Aibu re childcare comments

[sleepdodger]

Im RL and on here alot recently I've been met with gasps when people digest I work ft and then realize DS 17mo is in ft nursery for about 50hrs a week
Do people not realize what full time hours mean?
Why do people assume its ok to question 'couldn't you do pt' etc - presumably no they can't afford it or choose not to...
Often then followed by 'is he (DS) ok there' in hushed tone
Then followed by 'no family able to help?'
It's not been mentioned much until now, he's been in nursery since 10mo but it's starting to get to me a bit :-(

Yes, and some women being happy with their choices is not all women. The back to work thing is naturally more fraught for women, than men, because it usually follows many months of giving their child undivided attention during maternity leave. Most men, because they don't do pregnancy or lactation, are back after a week or two. It's not sexist. It's biology. On Mumsnet of course, the world is full of women who don't bat an eyelid at going back to work.

Birth I mean

YANBU

We obviously live in different worlds because the majority of women I know, myself included, are happy with the choices they have made. Feeling nervous about a child starting nursery or fretting about finding good childcare doesn't mean you feel guilty about going back to work, it just means that you want the best for your child within the framework of your life.

Yes, different worlds clearly!

I haven't read the other comments but to be honest it doesn't matter what other people think.

You aren't leaving your child in a cage or on the streets to fend for themselves.

I worked in a nursery for 2 years and personally we looked after the children as if they were our own families, I was only 19 when I worked there but had always been very maternal and helped to raise younger brothers and sisters.

We gave the children all the love and attention they needed whilst their mums and dad were out working. I saw it more as baby sitting. I had a few full time children get very attached to me & there was always a few painful instances when the child wouldn't want to leave me when mummy came to pick them up. This was horrendous for both me & the mum but most of them understood & actually appreciated there was somebody their child felt so comfortable and safe with.

I will say however, although all children are different I found that the children we had almost all the problems with were children that didn't start nursery until they were almost 3. They were a lot clingier, struggled more to fit in & interact with others, threw more tantrums etc and were behind in development stages in terms of writing and speech. Obviously before you jump down my throat this was not all, just some.

Just do what you think. I stopped listening to peoples opinions a long time ago as people will always disagree when it comes to parenting.

I must live in a different world too.

I actually do not know any working mothers who felt such great anguish at going back to work.
I do however know SAHM who feel the need to constantly judge others for wanting to work.
There are many working mothers who wanted to go back to work, rather than stay at home.
It's been my experience, in RL that not one working parent has felt the need to ask a SAHM why they stay at home, why they are not working, question their decisions. But there are plenty of SAHM who feel the need to judge, question, help the poor working parent.

I choose to work and tbh could not care any less what other people make of that. Clearly if you are so worried about my children, you have too much time on your hands.

Well you clearly haven't been on Mumsnet long then Tantrums, cos working Mums judge stay at home Mums on a very regular basis here!

I said my RL experience, not on mumsnet.

Let's not get into the whole working mums vs SAHM's thing.

I have been both and in RL felt judged by people for both. I don't need to work as we are fortunate enough to be very financially stable but I chose to.

When I was a SAHM I felt judged by comments like 'well it's easy when you don't work' etc.

Now I work I get the 'why did you go back to work'.

Fuck em, like someone said, if they care that much about what I'm doing they have too much time on their hands.

When your children are older and at school, confident and happy and achieving well, its you know that guilt is a totally negative and pointless thing to feel anyway (not assuming all women do feel guilty btw- I didn't . I did feel a tad anxious about how it would all work out, because when you first have a baby you can't imagine getting dressed before lunchtime.
It's like with most things, when you do it, you find you develop systems and become more streamlined and just get on with it. But guilt- nope. I expected the dcs to take a little while to settle in childcare (just as with any change, like going on holiday and staying in a new place ,going to school etc) but I never felt guilty about the fact that I continued with a part of my life which used my skills and training and added another dimension to my life. It didn't make me a less good parent in any way whatsoever- and neither it didn't affect my dh in that way either

You can't leave them in a cage??

Seriously though, in RL no-one really pays that much attention to how other people raise their children unless there are obvious child safety issues. It's like P&C parking - something to rant about online but in reality a complete non issue. Among my friends there are SAHM, WOHM, part timers and people without kids and none of them feel the need to judge each others choices.

All I can say is when you are looking at nurseries really do your research.....I don,t know how you really do that as you are not there all day unless you work or it is a co op where you can volunteer. I am sure there are some excellent nurseries as there are some excellent teachers in any school and then the average ones turning up for the pay check. I just think it matters more that very young children are with people that really care about them and enjoy being with them and looking after themmore than when they are older and they have contact with more people.
But the reality often is that since a nurseryisa business usually, the ratio ofcarerto children is less desirable than you would wish for.
My friend lasted a month working in an apparently very good nursery with a waiting list as she was shocked how little attention she was able to give the children when the other staff member left her to it whilst she attended to admin and non child related work.
I worked In a reputable nursery.i was just shocked by how most staff were just doing it for the wage and were just not that I to kids, whilst keeping them safe.now I realize this does not mean every nursery is like this but what shocks most that for the outside, these were the kind of places you would be excited to get your kids into.
If there is any possibility you can shadow a day at your child,snursery then do it as I think it is pretty unsettling that some places just may not be as rosy as you want to think they are. They are businesses and of course your child is never going to be as 'precious' to them as to you, whilst they will as a minimum keep your child safe and hopefully the good places will do far more than that.
If you have even the remotest feeling that a place is not right, move your child. My experience was enough to make me try to somehow work out being a sahm for the first few years, and other circumstances made that the right choice otherwise I would have had to find child care like most mums.
I did not feel that what I saw those kids get at the nursey i worked in, was the best for them so I am glad to hear so many on here are delighted with the nurseries they have found,because it cannot be a comfortable feeling if you do have misgivings about the choice you have made which is why we tend to embrace the path we choose and minimize or ignore any of those feelings.sahm s too of course with the less positive repercussions regarding career or sanity for those who hate it but have to do it.

My 2 went into full time childcare (nursery) from age 9months to almost 3yrs, the only reason it changed to PT childcare was I went on to FT night, which gave me a bit more flexability. I found that on the days they were home, they were really happiest when we went to toddler groups, organised clubs, and meets where there were other kids to play with, and then went into full time school without a care in the world, as they are both social little chaps from an early age. They are now 11, and last term did a project on "Who I am" and both wrote about how much they enjoyed both nursery and things when they were young, so it obviously did not damage them at all!

Apologies for ruling out the cage as a childcare option.

I don't mean to judge other parenting styles, I just prefer the Harry Potter - cupboard under the stairs approach.

Damn, wish I'd thought of under the stairs- would have worked out a hell of a lot cheaper than nursery...

I keep mine in the fridge. They stay fresher that way.

AnnieLobeseder Love that

- Annie!

I have not read the whole thread, but both mine were in nursery from 6 months. It was through necessity, and when DC3 is born, hopefully I will be able to drop my hours as our circumstances have changed. I am very happy with the care they receive. I have never had anyone openly judge me, except MIL, who frankly doesn't count. My children are well rounded, sociable confident happy children, and know who mummy is. If I could have been a SAHM I would have been, but for selfish reasons.

As a child I remember being utterly terrified on my first day of school, and being utterly bereft if I could not see my mum. My children will not feel this.

sleepdodger- whatever you do there will always be someone who questions it

sahm get asked why they dont work/contribute/live off benefits instead get a job

working mums get asked why have children if you never see them

im a nanny and my ex ex mb worked long hours, loved her kids, but needed that extra bit more and tbh was a better mum for working

babies/toddlers dont care who looks after them as long as they are loved cared and nurtured, played with , fed etc

i think 7+yrs begrudge their parents working more as reliese thay are not about, unlike younger children iyswim

the boss i mention did less hours when kids were older and at school

50 hrs is a lot but i know many nannies who work 7-7 so 60hr weeks and often wake up and put to bed their charges

least in a nursery you will see your child as you pick them up/put them to bed

what matters is YOU are happy that you work and with your childcare choice

and yes dads NEVER get asked why they go back to working 14+hr days or made to feel guilty/never turn up at sports day etc

Whatever you do will be wrong in somebodies eyes be confident in your choices and sod them.

sports day?i dont do sports day
guilt i dont do guilt
cage?yes tell me more