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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up a well paid job to be a SAHM?

400 replies

Blackonesugarplease · 28/08/2012 08:44

Name-changed for this.

DH thinks that I would be unreasonable to give up my job to be a SAHM to our young children.

In short, following a bereavement I have subconsciously re-evaluated my priorities. I am desperate to stay at home with my 3 young children as I can't bear to put them in childcare any more - getting them up at 6 and not seeing them for 11 hours a day, juggling the holidays etc. I know they're fine, but they're not with me, and I know I will never be able to get this time back.

If leave I'm unlikely to be able to return to the same career, let alone the same role, but I'm absolutely fine with that. I don't want to reduce my hours, I simply want to quit so I can focus 100% on the family as my job does interfere with my time at home.

I have a secure, relatively well-paid job and DH has a decent income too. If I leave my job we will have very little disposable income - c£450 a month for absolutely everything after mortgage, food, bills and loans - which is a big drop from our current income but I think it's just about do-able.

DH has been clear that he thinks I will regret the decision when we can't afford holidays, family lunches out etc - this is a big thing for me as I was raised in poverty so the idea of voluntarily giving up money is very difficult but right now I honestly think that I can worry about that later, and perhaps try to find some part-time or self-employed work in the longer term if necessary.

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 30/08/2012 09:54

Janey, I an very much working just as hard to support our family at home. My DP works long hours in the week- maybe home once a week to do bath time. He sometimes goes to the office all day Saturday, he does not see it is him allowing me to indulge my stepford wife fantasy life we he works to himself into an early grave! He does not want to be a SAHP, I did want to be for the early years. We wanted someone at home do it is me. He still has a meaningful relationship with his DC, they are very close. He could not have had a break in his career when my first was born, he was in the process of qualifying to be an Architect. I already had my MA under my belt so it would've made no sense for the family to have ultimately suffered in the long run from my DP remaining a part ii Architect. Please quit with the insuation that all SAHM are putting upon their poor old hubbys who are busting a gut to 'facilitate' their wives selfishness. My poor old DP is enhancing his career, able to go for company drinks/restaurants with clients as there is always someone at home to look after his children. He doesn't want to give this up. Some people don't you know!

Goldenbear · 30/08/2012 09:56

Apologies for the lack of paragraphs above.

janey68 · 30/08/2012 10:00

Why so defensive Goldenbear? Hmm

I was responding to the poster who said sadly her dh does have a less meaningful relationship with his children because of his work. I think that's very sad for the children, because ultimately they deserve a good relationship with both parents.
Kayano- couldn't agree more. I can't see how it would benefit if I'd spent every waking moment with my children until they went to school, if my dh was barely getting a look in

Goldenbear · 30/08/2012 10:06

Yes in a perfect world myself and DP would split the child care 50/50 and paid employment 50/50 but in our world that set up does not exist/ did not exist when I had my first.

Perhaps their relationship is lacking with my DP due to the hours he works (I don't think so) but it was important to us to have one of us at home with them full time we felt anything else was a compromise.

Goldenbear · 30/08/2012 10:09

I should add a compromise to their happiness when DS was a baby. DD is a baby still but I'm not planning on being SAHM forever.

lowfatiscrap12 · 30/08/2012 10:24

Bonsoir has been judged as sneery, yet some of the most sneeringly judgmental stuff is coming from the WOHM's, namely scottish, word and janey. How odd.

janey68 · 30/08/2012 10:25

Oi get back up bonsoirs bum

Kayano · 30/08/2012 10:26

I dot think Janey and word har been sneery? Am I missing something?

Kayano · 30/08/2012 10:26

Ha, there you go x posts :P

lowfatiscrap12 · 30/08/2012 10:28

and predictable. In fact, going back a few pages/days, one of them bumped this thread when it had gone cold for a while. I wonder why they feel the need to keep peddling the myth that stay at home Mums are downtrodden, powerless and stepford? And then get pissed off when a sahm bites back with comments along the line of not wanting to miss precious moments.
Oh yes. Precious moments=sentimental bollocks. Deriving self-esteem from work=important benefit of working. Just don't mention the benefits of staying at home because that would be sneery.

lowfatiscrap12 · 30/08/2012 10:30

yes Kayano, you're missing something. The ability to be objective.

wordfactory · 30/08/2012 10:32

lowfat I hate to break it to you, but I'm not a WOHM.

I didn't sat Bonsoir's post was nseery, I said it was odd. Which it is, considering how much of a hands on parent her DH is.

lowfatiscrap12 · 30/08/2012 10:33

word, I hate to break it to you, but scottish has been far more sneery in her posts than bonsoir. The fact that you can't see that, or acknowledge that, is rather strange.

Kayano · 30/08/2012 10:34

Did you mean to sound so rude?

Really? How have I not been objective? I've put my thoughts on here and said what I would do in different situations depending on the job market of today, long hours for DH or a higher salary for DH with the same hours?

It's all very thought through and agreed with DH and we are very happy and both love putting our little girl to bed at night.

I think I'm pretty objective and organised and you can do one quite frankly.

Kayano · 30/08/2012 10:35

Word is a sahm so you can't even get your arguments straight... It's quite odd as you put it

wordfactory · 30/08/2012 10:35

Fummy how you levelled that at pagwatch too, telling her she had raw nerve because she was a WOHM, when in fact she's a SAHM.

Some of us are able to see that the way we live our lives isn't the only one. Others work perfectly well. And the idea that WOHMs don't have meaningful relationships with their DC but WOHDs can is...well...odd.

NotYouNaanBread · 30/08/2012 10:39

I would put a lot of thought into the possibility of part time or consultancy in your field. I really thought I wanted to be a SAHM, but the reality of it was a bit Shock and I found that working part time gave me just the emotional balance I needed (and hopefully, some day, some money too!).

panicnotanymore · 30/08/2012 10:42

Life decisions are personal - what suits one may not suit another, but it doesn't mean any choice is better iyswim. I echo what was said at the beginning of the thread - a decision to radically change the family set up should be made jointly with DH, as his opinion is just as valid.

I gave up a very well paid career, and I regret it. I miss the social interaction, brain stimulation, and structure of my job. I feel years of qualifications dripping away, and I feel like I have so much more to offer that I do not have the chance to give. I hate the domestic side of home life and would rather pay someone else to do that. That is ME though, my issues, my insecurities, my priorities... If I could turn back time I would, but as it is I am stuck, looking for low paid uninteresting roles as that is all that is on offer to someone in my industry who has had a career break. The recession has hit hard, there are many highly qualified up to date applicants for every role and I am not an attractive option in comparison.

OP think about the reality - life at home is HARD, ask any SAHM.

mindosa · 30/08/2012 10:43

I agree with the posters who have said that those who cannot have respect for others choices are clearly lacking in something themselves. Perhaps its dissatisfaction or unhappiness but the extreme posters who claim that SAHM's are stepford wives and that WAHM are devoid of relationships with their children reek of insecurity.

Goldenbear · 30/08/2012 10:43

Ultimately, the OP has said in her original post that the bereavement has been the cataylist in questioning what is important to her. She has not said that it is work, she has said that she wants to be at home with her children. I think people are being defensive because let's face it the OP is questioning whether she has her priorities wrong in working. When it comes to children people if they care are always questioning their choices relating to them.

lowfatiscrap12 · 30/08/2012 10:55

Yes, I did mean to be rude. But if you look back very carefully, it's always in response to rude sneery comments made by other posters who routinely(on here and similar threads) bump and make the stepford style comments. I don't know why they're so angry and defensive about their decision to work, if they're happy about that decision/choice/situation.
When I was a working Mum (for several years) I didn't give a flying fuck what anyone thought of my choice! And I don't give a flying fuck what anyone thinks about my current decision to be a sahm either. But I will tell someone to fuck off if they're being offensive and deliberately unpleasant.

Kayano · 30/08/2012 11:06

So you did mean to me rude to me? I didn't say those things so you being rude to me is actually pathetic. You have said people who are SAHMs are WOHMs and can't even keep it together in your head who is who

You have just jumped on people who don't agree with you and deemed them sneery, and then been deliberatley rude to me just for asking where the sneeryness was.

I think you need a lie down or something? Or go away and then come back and re-read later or something.

I've already said I have been quite objective and have well thought out views on what I would do in certain situation and you are being rude to me because you are in a bad mood about what other people have said?

Are you actually 12?

lowfatiscrap12 · 30/08/2012 11:13

oh my christ Kayano, calm down and get over yourself. I pointed out that other people were sneerier than Bonsoir. Actually, I don't think I'm being rude, just pointing out that you've missed the truly sneery posters. And jumped on others. For some odd reason.

Kayano · 30/08/2012 11:16

What's wrong with you? I have just asked you did you mean to be so rude

To which you replied yes I did mean to be rude

And now I need to calm down because actually you don't think you were rude?

I am actually very calm just pointing out the flaws in your arguments (saying SAHMs are WOHMs just because they don't agree) so there is no need for me to calm down Wink

Kayano · 30/08/2012 11:17

And actually you jumped on me first if you read back (correctly this time eh?)