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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have found this rude?

189 replies

gladders · 31/08/2012 15:33

So -got home from work at hald 7 yesterday and started to get dinner ready for us and the PIL. MIL came into the kitchen to tell me that they didn't need any food as they had just had a sandwich.

I had bought stuff that had to be prepared then - ie it was not freezable. Them not eating their portions means it will go to waste.

I got quite cross with her and eventually she did apologise 'for the misunderstanding' which I find irritating. There was no minsunderstanding, they are staying at my house and chose to not follow the convention of eating what your host prepares when they prepare it.

The resolution they suggested is that we now need to discuss who's eating what and when every morning. Not ideal as I food shop on the internet so plan menus in advance, but apparently this is the solution.

OP posts:
slartybartfast · 31/08/2012 16:43

i think it might react as op and be annoyed. but op, you have learnt now. just ask them when you do your meal plan, not hard.or on the day. or perhaps they would like to take turns cooking?
perhaps they were just hungry. it is not a big deal.

EverybodysDoeEyed · 31/08/2012 16:44

We all do things differently. How you host is perfectly fine - but you have to accept that not every guest will know how you expect them to behave.
The first few times my mil stayed I was ready to kick her out as she just sat through lunch doing her crossword. I never said anything to her because she was a guest but my dh got to hear about how rude I thought she was!

It took me a couple of visits to learn to shrug my shoulders and let her get on with it. It makes life a lot less stressful.

What does your dh make of the whole thing? He probably is able to see it from both sides and sees the bigger picture (unlike us on here)

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 31/08/2012 16:45

Gladders you asked if we found them rude, we said no. Your overreacting a bit.

Just get your marks meal tonight and have a relaxing one.

ChasedByBees · 31/08/2012 16:46

I think you sound a bit rude for making this such a huge deal and expecting them to just wait for you regardless of how they feel or if they're hungry or don't like what you're planning.

If you're going to react so strongly then the only thing they can do to avoid conflict is to discuss food every morning. I think it's your fault if you find that tedious.

QuintessentialShadows · 31/08/2012 16:48

I rather my guests grabbed a sandwich than starve. I would not find them rude if they did. More rude to make a point and an issue about it!

Groovee · 31/08/2012 16:48

You weren't sounding unreasonable for thinking your inlaws would eat with you later but they were hungry and ate earlier. But now you sound like my 12 year old when we don't agree with her way of thinking.

8pm would be too late for me to eat and I would have to eat earlier. What time would your inlaws normally eat at home?

FunnysInLaJardin · 31/08/2012 16:53

you have the opposite problem to me. I won't cook for relatives if I am working and they are staying with me.

You could make up 4 portions of the stirfry and easily freeze the rest. So for that reason YABU

FunnysInLaJardin · 31/08/2012 16:56

btw I think it is a good idea to discuss who will be eating what that night. I do this with my guests so that there is no misunderstanding about who is being expected to do what.

Minty82 · 31/08/2012 17:14

I don't think YABU at all - quite surprised nobody else thinks it was rude of your in-laws to eat when they knew you were planning to cook for them; I'd have been really pissed off. And am amazed by how early everyone seems to eat!

Silibilimili · 31/08/2012 17:25

Goodness sake OP! Mellow a little. Maybe they just got hungry! Take a deep breath and try and enjoy your evening!

CaptainVonTrapp · 31/08/2012 17:32

Hungry after a day looking after your kids? Eat a sandwich... Seems pretty reasonable to me.

lovebunny · 31/08/2012 17:38

what time do they normally eat? my parents eat their last meal of the day before 4pm, so 7:30 wouldn't work for them. maybe your inlaws were hungry! or, they think someone should eat with the children.

why are you so determined that family members should keep to a convention that you clearly know about but they don't? did you discuss this in advance? or just expect them to know they should wait, hungry, until you got in at seven thirty and started to prepare a meal?

TeapotsInJune · 31/08/2012 17:44

Have to be fair and admit it would annoy me if my dad did this as he always behaves as if once he's eaten a sandwich nothing else can pass his lips for three hours! At least!

I can't see it's worth this level of irritability though?

JamieandOscarSittinginATree · 31/08/2012 17:44

I think it would have been rude if you had already cooked. But you hadn't starting cooking yet

JamieandOscarSittinginATree · 31/08/2012 17:46

Teapots - older people sometimes have digestive problems. I myself can always force more food down Grin

DublinMammy · 31/08/2012 17:46

Bloody hell the OP seems to have hit the "we eat at 6pm and any later is a crime against food" posse. I think her PIL were unreasonable to change the meal plan without telling her, we never eat before 8pm as my DH doesn't get home until then and also how the hell are you meant to get in from work, sort out the kids with bath and bedtime, cook and then go back in time and have a meal at 7pm when the ILs are hungry. She has already said that they ALWAYS eat this late and it has NEVER been an issue before.

SundaysGirl · 31/08/2012 17:48

bahahahaha. OP you sound like a total control freak, and I love the flounce when you didn't get what you wanted to hear. snorts

ps When I host people I plan the menu with them. what we ALL would like at times that suit ALL of us, not plan whatever I think suits and throw a huge hissy fit if it doesn;t go how I wanted it to. Jeez its one dinner you could have eaten half of and let them have the other half the next night. Get over it. Pathetic.

Cynner · 31/08/2012 17:54

puzzled Eating a sandwich when hungry is a crime? Would you have preferred her PILS go hungry and just wait silently until she has prepared her Nigella feast? If she was intent upon getting her meal, she certainly could have sallied forth.
In our home, we do everything we can to help guests, regardless of relation, feel as comfortable as possible. I would have been happy they were satisfied with a sandwich, and gotten on with the evening.

QuintessentialShadows · 31/08/2012 17:57

Did the dc also got chicken sandwich from chicken left warm in the hallway for 24 hours?

Good luck tonight......

conorsrockers · 31/08/2012 17:58

8 is way too late for most older people to eat and although the Nigella recipe sounded lovely for me, it's not something I would dish up for the in laws - did they know what was coming???!
Don't try too hard - it's lovely that they have come to help, but they are probably too knackered to keep up with your routine - just let it flow along, a bit of wasted food is not the end of the world -

Chandon · 31/08/2012 18:05

Imo they were not rude.

You are the one being weird and hostile and inflexible

Chandon · 31/08/2012 18:08

Ooops a bit harsh, but I do think they were not rude, and I think like many DILs on MN you have issues with your ILs...

Original poster
gladders · 31/08/2012 20:02

I didn't flounce as such -I finished work and went to M and S to get them a variety of food to choose from tonight.

Am not being weird and hostile. They know we eat late. We always have and always will. It has never been a problem before - not even when they have looked after our children.

They are welcome to help themselves to whatever food they would like.

So -I was very taken aback to find they announced they had already eaten supper last night. Personally I would never do that - I always fit in with my hosts. And as we don't see them very often, catching up over dinner is quite a nice way to end the day.

horses for courses -have taken it on the chin and will now plan each day with them to avoid this in future.

(BTW - only PIL ate the day old chicken - kids had ham! - no vomitting as yet......)

OP posts:
RevoltingChildren · 31/08/2012 20:08

I don't find it rude either. You should have asked before starting to cook

I eat anytime between 5.00pm & 7.30pn st the latest. Eating at 8.30pm would make me feel sick

Sorry yabu

WillNeverGetALicence · 31/08/2012 20:14

Sorry if thread has moved on....

But after two pages of reading I am still thinking YABVU... and a little thoughtless and rude yourself!

So your PIL have come to stay to offer two days childcare...

They have fed the children for you...

They looked after themselves for dinner, not realising you wanted to 'treat' them to a special dinner..

You did not discuss your dinner plans with them. But you're now rather cross and put out. Wow. That's not really a polite way to treat a guest, let alone one who's doing you a favour!

Really, just eat your meal tonight, put the rest in the fridge, I'm sure the extra will keep for tomorrow lunch or dinner.

And take your poor PIL out for pret sandwich dinner to say sorry/thank you for their help another day.