To leave an 11 and 13 year old home alone over night?

[MrsKLemon]

I have a huge dilema. I have an overnight thing to go to which I thought was next friday. I'd arranged babysitters. Now I realise it's tonight. I can't get out of it without it causing a huge load of trouble and my babysitter is away this week. There is nobody else to lool after them.

They have been left home alone lots in the past, necessity as a working single mum. They are both happy left alone. They both have mobile phones. There are two house phones (upstairs and downstairs), they know the safety rules (no answering the door, telephone, no using kitchen appliances etc) and they have in the past been left home alone until 2am (accidental, car break down) and when I got home they were both fast asleep in bed. No problems.

It's a one off. AIBU to leave them alone all night? I have spoken to them about it, they're absolutely fine with it. I would have to leave at 6pm tonight and will be home about 8am.

Please don't flame me, just in a huge pickle here and looking for advice, not argument.

I won't jump on you zukie.

Your children sounds fab (not that I keep a spreadsheet, but I do recall other posts of yours) and are a credit to you.

My son has to be left for short periods, otherwise I wouldn't be able to work, and we'd lose the house.

I believe that the best way to help children become independent as they grow is to give them security, so they feel safe to go off into the world and are equipped to deal with the unexpected. There are different ways of giving them security and enabling them to deal with "stuff" though. Your ways and mine are a little different maybe on the surface, but the aim and the result is hopefully the same. :)

Zuki and Jena you both sound lovely and willing to accept others' points of view with such good grace.

Well I'll jump

Zulie, not leaving your children alone at all at any time until they are fifteen is odd and, imho, not in their best interests. That yours have turned out fine doesn't mean to say that is any less odd.

Zukie, sorry, not Zulie

No OP - don't do it. As soon as your leave the house your children will be inviting the local axe murderer over for coffee. The ceiling will collapse and your house will spontaneously combust.

Or

They'll stay up past bedtime and be tired in the morning.

Also when I was left alone for the day the toilet broke and started pissing water everywhere. I panicked. Between sobs and wails I had to phone my Dad. I stood staring at the toilet biting my fingers while I waited.

I was 22 and had a baby of my own

A year later I set the oven alight and had to phone my Dad again to ask how to put it out because it was a fat and an electrical fire and I had no sand

Until fifteen???? Why though?

I leave my 12 yr old ds to babysit my 9 and 7yr dds, ONLY for an evening and ONLY when we're 2 minutes walk up the road. All 3 are far too sensible for their own good. I think this is pretty relaxed but I wouldn't leave your two all night at those ages. Sorry

DP and I are going away next week and leaving the DC alone. I have so many what if's going round in my head.

They're 20 and 17 FFS!

I felt exactly the same the first time they walked to school on their own, the first time they made their own way home from a night out ...

Hope whatever you did in the end, everybody was happy with it OP.

D0oinMeCleanin

As a parent you go with your gut. If you are more cautious, that is fine, if you're comfortable being more relaxed, that's fine too. Only YOU as the parent can make that call, and others should lay off with the judgey comments.

i have not read all the replys. but what if some sort of harm came to the children.

Sometimes what a parent thinks is best for his/her child clearly isn't and as a society I think we should challenge dodgy parenting rather than just go along with the old "my child my choice" stuff.

OP- where are you?

Something tells me you left them anyway but were too scared to come back to the thread!

I suppose the other thing you have to think about is what if someone at the work function asks "who's got the kids for you?" and you say "Oh nobody", you might get some raised eyebrows.

Secondly, is it fair to give your 13 responsibility like that if something goes wrong? He/she will always feel it was their fault.

Thirdly, if your job is proving incompatible with your child care needs either go to HR and talk to them or look for another job. Easier said than done I know, but when it's "job or kids" and you are in the position where you have to choose job, then something is not right.

Zukiecat: You are not at all odd IMO.
That seems completely reasonable.

Being left alone isn't an essential part of growing up or gaining independence.

Thinking independently, acting calmly and logically under pressure and taking responsibility for their own actions most definitely are.

Children don't need to be left alone to learn those skills but they will stand them in good stead when they are left to cope alone when they are mature enough.

I don't think you're odd either zukiecat and I don't think it's wrong not to leave children alone until they are 15. It would only be wrong if you controlled their lives to the extent that they didn't have the skills to cope when the were left alone at 15 and I'm sure you don't do that

i do leave my children alone.. but only for 5/10 mins whilst i pop to the shop which is 10 houses away. and i have left my 15,2,9 year old alone whilst i have been to tesco. there has never been any problems but i think if something was to happen to one of them i may get done for neglect?

I think I wouldn't, even if 13 year old was the most sensible child in the world because what if, despite your precautions, there was an accident of some sort? 13 is too young to take responsibility for that.
I think it is something you can debate (I know some very sensible 13 year olds), but ultimately, I don't think you would be able to forgive yourself if something went wrong. And the authorities certainly wouldn't forgive you. It would be awful if you were caught and social services were called in.

Zookeeper, obviously we should challenge 'dodgy parenting', but there is a whole spectrum of approaches that aren't dodgy, just different parenting styles. And I think this falls into that spectrum. I wouldn't choose to leave my kids in the op's situation, but she has assessed her situation and knows her children, neighbourhood and options better than we do. So in that case, some may not approve, but she's hardly a dodgy parent for it

Op, I would leave them if they were ok with it, but wouldn't if they didn't want to be left.