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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to flatly refuse to do MIL's laundry when she comes to stay.

422 replies

Sunnydelight · 30/08/2012 07:58

I really need to know.

Last time MIL came to stay for a month (we're in Oz) it all turned toxic, but one of my issues was her insistence that I should do her laundry. She must be the only grandmother to three who ever got off a plane from the UK with her arms hanging, and spent a total of $20 in a month. Fine, I can live with that BUT when she kept on saying "I'll just give you my laundry" and I kept on saying "no, you need to do your own washing, here is the washing machine and this is how it works" it just drove me nuts. She eventually mixed her laundry with ours so I had no choice but I really think that adult women should not expect other adult women to wash their smalls.

She's coming again at Christmas AHHHHHHHH for a month which was forced on me but I can live with it. DH and I had a conversation last night about us having to be more upfront this time about what kind of behaviour is unacceptable, but as part of it he casually mentioned "we'll tell her we'll do her laundry and she needs to....". First of all what's this "we" shit as clearly that will be me, but I DO NOT WANT TO WASH HER CLOTHES and said so. When I explained how wrong it was for a woman who has had her own family to expect another adult woman (who she does not "employ" and she is not related to) to do her laundry I got the "that's your cultural expectations" line. I'm Irish btw so nothing massively exotic to her French. I'm not doing her fucking laundry so AIBU?

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 30/08/2012 09:35

I don't get the big problem with washing a guest's clothes, BUT: if your host has made it clear that they do not want to do your laundry, however unreasonable you think that is, wouldn't a guest go along with it? Secreting your dirty stuff in amongst theirs so they have to at least handle it, if not wash it, is kind of peculiar IMO.

Eggrules · 30/08/2012 09:35

We have guests that come twice a year. They stay 2 nights and three days and feast like royalty. They always arrive with their arms hanging and I think it is very rude.

Guest - a person who spends some time at another person's home in some social activity, as a visit, dinner, or party. A weekend visitor is a guest; any longer and it turns into lodger/one of the family.

Anniegetyourgun · 30/08/2012 09:36

ps And what Hecate said, as usual.

YouForgotToCallMePeppa · 30/08/2012 09:36

I have to say, if I was her, I'd far prefer to do my own washing.

When we stay with my parents, I put on all my own loads of washing, hang it up, put it away, my parents aren't involved at all. Just how I like it.

When we stay with ILs, MIL will not trust me to use her precious washing machine correctly, makes me give her my laundry to put on, then goes through it objecting to the size of the load, the fact that I have/haven't turned items inside out, the fact that some of the items have different washing instructions and so you "can't put them in together". I insist you can, but she goes off, removes half the whites from my load (I always wash whites seperately) and returns them to our room, and sticks in a load of FIL's black socks with them instead!
I would love to be able to do my own washing when we stay with them.

WinkyWinkola · 30/08/2012 09:37

Just ask her to chuck her laundry in with yours. She's not diseased is she?

I do my guests laundry happily. Part of being a hostess.

You sound a bit student mode tbh. Do you mark the milk bottle too so you know how much is in there?

porcamiseria · 30/08/2012 09:43

OP you sound a bit horrible

as others said, god forbib when we are MILS

TiggerWearsATriteSmile · 30/08/2012 09:43

Lottapianos, I was PMSL at the turn the thread took about northern /southern Ireland being bad/good hosts.
You left that part out when you selectively quoted my post.

The OP has an issue with her MIL, she should have said that in her opening post.
Ranting about laundry is ridiculous if there is obviously bigger things bothering her.
Cop on and do the laundry. Address bigger issues if they need to be but don't give out about the non issue that is bloody dirty knickers!!!

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 30/08/2012 09:45

Bloody hell if I was staying with family for a month I would expect to do their washing at some point.
How can you stay and not help around the house?
That is appalling behaviour.

Being a guest of family/friends is the same as staying in a serviced apartment.

Yeas she did have to pay for flights but the op says she spends feck all for the rest of the month

She should be doing a bit of hoovering to.

mistlethrush · 30/08/2012 09:45

Sure fire way of getting her to do her own is to make sure that there's something that will leak colour put in a wash with her pales... But that would be really mean wouldn't it Blush

LaurieFairyCake · 30/08/2012 09:48

Clearly you haven't read the 'French' thread Wink

There will be a couple of blouses, some cashmere and one pair of trousers for dry cleaning.

The underwear will be matching, teeny and inoffensive - give her a laundy net for it.

If you really want to piss her off boil her cashmere Grin

eurochick · 30/08/2012 09:54

I think you are being rather unreasonable. Washing a few bits of her own clothes would be inefficient. Chucking them in with yours is clearly the more practical option. If you don't want to handle her dirty clothes, why don't you put your stuff in the machine and say "I'm just putting a whites/darks/whatever wash on. If you want to pop anything in, just throw it in the machine now"?

whois · 30/08/2012 09:55

I can't believe how many people have got ISHOOOS about touching other peoples laundry?

When I stay with family (and friends!) they always ask of I have any washing to go in, I thought that was just normal? At my brothers there are about 3 loads a day on with all the kids so not too much work to chuck a few of my things in as well. But there again, I help out at my brothers and hang up wet washing, put a load on if there is one by the machine waiting for it to finish, spray vanish on the baby's pooey baby grows...

Surely you don't pull each pair of pants out individually and inspect them? Just grab an armful of washing out the basket and shov it in?

DappyHays · 30/08/2012 10:01

When you have a bad relationship with your MIL, everything they do pisses you off. If she'd decided to do her own laundry, you'd have found fault in that. I know that when my MIL was alive I certainly always managed to see a bad side to whatever she was doing. I used to joke she could hand me £1m and I'd take offence.

I used to have my MIL visiting for 3 days at a time and that sent me up the wall. After she left one visit I found a bag of her dirty undies laundry and just slung them in the wheelie bin.

Like you I used to work myself up about the small stuff. Now that I look back I wish I'd been a bit more chilled. It would have made my life easier.

squeakytoy · 30/08/2012 10:08

I dont get the issues about the washing of underwear either.. its a pair of knickers for fucks sakes. I have flat shared, we all used to take turns in doing the washing, it all went in together.. I have had 3 stepchildren living with me, their underwear all went into the same wash with ours, and I have lived at my MIL's and all our stuff went in with theirs... it would never have occured to me to be precious about my underwear getting cross contamination with FILs y fronts.. it all comes out clean after a hot wash, and then gets hung on the line..

DuelingFanjo · 30/08/2012 10:10

YANBU, for a whole month! This is not just a 'visit' it's a long stay and she should muck in like everyone else.

flow4 · 30/08/2012 10:12

This is a bizarrely fascinating thread - there's a pretty much equal split between people who think YABU and those who think YANBU Grin. Obviously laundry is an issue to divide nations and families!

I'm currently staying with a friend and, since we arrived after 10 days' camping, she showed me their machine and I did a load, and me and the kids then hung it up. She might have offered if she was putting a wash on and we'd only had a few things, but I'd never expect someone to my washing, and I'd be irritated by anyone else expecting me to do theirs. Personally, I don't even do my children's laundry!

But OP, this isn't really just about laundry, is it? It seems to me to be about her contributing generally... A month is a long time to have a guest (even one you like!) and I would definitely be expecting anyone who was in my house that long to be sharing some of the household tasks - if not washing, then cooking or shopping. (I've been at my friend's 3 nights so far, and I've cooked for us all once and shopped once).

Can you set expectations for MIL early-ish (day 2 perhaps) by saying something(s) like "Can you cook on Thurs, please?" or "Could you put a load of washing on please, while I'm out picking up the kids"?

Good luck!

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 30/08/2012 10:14

I would offer to put her bits in with my washing, as she probably won't need a full load but I wouldn't expect to wait on her hand and foot for the month either.

OwlLady · 30/08/2012 10:16

I would put her washing in with ours as well, i really don't see the problem with it. My MIL doesn't like to though and takes her dirty washing home and that's fair enough

albertswearengen · 30/08/2012 10:17

Do French women not wear big pants at all then?
Maybe we should do a survey of Britain and Ireland and see which area is most willing to wash their MIL's smalls. Bet a cultural historian would be wetting themselves for that info. Hope they have an hospital DIL with a big laundry bag.

albertswearengen · 30/08/2012 10:17

Hospitable not hospital obvs. I have spent too much time on annoying ILs threads today.

bragmatic · 30/08/2012 10:20

It all gets lumped in together here. Sometimes she chucks a load on, sometimes I do. Likewise with hanging out, doing dishes, ...stuff.

Kayano · 30/08/2012 10:24

I would do it, she is a guest and has come a long way to see you all.

BiddyPop · 30/08/2012 10:25

We don't tend to have visitors staying long enough to need laundry, but are happy to throw it in if need be. That said, as we are both Irish, the laundry tends to be split between DH and I, with DD doing her share of hanging/folding when she's around, in terms of getting it clean and dried. (I am in the envious position that DH always did his ironing and I did mine - until I got PG and he took over it all, and continues to do so as he thinks it's good for DD to see that everyone has their own jobs and everyone can do every job Grin).

When DH's uncle is staying in the rehab hospital close to us (about once a year for 6 weeks, although not this year), we would visit him and take him out for Sundays, and DH will bring home the laundry and do that himself. I'll sort and fold it, but it is more something that DH feels he should do, as the uncle is HIS family (so his burden IYKWIM).

usualsuspect · 30/08/2012 10:28

Everyones washing gets chucked in together here. No one does their own washing.

Inertia · 30/08/2012 10:29

If she is giving you orders and treating you like her personal slave, then that's certainly an issue that needs addressing.

Laundry is a funny one - I will happily tell guests that I'm doing a load of jeans / reds / whatever, and have they got any to put in. If we are visiting for several days, my stepmum will do the same for us. But I would hate anyone to go rooting through my washing baskets and doing it for me - I have a system, and I know which clothes need a eg a delicate cycle.

In your shoes, I would probably do the washing with ours, and let it join the EU ironing mountain pile so she can iron and put away her own.

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