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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to flatly refuse to do MIL's laundry when she comes to stay.

422 replies

Sunnydelight · 30/08/2012 07:58

I really need to know.

Last time MIL came to stay for a month (we're in Oz) it all turned toxic, but one of my issues was her insistence that I should do her laundry. She must be the only grandmother to three who ever got off a plane from the UK with her arms hanging, and spent a total of $20 in a month. Fine, I can live with that BUT when she kept on saying "I'll just give you my laundry" and I kept on saying "no, you need to do your own washing, here is the washing machine and this is how it works" it just drove me nuts. She eventually mixed her laundry with ours so I had no choice but I really think that adult women should not expect other adult women to wash their smalls.

She's coming again at Christmas AHHHHHHHH for a month which was forced on me but I can live with it. DH and I had a conversation last night about us having to be more upfront this time about what kind of behaviour is unacceptable, but as part of it he casually mentioned "we'll tell her we'll do her laundry and she needs to....". First of all what's this "we" shit as clearly that will be me, but I DO NOT WANT TO WASH HER CLOTHES and said so. When I explained how wrong it was for a woman who has had her own family to expect another adult woman (who she does not "employ" and she is not related to) to do her laundry I got the "that's your cultural expectations" line. I'm Irish btw so nothing massively exotic to her French. I'm not doing her fucking laundry so AIBU?

OP posts:
arthurfowlersallotment · 31/08/2012 06:58

Wiggle I'll give you a hand and soak the worst of it in the bath

HecateHarshPants · 31/08/2012 06:59

It's not a fuss about nothing. Not after the other thread she started about me.

exoticfruits · 31/08/2012 07:02

In the days of automatic washing machines it is hardly work- doesn't take above a couple of minutes- I can't see why it is so difficult. You could even say 'MIL- could you just peg out the washing' when it was finished.

mistressploppy · 31/08/2012 07:03

Sounds like she is a bit confused

exoticfruits · 31/08/2012 07:04

It was to start with Hecate- I am just amazed that something as petty as putting in a few articles of clothing with your wash can cause so much upset. Sometimes I think MN is on a parallel universe. I can see why you are upset - it is an unexpected response to a bit of support.

exoticfruits · 31/08/2012 07:05

You will get misunderstandings if you start a thread and then hide it.

mistlethrush · 31/08/2012 07:20

No, Hecate, its no a fuss about nothing - she's started a thread and accused you of something that would be very out of character (as lots of people on that thread have said) and left without justifying her assassination of character. I hope that MN do confirm that she's a fruit loop that has misread either the pm or the name of the pmer but that you don't leave as a result of it.

regnamechange · 31/08/2012 07:21

I hate that my MIL sometimes does mine when babysitting children etc GrinBlush

ColouringIn · 31/08/2012 07:44

C'mon SD - you owe Hecate an apology - I've seen the screenshots of her PM to you and your response. Not a nice response to a supportive PM is it now?

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 31/08/2012 08:47

I think OP is being a bit bonkers here.
God I hope I never have an unhinged DIL who loses it if I ever want to visit them.
Seriously (as a DIL myself) do you think we are excessively harsh with our MILs and judge them too much?

broodyandpoor · 31/08/2012 08:52

Full moon lunacy Hecate try to ignore, everyone knows youre a reasonable normal poster Smile

KD0706 · 31/08/2012 08:52

zombie I think I'm too harsh on my mil. I put up with much more nonsense from my own mum. Thank heavens I only have daughters Grin

May not be saying that when they hit the teenage years

theodorakis · 31/08/2012 09:17

I too support Hecate, would be weird for her to suddenly turn after all this time.

PedanticPanda · 31/08/2012 09:43

I'm confused, so Hecate actually did pm the OP? I thought it was a troll in disguise.

Perhaps the OP is having a bad week, maybe her mil coming over to stay is affecting her more than she's letting on, I don't know, but she's been here for 7 years without trouble, maybe we could all draw a line under the sand and forget about it? I'm sure the op is quite embarrassed about it all and will hopefully apologise for any false accusations.

DuelingFanjo · 31/08/2012 09:43

"All those who find it demeaning to do a 'grown man's laundry' (really??), do you find it demeaning to cook for him? Dust and hoover around his side of the bed?

"

I don't find it demeaning, never used that word. I just don't have the hours in the day to fuck about doing the cleaning for someone who is perfectly capable of doing it themselves. If I was some kind of surrendered wife then fine but I am not, I have a full time paid job outside of the home and can barely keep on top of my own mess and that of our son without having to factor in arseing about doing another adult's washing.

squeakytoy · 31/08/2012 09:47

But if you are both capable of loading the washing machine Fanjo, why do you not both take it in turns to just do a mixed load of whatever clothes need washing, regardless of ownership?

That is the bit I dont understand.

We both work here. Me mostly from home, but if washing needs doing, both of us are capable of shoving a load in, and do so. If my husband were to pick out his own stuff and leave mine, I would be mightily pissed off, and would expect him to feel the same if I did it to him too.

I have no idea what a "surrendered wife" is, but can only imagine it is mentioned a lot on the feminist section..

DuelingFanjo · 31/08/2012 10:15

"why do you not both take it in turns to just do a mixed load of whatever clothes need washing, regardless of ownership?"

because if I washed half my husband's clothes he would just wear the half that were washed and not bother to put in a second mixed load. You'd need to ask my DH why.

I don't want to be put into the position where I have to ask my DH to share doing washing (which is what I would do before I stopped doing his) because it doesn't matter how much I ask it doesn't get done unless he sees it as an absolute necessity. So it's easier for me to do mine and DS's and just leave him to get on with working his way through his entire wardrobe of clothes before washing them.

If I were to go back to doing his washing too then I would be the only one washing, ironing and folding.

seeker · 31/08/2012 10:19

As I have said so many times before, only form adult relationships with adults.

Then you don't have to faff around separating the washing and buying yur own loo roll- because both partners do what needs to be done.

"Parents, teach your children well"

DuelingFanjo · 31/08/2012 10:26

DH IS an adult, he's just an adult who does things in a different way. I told him, during an adult conversation, that I wouldn't be doing his washing anymore. No amount of previous asking, suggesting and directing helped. Having a baby (Who does need someone to do his washing) convinced me not to continue doing chores that can easily be done by someone else. Separating our washing (into two different parts of the laundry basket) works best for me.

I am surprised, given that the subject of some men not pulling their weight has been raised so many times on mumsnet, that people find the idea of leaving another adult to do their own washing so strange.

I can understand that a housewife/sahm might think that doing everyone elses washing is their job but in a house where both people work, if you can't get one half to pull their weight then doing your own is a viable alternative. Sometimes some of my DH's stuff does sneak in, occassionally I will iron him a shirt, I have even packed a suitcase for him but there's no way I will ever return to the days when I ended up doing it all all of the time.

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 31/08/2012 10:35

fanjo I get your point. My case is different but the end result is my DH likes to do his own laundry- the more formal stuff, as do I mine as far as the delicates are concerned.
Which works fantastically as we no longer quibble over my not doing his cuffs and collars properly or my dress having shrunk because it wasn't the proper cycle.
As far as smalls, night clothes, towels etc are concerned we both load up as and when.
And like most things in a partnership there aren't hard and fast rules so we do each other's formals at a pinch when the other is swamped at work or something.

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 31/08/2012 10:36

It helps that he's an ironing enthusiast and finicky about his stuff so he does his own ironing GrinGrin and offers to do mine from time to time. Smile

Mayisout · 31/08/2012 10:41

Dueling fanjo. Definitely agree men should do their own washing. Somehow their washing seems bigger and heavier and more of an effort than my dainty manmade fibre stuff.

iggi777 · 31/08/2012 10:43

It is much easier to cease and desist doing a man's laundry than trying to, say, leave his half of the dishes undone or only cleaning half the bathroom.

mistlethrush · 31/08/2012 10:45

Washing's a shared task thankfully in our household - and we don't do ironing unless its a special occasion in which case DH comes to me and asks nicely if I'll iron something for him.

Hanging the washing up - and encouraging the laundry fairy to put things away is a bit different - although the hanging up has improved after the rant DH got when he complained I didn't hang his shirts up but left him to do it (I suggested that I could, perhaps, hang my tops up and leave him with all of his, all of ds's and the rest of mine and he started hanging some of that up occasionally too instead Grin)

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 31/08/2012 10:45

Handy hint: < reels from recent shenanigans - ignores >
anyone squeamish about washing another adult's smalls (or handing their own to another adult for washing; this is what those lingerie bags are for!

Or use a pillowcase - just something to avoid the ick factor of handling someone else's pants, or witnessing yours being handled (arf).

If you're a host, give one to your guest; if a guest, bring one with.
Hth.