To leave an 11 and 13 year old home alone over night?

[MrsKLemon]

I have a huge dilema. I have an overnight thing to go to which I thought was next friday. I'd arranged babysitters. Now I realise it's tonight. I can't get out of it without it causing a huge load of trouble and my babysitter is away this week. There is nobody else to lool after them.

They have been left home alone lots in the past, necessity as a working single mum. They are both happy left alone. They both have mobile phones. There are two house phones (upstairs and downstairs), they know the safety rules (no answering the door, telephone, no using kitchen appliances etc) and they have in the past been left home alone until 2am (accidental, car break down) and when I got home they were both fast asleep in bed. No problems.

It's a one off. AIBU to leave them alone all night? I have spoken to them about it, they're absolutely fine with it. I would have to leave at 6pm tonight and will be home about 8am.

Please don't flame me, just in a huge pickle here and looking for advice, not argument.

I live in a humble former mill town in the north west, not a large city and out of curiosity I had a search online the other week and found plenty.

Using the single mother card as an excuse to not look after your kids properly doesn't wash. (yes I am a single working mother) of course it's much harder but we still have a duty of care to our kids.

It's not something I would do.

I would do it; I would leave them in the day and if anything the night would be safer as they are likely to be in bed.

Children's services would not be terribly interested, especially as they are reasonably mature and have your number etc.

It's a moot point by now, but if it was going to be possible to get back by 8am then it would be possible to get back at the end of the night, so I would have gone for the evening, but left to get home by say midnight. Don't see how nasty work people can complain about someone not staying over: a) how would they know? and b) you've shown up at the function which was presumably what they wanted. You would have to not drink so you could drive back (not an issue for me) or get a taxi but either way it would be doable.

It wouldn't matter how 'mature' the 13 year old was I wouldn't do it. Being a single parent means lots of advanced planning and if you mess up dealing with the consequences.

Making your 13 yr old son deal with the consequences of your failure to arrange a babysitter for the correct date is pretty poor show imvho.

Re work stuff, I've refused to travel because it is not convenient to my family life (as a single parent). Work have to lump it or risk that I leave. It has never been an issue because I am upfront and clear about what I will and won't do (eg blocking out time I won't travel in our team calendar).

OP if you are so scared of your employer that you put them before your dcs then now is the time to update your CV and find another job.

hula the longest I've known her leave him (with his older siblings - oldest 13) is one 9-5 period. The overnights, now that I think about is, was once with just the oldest two. BUT they have my number and I'm a SAHM and am right opposite.

I just don't see the big deal in all of this..... I really, really don't. My DC are too young for any of this to be an issue (oldest is 5) but I hope I'll be sensible and judge it by how mature they are: There is a reason there's no hard-and-fast law about this (unlike car seats) you just have to take it on a case by case basis, I think.

Depends on the children; the neighbours; how far away you will be in the event of an emergency. If you are worried or too far way and it's an event until 8am, can't you book them a room where you are staying or sort out sleepovers?

A little bit of me would have been more confident leaving mine at 13 and 11 than at 14 and 17 - now they would be likely to have a party

OP has gone by now I guess, but I don't want to be left out!

It depends on the individual children - their ages and personalities. DS1 is 17.5 and I still hesitate to leave him home alone over night (though I have). DS2 is 12.9 and I'd actually trust him more (though I haven't). I wouldn't leave them alone together in a million years: their risk to each other is much greater than the likelihood of any stranger danger or bathroom ceiling falling down!

@flow4 You don't leave your 17.5 y.o. overnight alone? Goodness. I was up to all sorts at that age --- I don't know your son, obv. but that does seem rather over cautious!

Overcautious? Well he certainly thinks so! Cautious? I agree. However, he has >hem< Form, which is what makes me cautious! However, do note that I said "I still hesitate to leave him home alone over night (though I have)"

I am 34 - my Mum was a single working parent, and she didn't leave me home overnight until I was 15....with my 17 year old (full time employed, driving etc) brother.

Anyhoo - back to the legality parts. People who are saying there is no legal limit are totally right. It is down to the parent to decide if they feel their child is responsible enough to be left.

BUT (and it's a BIG one)

Should a parent decide to leave a child and something (such as an accident, illness, incident) bad happens the parent WILL be held responsible - because they have responsibility for their child and are therefore liable should anything happen to them whether they are there or not, unless that responsibility is transferred to another appropriate ADULT. End of story, shit bust.

It's one of those situations that is fine until it proves itself not to be - if you think your child is responsible enough, and nothing happens then you were right - they are responsible enough and everything is hunkydory. If you think your child is responsible and something happens, even if it's totally unpredicatable and an accident then you were wrong - and you're basically fucked. Because once something goes wrong and you have CHOSEN to leave your children you're heading down the failure to protect from harm/neglect path - because you have parental responsibility to protect them from harm - and you aren't doing that if you left them alone and they were harmed in your absence.

Where I am if something happened to a child under 16 and the parent was away for the night Social Services WOULD get involved. Absolutely guaranteed. In addition if a child had an accident and tipped up at the hospital in the middle of the night and the parent was away SS would be the first call the hospital would make, followed by the police. That's the procedure.

If a neighbour called SS and said two children this age had been left home alone overnight SS would undertake a check as a starting point - and if they felt, on assessment, that your children weren't responsible enough, then again, you could be in the shit.

So yes, you can leave them at that age, but you are not absolved of your responsibility and if anything happens whilst you are not there then you will be in the shit for leaving them because as a parent you are responsible for them and therefore liable for anything that happens to them - unless you leave them in the care of another adult. And even then you have responsibility for checking that adult is safe, and if you choose badly you can be held responsible for what they may do to your kids. That's parental responsibility - which in law is non-transferable even to another caregiver.

People may think that is cotton wool - but that's just how it is.

Would I do it at that age? Hell no.

Thank you Coolashmoola. I'm not talking bollocks.

Has the OP said what they are doing yet/working on? I am just really curious now... Is it a medical job where she has to cover night-shift or some kind of software release or something that must be done during the night? Why was it so vital to attend?

I've been interested in this thread because it throws up a lack of logic in my own attitude.

I have been happy to let dc walk home from school since age of 10 (health permitting), been happy to leave ds alone in the house since he was 10 or 11, even alone in the evening since he was 11- but I probably wouldn't do this one. I wonder why? As other posters have pointed out, the risk must be minimal when they are asleep in their beds.

I think my reaction probably stems from sensing that dd, at least, wouldn' have been happy about it. Which is fair enough, but didn't apply to the OPs dc.

Also, I suppose, from a feeling that I always feel less confident when I get tired towards bedtime., so I'd expect others to feel the same.

Also, perhaps that this is something so frowned on in our society that dc might feel less cared for than their mates if I did it.

Not really logical, any of it, but there you are.

I wonder what she did in the end.

Leaving kids alone is fine as long as nothing happens. It's when things go wrong that shit happens.

Think it really depends on how mature the 13yr old is. personally id never leave mine alone at those ages, but my oldest is vv naughty/challenging!

however I myself was left alone(with the dog) for a week at 11yrs and was fine looking after myself

CollegiateMum Sat 08-Sep-12 08:55:48
"I wonder what she did in the end.

Leaving kids alone is fine as long as nothing happens. It's when things go wrong that shit happens. "

Sometimes. 12yo ds dealt splendidly with an emergency involving an older sibling a few months back: reassured, assessed, rang ambulance. No repercussions from SS.

I felt a little bit guilty that no adult was at home, but then reflected that any child might be placed in the position where they had to deal with an emergency involving the parent- I could fall down the stairs or have a heart attack or bang my head on a cupboard. The fact that he knew what to do was what mattered.

I am really surprised at the volume of people adamantly against leaving children of this age alone. I am from a working class background and by thirteen, maybe a bit younger, I was babysitting other people's infants. Though I have to say I and my friend who babysat together probably were too young, but nothing bad happened. It was normal though. I was babysat by young teenagers when I was little. It was just considered normal to get young relatives to look after nieces and nephews, or to get the children of friends to do it. After all no one could afford paid childminders and maybe it was just considered something that girls did. My local school did a course on childminding for under 16's after all. I'm not making a judgement call either way. Just observing that there may be a class difference on this issue.

I also babysat for babies and toddlers from 13y but I was never left home alone overnight. And definitely not at 11y either.
But also there is no way now I would chose a 13y babysitter for my own child, either when she was little or now she is older.

i don't know any one who gets a baby sitter for a 13 year old!

And also no way I would use one from an agency on line!

It's not class, it's the times we live in. I was regularly nvernight babysitting for neighbours at the age of 12 but I wouldn't let a 12 year old do that now. I used to walk miles at the age of 5 to meet a friend to play with, but I wouldn't let my 5 year old do that now. My mum recently admitted that when I was young, a little girl had been abducted/killed by a peedo in the area but she still let me out to play on my own, as did all the villagers. Can't see that happening now, can you?

If an 11y went to school and a teacher heard they were home alone overnight they also would have to record it as an incident. Teachers would need to report it to their CPLO at the very least. In the first instance it may just be reported and monitored. I am not a 13y being left in charge would be sufficient as wouldn;t be seen as a responsibe adult. I don't think it would be taken further if a one off though, but may well be if it was a regular occurence.

I wouldn't stop my child playing out because of one incident either fire.

You are maybe right fire that it's a generation thing, 'twas quite a while ago! I do notice a lot of difference between attitudes to parenting from middle class friends to my own attitudes rooted in my own background though ( and differences in other areas of life). I do find these differences quite interesting.