to stay with a man who hates fat women?

[grips]

just that really. i have a partner and he is very vocal about his disgust for overweight people and women in particular. he says that hes sure they are nice people but he cant help but judge them for being overweight. i always pull him up on it but it really bothers me.

I wouldn't want to be with anyone who could express disgust for anyone over something like how they look. I don't like people who are that shallow. They tend to not be nice people in other ways, once you remove the rose tinted glasses and really look. You don't often find a lovely, generous, kind hearted sweetie with one irrational hatred of a certain group of people that they are compelled to bang on about...

Plus, I want to be with someone whose love for me is not conditional on my looking a certain way. Anything can happen to someone. You can get depressed, or have an accident and put on weight. You can develop a medical condition and put on weight.

Other things can happen that will affect the way you look too, illness, accident, injury...

I don't want to be with someone and wonder if they would walk out of the door if I had an injury or something.

Thing is I feel sort of sorry for people who bitch about fat people, because fat people can at least change things by losing weight when/if they want to. People who judge them and bitch about them will unfortunately not be able to change the fact that they are cunts, and nasty ones at that.

I judge fat people, women and men. My DP judges fat men and fat women's. We both think it's quite disgusting to be obese.

And come on, if you ballon from a size 10 to a size 16 for no other reason than youve been eating all the pies then your DP would have every right not to feel attracted to you...

At the risk of being called a sanctimonious old cow I think if you're going to judge someone, let it be for the person they are and not for the shape of their body. Let it be for whether they are nice, or kind, or thoughtful, or generous, or funny, or loyal or loving...

not for how much they eat.

I'm with Hecate.

Judge people for their actions, not for their looks, it really is the worst kind of prejudice.

Just horrid.

I place a value judgement on people with attitudes like you do whois. Not on people who, for a million personal reasons, have weight problems.

Grips, just tell him you understand because you'd dump him if he put on even a few pounds as you'd find him so revolting

I always think of a chocolate bar in these situations.

It's the lovely bright wrapper that attracts you to it but ultimately its what's inside that's most interesting. Afterall you throw the wrapper away and it becomes less important. We don't all like the same chocolate bars and we are all attracted to different ones for different reasons.

And its the same with people, yes you need to be attracted to them but ultimately its their heart and personality that comes through and lasts the test of time.

You never know what life might throw at you, time takes its toll on us eventually. Sometimes we change on the outside and on the inside too. But having watched my ddad care and love my dmum through cancer which ravaged and changed her body beyond recognition I know which one I would take my chances on.

Pm me your address, OP.

I'll come round and sit on him until he swears fat women are fabulous. I fucking am.

I love all the people on this thread claiming he is shallow and she should leave him, then on another thread about short men, people defend their view that they would never date someone smaller than them.

Yep, I'm with Hecate, too. Whois and BarredfromhavingStella's views are quite astonishing.

I have an acquaintance like this, whose daughter, at 17, is so miserable about having to measure up to her mother's idea of perfection that she's pulled out all her eyelashes and put on about two stone in a year. Everyone (apart from her mother) can see what the problem is... Her mother has actually told a mutual friend that she is 'embarrassed' to be seen with her own DD because of her appearance.

I have a friend whose Ceasarean did not heal well which has has left her abdomen and mons area puffy and disfigured (fat-looking, although the rest of her is average size). She is in bits about it. Should her DP leave her?

My own appearance-obsessed mother used to tell my DB and me not to wait for her outside her workplace because when people saw us they would 'know how old she was' (I think she was trying to make out she was 25 or something when we were obviously mid-teens).

Do those people on this thread who admit to judging people on their appearance really have no idea how crass they are?

There's a big difference between having personal preferences for what attracts you, ie, I prefer tall men as I'm nearly 6ft myself, and declaring that all people of a certain type are foul and wring, ie, 'short men are minging' (this isn't my view by the way!).

My husband is 6'3" and likes a curvy lady, how convenient.

drafter - has anyone said they hate short people, and that short people disgust and revolt them?

Because there is a big difference between what physically turns you on and saying that someone who is is revolting, disgusting, foul and you hate them. And adding that if your partner ever became this - you wouldn't love them any more/want to be with them any more.

don't you think?

Whois. Why do you care if people are fat? Why does it bother you? I what way does it affect you?
A partner should love you for you.

Nobody has said that short men are disgusting.
But it's not just personal opinion. It's very ingrained in us that men should be the tall powerful ones. And that's shit for women and for short men! Where the majority if people think by definition they unattractive.

I love all the people on this thread claiming he is shallow and she should leave him, then on another thread about short men, people defend their view that they would never date someone smaller than them.

The difference here is that the OP is in a relationship with someone who he claims to love, and then goes on to say that if she gained weight he would only want to be friends.

Not liking short men is about initial attraction and not the same thing here.

I mean he claims to love her

whois but what if I like eating pie, and because my self worth is not directly proportional to my body mass, I decide I'd quite like to eat all of them? Why should I expect my partner to look down on me because my self confidence is healthy and I enjoy food? Why are they undesirable traits?
Yes, we all have preferences, that's not the problem here. The issue is wanky fucks who think that they can be disgusting to someone just because they don't find them attractive- that's not cool at all.

You know the old adage - judge a person by how they treat people they think are less important than them like waitresses for example.

It appears he values physical appearance over all other characteristics and that he thinks rather highly of his own physical appearance. Woe betide you if you put on weight even if its due to pregnancy or ill health or you just get a bit older, wrinkled, grey etc because you might not meet his exacting standards anymore.

What the hell gives him the right to stand in self-righteous judgment over everyone else? Has he found the cure for cancer?

Well these discussions always upset me. I think everyone is worthy of love and everyone is attractive for some trait - it may be their bodies, it may be their eyes, it may be their smile, or their kindness, or their strength.

If I lined up my boyfriends from the last 20 years it would be an amazing array of different looks. My tallest was 6' 9", my shortest is my now DP, who is the same height as me (5'5") I have dated skinny rakes and extremely well upholstered men.

What they all have in common is some kind of magnetic x-factor. They are all men who attract other people, who are sociable and the life and soul of a party all have been kind and giving. It is no coincidence that a few of them have gone on to be well known on tv or radio or in journalism and music - because I am attracted by charismatic men.

Luckily for me, charisma is something that remains despite what happens to a person's exterior as is kindness and generosity. I find that sexy - i honestly do!

I think to say fat people are disgusting and to snigger behind their backs or be incredulous that they 'let themselves get that way' is spectacularly missing the point about weight gain. If it was just a matter of will power, I think the many thousands of strong, intelligent, able, determined people who struggle with their weight would be able to lose weight easily. There are biological and psychological factors involved in weight that are far more complicated than 'eat less, move more'. That is an incredibly simplistic view.

...and to be disgusted (disgusted?!) by overweight people is a really awful, mean spirited and nasty reaction to have. Fair enough, don't have sex with an overweight person if it personally bothers you so much (although I fear you may be missing out on some great experiences - being good in bed has so little to do with physicality and lots to do with feeling and skill), but don't call them disgusting or laugh or judge.

Lifeissweet. Great post, I completely agree

I have to laugh when women get offended that other women don't find a trait their OH has attractive. I don't get it. My OH is short. I don't give a shiney shite whether anyone else finds him attractive or not because of this (TBH I don't generally fancy short men myself! All my ex's have been at least 6ft 3 apart from my first boyfriend, but he was still taller than me).

I don't find being overweight attractive. I don't have as many issues with it as my ex. I just don't. The same way i don't generally find bald men, darker skinned men (I like pale blokes), men with really long hair attractive.

That doesn't make somebody shallow, That makes you normal. It's only shallow if you would discount them automatically for no other reason than having one trait you don't like. I've never done this. I've slept with people who posses every one of the traits i just listed above.

I think that's the difference here, TheQueen - The OP's partner is not merely finding fat unattractive. If that's all it was then I think most people could shrug it off as each to their own. What he is doing is making comments and judgements about people he doesn't even know purely based on their size. I would be so hugely turned off by a man so mean spirited that he feels the need to do this. It's just simply not on. It's childish and nasty. If he's not being asked to have a relationship with someone or sleep with someone, then how is their physical appearance anything at all to do with him.

I wouldn't stay with someone like this. I could maybe understand if he was talking about doubling your body weight, but he's not, is he?

When my DP met me I was a size 8. Over the last couple of years he's watched me balloon to 11 1/2 stone at barely 5' due to a combination of I'll health meaning I couldn't exercise, courses of steroids & yes, pies. (Because to be frank, when you feel like shit and have a big moon face, you don't tend to be focussing on your skinny jeans, or at least I wasn't).

He's cleaned up sick & worse. He's run around after me when I couldn't walk to the shops having previously been superfit.

He still fancies me and now I'm healthy, he would also like me to lose some weight, but because he knows I will feel better & have more confidence. I have lost some of the weight and would like to lose more, but I am worried he'll run off if I don't!

OP I get the impression from your post that your DP is only in it for the good times & tbh that's not 'love'.

I used to work on a gastric ward so I can sympathise with people that do end up getting obese as they do have genuine problems that result in them becoming so huge, but I still find it really repulsive :S

Just to be clear I don't laugh at obese people or judge them in a freak show kind of way but I do feel really really sorry for them because they either acknowledge that what they're doing is killing them and do nothing about it, acknowledge that what they're doing is bad for them and struggle or remain ignorant and continue with what they're doing.

I can't consider judging obese people to be in the same bracket as judging someone for being bald or ugly because obesity is socially damaging- by this I don't mean people that are a little bit overweight, I'm talking about the people that obtain type 2 diabetes and can't walk properly because of their weight.

I do agree that we should judge people that overeat in the same way that we judge smokers or drunks- they're doing themselves no favours and normalising that sort of health behaviour. But there is a difference between wanting people to be healthy and judging people in a chauvinistic uncaring kind of way.

Totally lifeissweet - that's it in a nutshell right there.

The problem is not that he finds fat people unattractive, but that he chooses to be nasty about them, when there is no need to be at all.