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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up a well paid job to be a SAHM?

400 replies

Blackonesugarplease · 28/08/2012 08:44

Name-changed for this.

DH thinks that I would be unreasonable to give up my job to be a SAHM to our young children.

In short, following a bereavement I have subconsciously re-evaluated my priorities. I am desperate to stay at home with my 3 young children as I can't bear to put them in childcare any more - getting them up at 6 and not seeing them for 11 hours a day, juggling the holidays etc. I know they're fine, but they're not with me, and I know I will never be able to get this time back.

If leave I'm unlikely to be able to return to the same career, let alone the same role, but I'm absolutely fine with that. I don't want to reduce my hours, I simply want to quit so I can focus 100% on the family as my job does interfere with my time at home.

I have a secure, relatively well-paid job and DH has a decent income too. If I leave my job we will have very little disposable income - c£450 a month for absolutely everything after mortgage, food, bills and loans - which is a big drop from our current income but I think it's just about do-able.

DH has been clear that he thinks I will regret the decision when we can't afford holidays, family lunches out etc - this is a big thing for me as I was raised in poverty so the idea of voluntarily giving up money is very difficult but right now I honestly think that I can worry about that later, and perhaps try to find some part-time or self-employed work in the longer term if necessary.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 29/08/2012 22:42
Grin

Never, ever has they been a more apt typo.

I am indeed a sham

Chubfuddler · 29/08/2012 22:43

I love you pagwatch. I don't care how sucky uppy that sounds.

janey68 · 29/08/2012 22:45

Hear hear pagwatch
(not about the sham though!)

Pagwatch · 29/08/2012 22:51

Grin it's fine. I have drunk lots of wine - I am a sham.

Chubfuddler · 29/08/2012 22:53

Ooh me too pag. V tough day at substitute for real life office.

Pagwatch · 29/08/2012 22:55

I am amazed we are still upright awake Chub Grin

TellyBug · 29/08/2012 23:03

What happens when your kids are a bit older, they don't need you like they did before and you haven't worked for 10 years? You'll still be young and your career could be over.

ssd · 29/08/2012 23:14

tellybug, then she'll miss working

or she'll keep working and miss her kids

its not rocket science

janey68 · 29/08/2012 23:14

Pour me one too pagwatch. I've also had a tough day developing myself Grin

scottishmummy · 29/08/2012 23:19

I dont miss kids when working
don't miss work when with kids
at all

jellybeans · 29/08/2012 23:21

YANBU. I was a SAHM since DD2. Main reasons were my experience of f/t work and childcare was not what I wanted for us/DC and it was simply easier all round for one of us to be home (DH works shifts and sometimes away) as well as what I felt was right deep down. Since sadly having two stillborn babies also my priorities are even more being here for DC so I can understand the bereavement angle. Every moment with my DC means everything since we lost 4 babies and struggled having the others with major interventions and complications. I think if you want to stay home and can do so you won't regret it. It's a shame some mothers are 'not allowed' to stay home even when it may be best for some families and what mum and children would want and benefit from in some cases. There are savings to be had when SAH maybe set these out to DH? Benefits of less stress to family? Etc etc. Maybe agree to look part time when DC abit older?

toysoldiers · 30/08/2012 07:53

I gave up a well paid job that I loved to move out of London.

I've been freelancing for the last 3 years but some days I regret it. Actually, regret is probably the wrong word but there is definitely a kind grieving process for the life I thought I'd have.

I love the fact I can take DS to school every day and am around most days after school.

You can adjust to living on less money but there are times when it's not much fun - and much harder than you think.

Also, I hate being reliant on DH for money - it makes me feel very vulnerable and changes the balance in our relationship.

£450 a month spare is fine, until the car needs a new clutch, or the washing machine breaks, and then it is not so easy.

In your position, I would try very hard to negotiate part time - and see how you get on with that.

Your children will be fine no matter what you decide Wink

wordfactory · 30/08/2012 08:18

What an odd post Bonsoir.

I've heard you say many times how good a father your DH is, how much time he spends with his DC and how meaningful his relationship is with them. And yet he works full time!!!!

How then, is it that women need to be available as SAHPs to have a similarly good relationship?

Proudnscary · 30/08/2012 08:27

Oh I see this thread's gone the same old way.

I think the SAHM v WOHM is the worst fight of all fights on here - it is so fundamentally unsisterly.

It's really low to post hurtful comments about somebody else's choices when it comes to their children - talk about hitting where it bloody hurts.

But...ba ha ha ha @ Pagwatch's sham life! Grin

wordfactory · 30/08/2012 08:48

It's also very puzzling.

If posters are saying they can't have a meaningful relationship with their DC and work, then what about their DHs? Are they honestly saying their DHs don't have a meaningful relationship with their DC?

I dunno. I'm around 24/7 for my DC, but couldn't possibly say that DH is a worse parent than me. He's actually far superior than me in some respects. And he manages to do that and work very long hours in a demanding job. Is it his penis that gives him these magic powers?

Chubfuddler · 30/08/2012 08:58

Arf at penis magic powers

toysoldiers · 30/08/2012 08:59

I had a conversation with a male friend recently about the whole work life balance thing.

We agreed that the ideal would be that both parents worked 3-4 days a week. However until men are given the same expectations, legally and culturally, without being viewed as uncommitted, feminism still has a lot to do.

Hilariously, he said 'I couldn't possibly work a 4 day week as my boss would still expect 5 days worth of work without paying for it'

Yes, you and every other woman in that situation Angry

outtolunchagain · 30/08/2012 09:07

Actually it saddens me but my dh most definitely does not have the same relationship with the children that I have , and this is partly because of his long working hours.He rarely sees them during the week , at least he didn't when they were younger .

A few years ago he moved jobs to get a better balance but within months it was clear his hours were climbing again, I had increased mine slightly but cut down again as I do feel that for ustwo full on careers were incompatible with having the family life we wanted

outtolunchagain · 30/08/2012 09:08

Sorry the bonding went a bit odd there , really just wanted to stress that that was what worked for us but others may be able to do the two full time careers

outtolunchagain · 30/08/2012 09:08

Bonding =bolding

janey68 · 30/08/2012 09:21

I completely agree with your last two posts wordfactory.
I think it's very sad if a dad is working ridiculous hours or under a lot of stress in order to facilitate mum staying at home, because ultimately, if it does mean he has a less meaningful relationship with his children, then they are missing out. Children thrive on meaningful relationships with both parents. I know that can be really hard to achieve in a split family (though I've seen some amazing examples of separated parents who work damn hard to maintain those meaningful relationships)
In a family which are together though- how sad if the children don't get such a positive bond with one parent.

Ladylazarus2 · 30/08/2012 09:30

There is no right and wrong answer to this question. There's only what's right for you as a family.

Most people do the thing that is easiest and most convenient for them to do, or take the option that leads to preserving sanity. So parents like me, who would go bonkers at home, tend to work. Other parents who would go bonkers trying to keep everything going tend to stay at home.

I do however agree that your DH has to be completely accepting of this and on-board with having sole responsibility for bringing home the bacon.

mindosa · 30/08/2012 09:31

Scottishmummy Are you for real? I know lots of SAHM and WOHM (full and part time) and I have never encountered anyone so dogmatic in their views.
Whether to work or not is such an individual choice and you cannot really judge someone for choosing to stay home/work.
In my case lack of financial independence (my mother was a poverty stricken deserted wife) coupled with a big drop in quality of life and the fact that i work p/t means that I will probably never give up work.
I can see why people do though and I can respect that choice.

scottishmummy · 30/08/2012 09:43

sahm threads they polarize opinions,and are mn perennial
not unsisterly in least to vociferously discuss,as there is no universal sister or sisterly experience
we all do what we need to do to meet demands upon us, and in doing so if that causes someone else consternation, well tough

Kayano · 30/08/2012 09:48

My dad worked 6 or seven days a week so my mum could be a sahm

He was shocked my DH wouldn't do the same.

He couldn't get it that I wanted a good family life and that family shock included DH. I would hate him to have to work longer/ harder so I could stay off. I remember missing my dad.

If he had a higher salary for the same hours I think I might drop another day from my own job but the way things are at the minute I dot think I would feel
Comfortable leaving work all together (I do 3 days)

I think of course you can make your steer fly if you have a sahp because childcare is not a concern and you can stay late, do extra hours etc....

But I just don't think it's worth it if the man I chose to spend my life with and have children with cant be here to enjoy it with me