to want to draw a line between housewife and personal butler?

[elk4baby]

Please kick some sense in me, as I am actually contemplating divorce over DH's dirty clothes... . (apologies for a bit of a rant here)

We're a good couple, married for 7 years now, so we've been through the roller-coaster of early marriage and things have now settled. It's possible I'm just being picky here, but seriously, where do you draw the line between housewife and personal butler?!

Here's what I mean: Yesterday, I had to iron three shirts to produce a presentable one. The reason? Simple: I found stains as I ironed the first two. We've had a number of fights over him not looking over his shirt when he takes it off. He still doesn't !, but at least he's stopped putting them back in the wardrobe. It is now my job to look them over and see whether they go in the wash or back on the hanger .

What happened yesterday was this: I'd put the selected shirts for the week on the ironing board to get them ironed but did not yet get around to doing this (was busy with the kids, was waiting for their bedtime to get to it). They were definitely all clean. However, I got to ironing two of the first three had black stains on them. My guess is that, DH either carried some tools over them (the iron shares the room with his DIY stuff) and didn't notice himself making the smudges or they were caused by the dirty home/DIY clothes we took off and simply threw on top of the shirts. Am I unreasonable to get frustrated over this?!

Of course, I got angry (and I'm not good at holding in emotions). We got into a fight over the shirts, moved on to his dirty clothes thrown on the ironing board, or the bedroom floor, or the top of the boxes in the utility room... Apparently, he expects me to be the 'housewife', which implies I know exactly where everything is and where it goes and I should basically 'take care' of him, as he put it.

I understand there's an unsaid agreement between us - he goes to work and earns money, I stay at home with the children, keeping the house and cooking. Fine, I get that. But is it really that unreasonable to expect a grown man to keep track of his clothes - put the dirty stuff in the laundry bin, clean stuff back in its place? Why is it my job to pick up the stuff after him, having to guess how many times it's been worn and where it needs to go? I married the guy, but I didn't sign up to 'sniffing his socks'!

Stay at home Mum, not stay at home lacky.
Never iron anything, ever, unless it's yours and for a special occasion
Buy DH non-iron shirts from Next or M&S. That's what mine has, he survives.

Ok op I pay more than £5 per hour child care for each of my kids and £30 per week for a cleaner.

Let's say you are in sole charge of two children 8-6 mon-fri every week (and I bet it is more) and you also manage to run a Hoover round, stick sone bleach down the loo and wipe down some surfaces.
Congratulations! You just earned £530 this week. Let's genourously assume you get 4 weeks' holiday because DH covers the child care then.

Well done on your £25k pa full time job!

Now I don't believe that only economic value counts but I feel like you might - so there's an absolute base of yours - it's probably higher because your days are probably longer, you cook as well etc - but it is a start.

as long as you act like skivvy you'll get treated like skivvy
instead of being frustrated by being housewife get a job.set good role model to son.mum isn't just housewife. you may not earn greatly for 2childcare,but your dh should be contributing if you use childcare,it's shared expenditure after all
why can't he take shirts to be laundered,btw I'm grossed out he's wearing same shirt multiple days.minging

[multiple days is an over-statement. the most wear any one shirt gets is two days. that's only non-summer time when they're worn on top of t-shirts and come back very clean after the first day]

[we're also using cloth nappies full-time - this may gross you out too :) of course, these never get used more than once between washings]

regardless of how fragrant he apparently is,he should get his shirts laundered
hey given he's not hot on daily fresh shirt he'll only submit 2-3
and your son is replicating dads bad habits,chucking stuff on floor

elk, could I make the following suggestion re laundry? Stop putting your high standards into practice. Let him operate to his own standards. If he wants to put a shirt he has worn back in the wardrobe and wear it again, it is his choice. If he wants to wear a shirt with stains on it, it is his choice. If he wants to wear unironed shirts (because it is NOT your job to iron them), it is his choice. He is an adult allegedly, so treat him like one. Defer to his personal choices regarding his person.

I like what CailinDana said earlier. "Laundry is part of personal hygiene." She's right, it is. Is it your job to wash his armpits? Of course not. And likewise it's not your job to valet his clothes. By all means include them in washing loads that they match to, that's just efficiency. But ironing them then devolves back to him.

This particular incident, which pushed you to post here - PurplePidjin put her finger on it. "Do you dump filth all over his work place? No? Then he can bloody well do the same" If he is going to claim it is your JOB to iron, then he must respect your workplace and not foul it. (But it really, really, isn't your job to do HIS ironing.)

Everyone else has pretty much covered what I think about the whole 'boss' issue. You both labour for the family. His labour results in income, your labour results in happy cared-for children. You BOTH contribute. You need to respect yourself. If he's worth a damn, his respect will follow.

housewife isn't a job
op doesn't have a workplace it's not comparable
she can do her own thing without pressure of a proper job

How do you draw the line between housewife and butler? By not acting like a butler.

Time for a sit down and discuss how you're going to divide up the household chores between yourselves.

given she doesn't work she should do majority tasks
however he needs to be less boorish
but yes negotiate tasks

If he doesn't have clean, ironed shirts that is his problem. Let him clean and iron them. I would not dream of ironing my dp clothes. If he leaves his clothes on the floor then leave them there until he realises they don't magically make their way into the wardrobe, same with all his other chores. If his mum has done everything for him before then he actually needs to learn to be self sufficient and mindful of his actions. You have to teach him, like a child. Sad but true. It's the only way.

I've yet to meet a woman who can iron a shirt as well as I can*.

Tell him to grow some man skills and learn how to wash and iron clothes (not just his). And to stop wearing shirts more than once. Dirty.

*Based on a sample of 3....

I'm surprised at how many women don't iron their husband's clothes. Ironing for your Dh doesn't make you a domestic servant!

Would you be equally surprised if the DHs didn't iron their wives clothes Happy? Or is ironing a woman's job?

Why can't he wear a shirt more than once
Some people don't swear that much. I do so I wouldn't but I know some people can wear the same thing 2 times.
He can wear a dirty one as often as he likes when he's a big boy in charge of his own washing anyway!

But why would you iron for someone perfectly capable of doing it themselves? Surely there are more exciting things to do?

Ourmaninthenorth - wanna meet one - and one who's married to a northerner

HappyasChips (hope they're Harry Ramsden's). I agree ironing for your DH doesn't make you a domestic servant - being paid for it does? I do it for love, the cleaner does it for money

I don't iron my own clothes! If my dp chooses to buy stupid clothes that need ironing he can do that himself. We share housework though but even so.

I'm no domestic goddess but I iron for all the family including my dh.

The difference is that we have worked out what needs doing in the household and shared out the chores accordingly (to what we prefer to do). So whilst I do the ironing DH collects dirty linen up, washes it, drys it, and sorts it out - then I iron it and everyone puts away their own clothes. Anything not in the washing basket just gets left.

Its not about what you do or don't do - its about sharing the household duties equally.

No, not just a woman's job. However, if you're a sahm and your Dh works full time, what's the problem with ironing his shirts for him? I just can't understand why a woman would get the iron out, iron her own and the children's clothes, but refuse to do her dh's. To make some feminist point I assume? Zzzzzzz

I don't iron at all Happy and my DH doesn't wear shirts so I suppose I can't really comment :)

Oh, ye gods

If you are a sahm why would you be ironing any of your own clothes? Surely you wouldn't wear any clothes that need ironing if your not in a business environment.
The point isn't that she shouldn't iron his shirts it's that he expects her to and would not do it himself along with expecting her to do all the other housework.

LOL @ krum you are very funny :)

I work at home now. But for all my working life (over 30 years) I have spent the majority of my day with children and I still have clothes that need ironing.

But I agree with you on the point that its not about her ironing its about his expectations of what he thinks she should be doing!

Fair enough if you don't iron for anyone I suppose. I just know that my husband has to wear a shirt every day and works full time, and I'm a sahm. He hasn't got the time, I have. I'm with you married I do it for love!