to want another child although strictly speaking we can't afford it?

[melonandpapayaandmango]

If we had a fourth, no one would starve, no one would go barefoot and no one would be homeless.

DD is 5, DS1 is 3 and DS2 is only 3 months. I've always wanted a big family, DH was happy with 2 children but I persuaded him to have a 3rd - he agreed and now he has said he likes the idea of an even number.

at the moment my two older children share a room (DS2 is in with us) but we hope to move house in the next 2 years but it would probably be a 3 bedroom property meaning the two boys would still have to share - a third DS would go in with them, a daughter would share with DD.

it's mainly the living space - any thoughts?

Hmmm that salary is going to leave things a bit stretched for the 'extras' like clubs, but would be manageable I suppose. What kind of family life do you envisage? I always wanted lots of sports and clubs for mine and that adds up with 3 kids. At the age yours are, you haven't really hit that yet. We pay about 30 quid a week for 3 kids on afterschool stuff like swimming, football and gymnastics.
Also, don't rely on the child benefit. Imagine life minus 200 quid a month - would that be ok for you or not? We have a 7 seater anyway with 3 kids so that wouldn't make much difference. It's nice to have a bit more space in the car
We couldn't 'afford' 4 and our salary is higher, but of course everyone has different things they are willing to compromise on. All I'll say is 5 year olds don't cost much. 10 year olds cost a lot more. Shudder to think what teenagers will cost us

What an odd question. I don't know, we don't plan to get divorced!

It' not odd as 50 percent of marriages end up in divorce so how would you cope financially if you had more children and ended up divorced is prudent planning.

Sorry mercibucket, not you!

I think you (general you) tend to manage and get by on what you have if you see what I mean. We're not fussed about expensive holidays or hobbies particularly but obviously I wouldn't want to deprive a DC of something they DID want to do in the future.

That said, I'm not sure a fourth DC would be the 'tipping' point for that - in other words we probably couldn't afford it now anyway!

Novack - Well, we have 3 children now and since I don't work we couldn't cope if we got divorced. So it's a good thing we don't plan to.

Not many plan to but 50 percent of folks do end up that way. It seems prudent to always plan your finances even for out comes you might find a horror to face at the moment.

But as I aid earlier if you can afford to without relying on benefits etc then what you do with you own money is your choice.

I will be back at work by the time mine are teens so we will almost double our income (I had a good paid job) we struggle now but I know its not going to be forever and at some point we will reap the rewards

Ok, I get that you've always wanted four but there are lots of things in life we'd love to have if money were no object. Personally, I think you would be making life very difficult for yourself, your husband and your kids. You would be very stretched in every way - financially, emotionally, physically.

You need to think about the balance of your life and not just now when the kids are small but also as they grow up and cost more money, have different emotional needs etc. Also, are you able to make time for your relationship with your husband and have a bit of space for yourself too?

I have got two dc, six and three and I am definitely done and dusted - any more would finish me off but then I'm probably much older than you (41)

Good luck whatever you decide!

I have three and I literally couldn't do it all over again, I'm shattered. When I see a pregnant woman I thank God it isn't me.

I see my family of five as a big family in today's world, no way could I add another and my DH earns more than yours.

BUT......I do understand the urge to have another, I put off having DC3 for years, there are 7 and 9 years between her and her brothers but I couldn't have not had her iyswim, I just HAD to.

That's how I feel Iggle - I think there would be someone missing if we didn't have a fourth, although it's a worry financially.

On £40,000 at the moment you'd get tax credits and child benefit so that will help, if your DH earns more money you could end up worse off by loosing those tax free benefits.
I do understand the urge for a 4th and its not logical emotions aren't. Think of the older threes quality of life though they want brand names and stuff at 10 and 12 and a baby sister instead doesn't quite cut the muster.

I want four or five. DH says "anywhere between 3 and 8". (We do plan on adopting some!) For now, we just plan on going hell for leather and re-evaluating with each plan. (Only got one at the moment.)

I think it all depends on your individual circumstances and what your priorities are. I have a friend who only wants 2 (actually both of my best friends want 2 and would be devastated to have more...at least that's what they say now, they don't have any yet!) They both think things like massive holidays and separate rooms are very important, and there's nothing wrong with that.

I personally just want to have a big family, and they will go to the local school down the road, which is free and provides a good-enough education and does not have uniforms, and if they want to play team sports they are not that expensive through the school. And my family owns a lake cabin and we will go there for holidays.

So I'd say go for it, but that's just me personally. :)

Each child , not each plan.

I think so long as you are prepared to make the compromises for your family, and so long as you can afford it out of your money then it's up to you. It's not like you just fancy a large family and are expecting the state to fund it for you.

The only thing I'd say, is don't assume that just Because you want lots of kids, they will all get along superbly right through to adulthood. No one can predict the family dynamic. I personally would worry about the room sharing thing (either 3 boys in together which might be great when theyre under 8 but not when they're teens, or 2 girls with an 8 year age gap.... How would she feel at 14 sharing with a 6 year old?) I know everyone shared in the old days but there is more of a culture of people having pr

Oops. ... More or a culture of privacy now

I would also be concerned about long term childcare costs for 4, assuming at some point you'll want to work again.

Up to you and your dh though- its your life and your money. Is he equally keen? Because that would he another deal breaker for me.

I am 10 years older than my sis - we were expected to share (many years ago) and it was a complete PITA - she was too young to understand the "my space/ your space" type of thing - used all my stuff, spread all her little bits of cr** everywhere.
I could not have friends round as it was "unreasonable" to expect her to stay out of her own room etc, etc, etc....

My girls do share - they choose to - they are 18months apart - we have a small spare/box room we converted into a sitting/tv/den type room for them - so they can have privacy with their friends..

Yes, it is a worry BytheWay - I am happy for the children to share until they are 10 or so but beyond that I would love for them to have their own bedrooms; while I think we could stretch to a 4 bedroomed house in the (relative) near future not so sure about a 5 bed ...

We don't live very fancy lives anyway, the deal breakers are the size of the house and the university fees.

We began married life with me wanting 4 and DH wanting 2 so DS was supposed to be our last baby and although I felt sad I respected my DH's wishes. However, DH now says he'd be happy to have 4 - we just need to do some sums.

OK OP. The realities although we live in London. DD's activities (drama, singing, instrument, maths tutor) come to about £800 per term. DS's which are sports based, with the cost of travel about £500. School trips in the last 12 months have come to about a £1000 with £2,500 on top for a sports tour for which DS was selected. Just imagine what it would feel like to have to say no to that sort of opportunity.

If they were at state schools fares would come to about £13 pw (with an Oyster) and dinner money for two would be £20 pw minimum. They are teenagers and the quantities of food are industrial - I think I spend about £200 per week although accept I could reduce this to between £130-£150 (possibly a bit less if I didn't buy beers and a couple of bottles of wine a week).

They are 14 and 17. DS is presently at Reading (£197). Two phone contracts (they need to keep in touch and I don't want them running out of credit), DS now has a monthly allowance of £80.00 (I still buy his clothes) and before anyone starts if you play sport seriously and are in the 6th form, no you can't get a job at weekends or secure that place at a Russell Group Uni if you are working in the evenings (unless you are a genius).

One part of me is saying don't underestimate the costs of teenagers.

However a big part of me looks at it from a different perspective. We bought a large house in the early 90s because we wanted a big family, at least three or four children. After many pgs including DS2 who was born at 27 weeks and didn't make it, we eventually produced two children and I didn't have the strength to face another miscarriage or neo-natal death. At 52 with two lovely teenagers, my biggest and only regret is not trying to have that third child. And if DS2 could have survived I would have been prepared to give away our last penny to make it happen.

If what you both want is four children then go for it; none of us know what's around the corner but everyone's life is happier if their glass is half full. In three/four years your dh may be a deputy head, in five after that may be a head. Later on perhaps a housemaster in the independent sector, with it a house and heavily subsidised school fees with your own property rented out; or a headship in a cheaper area. If you don't seek your dream you will never have it.

PS: Some decent life insurance might be a good idea though as a little cushion on top of the TPS benefits (just in case)

Thing is, it's not just the money - spreading you and DH over 3 DCs to make sure they all get the attention and 1:1 time will be hard enough, with 4 will you ever be able to do that? If one of your DCs is gifted at something extracurricula (sport or music), will you be able to have the time to take them to things, or will they just have to miss out?

Thanks for that honest post, marriedinwhite. I think the reality is that with 3 children, which is what we currently have and DS2 isn't going anywhere sporting and social activities are going to have to be limited. In the future, I think each child will get to choose a hobby they want to do and we will pay for that one hobby - but anything extra we'll have to say no to, sad, but then it is life.

I will say, I've got no intention at all of paying for my children's education (prior to university) - will not pay for private tutors or for private education, nor will DH work for an independent school. I'm not saying that to sound like a tit, it's just it's come up in a few posts now and it won't ever happen so it's something of a non sequiter.

I may leave it later until 2016 but then it means there would be a gap of 9 years between DC1 and DC4 and if DC4 is a girl I'd rather them be closer together than not.

Wish I could decide!

I would love another child. I have two, one with SN and one with possible SN and I am a lone parent. So its just not possible . I think I will always regret it though because I do think I would manage. I know I would, I always do and be a good parent to all three. It would just be so frowned upon though and it probably isn't fair on the two already here.

Don'tmindifIdo - like I say, if we had a gifted child (which I have to say is unlikely!) it would be just as difficult with 3 as with 4, to be honest. If (say) DS2 turns out to be amazing at football I'd still have to work that out between DD and DS1.

If I was you, I would.

I accept your point about school fees and merely put in the bit about the housmaster job as a maybe because none of us know what's around the corner.

I will though beg to differ about the tutors though. Due to circumstances that you can't influence, it may be essential to have a tutor from time to time. DD had the maths tutor due to poor teaching for one year and this is something that can happen wherever your child attends school and sometimes there are gaps that need to be plugged in essential subjects for the sake of a child's future. Now your DH may be a maths teacher and therefore it might not be an issue. But please don't dismiss the issue of tutors out of hand.

I have one child. One.

I feel very blessed to have her.

We cannot have another.

Honestly OP, I know I'll get roasted for saying it, but 3 children is a lovely size for a family.

Enjoy what you've got I say.