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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family member trying to 'get off' drink driving charge.

305 replies

jeezlouize · 09/09/2012 12:03

Namechanged.

My BIL was arrested and charged with drink driving last week. He was 3 times over the limit. There has been much whispering amongst the family since, hearing dribs and drabs about what happened etc but last night everyone got together for a meal at PIL's house. The atmosphere was tense to say the least.
Halfway through the night my FIL (BIL's dad) brought up the subject of the drink driving charge and said he'd like to speak to us all about it as he had something to ask us all.
It turns out BIL has been seeing a lawyer who claims he can 'get him off' with the charge. FIL was asking if we could all chip in financially to pay for this lawyer. It would be about £500 per couple (there are 5 couples in the family).
The reason being, BIL will automatically lose his job if he loses his license. My SIL doesn't work and they have 4dc.
I am very, very angry with BIL, and frankly disgusted at this suggestion about this lawyer. It has caused some tension between me and DH (BIL's brother). This is not about the money, it's about the principle. AIBU in thinking BIL should be punished for what he's done? I'm really agonising over this as I don't want SIL and dcs to suffer.

OP posts:
Catsmamma · 09/09/2012 12:05

i hope you laughed in their faces!

Outrageous suggestion! No one is going to get off with being three times over the limit.

Sirzy · 09/09/2012 12:06

I wouldn't be paying to get him off the charge, he made the choice to drive when over the limit he has to face the consequences and I think they have a cheek asking

Original poster
jeezlouize · 09/09/2012 12:07

Yes, it seemed a bit outlandish to me too catsmamma, but allegedly this lawyer has got 2 or 3 people off due to 'technicalities' in the past year.

OP posts:
NameChangeGalore · 09/09/2012 12:07
Shock

He should have thought about his 4DC and jobless wife before getting drunk and getting in a car. Hope you're not going to chip in.

sooperdooper · 09/09/2012 12:08

God, hard one, I have no sympathy for drink drivers, he could've killed someone but I do have sympathy for your SIL & the kids, they shouldn't suffer for his actions

But asking you for money is putting you in a really difficult situation, is there no way he can work without his licence?

LaurieFairyCake · 09/09/2012 12:08
Shock

So even if the lawyer got him off your BIL doesn't want to pay for the consequences of his own action - instead he wants you all to pay.

I wouldn't even enter a discussion about that - cannot believe how bad an example that sets to all the children in the family - fair enough if there's a good legal reason that changes things but you haven't said that.

I'd have left. Totally understand why you feel bad about your SIL - if she stays with him she will probably have to go out to work while BIL looks after the children.

AKissIsNotAContract · 09/09/2012 12:08

I doubt any lawyer can 'get him off'. What does your DH think about it all?

Dropdeadfred · 09/09/2012 12:08

no way should you do this!!! can't believe he even asked! what a twat

tiktok · 09/09/2012 12:09

You are not being remotely unreasonable.

I think it is a huge cheek for your FIL to ask this of you all.

Drink driving is a horrible offence. Losing his license is not a certainty, but whatever happens, it could be the wake up call he needs to stop drinking.

If your BIL and SIL want to pay for this lawyer then this is their business, and you can't do anything about it. They should take out a loan, or arrange repayments to the lawyer over time, or otherwise sort it themselves.

Hassled · 09/09/2012 12:09

Even if you had £500 as loose change and even if you had no scruples re helping your BIL walk, I really struggle to believe any lawyer could guarantee he could get your brother off. It's not up to the lawyer - it'll be up to the magistrate. I just don't see how it could possibly be a done deal. So you could all stick in your - what - £2,500 - and your BIL could still end up losing his licence/fined/whatever.

So a) YANBU for not wanting to do this (you can all help the SIL as much as possible, give lifts etc) and b) I suspect it would be money wasted in any case.

Original poster
jeezlouize · 09/09/2012 12:10

The thing is, without sounding too judgy, this side of my family are a bit, how do you say, fly? There are always wheelings and dealings going on, I suspect there might be a bit of juggling the system iykwim? They're that sort of family. I suspect they find it easier to 'fix' a problem rather than deal with the moral or social implications of their actions Sad. I mean they're not The Sopranos or anything...

OP posts:
TinyDancingHoofer · 09/09/2012 12:11

This guy should lose his licence. He knew what he was risking when he stepped behind the wheel. If he wants to pay for some amazing lawyer then he should pay for it himself.

wheredidiputit · 09/09/2012 12:12
Shock

What happens next time (and it will as he hasn't learned yet) and he kills either his dc or someone else. Are they going ask for help then to.

They would be better off spending the money on getting help to stop drinking.

TinyDancingHoofer · 09/09/2012 12:12

Would his family be supporting him if he had knocked down a child?

hungoverandembarrassed · 09/09/2012 12:13

Hiring this lawyer in the first place is one thing, but asking everyone else to pay for it is another. Not only is bil not taking responsibility for his actions, he is not even taking financial responsibility for his defence. I understand you feel bad for his dcs, but it was him who did this to them, not you.

I too think it is very unlikely that anyone could get him off too tbh. Isn't it a mandatory ban with drink driving?

noblegiraffe · 09/09/2012 12:13

A drunk driver ran in the back of my car and wrote it off. My toddler was in the car with me.

No fucking way should you be shelling out to help him avoid the consequences of his utterly despicable actions.

Original poster
jeezlouize · 09/09/2012 12:15

The money would be payed back, I don't think there was any misunderstanding about that. The issue with that was that this lawyer wanted the money within the next week to prepare his case, court date is in 2 and a half weeks.
DH is torn. He is VERY close with his brother but is also, like me, very angry with him.

OP posts:
edam · 09/09/2012 12:16

Good grief, amazing effrontery on the part of your BIL and FIL. This is one of those issues where people really do need to face the consequences of their actions. BIL should have thought about losing his job before he decided to get behind the wheel of a car when after drinking.

LadyBeagleEyes · 09/09/2012 12:17

What does your Dh think, Op?

HenriettaChicken · 09/09/2012 12:18

At this point, you need to think about what happens if you lend it, he gets off, and then it happens again - but someone gets hurt. How would you feel about your money supporting that?

The way you've described them makes it sound as though they're not the most reflective family. If he's learnt nothing (other than how to get off on a technicality), and if his family backs him up no matter what, then where's the incentive to change his behaviour?

hungoverandembarrassed · 09/09/2012 12:18

Lawyer sounds like a bit of a cowboy tbh. Making wild promises and demanding money up front. Is he one of their dodgy mates?

Original poster
jeezlouize · 09/09/2012 12:18

For the record, I 100% agree with the point that what he did is despicable. I just wish that PIL hadn't made this into a 'family' situation. I can see it being the cause of huge divisions.

OP posts:
Sossiges · 09/09/2012 12:18

I wouldn't pay, I would tell him to take out a loan. What a bloody cheek, asking you to cough up. Also as others have said, 3x over the limit, shouldn't think he'd get off anyway (not that I think he should).

Numberlock · 09/09/2012 12:19

You say it's caused tension with your husband, is this because he wants to pay the money?

What have the other 3 couples said? My answer would have consisted of two words - the first is fuck and the second off.

Can't stop him paying a solicitor to try and get him off but I'm fucked if I'd be financing it.

As for being able to get him off the charge, I have heard of this - doesn't it hinge on the fact that the police haven't strictly followed procedures rather than the actual offence itself?

TheVaginator · 09/09/2012 12:19

You are definitely not being unreasonable for two reasons:

  1. You should be extremely sceptical about this lawyer and his claims.
  1. Your sense of justice rightly demands that he be held accountable for this, regardless of whether there is a legal technicality through which he could escape.

However, there are two other factors you should consider:

  1. How much would refusing to pay strain your relationship with DH and his family (the former obviously being the more important).
  1. How easily can you afford £500?

If the answer to those is that it would cause a huge row and you don't really need the money, it may well be best to pay and bury your justifiable resentment.