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AIBU?

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Original poster

to want to draw a line between housewife and personal butler?

164 replies

elk4baby · 23/08/2012 19:11

Please kick some sense in me, as I am actually contemplating divorce over DH's dirty clothes... Confused. (apologies for a bit of a rant here)

We're a good couple, married for 7 years now, so we've been through the roller-coaster of early marriage and things have now settled. It's possible I'm just being picky here, but seriously, where do you draw the line between housewife and personal butler?!

Here's what I mean: Yesterday, I had to iron three shirts to produce a presentable one. The reason? Simple: I found stains as I ironed the first two. We've had a number of fights over him not looking over his shirt when he takes it off. He still doesn't Angry!, but at least he's stopped putting them back in the wardrobe. It is now my job to look them over and see whether they go in the wash or back on the hanger Hmm.

What happened yesterday was this: I'd put the selected shirts for the week on the ironing board to get them ironed but did not yet get around to doing this (was busy with the kids, was waiting for their bedtime to get to it). They were definitely all clean. However, I got to ironing two of the first three had black stains on them. My guess is that, DH either carried some tools over them (the iron shares the room with his DIY stuff) and didn't notice himself making the smudges or they were caused by the dirty home/DIY clothes we took off and simply threw on top of the shirts. Am I unreasonable to get frustrated over this?!

Of course, I got angry (and I'm not good at holding in emotions). We got into a fight over the shirts, moved on to his dirty clothes thrown on the ironing board, or the bedroom floor, or the top of the boxes in the utility room... Apparently, he expects me to be the 'housewife', which implies I know exactly where everything is and where it goes and I should basically 'take care' of him, as he put it.

I understand there's an unsaid agreement between us - he goes to work and earns money, I stay at home with the children, keeping the house and cooking. Fine, I get that. But is it really that unreasonable to expect a grown man to keep track of his clothes - put the dirty stuff in the laundry bin, clean stuff back in its place? Why is it my job to pick up the stuff after him, having to guess how many times it's been worn and where it needs to go? I married the guy, but I didn't sign up to 'sniffing his socks'!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 23/08/2012 19:13

Um, why did you start ironing his clothes for him in the first place?

Before you married him and he had to go out to work, who wiped his arse? Why is that different now he's married?

I don't understand people who believe because they work outside the home, another un-paid human being is their domestic appliance and they are exempted from looking after FA entirely.

PurplePidjin · 23/08/2012 19:16

Do you dump filth all over his work place? No? Then he can bloody well do the same, ungrateful twat Angry

Trifle · 23/08/2012 19:17

I have never in my life ironed. I never will. I never understand why women, working or not, suddenly take upon such a pointless waste of time. The answer is simple, don't do it.

Yama · 23/08/2012 19:19

As a grown up I look after my own clothes. I actually manage to do this and work full time. Go me!

Oh, and dh manages this tremendous feat too.

I could never treat someone as a servant. I couldn't respect someone if they allowed me to treat them like dirt. I will hopefully bring my dc up to feel the same way.

WhispersOfWickedness · 23/08/2012 19:20

YANBU at all. My DH is a lazy arse not particularly keen on housework, but even he knows he is responsible for his own clothes over and above the usual family laundry routine. I don't iron for him (or anyone in fact!) and I refuse to pick up his dirty clothes. If he drops them in the bathroom, I ask him to pick them up, if he drops them in the bedroom, I just kick them round to his side of the bed where I don't have to look at them and ignore Smile He most definitely knows that it is not my responsibility to ensure that he has clean presentable clothes if he can't be arsed to look after them or put them in the appropriate place for washing!

Original poster
elk4baby · 23/08/2012 19:21

I don't know to be honest. Well, I don't know when it started to be my 'job', that is.
First, I started doing it because I wanted to (and I was working full-time too, btw). I did it because I love him and I care about him - he was thankful for this, actually. At first... and then, somewhere down the line, it just became expected of me. We had DS1, so I had the 'time' on maternity leave. Then, partly due to the fact that I was made redundant as I was about to go back to work, we had DS2. At this point, my staying at home became more permanent - I guess the ironing was just part of the job...

OP posts:
EndoplasmicReticulum · 23/08/2012 19:21

What Yama said.

LindyHemming · 23/08/2012 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlebluechair · 23/08/2012 19:24

Oh ffs, why are you even doing his ironing?

LindyHemming · 23/08/2012 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pjmama · 23/08/2012 19:25

It's very simple in our house. The contents of the laundry basket are washed and ironed. Responsibility for putting dirty items in the basket lies with the owner. I am SAHM, not the maid.

littlebluechair · 23/08/2012 19:26

What euphemia said

LucieMay · 23/08/2012 19:26

Threads like this make being a single mother not so bad.

WorraLiberty · 23/08/2012 19:27

I have never in my life ironed. I never will. I never understand why women, working or not, suddenly take upon such a pointless waste of time. The answer is simple, don't do it

But what if you're wearing a cotton t.shirt or blouse for example?

Doesn't it just look like a crumpled piece of tissue? Confused

AlmostAHipster · 23/08/2012 19:28

The more you baby a man, the more the man will become a baby.

You have to get tough or he will never change.

Original poster
elk4baby · 23/08/2012 19:29

I guess I just viewed it as 'ironing', not 'his' or 'my' ironing.
Yesterday, when he spoke of me being the 'housewife', he got to a point of saying that if I'm unable to take care of the house and family, I should just go back to work and we'll need to hire someone to do this. Maybe, he's right and I'm just not 'good' at this staying-at-home job...
But then, I really really don't want to leave my 18mth old boy at nursery - he's really attached and is just not ready.

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 23/08/2012 19:31

Firstly he should be doing his own ironing. Secondly, it's pretty minging to wear the same work shirt more than once without washing it.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 23/08/2012 19:32

I am a SAHM, I don't do DH's ironing.

In honestly neither does he, our cleaner does it - but before she did he used to do his own stuff and often do mine while he was at it.

It is not your job to look after his stuff, that is his job. If he lived alone and worked then what would he do?

nailak · 23/08/2012 19:32

he is being unreasonable.

being a SAHM doesnt mean you are a maid.

Ask him if he wants a wife or a cook cleaner nanny and maid, and tell him if it is the latter then maybe he should try that for a while and you have a holiday.

CailinDana · 23/08/2012 19:32

I'm a SAHM and I don't touch DH's clothes at all, ever, unless I'm hugging him. Laundry is part of personal hygiene. I don't wash DH's balls and I don't wash his underwear. When DS turns 8 or 9 (depending on maturity) he will be responsible for his own washing.

hattifattner · 23/08/2012 19:33

my dh once, very early in our marriage, told me I hadnt ironed his shirts properly.

I stopped iron his shirts on that day. For the next 15 years, I did not iron his shirts.

Nor do I wash anything that is not in the wash basket. If he leaves stuff lying around, then there it stays.

I think, instead of getting mad at him, just stop doing everything like a maid. Tell him you'll wash it if its in the basket. End of.

As for the ironing - he can do it himself. Wash his shirts, by all means, if they are in the basket. Dry them and put in the ironing pile.

You will find he quickly starts to put stuff away. Howevre, you may need to go through a brief period of dirty socks and underpants on the floordrobe. He will soon tidy up when he has nothing to wear.

LindyHemming · 23/08/2012 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yama · 23/08/2012 19:34

Please don't let someone speak to you like that.

This man is meant to love you and make you feel better about yourself, not worse. And certainly not worse because you aren't very good at being his servant.

Ephiny · 23/08/2012 19:34

YANBU. Fair enough for you to do the laundry (as the SAHM), but you're his wife, not his servant, and you shouldn't have to be picking his dirty clothes up off the floor.

(I'm a non-ironer generally, but I do actually think it's necessary for some items, DH's work shirts definitely need ironing. He wouldn't dream of expecting me to do them though.)

nailak · 23/08/2012 19:36

and tbh the main issue is his lack of consideration. say you saw a person in a restaurant or shopping centre mopping the floors, that person is nothing to you but out of consideration and common courtesy, and basic manners you wouldnt just walk all over the floor where they were mopping?

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