to want to exclude one child

[Ithinkitsjustme]

My DD2 is going back to pre-school next week but all her close friends have gone to school this year so she'll have to start again. She's never had a birthday party but as she will be 4 in October I thought I would hire a fun bus and invite all the "step-up" kids (those who will be going to school with her) to a party in the half term. Last year 2 boys made her life miserable and she was terrified of both of them. They were always hitting her, taking her toys away, pushing her etc. One of them has now left but I don't want to invite the other one to her party (unless he has miraculously changed over the summer Break), WIBU to leave him out if things haven't changed? (I would be inviting ALL the others)

I wouldn't invite a child that my child was afraid of .

Don't care if it makes me unpopular .

The point of a party is to make the child who's party it is to feel special and happy and loved ...no way in hell would I invite anyone that would ruin it by making them feel scared ,afraid and unliked .

Too bad for the bully , but perhaps it will help modify their behaviour if they know they are being excluded because of their behaviour .

Of course im speaking as the mother of a child who was bullied so severely that she was withdrawn and depressed .
Zero tolerance from day dot regardless of age is the only way to stop bulling IMO .

yes i would have moved my child and i did move ds1 and ds2 to a different primary as ds1 was bullied and the school refused to deal with it.

children learn by example, and also through consistency, so if they are mean or push and snatch you teach them not to do it. i have been lucky enough that mine learnt fairly easily but we have def had issues that have taken work on our part as parents to sort out!

this boy is so little still, to exclude him on the basis that his parents dont parent him apporopriately and because the pre-school have not dealt with the issue is very sad :(

a smaller party is the simple, obvious solution. demonising a small boy is very sad.

I detest whole class parties and would never do them, invite half the class much better

'Demonise'

By not being invitied to a party?? Demonise? I've heard it all now.

exoticfruits I think you are over-reacting somewhat. And it's really no big deal that your dc have been described as 'kind and caring'. Mine have also been described as such, it really applies to many, many children.

not just by not inviting him to the party but on this thread, the language used to describe a three year old boy has been demonising, brat, little shite etc etc.

Oh I didn't see that 5mad. No,I would agree that name-calling is completely uncalled for.

tbf the op herself has not done any name calling, that i have seen anyway :) but plenty of posters on this thread has and this is a little boy, one who is 3 yrs old, its very sad imo that adults can so quickly jump on the bandwagon of name calling etc.

I think you are a nasty piece of work for even thinking of doing that. That boy is so young and they change so much.
You realise this when you have older children.
I think it's cruel and nasty behaviour from you and very petty.

I really fucking hope my kids never go to school with some of yours.

You're talking about a 3 year old, and saying it was a year at least, so TWO YEARS OLD, a baby, not a bully.

Calling babies "little shits", you should be ashamed of yourselves.

I wouldn't invite a badly behaved child.But i don't think i could invite everyone else apart from him.I'd have a smaller party.His only little and most of the time the kids are the way they are because of the parents.

I was in your position and I invited the child

all children go through less likable phases and I'ld hope that when your child does they don't get excluded forever-more, it sounds like the incidents aren't that recent

IMO invite half or less and be selective, or invite all - no exceptions, inviting all but one or two is totally totally wrong and hurtful! And would be setting a vile example for your child! What you are proposing sounds much more like bullying than the toddler behaviour they've shown IN THE PAST!

My thinking was the child in question would have his parents with him, and I'ld have me, DH and grandparents there watching out for DS, plus all the activities of the party... its not like there'ld be much scope for the child to upset DS was it?

Anyway the child's parents declined the invite

exoticfruits I think you are over-reacting somewhat. And it's really no big deal that your dc have been described as 'kind and caring'. Mine have also been described as such, it really applies to many, many children.

I am a teacher-lots of children are not described as kind and caring-it isn't a blanket term. They were specifically kind and caring because they were inclusive.
I am not over reacting. This child is 4 years old-4 YEARS OLD-practically a baby. He either has SN, poor parenting or is simply immature. Of course you don't have to invite him-neither do you have to invite the entire class-it is completely unnecessary.

On any website about bullying you will see that excluding one child is bullying-and you can't pretend it isn't by saying 'it is a one off, it doesn't count'. I don't think that children who phone childline about exclusion get dismissed with 'it isn't bullying dear-it is a one off incident and they don't like you-you have brought it on yourself and anyone would do the same!'

All OP has to do is halve the size of the party-hardly rocket science.

Sorry-I suppose I shouldn't post -but I will-this is a 4 yr old child with hardly any experience of life. Adults are calling him 'a little shit' and they don't even know if OP's information is correct.
My last word-if you don't want him downsize the party.

exoticfruits I think we will have to agree to disagree. It's not so much the one-off ness, but rather the severity of the incident which makes me think it's not 'bullying' as such. Not inviting a child to a party when that child has been nasty to the birthday child does not constitute bullying in my book.

I'm all for giving children a chance and certainly don't condone the lovely language used on here about him, but this is this child's first birthday party. Maybe by next year his behaviour will improve and the OP's dd won't be so wary of him. She can always invite him to subsequent parties, it's not all or nothing.

If your child has been physically hurt by another child on repeated occasions it's natural to wants to protect them, not risk it happening again especially at a birthday party.

Invite them all - give the little shit a quick shove if he misbehaves

I will have to have one more word-I thought this boy was much younger when 'there was the severe incident'-in fact a 2 year old!! In my book a 2 year old is a baby.

Second last word-there is something seriously wrong if an adult can't manage to protect their DC from a 4 yr old at a birthday party! Much simpler-have a smaller party that you can supervise adequately.

Question - are the "step up" kids an official group or class? If your dd was always playing with kids who are now going to school then I'm guessing that there isn't an official year group? In which case is it just that of the 25 kids (say) in your dd's group you have identified 15 as going to school with her and want to invite 14 of them?

Could you maybe invite the 14 plus a few from the year below (who are still in her class) so it is not a clear case of 14 out of 15 but 16 out of 25?

Also are you "out of nursery" friends with any off the mums and so you could give them their invites first. Then you would only be handing out 12ish invites at nursery so it looks more like a small group and so less capacity for hurt.

I was the mother of the child (DS1) that was never invited to parties. I was very aware of his behaviour and was usually too afraid of the outcome to accept invitations if they were issued.

I can say with some confidence that DS1 has not be irrepairably scarred by the lack of tiny-tot parties.

I wouldn't have been offended or surprised had you decided not to invite him, and how would I have known unless some vindictive/miserable cow chose to tell me? I didn't gossip with the other Mums.

You could take a chance and issue an invitation for him, hoping that Mum felt like I did and wouldn't accept, do you feel lucky?

Wow, I'm back (albeit briefly!), to clarify some confusion
there are about 40 children in the pre-school altogether but there will be about 15 in the step up session (on a Wednesday morning) who are all going to school next year. I believe that the little boy will be in this session as well, and as my DD has not made any close friends with children her own age this year, I thought a big party for this age group would be an ideal opportunity for her to spend some time with them outside pre-school.

She is so scared of these two boys that whenever she sees one of them she will hide behind whatever adult is nearby, preferably myself, or if she's at pre-school, ione of the teachers. Every morning I get tears asking if A or B will there. If they are inside she spends the sessiobn outside, if they are outside she spends the session inside, if they come into the area she is playig in she will move. The teachers are well aware of the situation and have been doing their best to supervise the children, but they are actually very good at being underhand, so if they are walking in pairs they will shove her from behind, or pretend to hold her hand nicely and then crush it etc, etc. I admit that I have been very close to pulling her out but have waited as the one boy has now moved on and we will see if the second changes when they go back.

The reason I probably woudn't opt for a "girls only" party is because, in general, my DD likes the boys better. She has 3 older brothers, and 4 boy cousins and is used to rough an tumble, she will normally hold her own. In fact, until last week she kept saying "when I am a boy I will go to big school"! , because all her friends who were leaving were boys!! (hopefully NOT a taste of things to come!!)

TRhanks for all the comments, I've done my best to read them all, and especial thanks to those who stood up for me and basically rewrote what I was saying. At no point have I called him any names, and I am actually pretty good at seeing the good in kids, I don't htink it's all his fault by any means, I just don't want my DD to spend her party hiding behind me. Is that really so unreasonable? (I may have to go back to my original plan of "no parties until reception" - saves a fortune that does!!)

" Is that really so unreasonable?" no, not if you invite 7/8. Yes if you invite 14 leaving one out. Its not a difficult rule to follow, noone's saying you can't be selective, just that you can't have an "everyone but X" party!

No you are not being unreasonable and if you consider inviting this boy I would say yabu. I wouldn't cut back the numbers of the party either, other kids should not miss out who haven't been scaring your daughter just to spare feelings.

ok, glad the pre-school are trying to sort it out.

i agree a party of 7/8 children, find out who your dd plays with, am sure the pre-school staff will tell you if she cant remember names.

and hopefully the little boy will improve now his sidekick is no longer there.

tbh it sounds like for a while this little boy could do with some one on one supervision so they can make sure he doesnt misbehave, esp if its sneaky and underhand, tho again that is unusual for a child his age, he has learnt it from somewhere tho unfortunately :(

I've asked several times but why o why o why should 7/8 children miss out on a party because one child has treated another in such a way that she is clearly terrified of him?? What did the 7/8 do to deserve that?

I keep my fingers crossed that this lad has matured a little over the holiday and with new/different friends for 6 weeks has something of a turn around and can come to the party.

I think it is a bad idea to teach children to accept children or adults who do not behave in an acceptable way. A more important message would be that everyone is capable of change. OP, I would explain to your daughter that A will be at preschool but perhaps he was changed over the holidays and without B maybe he will play more nicely, isn't it nicer when everyone gets along...etc.

Under no circumstances should you feel any pressure to invite a child who causes your daughter to cry and hide away to her party and equally she can invite whomsoever she damn likes, even if that means everyone but him.

Bless her.

The thought of her being that scared at her own birthday party makes me really fucking sad. No way should he be there.