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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have found this rude?

189 replies

gladders · 31/08/2012 15:33

So -got home from work at hald 7 yesterday and started to get dinner ready for us and the PIL. MIL came into the kitchen to tell me that they didn't need any food as they had just had a sandwich.

I had bought stuff that had to be prepared then - ie it was not freezable. Them not eating their portions means it will go to waste.

I got quite cross with her and eventually she did apologise 'for the misunderstanding' which I find irritating. There was no minsunderstanding, they are staying at my house and chose to not follow the convention of eating what your host prepares when they prepare it.

The resolution they suggested is that we now need to discuss who's eating what and when every morning. Not ideal as I food shop on the internet so plan menus in advance, but apparently this is the solution.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 31/08/2012 20:25

I admit I've only sped read the thread

But does anyone else think it's strange when people use the words 'hosts' and 'guests' etc when talking about family?

Perhaps it's just me Confused

bobbledunk · 31/08/2012 20:41

yabu, they ate earlier because they were hungry, yabvvvu to throw a tantrum forcing your poor mil to apologise for eating when hungry (what normal people do), they probably thought they were doing you a favour by not needing you to cook for them. It's unfair to be angry that they didn't starve themselves to fit in with your mealtimes. Just let your guests be, they're humans with actual needs (a lot of people can feel very sick if they don't eat when hungry), they're not robots that can be preprogrammed to fit in with your schedule, let them feed themselves.

I'd hate to stay with someone who expected to tell me when I could eat, what I would be eating and threw a tantrum over me not being hungry at their dinner time. That's very controlling and they must feel so uncomfortable now. I'd run for the hills and never return but your poor pil can't do that if they want to see their grandkids, pity them.

Cynner · 31/08/2012 20:42

Perhaps it is the manner in which I was raised. If you did not reside in our home on a continuous manner, you were considered a guest. My parents taught me it was the host's responsibility to see to the comfort of guests.
unless you were Uncle George..arrived for Christmas visit, stayed for eleven years

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 31/08/2012 20:46

Gladders just m&s all the way next time. Easy life.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/09/2012 01:17

"Am not being weird and hostile. They know we eat late. We always have and always will. It has never been a problem before - not even when they have looked after our children.

They are welcome to help themselves to whatever food they would like.

So -I was very taken aback to find they announced they had already eaten supper last night. Personally I would never do that - I always fit in with my hosts. And as we don't see them very often, catching up over dinner is quite a nice way to end the day."

gladders, do you honestly not see the inconsistency between "They are welcome to help themselves to whatever food they would like" and "I was very taken aback to find they announced they had already eaten supper"?

And as for " It has never been a problem before " - have you considered that it may have been problem that has simply not been voiced before? Because "They know we eat late. We always have and always will."

MamaMumra · 01/09/2012 01:36

WWS (what Worra said) and I think it's no big deal as they weren't invited for dinner.
Ages ago my now DH and MIL did this when they were invited to dinner and it still wasn't a huge deal.

AnnieLobeseder · 01/09/2012 01:46

For what it's worth, OP, YANBU, I would find it rude too if guests, who knew the normal eating routine, had fed themselves earlier and not even bothered to tell me.

Of course I assume that guests in my house need dinner preparing for them. Do the rest of you really just assume your guests will cater for themselves?

And if I were a guest in someone else's house and was peckish before dinner, I would have a small snack to tide me over, not help myself to an early dinner and snub what the host had taken the time to plan and prepare.

If the PILs don't like to eat so late, surely it would only be common courtesy to discuss this the day before or in the morning, before the OP had planned an evening meal?

NurseBernard · 01/09/2012 02:08

I can undertand you're pissed off, but... I do think you're now making rather a large mountain out of an insignificant molehill.

Perhaps they generally thought they were saving you the effort of cooking for company. Yes, you had to cook for you DH anyway, but still. If you look at it from this angle, i.e. that they were trying to be helpful, maybe it might diffuse your blood pressure levels a tiny bit.

Honestly - people, especially family member you have an otherwise good relationship with, don't generally go out of the way to be manipulative, annoying and honory. I'm sure MIL didn't sit in her chair all afternoon plotting ways to Piss You Right Off.

At best, they were trying to be helpful and save you some effort. At worst, they were thoughtless.

But my God. I bet they don't ever make this mistake again. Grin

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/09/2012 05:24

I would be chewing my arm off by 8.30pm. In our house we eat early so that everyone can eat together (and I have a toddler that will eat broccoli so we must be doing something right). However, when we stay with my DM and DF or they stay with us, we compromise and eat before they would eat and after we would eat. We talk about who's cooking and what everyone wants. rather than tedious, I have always thought that THIS was how good 'guests' and good 'hosts' behaved. Horses for courses. At DFIL I have to bloody cook and they eat when I say because if I'm going to be a servant I'll clock off early.

Zara1984 · 01/09/2012 05:37

YABU - people get hungry, they eat when they need to. It's a bit annoying but not worth worrying about.

My DH does this all the time in fact!!! He is never hungry/eats at weird times (eg late lunch because he worked through normal lunch hour so doesn't feel like dinner). I used to get really upset about it until I realised I was being stupid to get angry that people ate when they needed to...!

I used to have to go hungry at home when I was a kid because if my mother's insistence that you only ate at set mealtimes, it was really bloody annoying.

Chill out and be grateful you didn't have to pay for 2 days of child care.

Zara1984 · 01/09/2012 05:42

Also I think having to confirm their meal plans in the day is a bit controlling too... What if they take the kids out for afternoon tea?! Or are just not hungry in the evening? Will they then Incur your wrath for their normal bodily functions deviating from your plans pre-set at 8am?!?!

When you have guests you just need to chill out and go with the flow.

LadyWidmerpool · 01/09/2012 05:48

I don't understand why you couldn't freeze it. I can see it might be irritating but when you have guests you have to be flexible if you want to be a good host.

Gunznroses · 01/09/2012 06:15

This is an aspect of british culture i dont think i'll ever get! I think there is too much etiquette around meal times, way too much. So what if the "guests" ate before you got back ? Why on earth is this such a big deal, it would never have crossed my mind to think i am forbidden from eating anything except what my Daughter in law host prepares.

I also find the constant reference to Pil as "guests" slightly unerving, they are family, they should be made to feel at home, which includes eating when they are hungry, for good ness sake, apply some flexibility and stuff all this stuffy "meal times" no crosswords at the table etc, its not good for digestion.

shinyblackgrape · 01/09/2012 07:23

I can see why you're cross if you had bought food etc. but, really, you need to out this in perspective. It's much better that people eat when they feel like it surely than are starving?

I can see this grim their point if view as my PILs are like this. We went to visit them last weekend. Had breakfast at 9 and no lunch was then offered. Dinner only happened when DH basically said he would go out and get some food. We didn't eat til 8:30am. I'm 28 weeks pregnant and was nearly fainting. PILs are lovely and I do like going to see them but good can be very adhoc. I don't mind eating late and we do at home. But not if we've missed meals etc.

What I'm trying to say is that it's not very nice staying with people who can be controlling (even if the dont mean to be) about food.

I love cooking for guests but I'd much rather people helped themselves and ate when they were hungry than sat there feeling like I did at PILs last week.

Also, why didn't they put their ham/chicken in your fridge?

shinyblackgrape · 01/09/2012 07:24

Sorry for typos - on phone!

ladymariner · 01/09/2012 07:46

YABVU

Mil can't do right with you, can she? You got "quite cross" with her (and the fact that she apologised "eventually" makes me think this dragged on for a while) which I think was rude of you, seeing as she's a guesting your house looking after your kids. If she'd used up your precious prawns and noodle and left you with a sandwich you might have a point but all this fuss over a bit of food which could easily freeze or be used for lunch next day is just ridiculous.

You now think talking about and planning food every morning is "tedious"......perhaps if you'd hadn't been so uptight about this you wouldn't have to. They're clearly trying to now appease you, and you're still not happy.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 01/09/2012 08:05

People it would be nice to read the whole thread without piling in. OP has come back and said she will plan each day with them to avoid this situation in the future.
It's therefore not terribly helpful to pile in and continue to berate her.

Although shinyblackgrape your story is awful - I couldn't survive without lunch I am prone to hypoglaecemia (sp?) so need to eat ever 3-4 hours or I will faint. Not to feed a pregnant woman is quite inexcusable

RubyrooUK · 01/09/2012 08:16

I think it's a lovely thing to cook for people staying with you. And it is nicer if people give your warning they don't need to eat before you spent money on a meal for them.

But YABU because this is not worth getting annoyed about. I often get hungry early in the evening and if I was at PIL house, I might well eat a sandwich. I'd think they were family and wouldn't mind. I wouldn't mind if they did the same at mine either. I'd just buy a couple of extra things and adapt the recipe for the next evening (after checking they would want dinner).

I'd be really, really upset if I thought my MIL (or future daughter in law) would be so inflexible about me eating a sandwich because I was hungry. Sorry OP.

RubyrooUK · 01/09/2012 08:17

And fair enough, if you'll check with them in the morning to see if they want to eat with you, that sounds like a good solution for all.

bruschetta · 01/09/2012 08:26

I don' think mil was rude. It seems a shame to get steamed up over this. You'll probs feel better if u let it go.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 01/09/2012 09:23

aaaaarrrrggghh I hate being an adult! Its just silly, and agree with worra, its family. All these weird social conventions that will greatly offend if not adhered to. They didn't eat a sandwich to offend you, they ate because they were hungry.

FutTheShuckUp · 01/09/2012 09:45

You sound like my MIL.
She chucked me out of her house when DH was in hospital and I didn't want to be alone because I had the audacity to cook a different meal for myself and DS

Goofymum · 01/09/2012 09:53

I do see where OP is coming from as it's happened to me before. It's just annoying to think you're cooking for people, including family, and go to the trouble of thinking of a meal and buying and preparing it and then for them to say they've already eaten, whatever the reason.

COCKadoodledooo · 01/09/2012 10:24

I have little to add except to say I have frozen similar dishes on many occasions (and not died from eating the defrosted/reheated version!) and actually, if you portion it up into tupperwares when it's cooked and leave it overnight in the fridge it sets for want of a better word and is eminently suitable for transporting to work the following day provided you have the facilities to reheat it.

World's longest sentence right there folks Blush

OP, may I be so bold as to enquire what this is really about? Am sensing there may be some sort of undercurrent. Surely no one really gets this pissed off about a sandwich?

InkyBinky · 01/09/2012 10:45

I think we re all sensing an undercurrent. Smile