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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to flatly refuse to do MIL's laundry when she comes to stay.

422 replies

Sunnydelight · 30/08/2012 07:58

I really need to know.

Last time MIL came to stay for a month (we're in Oz) it all turned toxic, but one of my issues was her insistence that I should do her laundry. She must be the only grandmother to three who ever got off a plane from the UK with her arms hanging, and spent a total of $20 in a month. Fine, I can live with that BUT when she kept on saying "I'll just give you my laundry" and I kept on saying "no, you need to do your own washing, here is the washing machine and this is how it works" it just drove me nuts. She eventually mixed her laundry with ours so I had no choice but I really think that adult women should not expect other adult women to wash their smalls.

She's coming again at Christmas AHHHHHHHH for a month which was forced on me but I can live with it. DH and I had a conversation last night about us having to be more upfront this time about what kind of behaviour is unacceptable, but as part of it he casually mentioned "we'll tell her we'll do her laundry and she needs to....". First of all what's this "we" shit as clearly that will be me, but I DO NOT WANT TO WASH HER CLOTHES and said so. When I explained how wrong it was for a woman who has had her own family to expect another adult woman (who she does not "employ" and she is not related to) to do her laundry I got the "that's your cultural expectations" line. I'm Irish btw so nothing massively exotic to her French. I'm not doing her fucking laundry so AIBU?

OP posts:
seeker · 30/08/2012 08:11

Wow. She doesn't spend enough money so you won't do her washing?

Words fail me!

gettingeasier · 30/08/2012 08:11

YABU shes travelling/paying for a trip from France and you are quibbling over what would surely not amount to not much more than a few loads of washing ?

Very odd and actually a bit nasty imo

LST · 30/08/2012 08:12

YABU. and you are related. Albeit by married, but still.

fragola · 30/08/2012 08:13

I can understand not wanting to handwash someone elses stuff, but I don't really get what's wrong with shoving a few extra things in the washing machine each day. Am I missing something?

DoingTheBestICan · 30/08/2012 08:15

So op if it were your own mother visiting who I am guessing is also an adult would you still refuse to do her laundry?

SugarBatty · 30/08/2012 08:16

Well she should have just said that then! Grin thanks for clearing that up joyful.

Really though the dirty clothes are in your hands for all of 5 seconds in transit from washing basket to machine, what's the issue?

God forbid your mil gets ill one day and needs her family to care for her.

Al0uise · 30/08/2012 08:17

Yuk - I wouldn't want to do another adults laundry either. Put a laundry basket in her room, tell her that you have enough of your own to get through, it's one of your least favourite chores and she must do her own.

I wouldn't want anyone to do my laundry for me.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 30/08/2012 08:17

I read this forum sometimes and fervently hope my sons are either gay or celibate because DILs are a royal PITA and I don't want one, let alone three of the mardy bitches in my life

ssd · 30/08/2012 08:18

hear hear JumpingThroughMoreHoops

chandellina · 30/08/2012 08:18

Yabu and it's got to be about more than just laundry if you feel so strongly. Otherwise just get on with it, it's so not a big deal.

Nanny0gg · 30/08/2012 08:18

When I explained how wrong it was for a woman who has had her own family to expect another adult woman (who she does not "employ" and she is not related to) to do her laundry I got the "that's your cultural expectations" line. I'm Irish btw so nothing massively exotic to her French. I'm not doing her fucking laundry so AIBU?

Yes you're BU. Very.
And I don't think I've ever read anything as bizarre as the statement above.

larks35 · 30/08/2012 08:18

YABU and a bit strange tbh.

DoingTheBestICan · 30/08/2012 08:19

I agree jumping I've already told ds he is not allowed to leave home ever.

SomebodySaveMe · 30/08/2012 08:19

YABU. It's just laundry. Other peoples knickers won't harm you.

Al0uise · 30/08/2012 08:19

I have 2 sons and look forward to having dil's. As friends though, not servants.

FallenCaryatid · 30/08/2012 08:19

You'd do that to a guest and a visitor staying in your house?
Just treat her like a particularly annoying and grubby teenager?

DanyTargaryen · 30/08/2012 08:19

I think OP is put out with the fact that she has told MIL its her responsibility AND shown her where the machine is and whatnot, and she STILL refused.

Or have I got that wrong.

EdithWeston · 30/08/2012 08:19

YABVU

I would always do guests laundry, especially that of family members.

And I think you're being a little ridiculous too: would you be equally annoyed if she were asking for a loo roll as there was none there; or would you be sending her to the shops or billing her for your shopping time because adults can do that for themselves too?

And it looks to me as if you are determined to pick a fight with her. I've no idea what you mean by "arms hanging" but you seem to be complaining that she doesn't spend much. Are you set on criticising another (blameless IMO) aspect of her visit just because you don't like her, and because you hope to escape the flaming you know you'd deserve if you criticised her for being poor an unwilling to spend?

Original poster
Sunnydelight · 30/08/2012 08:20

Ok so I am being unreasonable (though I'm not sure if it quite justifies ssd's right cow comment!)

I asked because I genuinely wanted to know, our history means that I have issues about her expectations. Of course there is more to it, 23 years of abusive behaviour which I thought I had avoided by emigrating so I'm not terribly sympathetic to the fact that her flights are expensive and trust me, I doubt if she is dreading seeing me half as much as I am dreading seeing her, but if MN decrees I should happily wash her smalls then maybe I should just grin and bear it Smile

OP posts:
BIWI · 30/08/2012 08:20

She's coming for a month, and you won't do her washing? And she is your guest?

Words fail me as to how inhospitable you are being.

hawaiiWave · 30/08/2012 08:20

Yanbu. I'm shocked by the responses you're getting! I'd be mortified to give my dirty undies to someone else to wash, I'm not even keen on giving them to dh to wash.

Unless there was an incapacity reason for an adult not being able to do their washing, I think its totally unreasonable for your mil to expect you to do her washing. The odd t-shirt would be ok, but not underwear etc, I certainly do not want to get involved in dirty smalls...

FallenCaryatid · 30/08/2012 08:21

'I'm Irish btw so nothing massively exotic to her French'

The Irish parents I've met have been very good at looking after guests, although they are all Southern Irish Catholics. Perhaps you are a Northerner with a different attitude?

picnicbasketcase · 30/08/2012 08:21

I think you may be blowing it out of proportion because you already dislike her for being tightfisted etc. However, at the same time, unless she's very elderly or incapacitated, she should be able to put her own washing on, yes.

squeakytoy · 30/08/2012 08:21

being asked to bung a few bits of clothes, even knickers and bras, into the machine for a house guest is hardly being treated like servant for heavens sakes..

I wondered about the hanging arms comment too, very odd.

Come on OP, spill the rest of this...

HSMM · 30/08/2012 08:21

Is she did her own washing, I bet her stuffwould always be washing when you need the machine. I'd rather do guest laundry than be trying to use the machinein between other people . I have guests this week and I have just put a wash basket outside their room for them to put stuff in.