to want to draw a line between housewife and personal butler?

[elk4baby]

Please kick some sense in me, as I am actually contemplating divorce over DH's dirty clothes... . (apologies for a bit of a rant here)

We're a good couple, married for 7 years now, so we've been through the roller-coaster of early marriage and things have now settled. It's possible I'm just being picky here, but seriously, where do you draw the line between housewife and personal butler?!

Here's what I mean: Yesterday, I had to iron three shirts to produce a presentable one. The reason? Simple: I found stains as I ironed the first two. We've had a number of fights over him not looking over his shirt when he takes it off. He still doesn't !, but at least he's stopped putting them back in the wardrobe. It is now my job to look them over and see whether they go in the wash or back on the hanger .

What happened yesterday was this: I'd put the selected shirts for the week on the ironing board to get them ironed but did not yet get around to doing this (was busy with the kids, was waiting for their bedtime to get to it). They were definitely all clean. However, I got to ironing two of the first three had black stains on them. My guess is that, DH either carried some tools over them (the iron shares the room with his DIY stuff) and didn't notice himself making the smudges or they were caused by the dirty home/DIY clothes we took off and simply threw on top of the shirts. Am I unreasonable to get frustrated over this?!

Of course, I got angry (and I'm not good at holding in emotions). We got into a fight over the shirts, moved on to his dirty clothes thrown on the ironing board, or the bedroom floor, or the top of the boxes in the utility room... Apparently, he expects me to be the 'housewife', which implies I know exactly where everything is and where it goes and I should basically 'take care' of him, as he put it.

I understand there's an unsaid agreement between us - he goes to work and earns money, I stay at home with the children, keeping the house and cooking. Fine, I get that. But is it really that unreasonable to expect a grown man to keep track of his clothes - put the dirty stuff in the laundry bin, clean stuff back in its place? Why is it my job to pick up the stuff after him, having to guess how many times it's been worn and where it needs to go? I married the guy, but I didn't sign up to 'sniffing his socks'!

Sorry, I know I've gone away from the op's point. For the record, I agree that her Dh is wrong to just expect her to do everything and treat her like a maid, his attitude is crap. I only posted because I was genuinely surprised at how many women said they wouldn't dream of ironing for their Dh. But krumbum why would you think that only clothes that are worn in a business environment need ironing? My clothes need ironing and so do my children's, and so do my Dh's non work clothes for that matter (shock horror, I iron his polo shirts and chinos too!) we'd all look crumpled if I didn't iron..

Polo shirts and chinos are the problem, get with it Mr HappyasChips and your wife need never iron again

littlebluechair * I happen to seriously love the M&S preppy look!

That certainly sounds like a problem, but I not sure why it is your problem.

I do my DH's laundry as a favour to him, he gets what he gets, I am not spending any of my life worrying about stains on his shirts and all the rest of it.

Same with ironing, I am quite happy to do that for him as a favour, it isn't my job if he doesn't like the outcome then tough shit, he can do it himself.

So I recap, THIS. IS. NOT. YOUR. PROBLEM.

You iron kids clothes! That is crazy.
Clothes get crumpled after they have been on for about 20 minutes. So why iron to have have them a bit smoother for a tiny bit longer. Waste of time and electricity.
Only things that need ironing are work shirts/blouses and linen clothes.

We've had a number of fights over him not looking over his shirt when he takes it off. He still doesn't !, but at least he's stopped putting them back in the wardrobe. It is now my job to look them over and see whether they go in the wash or back on the hanger

The bar has been set ridiculously low in the past, it seems. No matter how busy he is, if he can't even be bothered to take the time to look over his shirt to see if it needs washing or not, then it is probably a waste of time trying to get him to put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket or to hang clean ones up.

What is looking over one's shirt anyway? A quick glance at the front and at the back and then one under the armpits to make sure it's clean? Surely five seconds is all it should take.

I quite enjoy ironing. As long as I can monopolise the TV while I'm doing it, I'll happily do mine and the easy stuff of DW's.

DH gives his shirts a once over to decide whether to throw them in the soaking bucket (sadly always soaking something with DS1 in white school shirts) or just in the normal basket.

You mean he wers the same shirt more than once without washing it? How utterly gross! Better a crumpled clean shirt that a dirty smelly ironed one!

Sorry, 'wears'!

Er, yes, I commit the mortal sin of ironing my children's clothes! Sorry, but I don't like the crumpled, dishevelled look. I think we'll have to agree to disagree on the issue of ironing krumbum Each to their own

Maybe I had/have a particularly demanding DS, but as he is only going to nursery a couple of mornings a week and I have to use that time to work, when I'm at home with him, it would be nigh on impossible to iron at the same time.

I can see that I would have more time once he goes to school. But DH was trained by DMIL to iron his own shirts from an early age, and it is a matter of personal pride for him that he does this himself. Unfortunately she wasn't as progressive with training him up in cleaning bathrooms and kitchens, but hey ho, you can't have everything.

The standard work of a nanny is simply to care for the child, their bedroom, their clothes and their food. A nanny would not be expected as part of their contracted work to clean the whole house, launder all the family's clothes and cook for all of them. And still smile at the boss when they arrived home from work to throw dirty clothes on the floor.

Why does anybody think that doing absolutely everything for the home and family, 24/7 is a reasonable equivalent to someone going out to work for 50 hours per week (i.e. just a little over 2 days of what a SAHP could be on duty for in a week)?

I'd give him 2 choices.
1, you continue to be a sahm, the kids get the benefit of having mum at home with them and he gets the benefit of you taking over the majority of his share of household chores. He still has to do his own picking up after himself though and must obviously treat you with respect!
2, you go back to work, the kids go into childcare, your wages cover childcare plus cleaning and ironing so the household over all will most likely be in a similar position financially. But in this case all remaining household chores and childcare including night time is split between you and dh.

I think even he will see that he is far better off just to stop acting like you're his slave and start respecting the job you currently do!!

IsItMe - I cannot iron when DS2 is awake, I would be so afraid of him pulling the board or iron over.
I just about manage some other basic housework, but he is seriously full on.
Hence we have a cleaner who also does the bulk of the ironing!

I am the breadwinner and DH is a SAHD and there are times when I work very long hours including weekends. He irons his own clothes and the children's clothes and I do my own. Once in a while he irons some of mine and I am grateful.

All adult dirty clothes go in the washing basket and whoever notices the washing basket is full or needs something particular washed puts the washing on. The children 4 & 9 are told to leave their dirty clothes by the washing machine. We started this from a young age partly as a response to potty training accidents so the children felt in control if things when wrong. Now they help with putting the washing on and the older one does some of his own ironing.

Even when DH worked I earned 4x more than him but we are equals no one is the boss, a persons contribution to the family is not just limited to financial support either you are a partnership or you are not.

So do you have equal amounts of free time? Who sits down first in the evenings?

Ok, he wants you to go back to work full time. This will obviously necessitate full time child care.

To be honest, I don't rate his chances of finding a qualified nanny or nursery manager who is willing to sniff his clothes for him, or to scrub shirts clean of grease that he's dripped on them.

I've been a SAHM, I now work part time. I do all the laundry and most of the ironing in our house, because our household runs more efficiently that way. But DH knows full well that he is responsible for putting his clothes into the wash basket, and that he does urgent ironing himself. We share other household tasks as required. He also appreciates that me taking on the childcare and household roles means that he's not only avoiding having to pay for childcare, laundry service, cleaner etc - it also means that he doesn't actually have to organise any of this. He can plan work travel without needing to worry about covering child care, he can concentrate solely on his job. If you went back to work OP, your H would have to cover not just his share of costs incurred but also the time and organisation needed to make the family situation work.

OP leaving the fits and wrongs of the situation aside, as many have pointed out the obvious already, here's my suggestion for what to do, starting today;

Stop picking up anything he dumps on the floor.
Kick it to his side of the bed, under a chair, whatever, but if he leaves it on the floor then there it stays.

Only wash clothes that are put in the laundry basket.
Iron whatever you like, but only on a regular day, not at his beck and call. If it needs doing outside your routine (ie your working hours), then he can help himself to the iron.

Tell him once that this is the new regime, and stick with it until he realises its more convenient for him to work with you than against you.

(If you can't cope with leaving his crap on the floor, then just stop 'checking' it - if it's been on the floor then it goes straight in the wash regardless of condition)

Fits? rights

Ok, OP, let's go with the "home is your workplace" thing.

If one of DH's colleagues at work (none of that boss stuff please) repeatedly didn't put his (or her) post in the post bag, left their files on DH's desk, dropped coffee over and over on some work DH was doing, not by accident but by simply not caring to look where he was putting his coffee down, do you think DH would go and find the colleague's work, pit his files away for him and keep redoing the coffee stained work over and over without saying anything? Cos I don't.

You are doing too much for him. Don't iron his clothes and if you must let him wear them with a stain on or sort them out hinself. life really is too short......

marriedinwhite - I had to teach my BIL to iron, as my MIL was in danger of giving him bad habits.

But then my MIL is an amazing woman who does so much for us, so the odd shirt she irons for me which isn't as I'd do it is deffo not something to twist my melon.

TheDoctrine love your analogy :)

And Alibaba, thanks for reassuring me that I'm not alone in my incompetence.

What did all these men do before they had SAHM wives? Why do men impregnate someone and then gain a servant? When DH and I had a child we both had a bit more to do than before. He didn't magically just have to go to work and stopped doing all housework. Yes, he works hard. So do I.

I have never and will never do his ironing (barring disability).