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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu re childcare comments

359 replies

sleepdodger · 01/09/2012 01:17

Im RL and on here alot recently I've been met with gasps when people digest I work ft and then realize DS 17mo is in ft nursery for about 50hrs a week
Do people not realize what full time hours mean?
Why do people assume its ok to question 'couldn't you do pt' etc - presumably no they can't afford it or choose not to...
Often then followed by 'is he (DS) ok there' in hushed tone
Then followed by 'no family able to help?'
It's not been mentioned much until now, he's been in nursery since 10mo but it's starting to get to me a bit :-(

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 02/09/2012 16:03

of course ive had the precious moments comment.the head inclined,the repetition of Work Fulltime.F-u-l-l-t-i-m-e..fu..fu..fulltime?!
i love the precious moments crew,they remind me why i work fulltime.
as i dont want to be a mummy martyr like them. i dont want to start sentences with I used to...

4ducks · 02/09/2012 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 02/09/2012 16:08

shucks is that sarcasm i detect
tsk
the wee humphy face always a clue

AgentZigzag · 02/09/2012 16:12

'I doubt anyone has to use a childcare setting they're unhappy with in the long term.'

I wonder how much of that could be caused by mums/MILs looking after them? (which I think someone mentioned earlier?)

Faaamily doing the childcare does seem to be judged differently, maybe better for some because it's someone they know and trust, but worse in that you haven't got the same professional relationship you'd have with a nursery/childminder (ie it's more difficult to say when you're unhappy with something).

AgentZigzag · 02/09/2012 16:15

I live to see 'wee humphy face' and 'creepy wee brackets' used by you SM Grin

I have a unstimulating and unfulfilled life.

janey68 · 02/09/2012 16:21

It's an interesting question AgentZigzag, and I think it's the choice aspect which it comes down to, rather than any one particular childcare setup being inherently good or bad. If you are restricted by cost in your decisions about childcare, then you may strike lucky or you may not. And as you rightly say, when you have a set-up where granny is minding the kids for free, then it becomes far more difficult to speak up about any issues which may not be as you want them.

It's not that different to schools really. If you have the option to afford to pay, or to move into a 'better' catchment area, then you are empowered in a way which other people aren't. Having said that, I think it's so important not to assume that more expensive = 'better'. I rejected one Ofsted 'outstanding' nursery as I didn't think the routine of the day would suit my children. Likewise, glossy facilities in a private school doesn't necessarily mean more inspiring teaching.

But definitely the more choices people have, the stronger position they are in.

catwoo · 02/09/2012 16:27

read this

AnnieLobeseder · 02/09/2012 16:28

Now see, I don't think I'd use family as an option unless I absolutely couldn't afford to pay, quite simply because, as you say, you can't really when you're unhappy about something. Especially if it's your in-laws, and you don't have the best relationship with them. I'd rather use a qualified professional any day of the week!! But then again, I don't have a sister, wouldn't let my mum near my kids long-term and DH's family are all abroad. I probably would have let me MIL look after them, cos she was just about the most awesome woman I've ever met. I miss her. Sad

AgentZigzag · 02/09/2012 16:29

I wonder how much can be hidden behind the veneer of being expensive childcare janey?

It would be easy to feel reassured that because you pay them shedloads for looking after your DC then they must be doing a good job, so you don't ask the questions you would otherwise.

And then you get people like vanessa george making the whole situation even more of a minefield of what and who to trust.

scottishmummy · 02/09/2012 16:30

oh keep up biddulph has had mention
us slammers love biddulph
and the tambourine playing devotees

janey68 · 02/09/2012 16:38

Oh absolutely agentzigzag - in fact we have several couples among our circle who send their kids to a local private school which I wouldn't go near precisely because of the reasons you state - to my mind they're paying for shiny facilities and mediocre teaching. They know we choose not to make the same decision for our kids - but we don't delight in telling them we think they are wrong - because at the end of the day it's their family. And the chances are their kids will be fine anyway.

Ah Biddulph - now he gives strength to the pro-nursery brigade; he writes such utter discredited bullshit that anyone with a few brain cells will do the opposite of what he expounds!! Smile

scottishmummy · 02/09/2012 16:43

biddulph and OJ they positively propel one into nursery
as their "research" is so dripping in cliché and for the love of the children sentimentality
i always love when biddulph and/or oj get trotted out as if reliable fact

WipsGlitter · 02/09/2012 16:44

Look, if you lined up all the kids you know do you think you could honestly tell who been in Childcare and who hadn't? Raising happy, fulfilled children who are eager and able takes a whole mix of things - for example educational attainment of mothers is a key factor (eppni study), as well as being read to, being able to socialise, know how to take turns etc.

Crap child care is crap - but a poor daycare nursery, an overwrought childminder or an indifferent parent could all constitute crap. All sahm are not super parents, staying at home doesn't equate to being able to raise a child well. Similarly all parents who work are not thoughtless bastards who don't care about their children.

AgentZigzag · 02/09/2012 16:53

That's it Wips, most parents are just trying to steer their lives/children through stormy waters, blindfolded and only partially informed, and usually by pure chance end up with similar results.

But then there'd be no need to make any decisions if that were the case, may as well pick what you're going to do out of a hat.

Swings, roundabouts and vicious circles, how can you pin the fucker down?

marcopront · 02/09/2012 18:00

I would love to see research which compared the child of the working parent who used high quality childcare with the child of the SAHM who drank all day and didn't show any interest in the child.

Everyone should do what is best for them and their child. There is no one correct answer.

Born2bemild · 02/09/2012 18:44

The poor OP did not even ask if SWBU to work f/t. She wanted to know if it was reasonable for people to pass comment and criticise. Which it is not.

ssd · 02/09/2012 18:52

just seen my last post deleted, wondered why janey didnt reply, easier to hit the report button I guess

prettybird · 02/09/2012 19:59

Never felt guilty about going back to work full time when ds was 4 months old.

Never felt guilty about putting ds into childminder-come-nursery (3 of them doing it, so could take more children than the norm for childminders).

Have a lovely well adjusted just-about 12 year old well, he is to everyone else Wink - who loves us, has a good circle of friends and is doing well at school.

Fortunately never came across anyone who dared was rude enough to comment. :)

Next! Grin

shesariver · 03/09/2012 08:56

I don't know. I'm not a psychologist, but I'd hazard a guess that banging on and on and on about how fine you are about something on Mumsnet betrays a certain level of resentment, if not guilt.

Love the assumptions here, one of which is a working Mum always feel some degree of guilt. Not me, always knew I would go back to work full-time as I earned more than DH and planned to use nursery or child-minder like I had did in the past. Only things didnt work out like that and my DH became a SAHD and loved it - so much so 4 years later he is a male child-minder himself.

If people "bang on" it will be frustration no doubt at some people not listening and making the classic "well I would feel guilty so everyone must think like me" nonsense.

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 03/09/2012 10:15

Love the assumptions here, one of which is a working Mum always feel some degree of guilt

YY. I have been asked by various people "ooooh, are you missing DD so much now, being back at work" and the looks I get when I say no.

I know she is happy, safe, cared for, loved and having a whale of a time at the CMs. I think about her once, maybe twice, during my working day in a "oooh, I hope she is having fun" sort of way, and I get a little flutter of excitement in the car on the way home in anticipation of seeing her soon, but I don't pine for her.

Of course, this means I should be put in stocks in the town square and have rotting vegetables thrown at me Grin

autumnlights12 · 03/09/2012 10:23

you only have to look at the back to work forum to see that it's not unusual for women to feel guilt or concern or worry about returning to work, and the daycare they've chosen.

janey68 · 03/09/2012 10:31

I think it's quite normal to worry before returning... I know I couldn't get my head round how I'd get to nursery before 8 in the morning and fit everything in, and how dd would settle etc... Once I was back, I realised everything was fine.

EnglishGirlApproximately · 03/09/2012 10:32

The back to work forum shows that those women feel some guilt. There are thousands of others who are perfectly happy with their choices.

prettybird · 03/09/2012 10:32

Basic logic: some women feeling guilty is not the same as all women.

GetOrfAKAMrsUsainBolt · 03/09/2012 10:57

I think it was almost easier in the bad old days of the mid-90s when maternity leave was just 18 weeks. If people went back to work they generally went back at 3 months after borth (because you had to take 6 weeks off before borth) and went back full time because it was very rare to be granted pt hours on request.

So I went back when dd was 3 months. I had to - there was nobody else to pay the bills, what was my alternative? A life on benefits? I used a childminder (as I didn't like the one nursery available) and she is lovely, and is still in contact with dd to this day. And dd - 17 in a few months - is a lovely, well adjusted and happy girl and we are extremely close despite my having worked ft all her life. And because I am now at a senior level I have a lot of flexibility with my work and can be at home with her more when she really needs me - during her teenage years.

But people do love to judge. Just realise that as long as you and your child are happy their opinion doesn't matter.