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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to flatly refuse to do MIL's laundry when she comes to stay.

422 replies

Sunnydelight · 30/08/2012 07:58

I really need to know.

Last time MIL came to stay for a month (we're in Oz) it all turned toxic, but one of my issues was her insistence that I should do her laundry. She must be the only grandmother to three who ever got off a plane from the UK with her arms hanging, and spent a total of $20 in a month. Fine, I can live with that BUT when she kept on saying "I'll just give you my laundry" and I kept on saying "no, you need to do your own washing, here is the washing machine and this is how it works" it just drove me nuts. She eventually mixed her laundry with ours so I had no choice but I really think that adult women should not expect other adult women to wash their smalls.

She's coming again at Christmas AHHHHHHHH for a month which was forced on me but I can live with it. DH and I had a conversation last night about us having to be more upfront this time about what kind of behaviour is unacceptable, but as part of it he casually mentioned "we'll tell her we'll do her laundry and she needs to....". First of all what's this "we" shit as clearly that will be me, but I DO NOT WANT TO WASH HER CLOTHES and said so. When I explained how wrong it was for a woman who has had her own family to expect another adult woman (who she does not "employ" and she is not related to) to do her laundry I got the "that's your cultural expectations" line. I'm Irish btw so nothing massively exotic to her French. I'm not doing her fucking laundry so AIBU?

OP posts:
MammaTJisanOlympicSumoWrestler · 30/08/2012 08:44

Someone else coming in to my home and using my washing machine would be far more of an inconvenience to me than doing theirs along with my family laundry. Bunging theirs in with ours would not be much trouble.

Seriously, do you really feel that you MIL is not realted to you?

I don't doubt there is more to this, but unless you tell us, well, for the moment, YABU!

crazycanuck · 30/08/2012 08:45

I too would be royally pissed off with her expectation and demands that you do her laundry. Family or no, I would never just expect the people who were hosting me to do my laundry.

However when I have had guests, I have always offered to throw any of their washing in with mine. But I have to say all guests I have had mucked in and usually did their own and chucked in any I had that needed doing. Even my mom. That may actually demonstrate a cultural element though, as I am Canadian and my guests have either been Canadian or Australian.

Is it her royal decree that you do her laundry that has your back up? Would you just chuck it in with yours if she didn't demand it?

GoldWithADragonTattoo · 30/08/2012 08:46

YANBU - I wouldn't dream of washing my MILs clothes and would even find it v odd if my DH did (not sure here why it should be the wife's responsibility anyway). You showed her how to use the machine last time which is precisely what most people would do. And, from MIL's point of view, I think most adults would prefer the privacy of putting their own washing on. It's hard enough having guests for a month I think it madness to take even more work than you'll already be doing.

I'm sure a lot of people just love to go against whatever OP says however reasonable for sport.

KlarkyKat · 30/08/2012 08:48

YABU, unless she is actually being rude you about it I think you should just chuck it in with your family washing. However if she is expecting hand-washing than maybe not! Does she want you to iron it too? If so set the ironing board up in an accessible place and ask her to do some!

arthurfowlersallotment · 30/08/2012 08:49

Get a grip Fallen. No one outside of your backwater cares about your sectarianism.

OP YANBU. Your husband should do it.
However take comfort in the fact that You are in oz, so visits are infrequent..

CailinDana · 30/08/2012 08:50

It's interesting what you say about cultural expectations camdancer- I'm from Ireland and from age 10 my sisters andi did all our own laundry. I don't do my DH's laundry, something I've been roundly criticised for on MN. Growing up laundry was not the mum's job in my house.

LadyWidmerpool · 30/08/2012 08:50

It would get on my nerves to have a guest taking up the machine with small loads for a month!

ZonkedOut · 30/08/2012 08:50

I agree with Lotto, if this was just about laundry, you would be being unreasonable, but there's obviously more to it.

My MIL insists on doing her own laundry if she stays, and insists on doing ours when we stay with her!

I think she has been unreasonable to refuse to do her own when you've shown her how.

But generally, it is nice to offer to do a guest's laundry.

fluffyraggies · 30/08/2012 08:51

I don't understand why it is that when one of us has a problem with our DPs mother they have to be accused of 'bashing' someone Confused

When someone posts with a problem concerning a family member it's more than likely going to be their OH, a DC, DM, DF or MIL or FIL. That's one in 6 family posts being about a MIL. It's just going to happen.

And - every MIL is also/has been a DIL at some point. So if most DILs are shite then so are most MILs! Grin

Pagwatch · 30/08/2012 08:51

Sectarianism ?
Bloody hell. Isn't sectarianism a bit of a big issue to throw around ona knicker washing thread?

NameChangeGalore · 30/08/2012 08:51

YABU and really rude.

TheDoctrineOfEnnis · 30/08/2012 08:52

I think the practical point here is that someone coming on a plane for a month might not bring enough clothes that they had their own full load before they had run out of, say, t shirts.

When I stay at my mum's for more than a night she asks if I have any washing when she's starting the machine, I go and get my stuff and the DC's stuff and pop it straight in the machine. She does then hang it all out but if she picked out her stuff and left mine in the basket and called me to hang mine out, I'd be happy to do that.

Would that work, OP?

outtolunchagain · 30/08/2012 08:55

I would find it very odd to show a guest how to use my washing machine unless of course they asked. Much easier and more hospitable to just offer to do it for them .

MrsRobertDuvallHasRosacea · 30/08/2012 08:55

Give her a laundry bag.

Show her how to do the washing machine or tell dh to do her washing.

I wouldn't have had my MIL to stay the night, let along a month so you have my sympathies.
But rise above it.

There is obviously a lot of history to this story.....

ReshapeWhileDamp · 30/08/2012 08:57

YABU, and it's a bit scary how you can't see that. hardly a big deal to stick someone else's laundry in with yours, is it? Confused

Byecklove · 30/08/2012 08:57

Having lived overseas for years, I've played host to countless friends and relatives. I always do their washing - as mentioned unthread, I just let them know I'm putting a dark wash on and to chuck whatever they want in the machine. Including MIL. The same has always happened when we're the visitors. Can't imagine it being any different.

It does sound like there's something deeper going on with your MIL and this is just symptomatic.

TiggerWearsATriteSmile · 30/08/2012 08:57

PMSL at this thread.
OP, you are unreasonable for not doing a bit of laundry. FFS be a host and cop on.

The way it's gone off on a northern/southern thing is ridiculous. Manners don't stop at the border.

FishfingersAreOK · 30/08/2012 09:00

YABU - as you have accepted - and you took it on the chin really well. But YANBU to expect your MIL to do something to help out whilst she is with you. Is there something you could give her to do that is inoffensive/she could not be offended by being asked (keep the moral upper hand here) and she would clearly be totally unreasonable to refuse - such as "We are trying to show our DC that we all share the chores round here and you always help out if you are a guest at someones house. So whilst you are staying please would you do XXX every day" Even if something like stack the plates after breakfast, put the garden cushions in the shed each evening. Even better treat her like a child and do the alternatives thing. "which would you rather do? Stack the plates or empty the bins?". If she helps out - albeit a miniscule bit it may make some of the freeloader angst softer?

lottiegarbanzo · 30/08/2012 09:00

When staying with close family they always say 'chuck it in the laundry basket' and I get a heap of clean clothes back. My undies are no more unpleasant than anyone else's, do you feel the same repulsion for your DH and children's underwear or the same sense of servility? Guests are usually looked after better than family, not less well.

I wouldn't normally have enough for a full load on hols, or would have to wear everything then wash it all. I do often do washing when staying for a couple of weeks at DF and DSM's house as I feel part of the family and know I'm not interefering with their system. I probably did more as a teenager than now, as i stayed longer and that's when I was prudish about having other people handling my undies!

Could you ask for her help with the combined family's washing, hanging out or folding, or get your DH to do this with her? Or get her involved in other household tasks, like chopping veg and clearing the table? It's fine to make her feel part of the family.

Lottapianos · 30/08/2012 09:01

'PMSL at this thread.
OP, you are unreasonable for not doing a bit of laundry. FFS be a host and cop on'

Well at least you've had a good laugh eh Tigger Hmm It's clearly not about 'a bit of laundry' is it - can't you see that? 'Cop on' is always a constructive comment, no matter what the issue so well done Hmm

Lottapianos · 30/08/2012 09:03

Fishfingers, that's a good idea - if you give her a choice of chores it would be harder for her to refuse!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 30/08/2012 09:04

I wash guests things when they come here, and have mine washed when we visit my parents, MIL, friends, etc.

YABU

EdithWeston · 30/08/2012 09:06

Lottapianos: but it did start off about laundry, and tigger's response to the original AIBU is right (and accepted by OP). It's a good example of why drip feeding in AIBU is a bad idea.

I think OP has taken views on board (good on her).

The rest of the thread does risk being pure popcorn.

squeakytoy · 30/08/2012 09:07

I wouldnt dream of giving an elderly house guest a "list of chores"... ffs... she has come to visit her family.

fedupofnamechanging · 30/08/2012 09:07

I think it's U for the OP to have to put up with her MIL for a whole month! It sounds like this has been dumped on her, against her will and likely the dh will piss off to work and leave the OP running around after someone she doesn't like and doesn't want in her house.

I would do the washing if I had guests, however, I wouldn't have guests who had a history of abusive behaviour etc. Sounds to me like the real problem is with your husband in arranging this and not supporting your wishes.

I think she should stay in a hotel.