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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to flatly refuse to do MIL's laundry when she comes to stay.

422 replies

Sunnydelight · 30/08/2012 07:58

I really need to know.

Last time MIL came to stay for a month (we're in Oz) it all turned toxic, but one of my issues was her insistence that I should do her laundry. She must be the only grandmother to three who ever got off a plane from the UK with her arms hanging, and spent a total of $20 in a month. Fine, I can live with that BUT when she kept on saying "I'll just give you my laundry" and I kept on saying "no, you need to do your own washing, here is the washing machine and this is how it works" it just drove me nuts. She eventually mixed her laundry with ours so I had no choice but I really think that adult women should not expect other adult women to wash their smalls.

She's coming again at Christmas AHHHHHHHH for a month which was forced on me but I can live with it. DH and I had a conversation last night about us having to be more upfront this time about what kind of behaviour is unacceptable, but as part of it he casually mentioned "we'll tell her we'll do her laundry and she needs to....". First of all what's this "we" shit as clearly that will be me, but I DO NOT WANT TO WASH HER CLOTHES and said so. When I explained how wrong it was for a woman who has had her own family to expect another adult woman (who she does not "employ" and she is not related to) to do her laundry I got the "that's your cultural expectations" line. I'm Irish btw so nothing massively exotic to her French. I'm not doing her fucking laundry so AIBU?

OP posts:
DoingTheBestICan · 30/08/2012 08:22

Good luck with that alouise cos it seems there are a fair few dils on here who find offence at anything.

Flisspaps · 30/08/2012 08:22

I don't do my ILs washing when they visit - but then they don't do mine/DH's/the DCs laundry when they visit us either.

I wouldn't necessarily mind occasionally , but I'd be fucked off if it was an expectation and if DH used the royal 'we' as he seems to be allergic to the washing machine.

FallenCaryatid · 30/08/2012 08:23

Well, get your husband to do the laundry for a month if it's such a huge problem for you OP.

Original poster
Sunnydelight · 30/08/2012 08:23

I've said IABU so I'll hide this now. You guys really need to have some caffine or something - the vitriol is quite extraordinary.

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 30/08/2012 08:23

Yes fallen we northern Irish are right inhospitable bitches Confused

HSMM · 30/08/2012 08:23

I assumed arms hanging meant that other people were carrying all her bags.

Flisspaps · 30/08/2012 08:24

By 'arms hanging' I thought the OP means her MIL doesn't bother giving the kids a hug

squeakytoy · 30/08/2012 08:24

vitriol??? I dont see any... Confused

FallenCaryatid · 30/08/2012 08:27

'Yes fallen we northern Irish are right inhospitable bitches'

Thank you for answering my question wips, I wasn't sure.

WipsGlitter · 30/08/2012 08:27

"arms hanging" means not carrying a present (not literally at the second she got off the plane) but generally it's the reverse of "came bearing gifts"

iggi777 · 30/08/2012 08:28

My mother would say 'quit standing there with your two arms the one length' - meant you were doing nothing.

FallenCaryatid is looking for a fight, I think!

vvviola · 30/08/2012 08:29

Is "to come with arms hanging" a peculiarly Irish phrase, might explain a few funny looks I've had. It means to not bring anything. And is the opposite of "ring the door with your elbow" Grin (I usually use one or the other in relation to whether guests should bring something to a party etc)

I'd be of the shove it all in together (but perhaps dump all the clean underwear in a pile & ask MIL to grab hers out of it?).

Mind you, I'd hate anyone else to do my laundry (especially MIL tries desperately to forget coming home from honeymoon to discover she'd rearranged the drawer that contained all my fancy underwear)

WineGoggles · 30/08/2012 08:30

Sunny, just tell her when you're putting a load on and ask her to add anything she wants washing. She can put it in the machine herself if you don't want to touch it. I would feel a but funny about handling another adult's dirty clothes, not because of germs, but because I'm so private about my own laundry; if I was staying away from home I wouldn't hand my undies to someone, I would put them in the machine myself. YANBU to not like her but YWBU to send her home with a suitcase of dirty laundry.

Trifle · 30/08/2012 08:31

I agree with you sunny d, are you also expected to hang her washing out, launder it, iron it and put it away for her too? I presume you will be doing the vast majority of the cooking ,cleaning and entertaining of said Mil as your husband will be at work. I hate cooking, don't iron but do the laundry so if someone came to stay and expected me to do all those things I would be mightily pissed off.

EyesDoMoreThanSee · 30/08/2012 08:31

I could deal with my MIL s but my FILs dear god no

Ok. Question. Would she do your laundry if you stayed with her for a month? It's your home and your rules, I have never ever had my clothes washed at someone else's house!

Children's clothes I have used someone else's machine as child went through every item!

FallenCaryatid · 30/08/2012 08:31

Why would I want a fight? The OP mentioned that she was Irish, and all the women I know from that community are excessively hospitable in that you can't turn down food or a cup of tea without a fuss, and certainly when relatives come to stay they are taken care of, including laundry.
It just seems like such a petty thing to do 'Come over, but I'm not your slave'

albertswearengen · 30/08/2012 08:32

I am feeling sorry for the OP. She wants her MIL to do her own washing when she stays for a month- so what. It's not the most inhospitable thing I've ever heard. And as for the MIL bashing -women don't become paragons of virtue just because they give birth to male children. Plenty of them range from difficult to total bitches and having a son doesn't stop that. Some MIL's are lovely some aren't. OP's MIL probably falls into the latter camp. Plenty of DIL's are lovely and plenty aren't.
I'm Northern Irish too btw. I would probably do MIL's washing but I'd really not want to.

tryingtonotfeckup · 30/08/2012 08:32

Based on this so far YABVU and not very hospitable. [Saying as someone whose MIL puts her families laundry in at their house if needed and we only live 90 mins away].

But what do you mean when you say that you and your DH sat down and wanted to set some groundrules. There is more to come.

camdancer · 30/08/2012 08:34

I think it is different cultural expectations. When I lived in the US, I found it odd that children were expected to do their own laundry. Anyone over the age of about 10 did their own. In the UK it seems different. Usually one person (Mum?) does the laundry for the whole household - including guests. So I think you would get a very different answer if you asked a US forum rather than UK one.

Dogsmom · 30/08/2012 08:37

Does MIL do any other household chores when she's there or help out in any way?

If you don't want to do the laundry maybe compromise by doing the washing then handing her the creased clothes and an iron.

hackmum · 30/08/2012 08:37

I would always offer to do guests' laundry. It would be rude not to.

Glad that vviola explained what "arms hanging" means - was puzzled by that!

Lottapianos · 30/08/2012 08:38

It's obvious from the OP that this is about way more than laundry. OP, you sound very resentful of your MIL and with your reference to abusive behaviour, you may well be perfectly justified in this. You also suggest that your MIL didn't contribute anything by way of gifts or help around the house during her month long stay and I would feel unhappy about this too. It sounds like the laundry is an issue you are using to try to put down a boundary for her behaviour, it's a small issue that you feel you can control when everything else seems overwhelming. So yes, I agree that YABU for not wanting to do her laundry, but it sounds like there are good reasons why you don't feel like opening up your home to this woman. Could you and DH have a discussion about what you are and are not willing to do for her when she comes to stay, so that you feel you have a bit more control over the whole situation? It sounds like you're dreading the whole thing and I'm sorry for you - I know how that feels Smile

Permanentmarker · 30/08/2012 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CailinDana · 30/08/2012 08:43

I'm irish (if that makes any difference) and i wouldn't do my ILs laundry. I would expect DH to do it.

EdithWeston · 30/08/2012 08:44

Drip feeding a back story of abuse into the middle of an AIBU thread?

YABU.