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Original poster

To give up a well paid job to be a SAHM?

400 replies

Blackonesugarplease · 28/08/2012 08:44

Name-changed for this.

DH thinks that I would be unreasonable to give up my job to be a SAHM to our young children.

In short, following a bereavement I have subconsciously re-evaluated my priorities. I am desperate to stay at home with my 3 young children as I can't bear to put them in childcare any more - getting them up at 6 and not seeing them for 11 hours a day, juggling the holidays etc. I know they're fine, but they're not with me, and I know I will never be able to get this time back.

If leave I'm unlikely to be able to return to the same career, let alone the same role, but I'm absolutely fine with that. I don't want to reduce my hours, I simply want to quit so I can focus 100% on the family as my job does interfere with my time at home.

I have a secure, relatively well-paid job and DH has a decent income too. If I leave my job we will have very little disposable income - c£450 a month for absolutely everything after mortgage, food, bills and loans - which is a big drop from our current income but I think it's just about do-able.

DH has been clear that he thinks I will regret the decision when we can't afford holidays, family lunches out etc - this is a big thing for me as I was raised in poverty so the idea of voluntarily giving up money is very difficult but right now I honestly think that I can worry about that later, and perhaps try to find some part-time or self-employed work in the longer term if necessary.

OP posts:
Abra1d · 29/08/2012 12:05

'in my experience it has been most difficult to have a career with older children and I have found I have needed to be around more in the early teenage years , holidays are more difficult and they have more input ,plus it's more a case of just being around if they need to talk etc and also being part of their lives, I think this is difficult to understand when you have littlies but I have found that I am not alone in finding work more difficult at this stage , childcare for a 3 year old is a cinch in comparison.'

Entirely agree with outtolunchagain. You never know when teenagers are suddenly going to confide in you about school/friends. If you're rushed at the end of the day, trying to cook, tidy up, etc, it's hard. One of the reasons I have a somewhat precarious freelance existence is that I can usually be around if I'm really needed by my teenagers. Even if I have to make up time very late at night. Classic example: daughter rang up one hour before prize-giving in July to tell me she'd just found out she was getting a prize, could I come? I could! By juggling work I made it there just in time.

lowfatiscrap12 · 29/08/2012 12:36

I agree. Children need you around far more as they get older. Teens need you more than preschoolers. When I was working and leaving my eldest home alone for a few hours, or longer, (she's 12) I hated it. She was lonely too. And I was always rushed rushed rushed.
My favourite phrase was 'I'm busy now, I'll look in a minute'.

Mrbojangles1 · 29/08/2012 12:56

I agree having a teen and being a sham i can see i often see chikdren from my lads school just hanging about and i do thing this is wear they an go off the rails i know one of ds mates who betends to vome stright hime after school but really he usually only gets in a few minutes before 6 so bsically he has been just hanging around for four hour my sons school finshes at 2:15

Also i find things like homework and keeping up with activites can fall by the wayside if somone is not at home

wordfactory · 29/08/2012 13:02

But surely you don't need to be around 24/7 on the off chance that your teen needs you. Isn't part of growing up, learning that the world doesn't revolve around you?

janey68 · 29/08/2012 13:04

Oh yes mrbojangles- they are all delinquents if they're teens with working parents. Haven't you seen the evidence?? If the parents work, the kids all end up on drugs and unemployed. If the parents aren't employed, the kids all go off to university and are pillars of the community. It's so blindingly obvious Wink

Abra1d · 29/08/2012 13:22

NObody is saying you need to be around fulltime with teenagers, wordfactory. I work nearly fulltime for part of the year, but I have been able to do it in a way that means I am here after school. I know I am lucky to be able to do this.

Thumbwitch · 29/08/2012 13:50

Not going to get embroiled in the whole SAHM vs WOHM thing but I think that, as you have worked out OP, you need to
a) discuss it further with your DH
b) work out a budget and see if it's honestly do-able, especially taking into account unforeseen circumstances (I know, how long's a piece of string, but you need to have a financial "cushion")
c) look at your career options - if you wouldn't be able to go back to the same career/role, is there something else you would be able/want to do instead?
d) at least ask at work about cutting back your hours, or maybe going on a sabbatical for a few months.
e) ask about working from home, part time, as well. I don't know what you do or even if it would be an option, but again if you don't ask you won't know.

I totally understand your feelings about re-prioritising, but you might find in a few months' time that you actually hate being a SAHM (equally, you might not!) and it would be a shame to have burnt your bridges completely if that turned out to be the case.

Good luck in finding a solution that works for all of you and achieves what you want.

outtolunchagain · 29/08/2012 14:06

Wordfactory yes of course they are becoming more independent but when they were small I could organise childcare go to work and not worry .At 13 to 15 for example , there is no holiday care , unless you are lucky and have sporty children and even then it's not all the time.,and I don't want to leave them at home on their own for hour after hour and as we live rurally we have almost no public transport .Their social lives are more complicated and don't always fit with work hours, so an atmosphere of compromise has to develop.Plus after school activities seem to get more complex.

Actually I do find that most important conversations actually take place when I am pottering after school and I just have found actually my teens have needed me more than say my 10 year old and in a less predictable way .

Bumblequeen · 29/08/2012 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Bonsoir · 29/08/2012 20:55

My DSSs are 15 and 17 and both their parents work FT. TBH, holiday care is a non-issue as we have always made sure they are busy with either holidays or courses or residential camps and I really don't think that hanging around at home with a SAHP is a good option unless you have no financial choice in the matter. When they need a lot of TLC and support is during term time. I have the most interesting and meaningful conversations with my DSSs at entirely unexpected times (doctors' waiting rooms, when they pop back home between classes etc). They never have those conversations with their mother, who just isn't available.

plim · 29/08/2012 21:22

I think being at home with your lil ones is priceless .....if you can afford to do it. I gave up a big salary, career in the city etc when I had my first - now have three. Couldn't afford not to go back though so freelance instead and set up a business. Can you go pt or freelance / consultant on flexible terms?

plim · 29/08/2012 21:23

I think being at home with your lil ones is priceless .....if you can afford to do it. I gave up a big salary, career in the city etc when I had my first - now have three. Couldn't afford not to go back though so freelance instead and set up a business. Can you go pt or freelance / consultant on flexible terms?

scottishmummy · 29/08/2012 21:25

career isn't just money
it's intellectual and vocational
I dont work solely for money

Chubfuddler · 29/08/2012 21:28

Sshh sm you're not supposed to enjoy it you know. It's only ok if your hair shirt is firmly in place.

Bonsoir · 29/08/2012 21:30

For some people work is their only means of accessing the wider world and developing as people. Fair enough, and understandably that is pretty priceless.

scottishmummy · 29/08/2012 21:30

aye,crying for my whey faced weans in mrs hannigans daycare
as guilt is supposed to be the maternal default
not for me im afraid,no qualms about working.at all

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 29/08/2012 21:37

"For some people work is their only means of accessing the wider world and developing as people. Fair enough, and understandably that is pretty priceless."

How very sneery. Maybe you shold be looking for some development opportunities of your own - help you grow out of that attitude maybe?

Chubfuddler · 29/08/2012 21:41

Oh this is vintage bonsoir. I'm of the view that her children are entirely fictional and she is actually Samantha brick.

Pagwatch · 29/08/2012 21:47

As usual, if you are speculating about how much more meaningful your day is than someone else's, you are compensating for something.

I have been a sahm. I have been a wohm. How I spent my day had very little to do with how good a mother I was or what my relationship with my children was like.

Aboutlastnight · 29/08/2012 22:28

For other people, work is the only means of paying the mortgage, ensuring the children have shoes and getting yourself a decent haircut. Developing as a person isn't really top of the list...

Chubfuddler · 29/08/2012 22:31

No one said it was top of the list. Is it so wrong that it is on the list?

scottishmummy · 29/08/2012 22:33

And conversely not all folk resent work
it's not always guilt ridden
or a day as wage slave

janey68 · 29/08/2012 22:35

I work for a mixture of reasons - as I'm sure many others do- to use my skills and training, earn, secure my future through a pension, meet interesting people and ... Erm... Yes, I guess developing as a person is part of it. Along with all the other aspects of life which develop me as a person

lowfatiscrap12 · 29/08/2012 22:37

oh dear bonsoir, you seem to have hit a raw nerve.

Pagwatch · 29/08/2012 22:41

Confused it isn't a raw nerve with me. I am a sham and have been for fucking years.

I just think that you are making sneery judgements about how other families construct their lives together and care for their children you are possibly less happy about your own choices than you feign.

I love being at home but I can quite see how others could happily set up their lives differently and it would work. Because they are different from me and their houses only need to work for them. No one else.

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