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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have found this rude?

189 replies

gladders · 31/08/2012 15:33

So -got home from work at hald 7 yesterday and started to get dinner ready for us and the PIL. MIL came into the kitchen to tell me that they didn't need any food as they had just had a sandwich.

I had bought stuff that had to be prepared then - ie it was not freezable. Them not eating their portions means it will go to waste.

I got quite cross with her and eventually she did apologise 'for the misunderstanding' which I find irritating. There was no minsunderstanding, they are staying at my house and chose to not follow the convention of eating what your host prepares when they prepare it.

The resolution they suggested is that we now need to discuss who's eating what and when every morning. Not ideal as I food shop on the internet so plan menus in advance, but apparently this is the solution.

OP posts:
NCForNow · 31/08/2012 16:17

YABVU
I eat much earlier than you and I would have a sandwich or offer to cook th meal and warm yours up for you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/08/2012 16:18

gladders, you normally eat at 8.30pm - what time would they normally eat when in their own home?

BackforGood · 31/08/2012 16:18

This is about what your body is used to. We normally eat around 5.30 / 5.45 - there's no way in the world I could wait until after 8 to eat without feeling yuck. It seems to make even more sense to eat early, if they are preparing tea for the children.
Seems a lot of fuss and bother about a bit of food tbh.

EverybodysDoeEyed · 31/08/2012 16:19

If the dish had been free able would you have been so pissed off?

Original poster
gladders · 31/08/2012 16:20

SO IABU to eat at half 8? How can I eat earlier? I normally spend the hour from 7 til 8 putting the kids to bed.

The plan is to discuss food every morning every time they visit now apparently. I just think that sounds tedious.

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 31/08/2012 16:20

You know, maybe this is a roundabout compliment to you op. Perhaps they don't feel like guests in your home, they feel comfortable enough to do their own thing and reckon (ok, mistakenly as it turns out) that you are a go with the flow person about these things.

Or maybe they looked in the fridge and thought, 'heck, not enough prawns in there for four of us, we'll eat early and leave it all for dh and dil' Grin

EverybodysDoeEyed · 31/08/2012 16:21

That should say freezable!!

slartybartfast · 31/08/2012 16:21

they will probably be hungry by the time you eat .
i spect they probably wanted to use up their chicken.

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 31/08/2012 16:23

They've just said that though as you hit grumpy. Did they know you were cooking the prawn thingy at 8?

I don't think it's rude if they said they did t want any before you started cooking. They probably thought it was better than letting you cook it all and wasting some.

If they are only down for 2 nights how tedious can it be?

poopadoop · 31/08/2012 16:23

YABU - maybe they wanted to eat with your dcs as in have a family tea? or maybe they thought when you said about sandwiches you meant them as well? Hardly the end of the world, they're helping you out!

Original poster
gladders · 31/08/2012 16:23

I would still have been cheesed off the food had been freezable. They know we eat at half 8 and it has never been a problem for them before.

They do eat earlier when they are at home, but have always fitted in with us before.

Am genuionely surprised that very few people agree with me in thinking it is rude to do this in someone else's house. WIBU to not eat with them at half 6 in their house because I'm not actually hungry yet?

OP posts:
Bluefrogs · 31/08/2012 16:23

Where do you live?I'm feeling really unwell today and the thought of cooking isn't great-I'll have the food if no one bloody wants it

Cynner · 31/08/2012 16:24

I would never be cross with guests who were hungry and helped themselves to a sandwich. If I am hosting, I want my guests to be as comfortable as possible.

Original poster
gladders · 31/08/2012 16:24

no- they want to plan the food every morning every time they visit in the future. for ever.

OP posts:
JamieandOscarSittinginATree · 31/08/2012 16:25

Well you obviously feel how you feel, but I'm struggling to see it as rude. In fact you could easily, if you chose to, see it as them wishing to save you the work of preparing food for them. It's the sort of thing my parents would do, and they are lovely and thoughtful.

I have noticed though, on MN that some people invest a lot emotionally in food - for example, getting really upset if someone doesn't like a food that they have prepared. I'm not like that myself. I wonder if you are OP?

perfumedlife · 31/08/2012 16:25

Well it is a bit rude if you are a proper guest but they are family and they are looking after the kids so they probably felt at home enough to eat when hungry and leave more for you and dh.

Do you get on with them well normally?

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 31/08/2012 16:25

I wouldn't be mortally wounded if you said you werent hungry as you normally eat later.

They are not dinner party guests see, they are family staying and I would want them to feel at home.

Original poster
gladders · 31/08/2012 16:26

I am fine with them helping themselves to snacks. Of course, they are my PIL.

they did not eat with the kids - they fed the kids at half 5 and then fed themselves at 7. they were surprised I had not assumed they would do this - when they have never done it before.

OP posts:
PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 31/08/2012 16:27

Depends how cross you were with them.

Surely it's better to make absolutely sure you all know what's happening than get in another tizz?

JamieandOscarSittinginATree · 31/08/2012 16:27

Also, perhaps they were just hungry and decided to eat with the children to keep them company.

NovackNGood · 31/08/2012 16:27

Would you feel the same if it was your mother and not the MIL?

EverybodysDoeEyed · 31/08/2012 16:27

My mil eats breakfast at 10.30, no lunch, afternoon cake and then a late dinner. When she comes she expects to follow that routine.

As she is my guest I accommodate it (so we will get cakes) but we also eat lunch. Dinner is moved later so it is a compromise.

With the in laws I always try and take a step back. They don't do things the way my family do things and I do have to remind myself that I can't punish hem for that!

I would imagine that they wanted to save you a job as you had been at work all day. I'm sure they didn't imagine how cross you would be.

Cynner · 31/08/2012 16:28

OP..are you angry that not everyone agrees with your upset at you PILs? Surely, you understand that we all have different ideas about what constitutes good hosting manners..

JamieandOscarSittinginATree · 31/08/2012 16:28

Xpost

If it's out of character for them and you get on well, it's pointless to waste energy assuming rudeness where none was intended.

Original poster
gladders · 31/08/2012 16:28

I wouldn't say I invest emotionally in food no!

I just plan menus that I think my guests will like and enjoy preparing food for them.

No guest has ever turned round to me at half 7 and told me they have already eaten.

They did not save me any work - I cook for dh and me every night anyway. and they know that.

OP posts: