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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have found this rude?

189 replies

gladders · 31/08/2012 15:33

So -got home from work at hald 7 yesterday and started to get dinner ready for us and the PIL. MIL came into the kitchen to tell me that they didn't need any food as they had just had a sandwich.

I had bought stuff that had to be prepared then - ie it was not freezable. Them not eating their portions means it will go to waste.

I got quite cross with her and eventually she did apologise 'for the misunderstanding' which I find irritating. There was no minsunderstanding, they are staying at my house and chose to not follow the convention of eating what your host prepares when they prepare it.

The resolution they suggested is that we now need to discuss who's eating what and when every morning. Not ideal as I food shop on the internet so plan menus in advance, but apparently this is the solution.

OP posts:

youonlysingwhenyourewinning · 01/09/2012 10:46

Okay, to sum up:

DC eat dinner at around 5.30.

You and dh eat dinner around 8.30.

IL's have come to stay with you to offer free childcare and enjoy spending time with their grandchildren.

IL's know the food arrangement and usually eat late with you and dh.

On this occasion, IL's were particularly hungry and helped themselves to a sandwich, using their own meat filling.

IL's informed you of this, probably to stop you wasting your own food by preparing more for them [disclaimer: the second part of this sentence is guesswork]

You deem the food wasted anyway as it not freezable.

You believe IL's are rude because although you are happy for them to help themselves to food if they should they get hungry, on this occasion they should have remained hungry so as not to waste your food.

Is this accurate?

If so, can I just ask are there other issues generally with IL's, as although I might be a bit disappointed that the food hasn't been eaten, its not really something I could get myself terribly worked up about and I'm an antsy cow who can get worked up about the smallest of things

bionicmummy · 01/09/2012 11:05

half seven is way too late to be having a meal, especially if you are a child.

YABU

Can I have your mother in law?

bionicmummy · 01/09/2012 11:06

oh you meant you and your ILs.

Still too late and yabu

almapudden · 01/09/2012 11:11

I am genuinely at all the people who think eating at 7.30 constitutes a late meal.

Wallace · 01/09/2012 11:43

Shutupanddrive "Where does it say MIL fed DC turps?"

Now that would be cause for complaint

HeathRobinson · 01/09/2012 12:36

Zara1984 - it doesn't save the op any money as she's already paid childcare for the whole summer. She is being nice to the gps by letting them look after dcs, not them helping her.

gladders - it may be that the gps can't manage a big evening meal every day. I know I'm finding as I get older that it's nicer to have something small.

Original poster

gladders · 01/09/2012 17:46

thank you to the people who managed to read all of the facts.

I am genuinely surrised by the MN verdict. I realise I did over-react but felt that I was on safe ground in thinking that their behavious was rude. Clearly I was wrong. MIL has come up with the solution which will work for her going forward and I will abide by that.

I am also genuinely surprised by the number of people who consider eating half 8 as too late. As a couple, DH and I have always eaten at that time. We both commute and there is no way to eat earlier. We do not do it to cheese anyone off.

OP posts:

Shutupanddrive · 01/09/2012 18:20

@ wallace

Shutupanddrive · 01/09/2012 18:21

@ wallace

LadyMargolotta · 01/09/2012 18:24

Gladders what we consider rude/impolite is generally decided very early on in our upbringing. You say that your mother wouldn't dream of doing what your pils did - and she is your frame of reference for what you consider good behaviour.

This is the same for all of us, and this is why so many people (myself included) find it so hard to get on with our in laws.

It does seem that most of us don't consider what your in laws did to be rude, and as you say you will just have to try and accept that.

But please don't harbour a grudge against your in laws because of this silly incident because you are clearly still not happy about it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/09/2012 19:02

"thank you to the people who managed to read all of the facts."
Teensy bit passive aggressive there gladders?

"I am also genuinely surprised by the number of people who consider eating half 8 as too late. As a couple, DH and I have always eaten at that time. We both commute and there is no way to eat earlier. We do not do it to cheese anyone off."
Nobody thinks you do it to cheese anyone off. It's kind of inevitable given your commute - I've lived that way myself, in the past. But, assuming your PIL usually eat about 7pm; how would you feel about not eating until 10pm if you were staying with family who routinely ate at that time? Do you think you'd be starving by then? Or maybe your stomach would have given up by then and you'd have no appetite? Would your body be crying out to eat at your usual mealtime, maybe making you feel unwell or faint? Would you feel tired through a lack of blood sugar? I am asking because I have detected not one shred of empathy, no inkling of looking at this matter from your PIL's point of view from any of your posts. Several posters have pointed up your inflexibility. It might be worth pondering on why that might be, gladders.

Original poster

gladders · 01/09/2012 19:12

sigh - I did say that I understood I had overreacted and that I get it now that this is not generally perceived as being rude.

I'm not being passive aggressive to anyone - on here or in RL. My comment reflected I am getting comments even at this point that shows people have not read beyond my first post.

PIL have always eaten with us before and I had no reason to believe that half 8 was unacceptable to them. It may be later than they usually eat but as I said, there are plenty of snacks to help themselves to and this has always worked fine before.

When we are at their house sometimes they skip lunch and then have an enormous meal at about half 2. I am ready to chew my arm off by that point but I go with it - it's what works for them on that particular day.

OP posts:

Original poster

gladders · 01/09/2012 19:14

agree it is a silly incident. it has not been blown out of proportion in RL - it has blown over. I just wanted a sense check on here.

I need to mull over what I want to do - I may send MIL a card of apology. I may just leave it a little while before seeing them again.

OP posts:

LadyMargolotta · 01/09/2012 19:21

If it has not been blown out of proportion in real life, then why would you need to send a card as an apology?

ovenchips · 01/09/2012 19:26

YANBU to feel a bit irritated that they'd decided to feed themselves when that has never happened before and you've dashed in to cook for everyone.

But honestly YABU to think this irritation is worthy of more than a couple of minutes' mental grumping. Please don't waste your energy on this. It happened, it irritated, it's over.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 01/09/2012 20:25

Why don't you send them a nice card thanking them for their visit and saying that you hope to see them soon with a PS sorry for overreacting about dinner on Thursday.

InkyBinky · 01/09/2012 20:39

theoriginalandbestrookie has an excellent suggestion. I bet they will understand and appriciate the 'gentle' apology. I bet you will feel happier too.

(Half of my family is Spanish and they all eat at nine or ten, along with most Spaniards and Greeks and Italians....etc etc. It's just what you are used to.)

ladymariner · 01/09/2012 22:10

Why leave it a little while before seeing them again? All that will do is drag it out even further, unless that is what you want to do, of course. Are you hoping that by doing that Mil will see the error of her ways........

Why not just accept you overreacted, as you say you have, and continue life as normal? Personally, I think original had the best idea, but I somehow don't think you do.

Original poster

gladders · 02/09/2012 10:00

wow. am glad some people know the minutae of my life so well that they can continue to criticise me even when I have admitted that I have been wrong. They live the other end of the country from us and we don't see them that regularly - I'm just wondering if the next visit should be dh and kids without me (as it sometimes is).

the situation bubbled up and fizzled out here. All I wanted to do on here was to get an independent opinion and I got it.

I do think the idea of sending a card is a good one - hence the reason I suggested it. Am going to mull the wording over.

OP posts:

firemansamisnormansdad · 02/09/2012 13:40

Gladders, maybe they just don't like your cooking.

lljkk · 02/09/2012 14:12

I would have eaten it for breakfast the next morning, or integrated it into the next evening's meals (no need for everyone to have exactly the same). I can understand being mildly irked, but the rest sounds like poor house-husbandry.

HellonHeels · 02/09/2012 14:35

I'm amazed at the people saying 7.30 - 8.30 is too late for dinner. I'm often not even home from work until after 7pm. If I'm cooking from scratch, dinner wouldn't be ready until 8. Can't see the problem with that.

Proudnscary · 02/09/2012 15:08

Gladders I think sending a card is a good idea. I do strongly feel you were the one in the wrong to get arsey with MIL, even though I appreciate you were frazzled and annoyed with the whole sitch.

As for whether 7.3pm is late or early for dinner - talk about a non issue. Different families, different schedules!! Is it really a talking point?

BlackTieNTails · 02/09/2012 15:15

i feel sorry for poor inlaws who cant do right for doing wrong :(

valiumredhead · 02/09/2012 15:20

Why couldn't the soup go in the fridge for the next day, it would've been fine!

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