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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to exclude one child

394 replies

Ithinkitsjustme · 24/08/2012 10:29

My DD2 is going back to pre-school next week but all her close friends have gone to school this year so she'll have to start again. She's never had a birthday party but as she will be 4 in October I thought I would hire a fun bus and invite all the "step-up" kids (those who will be going to school with her) to a party in the half term. Last year 2 boys made her life miserable and she was terrified of both of them. They were always hitting her, taking her toys away, pushing her etc. One of them has now left but I don't want to invite the other one to her party (unless he has miraculously changed over the summer Break), WIBU to leave him out if things haven't changed? (I would be inviting ALL the others)

OP posts:
Original poster
Ithinkitsjustme · 24/08/2012 20:40

Thanks Blueemerald (why isn't there a "like" button on Mumsnet?? Sad)

OP posts:
LackingNameChangeInspiration · 24/08/2012 20:40

"I've asked several times but why o why o why should 7/8 children miss out on a party because one child has treated another in such a way that she is clearly terrified of him?? What did the 7/8 do to deserve that?"

it does not hurt to be in the same boat as half you class in any way the same league as how it hurts to be the only one left out! no way! not same ball park at all!

pigletmania · 24/08/2012 20:43

Reading the op further, the boy would not be the only one in the nursery class not invited, op is only going to invite those going to school with her dd, so therefore threre are children attending the preschool not going. therefore at most there might be 15 or so kids so the boy would not be the only on not going. I would not invite him, the arty is for dd and so it would not be very nice to have someone who makes her unhappy just to prove a point. I remember being 4/5 and being bullied by some very horribal kids in the same year at school, they can be horrid.

Original poster
Ithinkitsjustme · 24/08/2012 20:43

In all fairness, if he was invited and laid one finger on my DD when he was there, I think my DH may make him wish that he''d stayed at home!! Wink

OP posts:
blueemerald · 24/08/2012 20:43

It just makes me really Angry that some posters think she should put up with being treated this way, particularly on her birthday. If she was an adult being pushed around by her DH posters would be freaking out.

Calling his behavior unacceptable is not the same as demonising him. I feel for the poor little guy that he does not come from the same background as the OP's daughter. I hope that someone at school manages to reach out to him and his family to help them all but that someone does not have to be the OP and it doesn't have to happen at her little girl's party.

FateLovesTheFearless · 24/08/2012 20:44

And how much hurt, lacking, do you thin the dd will feel knowing this boy has been asked to her party? By an adult that is her safety?! Really, it is tough shit if the boys feelings is hurt, far rather that than a terrified four year old trying to work out why some boy she is scared of is at her party.

blueemerald · 24/08/2012 20:46

I'm not asking about the boy's feelings but the other 7 or so children who will miss out. What about them? Or are their feelings as unimportant as the OP's daughter's?

I would be outraged if someone tried to not invite a child because of SN or 'weirdness' (I have a brother with ASD and work in a special needs school) but this does not seem to be the case with this boy.

Original poster
Ithinkitsjustme · 24/08/2012 20:46

Well, I'm getting the feeling that opinions are split pretty much about 50/50 on this one, so I'll wait and see what the next few weeks brings. With a bit of luck he will be a different child and will leave my DD alone (and hopefully any even smaller children alone as well) and then they can all enjoy a great party!

OP posts:
Debeez · 24/08/2012 20:50

I think it's lovely that despite the fact your daughter has shown to be very scared of this boy and knowing the upset he has caused you are still willing to give him a chance, to see if he has matured and whether his behavior has improved.

It's easy to hold grudges and not let go of the past when it concerns your children and them being hurt or upset.

Ithinkitsjustme whatever happens, I hope your DD has a wonderful birthday.

pigletmania · 24/08/2012 20:50

This boy does not sound very nice, and the dd sounds petrified. As an adult I would never invite someone to my party that bullies me and is mean to me, why shoud a child Hmm. Mabey it will change his behaviour if nobody invites him to their parties, and he s forced to confront the situation. I don't agree with whole class parties and one bing left out, but this is not the case here as not all the preschool class are invited

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 24/08/2012 20:51

remember that at very young birthday parties it's at least 1:1 adults to children, but usually more!

pigletmania · 24/08/2012 20:54

I agree blue emerald, not to invite a child becase of sn or the child s deemed odd or weird is horrid, but if there is a justifiable cause like in the op than that's fine

pigletmania · 24/08/2012 20:56

Yes but why should the op dd have a child there that maes her petrified and scared, sorry it's her special day where she should be happy and safe not scared

RabidAnchovy · 24/08/2012 20:58

OP I would leave the nasty child out.

Nanny0gg · 24/08/2012 20:59

Still don't think the pre-school is handling it well. If there is the correct number of staff to children and they are fully aware of the behaviour of this child then the incidences shouldn't occur.

And I agree with the others who say reduce the numbers/have a smaller do.

suburbophobe · 24/08/2012 20:59

Have not read any of the replies, but you cannot invite a child that is bullying your child. You would be doing a disservice to her and letting her know that her feelings and her boundaries don't count.

This is how abuse takes place in later life.

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/08/2012 21:00

Personally, I wouldn't invite him. Even if his behaviour has improved, there probably isn't time for your daughter to lose her fear of him before October. And you have good reasons for wanting to invite the rest of the 'step up' children, so I would do just that. The party your DD has should not be dictated by this boy, which is what it would be if you scaled it back.

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/08/2012 21:03

"Still don't think the pre-school is handling it well. If there is the correct number of staff to children and they are fully aware of the behaviour of this child then the incidences shouldn't occur."
NannyOgg, my DS is older now so I'm a bit out of touch with stuff like this. What is the correct ratio? TBH, it sounds as if he needs watched over one to one, but that means all the other children get less staff time, surely?

pigletmania · 24/08/2012 21:12

Do that, just invite the step up kids not the boy, after all he is not the o ly one in the preschool class nt to be invited, his behaviour has consequences and he will learn soon enough. There are only 15 not a whole class party. Do that an hope your dd has a lovely time

Floggingmolly · 24/08/2012 21:20

As a general principle I'd say no, you can't just leave one child out for no reason. But if the birthday child is scared of, or being bullied by the other child then yes - why should their birthday be clouded by having someone at their party who makes them feel like crap?
At pre-school age especially, she won't understand why you're doing it, she'll see only that his needs come before hers.

Sophisticatedknickers · 24/08/2012 21:22

It's YOUR DD's party, your choice. I doubt that 3/4 year olds have the capacity to understand the difference between 'absolutely everyone but me has been invited' and 'everyone but 3 others and me has been invited'! The parents might realise but that's their problem. Over the last year my DD1 has not been invited to a few parties where kids were waving invites around at preschool. I felt awful for her but she had forgotten about it by the time we passed the school gates.
Give your child the party she will enjoy, it only comes round once a year!

KitchenandJumble · 24/08/2012 21:23

I very much doubt that the OP's child would suffer in any way if she had a smaller party. As many people have stated previously, that is the obvious solution, if the OP really doesn't want to invite this boy.

Being in a group of children who weren't invited is not at all comparable to being the only one in the class who has been excluded.

I also agree with others that the pre-school have not handled this situation well at all, as the OP describes it. Surely qualified and competent teachers could stop any untoward behaviour of a 3-year-old child. He isn't a junior Machiavelli, using his devious wiles to thwart the OP's daughter. He's a little boy who may need some additional support in developing social skills.

OP, it is indeed unreasonable to exclude one child. Yes, I know I've said it before, but you did ask again! :)

Dancergirl · 24/08/2012 21:42

I also think that often parents get more upset about their dc not being invited than the children! As everyone seems to be having these v large whole class parties these days, one party is often very much like another....how anyone can keep track who is going to so-and-so's party and who isn't is beyond me.

How WOULD you find out anyway if your child wasn't invited to a party unless you stand gossiping for hours on end?

OP - I would do whatever sort of party would make your dd happy.

perceptionreality · 24/08/2012 21:51

For those saying 'you invite who you want'. Of course as adults we choose our own friends etc, and we encourage our kids to do the same. But having a class party that excludes one child is extremely unpleasant. There are no two ways about that. Why not ask the dd to choose say 10 children that she really wants to come in that case?

My dd is 8. She has had an ongoing issue with a girl in her class who has treated her very badly, pretending to be her best friend and then bullying - reminds me of Cat's Eye. My dd said that if she was having a class party she would still invite this girl even though she doesn't like her. And I said well if you want to invite 1 or 2 friends to the theatre/ballet you could instead of having a class party. But even as a child she gets it's wrong to leave out one person.

Sophisticatedknickers · 24/08/2012 21:56

I think there's a big difference between a 3 year old's and an 8 year old's comprehension of social etiquette...