm not overly experienced with weddings, but surely nobody ever likes all the guests and it's easy enough not to talk to everybody. It's not like they'd go on the same table or anything!

MmeLindor, Friend A doesn't have to put up with it, she could just not go, which it sounds like what she is saying. It might depend on how she said it, but being a Maid of Honour or wedding guest is not an obligation.

OP, not liking people and feeling fearful of people who you feel bullied you and ruined you are two different things. If that's how she feels about the whole thing then maybe it's best for her if she doesn't go.

IMO the bride has three options.

1 - accept that her Maid of Honour has a good reason for pulling out of the day and give A her blessing for the sake of maintaining their friendship.

2 - Suggest that the A attends the ceremony and the reception but leaves before the evening do, to which the bullies are invited.

3 - Take a moral stand and tell the bullies that they have caused considerable distress to a close friend so she doesn't want them to attend her wedding.

Which one she does needs to be her decision but she shouldn't be dragging you into it.

I feel for A. She's lost her job and now seems in danger of losing two friends too.

Hmmm, interesting. Well thank you for making me consider the other side a bit, I hadn't really considered that A wasn't being unreasonable.

I didn't actually call her selfish and childish, I said her actions were a bit childish and selfish. But yeah ok, pretty much the same thing I suppose, I should apologise for that.

If someone bullied a good friend to the point of leaving their job then I wouldn't be friends with them so it would be a moot point as I wouldn't be inviting them anyway.

I despise bullies.

I'm not sure why her age matters - bullying is vile and being the victim of bullies is soul destroying and as an adult can feel quite shameful that you can't handle it. And now the poor woman has you and her so-called friend adding to that feeling.

YABU, and whilst the bride can invite anyone she likes, I also think that knowing that these other "friends" are bullies it's a little UR to expect her maid of honour to just put up with it.

I was bullied at work. At the time I would have felt sick at the thought of being in a room with them. Now I'm much stronger and if I was in a room with them I'd feel compelled to tell them LOUDLY what I think of them. Not sure anyone would want either response at a wedding.

I agree that we have to sometimes deal with people at weddings we don't like. I have been invited to functions with my ExH twat a couple of times. That is different to this. He was an arse but not abusive. A is saying that these people were abusive to her. And, you don't believe her. Which means you are not very good friends. No idea why she is the MOH when clearly everyone likes and trusts the colleagues more.

yes, you are right, Annie.

She can either go, and keep away from the 'bullies', or she can stay home.

But if she does not want to go then I don't think the bride should try and persuade or force her to go.

Depends. when she left her job because of bullying - how much of that was her interpretation and how much did the bride know about it and what did she do to support it ? To my mind, if I had genuinely suffered so much at the hands of colleagues at work, that I had to quit my job, then it would be very serious indeed, and couldn't conceive of the idea of being MoH to someone who hadn't intervened, and indeed remained friendly with the people. If, OTOH, it was more a personality clash or an excuse to leave a job (?) then I'd come down on the side of the bride being able to invite who she wants to her own wedding. Trouble is, 'bullying' is a much overused word, and it's difficult to judge without knowing a bit more about it. I mean, how could the friend who is the bride be friendly with people if they really had bullied another friend?

My comp is SOOOOOOOOOO slow tonight, I've cross posted with everyone. Sorry!

MrsTerrys - A is maid of honour because she is B's best friend. B likes our other colleagues but isn't that close to them. Personally, I am good friends but not best friends on a fairly equal level with all of A, B and the other colleagues. Hence my difficulty in knowing who to believe and who to support, especially over the bullying accusations.

You are as bad as the bullies of course A doesn't want to spend with the bullies staring at her.