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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to exclude one child

394 replies

Ithinkitsjustme · 24/08/2012 10:29

My DD2 is going back to pre-school next week but all her close friends have gone to school this year so she'll have to start again. She's never had a birthday party but as she will be 4 in October I thought I would hire a fun bus and invite all the "step-up" kids (those who will be going to school with her) to a party in the half term. Last year 2 boys made her life miserable and she was terrified of both of them. They were always hitting her, taking her toys away, pushing her etc. One of them has now left but I don't want to invite the other one to her party (unless he has miraculously changed over the summer Break), WIBU to leave him out if things haven't changed? (I would be inviting ALL the others)

OP posts:
Kleinzeit · 24/08/2012 22:03

The teachers are well aware of the situation and have been doing their best to supervise the children,

That can?t be true?.

but they are actually very good at being underhand, so if they are walking in pairs they will shove her from behind, or pretend to hold her hand nicely and then crush it etc, etc.

... or the boys wouldn?t be able to keep doing this.

Do not accept any more excuses from the pre-school. They need to step up. It is their job to keep your daughter safe. Is your daughter going to school with this boy next year? It has to be sorted, and properly sorted, because she wont be able to hide behind anyone else next year.

The party is the least of your problems.

pigletmania · 24/08/2012 22:03

Just because your dd can invite someone who is nasty to her party, does not mean op dd should and se is quite justified to not want to.

Megan74 · 24/08/2012 22:11

I haven't read the whole thread. If he will be the only child in her class not going then you should invite him but ask his mother/father to stay to manage him. If he will not be the only one in the class not going then I think it's fine to not invite him. I don't agree with adults excluding one child from parties. It's happened to one of my children and it hurt him so much (there was no backstory -probably a lost invite or something) but it was awful and not something I would ever knowingly do.

BuntCadger · 24/08/2012 22:14

My ds2 is excluded from parties. He doesn't hit or push other kids, but he dh ds social interaction harder. He's 4 and has autism. The other parents don't know and he looks like every other child. He doesn't understand personal space yet and feels things very deeply. So sad for him not being included Sad

CommaChameleon · 24/08/2012 22:21

OP I think you have had the right idea all along. Wait and see how he behaves in the next few weeks and make a decision closer to the time.

But if your DD is still so afraid of him as it gets closer to the party then I don't think you would be unreasonable to not invite him to her party.

He probably won't even know that the rest of the class was invited, and at half term they probably won't all come anyway. I agree that at two/three/four he is too young to be properly and permanently called a bully, but your daughter should come first at her own birthday party and if he is still treating her badly and she is still terrified of him but gets on well with the others then I don't think you would be unreasonable to not invite him.

blueemerald · 24/08/2012 22:53

With regards to older children inviting their bullies to parties they may well be afraid of the repercussions of not inviting them. Even more important for such fear/guilt to be quashed at a younger age.

OP I believe this is a small part of teaching your daughter that no one, regardless of age, gender or level of authority is allowed (at this time allowed by you or Dad or teacher but later by her own actions) to treat her in any manner she finds intimidating.

Totally agree with the poster that this is how acceptance of abuse can happen later in life.

exoticfruits · 25/08/2012 06:57

I had had my last word but really......! These are 3 and 4 year old children- all mere babies- they don't think of repercussions! The DC won't even connect his behaviour as a 2 yr old as being the reason for being excluded.
I can't imagine why OP's DD would want him. Ask her who her friends are, if you don't know as the staff, and invite them- and them only.

merrymouse · 25/08/2012 07:12

I think the long established etiquette is all or small. You can't have a class party and exclude just one child.

You could invite all the girls, or you could be honest with the mother and explain your concerns, but to exclude just one child is wrong. (At this age, to be honest, I would be expecting most of the mothers to stay as presumably many of the children will still be 3).

pigletmania · 25/08/2012 07:39

Exotic he is not 2 but 3 going on 4, where doeople get the idea he s 2 from?

pigletmania · 25/08/2012 07:41

Op is not having a class party, it's a group of 15 within a class f around 30 so he will not be the only one not invited

exoticfruits · 25/08/2012 08:28

Gosh-3 going on 4! That explains it-he is well into bullying and repercussions!

(it happened last year when he, presumably, was 2 going on 3).
I think that you are missing the point that it is all the DCs going up,piglet-she is using for a 'step up' party-bar 1.

Dancergirl · 25/08/2012 08:58

I am a parent of a dd who wasn't invited to a party recently along with a few other girls and I wasn't offended at all, nor was dd that bothered. So it is perfectly acceptable to do something between all or small.

How on earth would you possibly know exactly who is or isn't invited unless you ask every parent in the class!

Original poster
Ithinkitsjustme · 25/08/2012 09:15

I was thinking that if I gave the invites out on different days of the week (not all in one go) then he wouldn't notice and I would be quite happy to explain to the parents why he hadn't been invited if it was an issue, but as I said before I'll see what his behaviour is like in the next few weeks before deciding what I do. For the record he will be 4 in September (maybe I'll see if DD is invited to his party first Grin)

OP posts:
pigletmania · 25/08/2012 09:18

That's fine exotic, he is not the only one not invited from that class, op said there will only be about 15 going, Mabey they will not all go. But yes consequences and actions begin early when children are very young and learning right and wrong. Yes I can remember the same thing happening to dd as she has ASD, step up kids invited to this boys party dd not invited, not because of her behaviour but lack of social skills, and not interacting with others, developmentally delayed behaviour. The mum knew she had sn as I often chatted to her, yes I was hurt but dd was none the wiser and I just forgot about it. Not sure if she was the only one though, another mum told me tat most of the kids moving to school the following year were there

RubyVaultingGates · 25/08/2012 09:26

Nanny0gg How is it Kind, thoughtful or humane to ruin a small girl's birthday party because you have invited her tormentor?

Children have to learn that there are consequences to their actions. If you behave unpleasantly then no parties for you. Simples.

whois · 25/08/2012 09:37

Don't invite him, and explain to the parents if asked why.

I just don't get this inclusive bullshit. 'Life's not fair, you don't get invited to everything, it's not the end of the world' is a good lesson to teach.

Also to the posters saying 'my kid is AS and so invite him
It's not his fault' I have a genuine question - up to what age do you expect them to be invited to parties? If kids aren't friends with your kid then they aren't going to want to invite him.

pigletmania · 25/08/2012 09:57

Whois it is nice to invite a child who has sn to a party, it could even teach children about different groups in society and a bit of humanity, but of course you don't have to, as long as they are not excluded from whole class parties. This is not happening in the op case as not all class are invited

RubyVaultingGates · 25/08/2012 10:54

I was never upset that DS1 was not invited: his aspergers meant that he didn't really enjoy the situation, and he would often spoil it for others.

We would often do things together that he did enjoy, and that didn't challenge his boundaries instead of parties.

Why should someone's special day be marred by the behaviour of someone else?

pigletmania · 25/08/2012 10:59

I agree Ruby, dd does not like parties tbh and it's less stressful and less expensive not to go.

LunaticFringe · 25/08/2012 11:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bragmatic · 25/08/2012 11:02

I wouldn't invite him. But I'd invite a smaller group, rather than exclude just one child.

BandersnatchCummerbund · 25/08/2012 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BuntCadger · 25/08/2012 11:25

It's not common knowledge ds2 has SN. should I send letters around do he doesn't get excluded? Hmm Sad

RubyVaultingGates · 25/08/2012 11:26

It's not the rules. It's a convention. and a bloody silly one
She's not inviting the whole class, she's inviting half the class.
Her daughter deserves a special, wonderful day. Not one spoiled by someone who makes her afraid.

You get to invite whoever you want to to your social engagements. You're paying: you get to decide.

Maybe the child and parents will start thinking about behaviour if he does have to be excluded. Nearly four is perfectly old enough to understand that their are natural consequences to bad behaviour.

You can be subtle about it which is good manners, or you can wave a large banner saying "we invited everyone except your grotty son" which I don't think the OP is bad mannered enough to do.

perceptionreality · 25/08/2012 11:29

'I think there's a big difference between a 3 year old's and an 8 year old's comprehension of social etiquette...'

Quite, which is why it's for the parent to set an example.