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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family member trying to 'get off' drink driving charge.

305 replies

jeezlouize · 09/09/2012 12:03

Namechanged.

My BIL was arrested and charged with drink driving last week. He was 3 times over the limit. There has been much whispering amongst the family since, hearing dribs and drabs about what happened etc but last night everyone got together for a meal at PIL's house. The atmosphere was tense to say the least.
Halfway through the night my FIL (BIL's dad) brought up the subject of the drink driving charge and said he'd like to speak to us all about it as he had something to ask us all.
It turns out BIL has been seeing a lawyer who claims he can 'get him off' with the charge. FIL was asking if we could all chip in financially to pay for this lawyer. It would be about £500 per couple (there are 5 couples in the family).
The reason being, BIL will automatically lose his job if he loses his license. My SIL doesn't work and they have 4dc.
I am very, very angry with BIL, and frankly disgusted at this suggestion about this lawyer. It has caused some tension between me and DH (BIL's brother). This is not about the money, it's about the principle. AIBU in thinking BIL should be punished for what he's done? I'm really agonising over this as I don't want SIL and dcs to suffer.

OP posts:
Sossiges · 09/09/2012 12:19

PIL are idiots for suggesting it, not your fault. Tell them to pay, if they're so keen.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 09/09/2012 12:19

hungover I think what the OP is saying is that the lawyer can get the OP's BIL acquitted on a technicality (something like (eg) the policeman didnt fill the form in properly) - i.e. he wont be guilty so the sentence will be irrelevant.

Sirzy · 09/09/2012 12:20

If he loses his job how would they pay the money back?

reasonstobecheerful · 09/09/2012 12:20

A drunk driver hit my son and his friend from behind as they were walking along on the pavement. They were lucky they were not killed.

These people have got to be bloody joking!! He drank and got in a car and drove it, the consequences of his actions are not your problem.

Lilylightfoot · 09/09/2012 12:21

If you have £500 it would better to give it SIL to help her and the children out later, if they need it.

Original poster
jeezlouize · 09/09/2012 12:21

DH is spouting 'family loyalty' blah blah blah and questioning if I'd feel differently if it was my brother. Funnily enough my brother was done with dd when he was 19 and took the punishment, as he should have. Things are very tense here today.

OP posts:
TinyDancingHoofer · 09/09/2012 12:22

If you have a spare £500 then donate to a drink driving victims charity in BILs name. When he comes round for the cheque hand him the certificate of donation.

Numberlock · 09/09/2012 12:22

Say you pay up and gets off. Two weeks, months, years later, drunk driving again, knocks someone over and kills them.

I couldn't live with that.

Tee2072 · 09/09/2012 12:22

Give the money to the wife and children instead. Let BIL get his punishment.

Much better than paying a dodgy lawyer for maybe getting him off, when he shouldn't get off at all.

ZiaMaria · 09/09/2012 12:24

I would loan him the money to pay for a defence solicitor (getting it in writing that it is a loan, nt a gift), because I think everyone should have a decent defence solicitor. If there is some reason, in law, that he should not be found guilty, he should have the ability to raise it in court. It is for the court to decide who should be punished, and your BIL will be punished if there is a valid excuse, in law, which means he is not actually commit a crime.

HOWEVER, from the sounds of it, he has no good reason, and he is likely grasping at straws. If he did get behind the wheel of a car, three times over the limit, with no valid excuse - he would be better advised to plead guilty and get the applicable reduction in penalties (which his solicitor should make clear to him).

ZiaMaria · 09/09/2012 12:24

*no valid excuse

PrimrosePath · 09/09/2012 12:24

Do you know what the other brothers and sisters think?

You could end up having to give him more like £1k and if he does lose his licence, could you really take money off a man without a job?

It depends on whether you (and your DH) are happy to help him 'get away with it' and if you can afford to write off the money.

eastendfareast · 09/09/2012 12:25

My aunt was 8 months pregnant and hit by a drink driver. Both she and the little girl died. What he did is despicable and for your family to stand by and support him is equally bad. I hope that he has the book thrown at him, despite his lawyer's 'promises'.

Original poster
jeezlouize · 09/09/2012 12:25

The thing is, SIL (his wife) is very keen on this idea too. Only me and another one of my SIL's seemed tepid about it last night. I am going to phone her for a bit of support on this, I didn't get the chance to speak to her one to one last night but I'm sure she feels the same as me.

OP posts:
CouthyMowWearingOrange · 09/09/2012 12:26

The only thing I would have said is NO. I would not be enabling anyone to ignore the consequences of their own actions.

The consequence of your BIL choosing to get in his car and drive it is to lose his license and his job. If he didn't want that to happen, then he shouldn't have driven while VERY drunk. He was 3 times over the limit. What if he had hurt someone ?!

Gay40 · 09/09/2012 12:26

It would be morally and ethically wrong to front up any money for this. If you hand over the money you are condoning his behaviour.
Best hang on to the money for your SIL.

Gay40 · 09/09/2012 12:27

Solicitor seems highly suspect too.

Tuttutitlookslikerain · 09/09/2012 12:30

I don't envy you being put in this position OP.

I wouldn't want to loan him the money. He should be punished, if he isn't he will think he can get away with it again.

If the PILs and BIL are so keen to employ this lawyer, one of the should take out a loan.

edam · 09/09/2012 12:31

Excellent point from Tee - if you can afford £500 save it to help out SIL and the kids in case he does lose his job.

WTF was he thinking, knowing his job was at risk as well as all the normal stuff about risking peoples' lives?

FriedEggsAndHam · 09/09/2012 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
jeezlouize · 09/09/2012 12:34

See, I think this is what's grating on me. Last night there was no apparent consternation, the whole conversation was focused on this idea of getting him off. Even his mum was looking at him like she felt sorry for him. There was the odd 'you're a fucking idiot' coupled with wry smiles etc but no real sense of anger or disappointment in this grown man's actions. I could barely look at him, I didn't even want to go there last night. There was a sense of 'you're a fucking idiot...for getting caught'. I'm really struggling with this.

OP posts:
EdMcDunnough · 09/09/2012 12:35

No way would I contribute to this. However if your brother wants to question your loyalty and this is important to him, you could justifiably argue for putting any spare money you have towards helping out his family when he is done for this offence, which he ought to be.

I would be more sympathetic if he had been caught unaware that he was over the limit, say the morning after a heavy night or somesuch, or if it were only a couple of notches over the limit - I think someone I knew had that once, he was one point over or something, still lost his license for 9 months.

But three times, well that's just sheer stupidity and very wrong.
Please stand by your feelings on this and be willing to help the SIL and kids in any way you can after the event...that should make your DH feel better.

Lawyer might well let them down anyway. I hate this 'I've got a mate who can get you off' shite. People like that make me want to punch something, hard.

Cheddars · 09/09/2012 12:35

For the sake of family relations I would pay the money.

Also everybody is assuming he is feeling no guilt but maybe he has learnt his lesson. He is probably very scared that he's going to lose his job, I'm sure his wife will be very angry with him.

It is up to the OP as to whether she wants to take a stand, but this could be at the expense of her family.

CailinDana · 09/09/2012 12:37

There is no way I would support a drunk driver no matter what his relationship to me. Drunk driving is not a mistake, it's deliberate and he was 3 times over the legal limit, so it wasn't just a case of accidentally having one too many. He went out, got very pissed and knowingly got in a car. I would hope he was punished as harshly as possible.

I understand you feeling very sorry for your SIL and in your position I would be happy to support her once the dust has settled. But I wouldn't bail her useless husband out, and I wouldn't have much respect for her if she stayed with him after what he did.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 09/09/2012 12:37

I couldn't do this, I couldn't support someone who behaved as he did. Family loyalty in my mind does NOT stretch this far. His behaviour in driving drunk is indefensible.

OP horrible situation for you, I really think this is a lose lose either way, I hope you can talk to your DH properly about how you feel. I do think BIL needs to realise the possible consequences of his actions, did he make any promises last night about stopping drinking, show any remorse or awareness of what COULD have happened? ( ie killing an innocent person) or was it all me, me, me, help poor little me?

IF and it's a huge IF he was suggesting getting help etc it might help me to swallow this (although actually I still don't think I could but I understand the position you are in) , but if it was all "get me off and everything's dandy" then it would totally stick in my craw to condone this selfish and utterly irresponsible behaviour.

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