Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to flatly refuse to do MIL's laundry when she comes to stay.

422 replies

Sunnydelight · 30/08/2012 07:58

I really need to know.

Last time MIL came to stay for a month (we're in Oz) it all turned toxic, but one of my issues was her insistence that I should do her laundry. She must be the only grandmother to three who ever got off a plane from the UK with her arms hanging, and spent a total of $20 in a month. Fine, I can live with that BUT when she kept on saying "I'll just give you my laundry" and I kept on saying "no, you need to do your own washing, here is the washing machine and this is how it works" it just drove me nuts. She eventually mixed her laundry with ours so I had no choice but I really think that adult women should not expect other adult women to wash their smalls.

She's coming again at Christmas AHHHHHHHH for a month which was forced on me but I can live with it. DH and I had a conversation last night about us having to be more upfront this time about what kind of behaviour is unacceptable, but as part of it he casually mentioned "we'll tell her we'll do her laundry and she needs to....". First of all what's this "we" shit as clearly that will be me, but I DO NOT WANT TO WASH HER CLOTHES and said so. When I explained how wrong it was for a woman who has had her own family to expect another adult woman (who she does not "employ" and she is not related to) to do her laundry I got the "that's your cultural expectations" line. I'm Irish btw so nothing massively exotic to her French. I'm not doing her fucking laundry so AIBU?

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 30/08/2012 09:08

I think YABU about the laundry.

I think you are a SAINT to host your MIL for a month, though. I couldn't manage mine for a week! No chance of escaping to see your own mum simultaneously and letting her and DH get on with it? Grin That'd be one way of ensuring your family's appreciation thereafter.

expatinscotland · 30/08/2012 09:08

'In the UK it seems different. Usually one person (Mum?) does the laundry for the whole household - including guests. '

Let's hope this is a trend that dies off.

BunnyLebowski · 30/08/2012 09:09

Fallen Are you for real?? Or are you just always an ignorant bigot?? Hmm

And yes Pag It is sectaranism.

OP - There is obviously much more to this than laundry. I don't think you're being entirely unreasonable. But I'd suck it up and do it. It's not that much of an inconvenience.

MissM · 30/08/2012 09:12

My mum comes to stay for one night and I ask her if she needs anything washing. If someone comes for a month I'd expect the washing to be part of looking after my guest - what's the big deal when you're doing a wash anyway?

Lilithmoon · 30/08/2012 09:12

OP, if you come back YANBU. She is a fully grown adult and should be doing her own laundry and generally mucking in with other chores if she is staying for a month.

KellyElly · 30/08/2012 09:12

If I had a guest to stay I would do their laundry and cook for them. I would feel quite rude if I didn't but that's just me. I suppose a month is quite a long time and she shold pitch in a bit to help out - even if she did some babysitting while you and DH went out.

expatinscotland · 30/08/2012 09:12

'I wouldnt dream of giving an elderly house guest a "list of chores"... ffs... she has come to visit her family.'

Why not? A) she's family B) she's there for a MONTH. I don't get hosts who wait on guests like they're running a hotel or guests who expect that out of a host.

She's well enough to travel, she's well enough to muck in like a family member.

Can't imagine parking up at someone's house and doing FA.

CoteDAzur · 30/08/2012 09:12

YABU and a bit nasty.

What is so strange about MIL visiting Australia for a month? It's not like she would make that journey for a weekend.

Eggrules · 30/08/2012 09:13

"I'll just give you my laundry" and I kept on saying "no, you need to do your own washing, here is the washing machine and this is how it works". Regardless of your reasons you are being up front as to your expectations.

A month is a long time and I think it is wrong for someone to be labelled a guest and do feck all.

If you wash and dry the clothes maybe she could help out and iron them. If your DH doesn't think doing everyone's laundry is a problem, he should do it.

alienreflux · 30/08/2012 09:13

jesus!!! get half a load together (not that you're reading this anymore op!) shout .... iv'e got half a dark load in, you got anything to go in? what's the fucking drama!!!????

and i woulld never EXPECT someone to bring gifts, especially if they have paid for a pricey ticket to come see us. stop being a cow, she's your MIL.

and fallen that was a twatty thing to say.

CouthyMow · 30/08/2012 09:13

Ugh! I wouldn't wash my own Mother's smalls, much less my MIL's! I don't even put most of my own DC's smalls in the machine - only the ones under 10yo. And I'm not Irish, so I don't see it as a cultural thing.

Just at putting someone else's dirty grundies in the machine. Deal with your own undies FFS!

Pagwatch · 30/08/2012 09:14

Well For me, as a catholic Irish woman having lived through the 70s I will ith draw because unless there is some subtext I am missing, saying 'the people I know in the south are über hospitable' isn't in the ball park?

I think I shall withdraw. It is irritating me and it is too nice a day.

FallenCaryatid · 30/08/2012 09:14

No, I asked a question because I was interested in the difference between my personal experience and the OP's attitude to being a host. It was nothing more than a query.
Which is why I also wondered if MIL was going to be making her own food, akin to having a lodger rather than a guest.

dranksinatra · 30/08/2012 09:14

She asked, got told, and flounced, insulting all the way.
I bet she thinks she was on safe ground, too.
Hilarious.

Indith · 30/08/2012 09:15

You obviously have other issues in your relationship with her.

In this house a guest trying to do their own laundry would just get in the way of when I needed the machine! One extra person isn't much and their stuff would just slip in with our loads.

Pagwatch · 30/08/2012 09:16

Actually I missed two comments.
Ignore me.

Born2bemild · 30/08/2012 09:17

I think do her laundry or don't, doesn't matter, but if someone comes for a whole month, they go beyond "guest" and need to muck in a bit. So she should do laundry or cook or tidy a bit and help to keep things running. You don't wait on someone for a month.

PedanticPanda · 30/08/2012 09:23

Yanbu, I really don't like other people doing my washing and would be insisting on washing my own - intact you sound like the dream DIL to me but maybe I'm just strange

Ladylazarus2 · 30/08/2012 09:23

I do all our guests' washing. Even overnight guests get their washing done if needed. That seems reasonable to me. Just being hospitable.

wigglesrock · 30/08/2012 09:25

FallenCaryatid catch yourself on

If my mil was staying with me for a month she'd probably do her own washing, same with my Mum. She'd probably do a bit of cooking/shopping as well. Although if I'm in my Mums or mils and they're not and their washing is done I'd hang it up/out for them. There is a difference between a guest staying a week and one who's there for such a long time.

People staying with you and arriving or leaving with their arms the one length is a bugbear of mine, I've seen my Mum put people up for vast amounts of time when we were kids.

porcamiseria · 30/08/2012 09:25

yabu

pigletmania · 30/08/2012 09:26

What's wrong with you just bunging it in te machine, putting in a bt of liquid and turning it on, after all you will be doing yours won't you! Get dh to doit then!

LeggyBlondeNE · 30/08/2012 09:27

If OP comes back - if I have a guest for a week I'd offer to do any laundry. If they're coming for a month it's a whole different ballgame and depends entirely upon what works best in your particular house/family. And you made clear to your MIL what works best for you.

If I need any laundry doing while staying with someone I usually ask if I can put a load on or (if it's only a couple of items) put them in with a matched load. If I were staying for a month I'd be mucking in on all fronts; it's unthinkable to me to do otherwise because a month isn't just 'a visit', it's being part of the household for quite a period of time.

So overall, YANBU

steben · 30/08/2012 09:29

Hmmm I think there is more to this as well. As someone who has their own substantial MIL (also diff cultures and in situation which necessitates long stays) issues I hesitate to say YABU. My MIL does my laundry when we stay with them which I HATE but I don't get the choice - no sooner have you taken an item off it is washed, dryed and ironed, so I would do her laundry in return. I would much rather do my own but she is highly protective of her washing machines [hmmm]

HecateHarshPants · 30/08/2012 09:30

I don't think you are unreasonable. You don't WANT to wash her clothes and that's your right! Just bag them up and present the bag to your husband and say here are your mother's clothes, there's the washing machine. Like you said "We" are washing them. This time YOU are 'we', not me.

I'm not saying this because I also have a problem washing other people's clothes, I don't. I'll happily stick a load on! But I get the feeling this is a symptom of a problem in your relationship with her. Her demanding that you wash her clothes - including her underwear - is symbolic to you. Perhaps feels like her saying she's higher in the pecking order than you? I don't know.

But I do know this is not about sticking some clothes in a washing machine.

I hope that you get it sorted.

xx