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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have found this rude?

189 replies

gladders · 31/08/2012 15:33

So -got home from work at hald 7 yesterday and started to get dinner ready for us and the PIL. MIL came into the kitchen to tell me that they didn't need any food as they had just had a sandwich.

I had bought stuff that had to be prepared then - ie it was not freezable. Them not eating their portions means it will go to waste.

I got quite cross with her and eventually she did apologise 'for the misunderstanding' which I find irritating. There was no minsunderstanding, they are staying at my house and chose to not follow the convention of eating what your host prepares when they prepare it.

The resolution they suggested is that we now need to discuss who's eating what and when every morning. Not ideal as I food shop on the internet so plan menus in advance, but apparently this is the solution.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 31/08/2012 16:28

I really cant see this as rude.

If they turned up for a pre planned evening dinner announcing they got a sandwich on the way then yes that would be rude, but they were there all day.

DowntonOut · 31/08/2012 16:29

I would hate it if my PIL or parents felt they had to act as "guests" in my home, especially when caring for my children. They should be able to make themselves at home. Yes, there should have been better communication about eating what and when, but YABU to be so annoyed you started a thread.

And it works both ways. As a host (if it was that formal), I'd be falling over myself to make sure my guests were not hungry. If they were used to eating earlier, I'd try to accommodate that.

EverybodysDoeEyed · 31/08/2012 16:29

It also sound like you were really pissed off with her and they suggested agreeing meals in advance because she doesn't want to face that again!!

theoriginalandbestrookie · 31/08/2012 16:30

Not sure how best to put this OP but you sound a wee bit inflexible.

The GPs did something you didn't like about food so to avoid any future problems they have suggested that you discuss what is planned for dinner in the morning. It sounds imminently sensible to me. Whereas your solution is that they eat exactly what you want them to when you want them to.

Fine if they are true guests in the sense that they spend the day sight seeing or whatever but when they are looking after your DCs perhaps they got hungry when making their tea or and I think more likely, didn't like the look of what you planned to cook, or alternatively couldn't be bothered praising you for your lovely cooking when they were tired after spending the day looking after your DCs. Or maybe they were tired looking after the DCs and wanted an early night, but not indigestion from eating late.

When my parents come, they always bring lunch with them for us all, bugs me to hell ( and DH worse so) as DM doesn't eat much fat so they customise recipes ( I have told her not to say that she is using my recipe for chicken as she has made it practically inedible by substituting low fat yoghurt for cream) and also have ridiculously small portions because they don't eat so much.

But they always suggest bringing it and I think Mum feels because I work she is helping out by me not having to prepare a meal so I don't say anything because I think it would upset her.

EverybodysDoeEyed · 31/08/2012 16:31

But your mil may have thought you would go to extra effort to make something special when ordinarily you and dh would have something simple

Original poster
gladders · 31/08/2012 16:32

OK - IABU.

Agreeing meals in advance is not something I have to do with any of my other visitors, but hey ho. I resent the idea that my hosting is substandard - they are always welcome to anything from the fridge.

If my mother were in a position to look after my children (she isn't as she is ill) then she would not do this.

OP posts:
LadyMargolotta · 31/08/2012 16:32

You may find it tedious, but many practical things in life are tedious, and if this avoids what you (and you alone) considers rude behaviour (and they consider a misunderstanding), then you just have to go along with it.

What they are suggesting is not unusual at all - I do that with my parents, and with my pil whenever I stay with them.

LadyMargolotta · 31/08/2012 16:33

How have they suggested that your hosting is substandard?

IawnCont · 31/08/2012 16:33

I think you're being very very unreasonable, sorry. They came over to babysit. They made food for your children. No doubt they thought they'd spare you the hassle of cooking for them after a day at work. And then you come home and get cross? Your poor PIL.

EverybodysDoeEyed · 31/08/2012 16:34

We have a lot of people visit from overseas who spend their time seeing the sights. I always ask if they will be having dinner with us and what time they will be home so I can cook for then. It maybe they want to eat out.

I don't want them feel like they are in a day release prison!

Original poster
gladders · 31/08/2012 16:35

I get it- am a complete cow for inviting PIL down to spend time with my kids. they are always saking to come down.

I am a cow for plannign nice food and then being miffed when I am told they don't want it.

I am a cow for eating at half 8 as that is ridiculously late.

I'm off.

OP posts:
Pooka · 31/08/2012 16:35

I rather think that you've brought the tedium of discussing food each morning they visit for ever and ever on yourself!

I really don't think it's on to get "quite cross" with them for having a sandwich at 7 rate than waiting to eat at 8. Saying that, I could have managed both - the noodle thing sounds delish. :)

LadyMargolotta · 31/08/2012 16:36

Now you're just being stroppy.

OhDearNigel · 31/08/2012 16:36

How bizarre. Why do you not just cook it for dinner tonight ? Rice noodles freeze, you can freeze the prawns and just use the chinese veg as a side dish. I agree with the poster above that you sound incredibly inflexible.

You'd have a fit if you lived in my house, I never know at the beginning of the day how many people I'm cooking for or whether I'm cooking at all.

InkyBinky · 31/08/2012 16:36

It wouldn't have bothered me TBH and, surely, the food can be refrigerated for a day or so. I dont think it was rude. Maybe they were feeling extra hungry from looking after your DC's and I am sure you wouldn't have wanted them to be hungry.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/08/2012 16:36

TBH gladders, you are the one starting to sound a bit rude. Or at the very least, rather abrupt and overbearing.

You are their host. And frankly, you are being a less than gracious host. Hosts try to make their guests feel comfortable. You know that your guests usually eat far earlier than 8.30, so it would be reasonable to think that they would be very hungry waiting until that time to eat. A gracious host would therefore put their guests at ease by insisting that they do not wait for your return but instead go ahead and eat earlier; that you, the host, have either shopped at M&S or prepared something that they can just pop in the oven when they want to eat, and you will see them when you get home.

"they are staying at my house and chose to not follow the convention of eating what your host prepares when they prepare it."
I think you'll find that if such a convention exists, then it is the convention that the host looks after the guests.

JamieandOscarSittinginATree · 31/08/2012 16:36

I'm sorry about your mum. I think there's often so much less scope for misunderstanding with our own parents than with PIL, because our parents know us better .OTOH, when parents piss us off it's more likely to be deliberate!

IawnCont · 31/08/2012 16:37

You're not a cow for inviting PIL. You're not a cow for eating when you're hungry. You're not a cow at all. But you are unreasonable to get cross with people who are trying to be helpful and are doing you a massive favour.

OhDearNigel · 31/08/2012 16:37

The plan is to discuss food every morning every time they visit now apparently. I just think that sounds tedious

"We are having shepherd's pie for dinner tonight. Are you going to eat with us ?"

"Yes"
"No"

Really, really tedious Hmm

JamieandOscarSittinginATree · 31/08/2012 16:37

gladders

calm down. You sound very upset and it can't just be about this. No one thinks you are a cow, they just think you are over-reacting.

Pooka · 31/08/2012 16:38

And re the eating time - I don't generally eat until after 8pm. Sometimes I have something with the dcs at 6ish. But most of the time I'll eat later on, once kids are in bed.

That's pretty normal for round here, and in my family (I.e. when I was little that's the way it worked - a sort of high tea for the kids and supper for adults.

nutellaontoast · 31/08/2012 16:39

I don't see it as particularly bad manners to not be hungry..... but it is bad manners to go off the deep end because a guest doesn't want to eat. It's your house, you're in a position of power, and making your PIL feel like crap because they had disobeyed your rules or whatever - in this really very minor way - is very odd tbh. Are you under a lot of stress of something?

JamieandOscarSittinginATree · 31/08/2012 16:41

I think the OP sounds stressed after work and with an ill mum. Just don't take it out on us (or your PIL)

Bluefrogs · 31/08/2012 16:43

So I can't have your noodle soup then?
What a fucking waste

QuintessentialShadows · 31/08/2012 16:43

Why could you not just shrug, postpone the prawn noodles until the next day, and just throw something else on for you and your dh to eat, if you were not going to cook their potions anyway? You might as well eaten something else then, and cooked the noodles another day?